Help with dealing with a sad breakup and getting back together in the future, please?

[Gumby]

My situation is complicated and isn't something I am able to talk about with my friends, so I am really hoping for advice on over-coming abuse, depression, and of course slowly starting again with my ex in the future.

I dated my first boyfriend for five years. It was a very abusive and controlling relationship. He dropped out of school due to a video game addiction and we only saw each other in the weekends for the first 9 months or so. Things where okayish for the 11th to 13th months, then things started to happen. I was rarely aloud to spend time with friends, was absolutely forbidden from having any contact with any other guy, was expected to obey everything he said, beaten if I refused, constantly abused verbally, and often physically forced to have sex. I was completely ignored for World of Warcraft. He only socialized with me when he forced me to have sex. If I wasn't there at all times (when I wasn't at school) he assumed I was cheating on him and would have to verify that I wasn't by forcing embarrassing and demeaning sexual things on me. He finally broke up with me after I decided to go to college and refused to not talk to any guys there (in a friendly way.) I was always a good girlfriend, always loyal, and never gave him a reason to even suspect I had an interest in other men. He broke up with me over the phone about a week before I was to leave. I said fine, hung up, and we were done. I was relieved and very happy about ending my first relationship. However, it obviously left me with some problems.

I started dating another boy about a month after school started. We met the second week of school and quickly became best friends. His family life was complicated, but they seemed like nice people and things went really really well for the first four months. However, things started to fall apart after that. He started to just want to play video games, had little interest in me, and stood me up all the time. About ten months after we started dating, my dad very suddenly passed away, he went home with me but ignored me and played video games the entire time. Needless to say I was hurt. A few weeks later, he informed me that his grandmother (whom was his legal guardian and I was very fond of at the time) had cancer, wasn't going to be around much longer, and he would be going home for the summer instead of coming to my house like we had planned. After the loss of my dad, and then finding out about his grandmother, I tried to OD and ended up in the ER. He reluctantly came, but spent little time in the room. I later found out he was on the phone with his grandparents, telling them everything, and they were all saying very awful things about me. I later found out that despite me getting him through school, helping him financially, and doing a lot for both him and his grandparents, they didn't like me and didn't think he should be with a girl who suffered from depression. I was told by his former room mate (who is actually one of my best friends) that my exe's grandfather had gossiped about me to all of our friends, told them that I cut myself, and laughed about how I'm stupid and should cut vertically so I'll hit a vein and die. I was shocked and unbelievably hurt, especially since they had been so nice to me in person, but turned around and said all these awful things about me behind my back. Later that summer I found out his grandmother didn't have cancer, and told him she did so he would get a hair cut (they didn't believe a male's hair should be longer than an inch, despite his grandfather having a pony tail.) He was kicked out because they wanted rent and he couldn't find a job, so he came to stay with me. Two weeks later I found out he had cheated on me with a very unattractive girl who already had a boyfriend, and he would often seek out digesting pictures of other girls. This killed what little confidence I had, because he was by nooooo means attractive. For some stupid reason we stayed together. Our second year was awful, I came to realize that he was a really really stupid person (I don't think there really are words to express the magnitude of just how stupid,) he and his family used my mom (who was and still is very ill, only a few years younger than them, works hard for her money, and worked very hard to get to where she is today) for money and thought we owed it to them because they don't work for some reason and are therefore poor, then he started beating me like my first boyfriend. I finally broke up with him after two years over facebook while I was visiting family in a different state. He didn't care, and I hadn't expected him to. I was sad for a week or so, but was relieved and happy shortly after.

These two relationships left me with some very serious trust issues, lower confidence than I already had, and terrified of ever trying to talk with anyone about my long struggle with depression. Being cheated on by a guy who as so gross and with a girl who was also very gross, also added much fuel to that fire. Being ignored and put behind games constantly made me edgy about that sort of stuff. Foolishly four months after I had broken up with my second boyfriend, I started dating this wonderful guy who I had been acquainted with since freshmen year of college, but never really had hung out with until about seven months ago. I had always thought he was cute, but he had had a girlfriend when we first met, so I didn't look at him in a romantic way. He confessed that he had always liked me, but by the time he finally broke up with his then girlfriend, I was already dating the other guy. I thought I was okay to date, but looking back on it now, I should have taken some more time to build myself back up. I didn't realize how much those other relationships (among other things) had broken me down. He was wonderful to me and we had so much fun together. I slowly opened up about my two past relationships in hopes that he would understand partly why I am so insecure and scared. I said things to him about his former two relationships that bothered me, sometimes in a very mean way (I didn't intend to sound mean, and didn't realize I was until looking back on it through his perspective much later on.) Because of my past relationships, I unconsciously developed these preconceived expectations that he would let me down. I didn't realize at the time, but this hurt him a lot. He finally told me that I was hurting him I think shortly after Christmas, I tried to start working on it, but I was struggling with a lot of stuff. Things just slowly started to fall apart, he wanted more and more time alone, which I tried to be understanding and supportive of, but sometimes I would get sad and want him there, or I would get scared that I was loosing him and panic which only stressed him out and made him distance himself more. This distance made me feel like I had in my previous relationships, uncared about and alone. I sometimes voiced aloud to him that I thought maybe we should break up. At the time, I seriously wasn't sure whether or not I would be happier single. He suggested a break, and at the time I refused because I didn't really understand what it was. Almost three weeks ago, I voiced my thoughts about breaking up again after having a bad day and feeling lonely. He for the first time agreed. I then panicked and cried and begged for him to reconsider, but he had had enough.

In hindsight, I see I was unintentionally very selfish at times and expected too much from him. I have many problems with myself and my mother is very ill which is a huge stress in my life. I seemingly expected him to baby me and be there all the time when I wanted him to be. I didn't think it selfish at the time, but I now realize it was. I very much regret that I didn't try to fix myself sooner and that I hurt him the way I did. A break probably would have been perfect for us, and I hate myself for not fully considering it when he mentioned it. Even if we weren't together all the time, or even if for the summer with both ended up going home (we live about five hours apart.) I would be happy just being with him and knowing that we're together and will talk and see each other once and a while. I told him all of this, he said he really wanted space. We have talked recently and he stated that he still cares about he, he is still attracted to me, and he misses me a lot, but he just really really needs some space and that he is unsure of whether or not we will get back together in the future. He would not say yes or no, just maybe.

I want to give him the space he wants and needs, and I want to take some time for myself to get better mentally and learn how to help myself without relying so much on someone else. I didn't realized how happy he made me until he was gone, and I realize now that I took him for granted. I want more than anything to get better and get back together with him. I am okay with the space. I believe it will be a good time to get the help I need, and as I said, I want to give him want he wants. However, I am scared that he will not want to get back together ever, that he won't give me another chance in the future. I am hoping so much that someone here can tell me what I can and/or should do to; 1) Try working on keeping my mind occupied on so I am not always worrying about him (I am already going home to visit my mom and friends, meeting with a counselor, and will most likely be adjusting my medications.) 2) Building my confidence. I was one of those unfortunate kids who was seriously bullied in my early teens (first two jerks I dated were of not help) resulting in a complete lack of confidence both physically and in my personality. Any suggestions on how to work on this would seriously be a huge help in my life as I feel that this is where a lot of my problems stem from. 3) Things that may be able to help me focus on school again. Until this year, this was no problem at all. However, this year I have just lost all motivation to do anything school related. It's not that I can't do the work, it's that I have noooo motivation to do it. 4) Learn to deal with my first two relationships and the mental scares they left me with. 5) Most of all, anything I can do that will possibly inspire my ex to try it again with me in the future. I told him I want to get better before I talk to him again (he of course thought this was a good idea,) which won't be for a while, so it'll hopefully give him space and I want to change and be a better person before we have contact again. I was thinking about maybe in July (if I am better) inviting him on a day or two long trip with a mutual friend or two (my friend and I already have this trip planned, and it'll involve going to another state where my ex has been wanting to go. This friend is also a very good friend of both of ours.) Or maybe even hanging out on my birthday (which isn't until August.) Any thoughts on either of these things or general advice? I am fine if things happen slowly and don't expect to start dating again the second we see each other. I just really want another chance. I think we can both be happy together if I can fix myself. I also want to be happy with myself and life not just or him, but also for my mom and I.

Thank you in advance for any advice and/or for just reading my post.

[loverman1]

So you have answered your own questions I guess, work on yourself. Exercise will make you feel 10 times better, and make you more attractive from the inside out. I would not pin your hopes on this one guy, its really up to him. If its meant to be, it will be as they say, but there's really not much you can do to effect how compatible you are with him, if If he likes you enough he will probably come back. But give him space, listen to what he says, don't think about him all the time, if you think about him all the time everything will be more differ-cult. So look for a purpose other than him, and when or if he reaches out to you then arrange to meet... make sure you arrange a meeting if he reaches out. If you decided to contact him first, then don't push him, Sensible communication works best. If you try too hard you will push him away. Date others in the mean time, don't pin your hopes on him, there is only so much you can do.

And next time, keep your post shorter, you will get more responses.