Hazardous Love? Now Baby Involved. HELP!

[dirtdoc210]

Ok, ladies...I want some honest opinions. My ex-fiance lives in Israel (i'm in the united states). I love her dearly, and she says she loves me. Our relationship was very close to being co-dependant. I relied on her for everything when we lived in Israel, because I didn't speak the language, and was unsuccessful in getting a work visa. SO, my feelings of inadequacy grew, but I continued to fight them back and try to be a good boyfriend/fiance and find a way. Our relationship rapidly deteriorated. We began to argue, she broke up with me on several occasions and told me to "go back home." I was heart broken, I yelled and broke things, and called her more than a few bad names. We made up, had amazing sex, but the cycle continued. I felt like I was constantly in "trouble" with her, or constantly having to "prove myself" to make up for past mistakes that she was unwilling to forgive. The fights grew worse, on a few occasions she became unusually violent with me...I received apologies and I forgave readily, and fell back into our relationship. Before I'd had enough and left Israel and came home to the states...we had a fight, she scratched the shit out of my arms, neck, pulled my hair...it was CRAZY. I was actually for once feeling flat out like a victim. She locked the doors and windows, wouldn't let me go, and I just took it until her sister arrived and I left with her and spent the night away from the woman I was obsessed with for the 1st time since we met 5 months earlier. It was difficult, but peace began to set in. I remembered in our relationship, at first things seemed wonderful, she is very bright, sensitive, caring. But as our fights grew worse, she went to her friends (who naturally took her side) and I kept silent...alienating myself from my friends and family. Deep feelings of loneliness set in. I attempted to express this to my fiance, which lead to fights, and a full circle. She had a support system, I had alcohol and a false sense of machismo. I've received numerous apologies for the physical violence...and I have forgiven her. Now she tells me that she is pregnant with my baby. She seems so wonderful from the outside. Everyone loves her, guys are nearly tripping over themselves to ask her out on dates. She's beautiful, she appears happy and centered in life, not full of herself but confident. She seems to have a heart of gold, wanting to help her friends...giving advice, etc. She tells me she loves me, and cannot kiss another man because of the way she feels. Something tells me that I can trust her...but I'm very guarded. I've forgiven her, but I refuse to go back to the cycle. Something must change. She wants me to be in our baby's life. I want a happy, stable, safe family to raise my daughter and new baby in. It's possible I can get a work visa and return to Israel. I want to be there for our baby...and I want to see if she has changed. I don't know what I SHOULD do. I'm stuck on the inside and need outside EYES to maybe catch something I am ignoring. Any advice from the women's side of things? Any experience with abuse, or being abusive and stopping oneself? What questions should I be asking myself?

[smackie9]

IMO you should keep this crazy bitch away from your daughter. You know she is violent, and YOU have a responsibility to protect your daughter....why would you want to bring up children in that kind of environment. Abusers always smooth things over with kind loving words, tell you it won't happen again, things are great for a couple of weeks then the cycle starts again. I speak from experience, the only way to stop it, is to leave.

Sorry but what I see is a lady that knows she can easily rope you into getting you into the states by getting pregnant, and convince you that you can't live without her. Heed my waring, I feel you are being taken advantage of. Get a paternity test would be the first step before calling the baby your responsibility. You just might find yourself getting ditched when everything is all said and done....is your gut tell you this?

Something tells me she's not pregnant. Put a damn condom on.

[chinagirl]

But you have to stop the cycle of being abused. Its not healthy for you and your kids. Make sure to tell her and be firm with her that this is it... she can love you the way a man deserves to be loved, or she can hit the road with Jack.

[Satina]

Any advice from the women's side of things? Any experience with abuse, or being abusive and stopping oneself?

The only way I've seen abuse end in a relationship is with the end of the relationship. I've seldom heard of an abusive person healing while staying in the relationship. They heal when they are out of it. Then again everybody is different and you never know...

Imagine if she came to the US how things would be different... You would be able to guide her and you'd have your "support" here (your friends and family), you would feel like "the man". But since you're going there, the roles are reversed. I'm not sure if this is something you're willing to accept easily, but I'm worried about what kind of person you will become after five, ten years of being miserable living under those conditions (i.e. under her conditions) assuming things don't improve.

What questions should I be asking myself?

- Do I trust that things will change this time?
- If I move back there and live in a relationship that still turns out to be abusive and draining me, will I grow older more quickly than if I stayed here to live a free life?
- Will I be missing out on something that could be better right here at home?
- Will I regret going back?
- Will I regret not going back?
- Am I the father? (No offense meant, just an honest opinion as requested. But sincere apologies if it's crude)

Anyway, I sincerely wish things work out for the best. Good luck

[pcmaster]

I think she didnt respect you thats why she scrached you in fights. You should fight back back then, shouldnt let her do this to you. You just proved what a sucker you are. Also trying to prove yourself shows your insecurity and her possible attitude against you. I agree with others you cant be sure kid is yours. Telling you that she cant kiss another man could be lies, especialy after how she threated you. Why do you think this time it will be diferent? And why do you wana go back instead of letting her visit. Ussualy women goes where man goes not vice versa.

[Wakeup]

Three words About her: (gathered from how you describe her) Boarderline Personality Disorder.
Two Words About You: (gathered from how you describe how you didn't just leave her and move back to the states) Codependent and Desperate

Words of advice for you: Leave her and don't ever contact her again. Get the professional help you'll need to get over this and to come to terms with the fact that you have a child in another country that you'll never see.

To stay in this woman's life would be child abuse as your kid grows up to see you beaten and her mother's particular brand of crazy.

Get the help YOU need and forget her and anything about her. Google Boarderline Personality Disorder and join the support group for survivors of that particular breed of person.

[smackie9]

I think we are just hearing ourselves talk on this thread.....no response from the OP.

[Wakeup]

What questions should I be asking myself?

How about: "What is wrong with me that I'd even consider returning to this crazy bitch?"