Can't get over her, is she coming back?

[Frank84]

Hey everyone. First time poster but have been following some other topics. Hope for some advice, really not sure what to do.. :-\

To begin, I'm 26 and my ex girl is 22. We dated for almost 4 years. When we started dating, I was 22 and she was my very first, and only girlfriend. I always asked myself why had I been single my whole life until I met her and then it just made sense. She was absolutely perfect. We fell in love with each other the first day we met. We had just the perfect relationship together. Everything was so much fun and doing silly little things together and it was a serious relationship with many kid like moments full of fun and laughter. We would always text each other cute little love messages and go out on dates, go to the mall, the movies, play in the yard, bike rides in the summer, etc etc. We talked about marriage someday, our future house together, kids, dogs, a real family, and spend the rest of our lives together. We were both faithful to each other the entire time, and loved each other with every inch of our hearts....

Then came that dreadful day...... She met a random guy where she works and they began talking, and 3 days after meeting him, she broke up with me.....She gave up on a 4 year relationship for someone that she just met....said he was just perfect for her and couldn't give good reason why she left, just that it "felt right" and was "following her heart". Of course this absolutely crushed me. I was extremely depressed. Cried all the time, called and texted her begging to come back, begging for answers as to why she left, but she was set in her ways, and wasn't changing her mind. She of course was hurt too by leaving, she didn't want to hurt me, but felt this was the right decision at the time.....

It's been 2 months now since she's left. It feels like it's been years though, days drag on for months it seems. The first month of their relationship was pretty good I guess. We talked a lot. She still wouldn't change her mind, but I would continue to express my love for her, but she was happy at this point in time with him. At the start of the 2nd month however, she started texting me saying how much she misses me, how much she regrets leaving me, and how it's the one thing that she has ever regretted in her life. She said that they fight all the time, argue over the smallest of things, and that everything that happens, they end up fighting over it. She's been telling me that she can't wait to come back to me and have me hold her in my arms again, where she feels safe. And that she wants to get married to me someday and have the cutest babies together. It gives me such hope that maybe our lives can get back to normal again. She said we would probably be back together by June or July, that's still another 2+ months away that I have to endure all of this pain...but then what if she changes her mind and decides to stay? Why stick around if she regrets this decision so much...

This was 2 weeks ago. She said that she wanted to give it 1 more month and try to get things to the point where they split mutually. She says that she isn't happy, and she can see that he isn't either and that things just aren't working out. I agreed to wait around for a while. (I'm not interested in looking for another gf at the moment) However after this moment, the past 2 weeks, she has been very different then what I am used to....She ignores 90% of the texts that I send her, and the ones that she does respond to, it takes days to get an answer from her. She claims that she is really busy lately, she works 2 jobs, but everyone has time to check a text and send a quick response back....

Do I just wait this out and see what happens? I have the strongest feelings for this girl and everyone thinks I'm crazy for sticking around and waiting after what she did to me, but it's just so hard to explain the way that I feel about her... The thing that kills me the most is the silence right now and never getting any responses to anything that I ask her. I feel like i'm "not worth her time at the moment" which really hurts considering she is not only the girl that I love more then anything, but she is also my best friend that I've ever had. She has always been there for me whenever I needed advice or help getting through a tough time, but now when I'm hurting and need her the most, she turns her back on me and doesn't extend her hand like she used to....

Really could use some friendly advice. I don't want to lose this girl forever. I know everyone says "time heals all wounds" but I really don't know that I can be as happy with someone else, or ever really feel the same love and passion that I did for her.

Thank you all.

[smackie9]

She is just using you as an emotional crutch. If she was serious of wanting to be back with you she would have done it by now....you are fooling yourself in believing what she tells you....they are empty promises giving you false hope. Don't get sucked in. Go by her actions and not by what she tells you. She only says those things to make herself better when things fall to shit with her BF. You shouldn't tolerate this emotional torture. You are best to go no contact to prevent her from using you as her emotional tampon.

Tell her firmly that there will be no more contact unless she is ready to be with you in a committed relationship. In the mean time, date other girls, enjoy your freedom.

[Frank84]

She is just using you as an emotional crutch. If she was serious of wanting to be back with you she would have done it by now....you are fooling yourself in believing what she tells you....they are empty promises giving you false hope. Don't get sucked in. Go by her actions and not by what she tells you. She only says those things to make herself better when things fall to shit with her BF. You shouldn't tolerate this emotional torture. You are best to go no contact to prevent her from using you as her emotional tampon.

Tell her firmly that there will be no more contact unless she is ready to be with you in a committed relationship. In the mean time, date other girls, enjoy your freedom.

Thank you for the response. It's so hard to think about moving on without the one that I envisioned the rest of my life with... The life that we both envisioned together... I cared about her so much. If she was ever in danger, I would have put myself in harms way if it meant that she would be okay... At the end of the day, I love her so much that I just want her to be happy above everything else. Maybe it would be better if I just let her go about things the way she wants. Maybe she will be happy with this new guy now, I don't know...

[loverman1]

Don't look for all the answers on this forum, its a mistake, nobody knows her better than you do, and nobody knows your relationship better than you do, it cant be told through half a page of writing on this forum. Understand that she has met someone else that it probably wont work with but Find the answers for yourself.

Focus on your agenda, your goals, your priorities, what's important to you. This is what's important and the key to a healthy relationship. this is the best advice I can give you.

[loverman1]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTYliibMakc

Take this into consideration about your behaviour.

[Nature]

Thank you for the response. It's so hard to think about moving on without the one that I envisioned the rest of my life with... The life that we both envisioned together... I cared about her so much. If she was ever in danger, I would have put myself in harms way if it meant that she would be okay... At the end of the day, I love her so much that I just want her to be happy above everything else. Maybe it would be better if I just let her go about things the way she wants. Maybe she will be happy with this new guy now, I don't know...

I'm so happy i found this forum, i thought i was the only one that can feel so strong about someone. My relationship also didn't work and i'm still wondering why and wishing it would and it's been over a year..crazy. But if you want to let it go, cut the contact, i think this is the only way. It's sooooo hard i can't explain it but you cant move on otherwise...life is strange and hard. I wish you all the best, i hope we all get true love in the end.

[Frank84]

Thank you for the answers everyone. This is just such a hard and very confusing time. 4 year relationship gone, just like that. Then she says she isn't coming back, she's made her decision. Then she says she's missing me and wants to come back, but feels that she can't come back now. Then says they are having problems, fighting and arguing over everything and that she can't wait to come back, she's made the biggest mistake of her life and regrets it terribly. Then it's "I'll probably be back by the start of summer." and now the latest is having 90% of my texts ignored and none of my un-answered phone calls returned. This is such an emotional rollercoaster that I'm on over the past 2 months...I get such high's and so much hope, followed by big low's and depression....

I called her on saturday and asked her howcome she has been ignoring me lately and she said that she has been really busy with work (she works 2 jobs). I told her I thought maybe she had moved on or wanted to forget about me. She informed me that she hadn't moved on and isn't forgetting about me. I then asked if we will date again and she replied "Probably, I don't see me being with him for very long." When asked "how long is very long?" she said she doesn't know. That's the last that I've heard from her, 5 days ago. Before hanging up the phone, I thanked her for answering the phone and for talking for a little bit, and she said "I love you" before saying goodbye. But ever since then, it's again more ignoring and not responding to anything that I send her. Could she really be THIS busy? Could her current boyfriend be forbidding her to be in contact with me? This is so unlike her considering we have texted each other basically every single day for the last 5 years of our lives no matter what...

So on 1 hand she's telling me that she is coming back and that we will date again and start over. She's told me to "be patient and everything will work out, I promise."
On the other hand, I'm being ignored and treated like I do not exist, making me wonder if she really means it when she says that she is coming back and to just be patient...

Should I just sit back and give her some space and see if she comes around? If they continue to have problems and I'm not in contact, would she begin to think about me more and miss me, thus maybe contacting me again? I did no contact previously in the first month, it only lasted 2-3 days and she texted me because she missed me and missed hearing from me.

[chinagirl]

Frank, I have not read the whole post but I read parts of it. In my opinion, your ex is playing you. When things are good with her BF, she ignores you... When things are bad, she gives you the false pretense that you're getting back together in the not so very near future.

Very simple, if the ex loves you, there is no reason why she is not wrapped around your arms right now. The ball is in your court, allow yourself to wait for eternity or follow Nature's advise and cut your ties with her. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you...

[KingZ]

Dude.

You need to stop right now. Ignore loverman1, he's an idiot. For the love of god, listen to the people that have thousands of posts and years of reading time here. I've been here since 2004; it's something we've seen happen over and over.

Your girlfriend is absolutely stringing you along. She doesn't give a shit about your feelings, and she doesn't love you. That's the cold, hard truth. Nobody with a good conscience would leave someone that loves them as much as you love her and sadistically make you watch her as she starts a relationship with another man. And while she's sleeping with him, she maintains an emotional affair with you... It's absolutely disgusting.

Because she was your first relationship, of course you're going to be completely blinded by love. These feelings that she's the one and only, that she's perfect, are an illusion, courtesy of hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of years of evolution. I promise you, you will feel this for another person someday.

To be honest, her behavior is beyond sickening; it's borderline sociopathic. She's mopping the floor with your heart right now and has no concern for you at all.

Fu​ck, I could go on and on about this. Eventually, when you're able to think rationally again, you're going to look back at this post and realize we were right. You'll be able to look at all of her flaws dead in the face and feel the same level of disgust. You'll wonder how you ever fell in love with such a person.

I'm going to give you this advice anyway, even though I know you won't follow it: run. Cut contact with her and never speak to her again. Get your balls back, Frank.

[loverman1]

No I'm not an Idiot, sorry you don't agree with my comment.

Its really your choice, but it should be clear that if you continue to hope for her, you could get yourself very hurt, however with a small chance of an happy ending. The girl you love has flaws, actually there is no woman on earth that doesn't, or guy, we are all behaving badly on occasions so don't hate her for what she's done to you. But realize that she may not love you truly, from her actions.

[Frank84]

No I'm not an Idiot, sorry you don't agree with my comment.

Its really your choice, but it should be clear that if you continue to hope for her, you could get yourself very hurt, however with a small chance of an happy ending. The girl you love has flaws, actually there is no woman on earth that doesn't, or guy, we are all behaving badly on occasions so don't hate her for what she's done to you. But realize that she may not love you truly, from her actions.

No, not an idiot by any means. I understand where you both are coming from. I do feel like she is stringing me along, and I do feel that she is treating me pretty piss poorly over this whole thing...If she loved me as much as she claims, there really is no reason she isn't back in my arms right now...

I gave her a call today and we talked a few minutes. I asked again when she is coming back and she said that she's just trying to sort her life out at the moment because it's a big mess. I've been writing and sending her emails every other day or so since the beginning of March. I would let her know what I've been up to, how my day went, and the things that went though my mind regarding her. She would say that she loved reading them and wanted me to continue sending them. A couple have been getting backed up lately until the other day, the last 5 that I sent, were all read. I asked her if she enjoyed the newest ones and she said that she hasn't gotten the chance to read any in a while....meaning he went into her phone and must have read them since they were all marked as read....I've since deleted them all. I told her to bring it up to him why he is going through her phone, but she said that they argue enough about everything else that she doesn't want to get into it with him.

I'm just going to take the advice to just continue working on myself for the time being. I have been since she left and I'm getting close to being in the best shape of my life in a long time.

[Oddball]

Disconnect the phone or change the number and let her sweat it awhile. I've been down your path before, even had my kids mother dump them off on me to go run off with two guys all the time while I became a basket case. It took me a year of 'but I lovvvvve her' bullshit before I finally slammed down the phone on her and I went on to raise my kids with another woman for 22 years before that one ended. I haven't heard a word from her since 1985 and my kids wouldn't know her if her face was on toast and jelly. Move on. It'll hurt, but you'll like yourself better later on.

[suddenlynothing]

Leave her she is a using twat, you'll be fine. Trust me, my situation is similar and now I just don't care anymore.

[Frank84]

Thanks again for the additional responses. It's much appreciated.

The latest is, the other night we texted back and forth for maybe 20 minutes. She brought this up on her own, but said that sometimes she really misses me, and sometimes she's happy with him. It's up and down constantly for her and she wishes she knew what to do. Sometimes she thinks the two of them will work out, other times she can't stand to be with him another second more. She informed me that she didn't feel this way with me when we dated, she was very happy with me all of the time. She was disappointed with me at times because we didn't always want the same things, but her happiness was never in question. I wasn't always open about my emotions with her. Typically when I had a bad day or if something was bothering me, I would bottle it up and store it away rather then talk about it and let it out. She always wanted me to be open about those things because she cared, and I thought if I let my guard down too much or was all emotional, that it would push her away to look for an emotionally stronger man then me...looks like it backfired anyway... I do feel bad about those things, I told her that I can't change the past but if I could, I would go back in time and be more open with her about those things. She said she believes me. This was late Friday night. I haven't heard from her since.

Will keep you all posted should anyone be interested in hearing of any more details.