He's abandoned me without a reason and I have no where to go

[Andor3]

It's a very long story, but basically "Josh" and I have been together for four years. We lived together in the USA for over a year. We are in our late 20s. He got a job overseas for almost a year and we had a long distance relationship. He then got an offer to stay at this job and he came back to help me move there with him. We paid thousands of dollars to move with our 2 pets and our belongings to this foreign country. It also took a lot of effort and time to do this. I also quit my job and left everything else behind for Josh.

Once we got there, over time Josh would have outbursts every so often and decide to do things like sleep on the couch or snub me in some way, or get moody. He threatened many times to have me go home, but we always reconciled and we have had many good times as well. I have been here for over a year now. A month ago he wrote me an email saying that it is over. Since then, I have tried to talk to him and he just gets furious. Josh claims that he never loved me and that I forced him to bring me to this country. I don't understand how I could even force him to do something like that. It was a process that took months..it's not like we just hopped on a plane. Then there are days where he wants to still cuddle me, watch movies, and be intimate.

Just over the past three days he has been very sweet to me, we've had sex several times, he's cuddled me, hugged me, massaged me, and spent intimate time with me. Then yesterday he came home, brought me a present.....then and FORCED me to call my family in front of him so he could hear and tell them I WANTEd to go home!! He said if I didn't he would leave the apartment and leave me stranded without money.

I called my Grandma crying because she is the only real family I have. She wanted to talk to Josh and he refused, but finally gave in. He told her that he never loved me and that I need to go home. My grandma said that since he brought me there he can get me back. I think he was expecting for my family to say that they would pay for my ticket, but in reality they won't and I have no where else to go if I go back to The USA. The ONLY family I have left is my Mom who is severely bipolar and abusive, my Dad, who is completely compliant with my mom at all times to appease her, my younger brother, and my grandma. I actually moved in with my boyfriend 4 years ago because my mom kicked me out of the house in a rage.

I am completely devastated that this is happening because for four years Josh and I have been inseparable. We were an extremely close couple and he has always expressed how deeply in love with me he was. We have all he same interests, tastes, and sense of humor. There is not another woman and I'm 100% sure. I have not done anything to betray him that I know of. I am kind, loyal, loving, take care of my appearance, and fun to be around. I truly believe I am the perfect partner for him. He also knows about my situation at home and that I really have no place to go if he sends me back to the USA. I also have to mention that in this foreign country, by law we are similar to what a common law spouse is in The USA...meaning I came here with the intention that we live as a married couple, share finances, and both own half of the house that we live in and our relationship is recognized by the country and this is what we are registered as. After looking it up, if I were to hire a lawyer I believe I would have the right to half of our home, but I do not really have the finances to do this. I don't really want to hurt him either because I do love him.

I also don't want our relationship to end. I believe that Josh and I are truly soul mates and I don't understand why he is just throwing me away. I am very confused. I thought that moving here was a big commitment and I would have never imagined that he would abandon me here, especially for no reason. Three years ago when we lived in the USA together he did the same thing and then came back months later saying how much he loved me and never wanted to live without me again. I believed him and took him back. I thought after that he had learned his lesson, but now it's like it's happening all over again only this time I don't have an apartment or a job. I have even suspected after living with my bipolar mother that he may have a similar mental illness..but that really might not be the case either.

Josh and I have been through so much as a couple and I don't have any reason why he is doing this. He's expressed many times that he wants to have children with me, get married, etc. Now he just claims that he NEVER loved me. He can only tell me that he just "wants to be alone" and that I will be happier with someone else. He also told me that's it's because "my face is ugly". Josh is being extremely cruel to me and I haven't done anything to him except not leave immediately like he wants me to do. Is this a normal thing to happen? I feel like my life has completely fallen apart and I can't understand why. I feel that my home and my life is being taken away from me. I have tried to tell him he is making a mistake, but he said only time will tell and that he will miss me, but that's his problem. If anyone could please give me some ideas or insight I would really appreciate it. Please don't just tell me to leave and go home because although I MAY have to do this somehow, I honestly don't have the money to, a place to stay when I get there, or an easy way of getting a job. I'm sorry if any of this is confusing because it is just too much to write. Please feel free to ask any questions and I can explain specific things in more detail. I am desperate for help.

[pcmaster]

You have my sympathy Andor. Maybe Josh is bipolar or sick thats why these crazy mixed signals. You could suggest couple counseling or if he refuses then go on your own to a regular one. Are you sure he havent cheated? Suddent change of attitude sometimes comes from cheating. It would be good if you could stay with your grandma or at least belive in yourself that you gona be okay on your own. Can you post a picture of your face? Just to be sure thats not the case. No offense ofcourse.

[chinagirl]

Sounds to me that PC maybe right... He may be a Bipolar. Why can't you get a job there?

[Andor3]

Thanks for your replies. I have suggested nicely that we see a counselor a month ago when he wrote the email. I begged him to try to work things out since I came so far to be with him. He said that he will not and he just knows that he needs to be alone. He also told me that if I leave he will have feelings for me again and that's the only way. He seems to think that it is just easy for me to hop on a plane and go back to The USA. The thing is my life isn't there anymore. I gave up my apartment, my job, I don't have much family support, and my few close friends I have are living in other states now and with their husbands/boyfriends. My life was here with him and I don't know why he can't see that.

If I do go back to The USA, yes, I can eventually get a job...but what do I do in the meantime? My grandma said I can stay with her, but it will be difficult with my pets. I am also from a very small town, so there really aren't many opportunities for jobs or anything if I stay with her. It's honestly another reason I was so excited to leave and go somewhere new. I also don't know how I will get back unless Josh helps me. I don't have enough of my "own" money to pay for a ticket or to ship my belongings. It is a very expensive trip.

Of course I can't be 100% sure that he hasn't cheated...but there is not another woman that I know of. He did sign up for every dating site possible after he wrote me the letter, but he has told friends that he hasn't gotten any response.

Josh has always insisted that I don't have to work because he makes a decent amount of money at his job. I am now applying desperately for jobs here so I can stay on my own, but he doesn't want me to stay long enough to find one. He wants me gone now ASAP. That also means I don't have time to look for a job in The USA while I'm here either. He just wants me gone. Since yesterday he's making me do embarrassing things like calling my Grandma in front of him. He had to hear me talking to her or he would leave the apartment without money. It made me feel like a hostage how he sat and listened to make sure I said what he wanted. He's now harassing all day today to call my parents even though I hardly ever talk to them..and it's only 6am there. I have to tell them that I WANT to go home and ask for their help or he will abandon me further. He thinks that they will help me pay for a ticket so he doesn't have to.

I am devastated because I love being here in Sweden and I really don't want to go back to my hometown in the USA. Also of course I can't figure out what I have done to deserve this from him. It's like he's become a stranger and he's being absolutely cruel. I would think that after 4 years he would at least help me get my feet on the ground if he didn't have a reason to have me leave or feel some sort of sympathy. He has been flipping back and forth between loving me and hating me every few days, but today is the worst he's been. Like I said, on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday he couldn't spend enough time with me, we were happy, laughing, being intimate, then yesterday he comes home from work and wants me gone again. It also seems that he doesn't want anyone to know what he is really doing to me.

I really do wish he would talk to someone because I feel like he's being very destructive to himself and me. He has always been very compassionate and a good natured guy.

- - - Updated - - -

Also PC.. No offense taken and I would love to post a picture of myself so you could all see if he's right, but I would like to to stay anonymous Josh is however the only person who has ever told me I have an ugly face :/

[pcmaster]

Your mistake was listening to him about not working. You could be independent now. But at least now you know better and can change that. Good luck ! Its gona be okay. The worse that can happen is go back to US and even thats not so bad cause its great to visit home after being away for so long. Dont be afraid, keep in touch with your family no matter how bad they are its still family you know. Find someone to talk to. It will be huge relief.

[bulrush]

You two are not married but you have no money? How does that even happen? You should always have emergency money for cases like this.

[chinagirl]

Okay, you said something really important in your post which is "I also have to mention that in this foreign country, by law we are similar to what a common law spouse is in The USA...meaning I came here with the intention that we live as a married couple, share finances, and both own half of the house that we live in and our relationship is recognized by the country and this is what we are registered as. After looking it up, if I were to hire a lawyer I believe I would have the right to half of our home, but I do not really have the finances to do this. I don't really want to hurt him either because I do love him",... if that is the case, he can't really throw you out of the house, can he?

You need to learn how to stand up for yourself and stop being so WEAK and DEPENDENT on this guy... Next step, get a job there, don't pay attention to whatever he says that you need to leave the country. He can't really force you to do that. He does not have that much power. Use the LAW in that country in your favor. If he hurts you in anyway, call the police and have him arrested. Once you have enough money, move out and get your own place.

Once you leave him, let him figure out what he really wants...if he comes back to you and you still love him, you need to sit with him and tell him you want to go to a couple's counseling. If he refuses, you can tell him to go f*ck himself, then hire a lawyer and try to get half of your share ;-). Kapish?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like you're lazy as ****. None of your options involve you getting a free ride anymore, so you don't want to do any of them. On top of that, now you are trying to take half the house he bought?

You are the crazy one, Andor.

[surfhb]

You have my sympathy Andor. Maybe Josh is bipolar or sick thats why these crazy mixed signals. You could suggest couple counseling or if he refuses then go on your own to a regular one. Are you sure he havent cheated? Suddent change of attitude sometimes comes from cheating. It would be good if you could stay with your grandma or at least belive in yourself that you gona be okay on your own. Can you post a picture of your face? Just to be sure thats not the case. No offense ofcourse.

Post of pic of her face? Why?

[woody]

Dear Andor3

I'm glad I dropped by today because reading your story pulled at my heart strings and I will start by saying, "I'm very sorry your going through this on your own in a strange land".
Read the other reply's. Yes, he could be suffering from some mental illness but then again, maybe he's just being a dink and doesn't know how to be the nice guy you claim he is in moments like these.
You say that years ago a similar thing happened so you left for a time and he came back.
Lady, do you really want a man that can do something like that. Have you when he wants you but discard when he doesn't? and you let him do it.

I know, I know, LOVE works in strange ways but girl, you have got to stand up for yourself here. No matter how you chop it up, HE IS BEING A BULLY. Well, F___ that. Stand up for yourself. You do this man no favors by allowing him to treat you this way, no favors to him or to you;
Implicitly, you seem to believe you have few options so allow me to offer you some.

If he wants you out and is being a twit and creating a toxic environment, you MUST take action. If your broke, who cares. Got a phone? Make some calls. Just see if there's a lawyer out there, get some prices, explain the situation. You may be pleasantly surprised at some of the services available especially in Sweden.

Look, you gave up allot to go there. The home you have is both of yours and you are entitled to a fair share. If he's playing tough, sometimes, (though we don't want to) we must bring out our inner B___. and by B___. I mean our inner Kali who has our backs when we need her.
Call around, let him know or don't, but get some options. DO NOT allow yourself to be bullied. If he wants you out, he can buy you out by giving you half the cash you both invested.

Lady, your not ugly. But he is, on the inside right now and I know you love him; but obviously things have changed and well, often, it isn't who one is when things are good that shows us their true personalities, it is who they are when things get tough that brings out more of one's 'true' natures.
Keep your head high, stand up for yourself and for goodness sake, your not powerless there, you have choices, find out what they are....

good luck
and i'm sorry your heart is breaking but you must realize, what he's doing is very unfair and messed up. Don't forget about that. You have to protect yourself

[nopickuplines]

I am very sorry for what you are going through. The problem is obvious in my opinion. You are not contributing to the house. Whether he asked you not to get a job or not, you should of gotten a job. It's very tough to pay for your things even if he is paid very well. Why should he? Loving someone shouldn't have a massive expense on someone. You insist that the house is half yours, but how much money did you give to pay the mortgage? Why is it that it's half your stuff? Did you give half of the money to buy them? He has every right to kick you out when he wishes, because he is the one paying the bills. You attracted him into your life, and it was a bad decision to put 100% of the financial burden on him.

Notice how this post is greatly centered on money. Yeah you love him, but it's all about money now isn't it? Now you want to take half of his stuff, of course he wants you out! He should. The laws are so anti-men that they allow a woman to take a mans hard work just because she feels entitled to it, even though she didn't contribute, other than having sex with the man. That is like a higher class hooker.

Stop being this person for the sake of men, and for your sake. I don't know anything about this man, but I sure am careful of letting a woman munch off from me just for for having sex with me. He should of just dumped you while he had the chance, because now it is going to be a bigger financial burden on him, for having you around. Stop being a financial burden on men who work hard for what they have.

[searock]

It does sound like he may have a mental illness, I doubt any mentally healthy person would behave so black and white for no reason. I think you should ask your family for the money to buy the ticket home, go live at your grandma's and find a job ASAP. After that you can find your own place and start being responsible for yourself and most importantly, independent. One step at a time. Oh and of course, clearly, he is not your soul mate. No matter all the beautiful memories you share, he is now treating you like garbage and being manipulative and controlling. You need to get rid of him and to find your independence.

[pcmaster]

I think if she worked around the house like cooked and cleaned she deserves half as house aswell no matter she invested money or not. Old school concept where man provides and women supports man. If he would hire maid to do housework it would cost him fortune in these years.

[Wakeup]

I moved in with my boyfriend 4 years ago because my mom kicked me out of the house in a rage.

This is one horrible reason to move in with someone. You should keep moving in together for when you're both financially stable and you're doing it for love and partnership not because you don't have anywhere else to go. O.o

Learn from this so you don't make the same mistake with the next guy you NEED in order to survive. In fact. Learn to live on your own with your own means so that you DO NOT feel trapped and desperate so you jump into things with someone before the honeymoon period has ended.

Call your American Consulate and ask them for advise. Tell them how you have no means of financial support so you can't get back home and see if they can help you. Perhaps if they can't, they can at least direct you to the organization that can.

As sad as you are, and as much as I empathize with your fear. He doesn't want to be with you any longer so now is the time for you to grow from this experience, work on being a modern, independent woman who can financially survive on her own (take courses and improve yourself so that you can get that goal achieved). Its when you're happy within that you'll choose a man the is good and the chances you'll last a LIFE time will be higher then.

Stop going to bed with him as well. Every time you do that, you're just giving yourself false hope that he actually wants you to stay. He sounds like a mental case so make that call today.

[Satina]

If he really wanted you gone, he would've paid for your ticket back home. He's messing with you, because he's messed up inside. You need to get a job asap and become less dependent for the times you have no one to rely on but yourself, like right now. If he asks you to leave knowing damn well you can't afford it, then surely he has to allow you some time to find a job and save up the money. I don't see how he can refuse that, he must have the decency to want to help you in that way. I know you won't be in a condition to work right now, especially since you haven't worked in a long time and because you are feeling devastated which is perfectly understandable, but by doing that, you will gain more time to deal with the situation and get a chance to gain more insight on what the hell is going on.

What's more important to you right now is to have a place where you can feel at home, more than anything.

So what's really stopping you from getting a job? Whether in Sweden or the States? If in the States you say living with your granma isn't good, opportunity-wise, then move in another city where you'll be able to find a good job, and perhaps you can borrow money from relatives if you need something to start with, and pay them back as you start earning money of your own again.

Find a job and earn a living of your own, that's all it takes. Then you can contribute in a home AND have a man who will respect you for the fact that you can take care of yourself. Build something for yourself, that's what makes a man love a woman in the long term, knowing she is developing and becoming a better person day after day. Your partner, and any other man for that matter, will value you more if you do so.

So start little by little. Tell him you'll apply for jobs to get some money for yourself, and that you'll need a little more time. We'll see where it goes from there.

I thought that moving here was a big commitment and I would have never imagined that he would abandon me here, especially for no reason.

There is ALWAYS a reason.

Good luck

- - - Updated - - -

I also quit my job and left everything else behind for Josh. :

You don't have to say what you did for a living, but let me point out that the sacrifice you made of quitting your job may be worthy of gratitude relatively to what your job was...

I mean, if you quit being a doctor or an engineer to be with Josh to support him, and then turns out Josh treats you this way, then yeah he is an ass for not appreciating what you did for him. But if you quit being a waitress to come live with him, then the situation is very different.

Three years ago when we lived in the USA together he did the same thing and then came back months later saying how much he loved me and never wanted to live without me again. I believed him and took him back. I thought after that he had learned his lesson, but now it's like it's happening all over again only this time I don't have an apartment or a job. :

You mean your mother's apartment? And you thought "that he has learned his lesson"? What lesson? This man may be a lunatic but he has his professional life put together and if the relatinship ends, you are the one in trouble not him. You need to realize that relationships aren't what they used to be like back in the 1900s and that nowadays a woman needs to maintain/increase her value overtime because if she doesn't, other women will be getting better day by day. It is not uncommon that a trophy wife/girlfriend's value depreciates in the eyes of her partner if all she does day after day is stay at home and wait for him, because that's how society is today, society says it's ok to leave your marriage or relationship if you think you can have something better. People don't settle anymore. They leave if they are unhappy. And your guy is unhappy. How can you not see the cause(s) of the unhappiness of the man you say you love and whose life you shared for the past 4 years? If you can find and understand the source, maybe there's things that can be done about it.

Good luck again