Made a mistake - he is now an ex - what to do ?

[Shanmoo]

Ive made a terrible mistake and ended up dumping my beloved boyfriend nearly 2 weeks ago now.

We had been together almost 9 months. Im his first long term relationship in many years... He is quite a bachelor, and set in his ways it has to be said. However, him being single was according to him not by choice, he just couldnt meet anybody right. We met at work, and hit it off straight away. I trusted him. His friends told me that he would be true to me, and I believed that. We have seen each other most days at work and quite often on the evenings and weekends. Everyone knew us as a couple at work and out of work. We were pretty inseperable.

We fell in love with each other and had, what I thought, was a very good relationship with a great life in the bedroom too. He said that he had never loved anyone as much as me (well the other being his love at university), and all his friends told me that they had never seen him so happy. There was one big bugbear though, and that was the fact that he cant drive. He is 41 and has never learned. When I asked him about it he said he had never needed to. He just always worked close to home and got the bus and walked. Thing is, I have a disability - fibromyalgia- and a blue badge. Eventually it started to make me really stressed, that I was doing all the driving everywhere. I tried to talk with him about him maybe learning to drive but he was a bit rude about it. That upset me, so we ended up having a "talk" and I said I was concerned that things may not work out because at the end of the day Ive got these physical problems yet Im doing all the driving around everywhere and I needed him to share it. I cant go running around on public transport and walking like he does. He agreed that he would learn, and I thought he was being genuine. He even told his friends and family that he was going to do it.

However he never did anything with it. 3 months had gone by and he hadnt even applied for his provisional licence. I had mentioned it, but he kept making excuses. Eventually, on the day I "chucked" him, he told me that he had no intention of learning, he had never wanted to and felt that he was simply nagged into it. He admitted that he had not been honest with me. Well of course I lost my rag and was upset and told him he could enjoy going back to being single as we had talked about it and he had lied to me :o(. On reflection, this was a dumb thing to do.....

I was gobsmacked at the time, to be honest. I hadnt expected that from him. Anyway we had a few angry text communications after it was very upsetting. I had to take days off work as I couldnt face seeing him. I asked him to meet me a couple of days later so that we could face each other before we went back to work, rather than deal with it in there. He was very reluctant. When we met up I explained why I had lost my rag.

Really, I wanted us to work it out somehow or other. However, when I tried to talk with him he said there was nothing to talk about, what was done was done and it was over. He said that in fact he had felt the relationship was over months before because I had been putting my stresses on him, and also not listening to him, which is actually true and I feel bad about. He said he is a "simple guy" (which I disagree with, I think he is complicated but never mind) and cant handle this negativity from me (which had been over me trying to find another job, mine being short term.... very stressful).
He admitted however that he said nothing and simply let us continue on. He said he didnt want any conflict or fights. He went on to say that we only had a good relationship because he agreed to everything!! Which I found shocking...

I asked him if he really wanted to let us go and he said yes, it was over. So I walked away.

Since then I have written to him and he has written back, both of us apologising, in mine I said I was sorry that he could not talk to me and sorry that he felt he had to lie to me.

However despite this because I got the impression from his message that he still was walking away from us, I got angry, and so said could not accept his apology for lying to me and lost my rag again in a text message.

People have told me that it sounded like he had said the relationship had been over for months, to get back at me. Only the weekend before we broke up had he still been the 100% loving boyfriend. We had looked at a house the week before that and he had also mentioned to me about having children.

Its awful as we work in the same place. He is now going to work away and has booked himself away for 3 weeks, which is a long time, usually he does 2 weeks. He told me he will go down to London regularly now, as he did before he was with me.

Having had time to reflect, I realise Ive made a dreadful mistake with him, in that firstly I should never have pushed him into the driving thing. I think he is scared, and doesnt want to admit it. He did say to me previously "Im too old.... its too difficult.... I wont be any good at it.... People dont want me on the road".
Its easier to learn to drive at 17/18. At 41 its very hard. I guess, we could have worked around it, but I couldnt see any way at the time.
He has never admitted to having anxiety, but his nails are bitten right down to there being nothing left hardly. When I asked him about it he refused to talk about it and was embarrassed. He comes from a family who "keep themselves to themselves", arent bit socialisers, and "stuff" isnt really talked about. For example, he is a twin, they have a half brother from the dads previous marraige, but they have never met him and their dad wont talk about it. My ex was never a one for going to big do's, and his spare time was spent mostly reading books or watching DVDs. He did go out occasionally for a few drinks, but thats more with a select close friends.

I thought he was just being a lazy bachelor expecting a woman to look after him, but thats daft as he is certainly not like that. He gave me a lot of help around my home. I also leaned on him far too much with my problems. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and I love him deeply. Obviously he has communication issues though, however these are not something that cant be resolved ?

I am absolutely devastated over what has happened. I just want him back.

I do believe that he loved me very much, and was trying so hard within his limitations ( he is not really a skilled DIY'er or good at anything in the house simply because he has never had to, always lived rented furnished, never cooked for people BUT HE TRIED AND MADE AN EFFORT WHEN HE WAS WITH ME, ALWAYS HELPING ME OUT ), he would never have cheated on me, he has been a muppet though for not speaking up and just letting his frustrations with me bottle up rather than having a confrontation. But then again, he has not been in a LTR for some years and I think he was sometimes overwhelmed with having to think about another person. Also that his routines got somewhat disturbed by seeing me, although he said he preferred it.

Is there any hope at all ?
I have about 4 bags of his belongings, and Ive said that he can collect them or I will put them on his desk at work. He said before that he would get his stuff "when he was up to it".

I apologised for my behaviour by facebook message the other day and said it was a completely stupid situation that had no need to happen. I havent heard anything back from him, although he is staying with his brother over the Easter weekend. He didnt tell his brother we had broken up, brother only found out because I explained why I had had to remove him from my Facebook friends.

Looking at the language in for example my ex's valentines card, the looks in our photos together (just a few weeks ago) and all the things he said prior to me blowing up at him, I cant believe that this is what he really wants. Im willing to accept Ive made mistakes and learn by them. I would not push him to learn to drive and we would have to find a compromise. Perhaps he can take the housework off me, as thats hard for me with my fibromyalgia. Ive also seen that my moods and nags can destroy something for me, if I dont take control of them. I can get very depressed, as a result of the disability on my life. I was getting counselling, but my 8 sessions ended about a week before I lost my rag with him and dumped him.

Do you think he will listen ? If so, when ? Im planning now to no contact him now. The whole thing is making me feel sick. I feel like I have a massive whole in my body and in my life. It physically hurts.

Guys ? Any non-drivers here ? Or long term bachelors ?

[vashti]

It may have had less to do with the driving, and more to do with the stress of dealing with someone with a chronic condition. Maybe he just decided he wasn't up for it.

Also, if he is single at 41 and never married, I am guessing there is a reason.

[Wakeup]

Now that he's no longer your boyfriend, won't you have to do all the driving now anyway?

[smackie9]

Everyone is right he does have anxiey issues, most people who refuse to drive do. To add he has been single for a reason, he wants no responability for someone else, especially someone with a disability like vashti said....it all makes sense.

Since stress contibutes to aggervating your condition, he is not a suitable life partner. You need someone more stable, strong, compassionate and nurturing. Your ex wouldn't even have the capability to even raise children, and it would most certainly be hard on you to bare the responsability.

Your needs and expectations should never be sacrificed just to keep him, they should be your priority. You didn't make a mistake, you made the right choice.

[HeartIsAching]

He's not the only one with communication issues...

[IndiReloaded]

Neither of you are bad people, just incompatible. Don't make this more than what it was. Be thankful for your brief time together and move on.