married men and single women, really need some advice

[kelleydawn501]

Hey there, I need some male opinions on a friendship my husband has with a single woman he works with. A few month ago, this single woman saw my husband in the OR and was hitting on him b/c he was cute and she thought he was available. She told him this and he later told me this. Not sure how long after the initial contact she found out he was married and also that they had known each other many years ago. With that being said they decided to continue a platonic friendship. So now they eat lunch together 2-3 times a week either at work or off campus and sometimes she meets him for lunch on her days off, they text during the day and evenings quite a bit, they have phone conversations when I am not around, and have met outside of work 3 times to do things together in the last few weeks. One time was for lunch while I was at a baby shower, another time he went to dinner with her and her friend on a Friday night and then went to one of their houses to hang out while I was out of town, and the first time she invited him over after he left work late one night to eat dinner. He didn’t call me to tell me he was going over there b/c he said he was famished and forgot. I found out b/c I found him over there. Needless to say, I was really pissed about this last meeting which actually was the first outside of work social encounter that I am aware of. I felt like he should have called me and two, the woman should have made some attempt to reach out and say sorry I didn’t know, etc. He told me later that she was pissed at him b/c he made her feel like the other woman but she still made no attempts to say hey sorry, etc to me.
So this friendship has been going on for a few months and neither he nor she has made any attempts to meet me, the wife. My husband has said he wanted us to meet, etc but that hasn’t happened yet. So the next thing that really makes me wonder what is going on is that the text messages she sends, or at least the few that I have seen b/c he doesn’t know why I want to read them and deletes them pretty consistently, some of the things in there I feel are inappropriate to be saying to a married man. My husband thinks I am reading into them and am just insanely jealous.
So here is the banter on Friday night and Sunday evening this past weekend:
Friday night: She says” I wish you could hang out with me tonight” he says “that would be great” and she says “indeed”
Sunday night: he sends her a link to something about an art exhibit and she says “I was just thinking about you.” Then she sends him a picture of the sunset and says “just got in from laying in my hammock. You should be with me. Dinner was awesome. I hate cooking dinner for one. =(“
So give me your thoughts, I think the relationship has gotten to an inappropriate level, my husband says I don’t know her and that I am reading into it, and that I’m insanely jealous.

[Kromat83]

It does seem like he is spending too much time with her, and from their conversation, he should know better.
I would tell him to distance himself from her a little, her and him should know better, and it's the usual case of, wanting what you can't have.

No sense to ruin what you have with your husband, and there needs to be a serious talk with him ... if he isn't understanding, maybe all 3 of you need a chat, and let there be no fighting, just try to see how she reacts around him and how he responds, then you'll know what it's like.

[vashti]

Oh, hell no!

If this woman was on the up and up, she would be wanting to include you... no, INSISTING you be included. Your husband is allowing her to be in a position where his primary relationship is threatened. What a creep.

[Wakeup]

My husband thinks I am reading into them and am just insanely jealous.

Not only is he having (at the very least) an emotional affair, your husband is attempting to continue on in this mental fk fest by trying to reflect your natural reaction, as his chosen, monogamous lifemate, to his very inappropriate behaviour back to you.

Did you tell him that if he paid as much attention and did as many fun things with you as he's doing with her that your marriage wouldn't be on this slippery slope?

P.S. Her knowing that he's married and continuing on with him in such a manner makes her one of those C-wordy types. Too bad your husband isn't seeing her in that light.

[smackie9]

This woman is a threat to your marriage, and your husband is over stepping his boundaries. They are having an emotional affair hands down and that is CHEATING. What they are doing is no different than a couple that are dating, and those messages from her are inappropriate for sure. When one doesn't reveal what they are doing, they know they shouldn't be doing it. You need to slam the hammer down and tell him if he doesn't stop this nonsense, he can get the f out.

[kelleydawn501]

what you said is exactly how I feel. He is using my "jealousy" as an attempt to cover what really is happening or going on. He said he was cutting the relationship off. When I asked him what he was going to tell her he said "that you are jealous of their friendship". I was like oh hell no, thats not the truth! If jealousy=inappropriate behavior between a married man and a single women that is causing problems at home or if jealousy=a woman and a married man that have gone outside of the boundaries of an acceptable friendship, then yes Im a jealous person!!

Its like he is unwilling to understand that piece. Im like if you can't see that she is coming on to you and your feeding it, then why dont you trust that your wife is seeing it, is bothered by it and accept thats whats really happening. He keeps defending her saying she's not like that. if you would just give her a chance you would really like her, blah blah blah. I said if she was a decent person, she would have insisted on meeting me by now and she wouldnt be sending you text messages like that.

[Lord Darkshire]

This isn't over. There is a reason why he defends her. There lacks connection in your marriage so he seeks it with her. Some think it's harmless because there isn't sex involved, but it is so far from the truth. I suggest you send him a link to read about emotional affairs, about his sneaking around with her, when you go out, her messages and their meaning. Thereare plenty of these on the net. read through a few and find the one that most explains more about his actions. maybe that will make him realize how dangrously close he is to losing his marriage.

After that you need to either work on your communication with each other, and start spending quality time together, or seek out couples counseling. When people stray away from a relationship it's usually from boredom and or negliect. We don't even realize it until something like this happens.

[TheEvilJester]

Unlike what a lo of people seem to think, I personally have always felt that men and women can be just friends. Even when one or both of them are in a relationship. But, when one of both are in a relationship (especially marriage) there needs to be boundaries. If you ask me, it does not sound like those boundaries are being properly respected in this case. Even from the little you have shared with us, this sounds inappropriate to me. It is okay for them to be friends, but not okay for them to be as close as they seem to be.

It would be different if they knew each other and were close friends their whole lives. Of course, there would still need to be boundaries, but it would be more understandable if they were very close. But, you mention that they really just met months ago. So, he should never have pursued a close friendship with her in the first place. Again, nothing wrong with being friendly, nothing wrong even with them being friends. What is wrong is how often they talk, how often they see each other, and the fact that it seems to often take place without you knowing. The content of their conversations also sounds a little too close, if you ask me. But, again, we can only go by the little you have shared.

It is entirely possible that it is 100% innocent in his mind. However, that is not the point. This bothers you, so it needs to stop. You should have a serious conversation with him. Don't let it degrade into fighting, just a calm, matter of fact conversation where you share how this makes you feel. I know you said you have done this already to some degree, but has it been more in passing, or have you actually had a serious conversation about it? I wouldn't necessarily recommend telling him to stop being friends with her, but I don't think you are unreasonable to ask that he dial it back a little. A text now and then is fine. Hanging out now and then is okay. But, not as often as they have, and at times you should certainly be included. Good luck. I hope everything goes well.

[Wakeup]

I think he knows he's having an emotional affair because he's getting off on the connection and that's why he doesn't want to give it up. He tells you that you need to give her a chance but neither of them have given you that opportunity because they don't invite you to their private "friendship."

I suggest (as I did in your other thread) that you print out this thread so he realizes that you're not crazy, or being unreasonable in your FEAR of his and her relationship.

Tell him how their interaction makes you feel. Use your "I" words to describe those feelings so he understands your reaction to his inappropriate interaction with her. Ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend that you spend alone time at his house with.

Tell him that it's not reassuring that he resents giving up this nonsense while turning around the reason why he's stopping it on you rather then telling her that its inappropriate for a married man to be going on with her like he is. Tell him all that while using your "I" words and avoiding where ever possible using "You" words that will put him on the defensive.

Again: Let him know that if he did the fun things with you that he does with her, if he gave you the attention he gives her, then your marriage wouldn't be on the slippery slope its now on.

Good for you for pointing out to him that if she was a true friend without ulterior motive, then she would not be doing date like activities without you with them and she wouldn't be tempting him with dinner which takes him away from you.

This isn't over. There is a reason why he defends her. There lacks connection in your marriage so he seeks it with her.

This isn't necessarily true. It's those without boundaries that have these kinds of things happen in their normally happy union. That is how MOST affairs (emotional or otherwise) take place..(not counting the chronically addicted to "strange") When there are NO BOUNDARIES in place. OP: Your husband has no boundaries with this woman and he's allowing her to cross what most committed, long lasting and happy couples have in place.

[kelleydawn501]

I couldn't agree with you guys more, thats exactly how I feel and thats what I see happening. We have had a few very serious conversations over the last couple of days b/c I feel like he is not "hearing" me or downplaying my concerns. Ive told him how the relationship is being seen in my eyes and not only mine but other people as well and its like he is in denial, probably b/c then he can deal with it in his mind that he hasn't done anything wrong. He has many female relationships that ARE appropriate and Ive pointed out the differences in them. Ive also told him if this woman was married or dating someone that she really liked she wouldn't be so into you, wanting to have lunch all the time, texting you all the time, making leading comments, etc.

Depending on what happens in the next few days, if he breaks it off, but deep down inside I think he is going to avoid it and just start ignoring her b/c thats the easy way out, I am going to ask him to read about emotional affairs, which he thinks is a bunch of crap, and then recommend we seek therapy b/c I told him my biggest fear at this point is that this is just going to happen again. And I need him to understand how this happened in the first place and how we can prevent it. I really don't think he knows how lucky he is that I haven't gone apeshit on him or her and I have been so accomodating and forgiving in all this crap when Im the victim here. When I pointed that out last night, he was like what so now I need to ask you for forgiveness? That really pissed me off.

So do you think I should tell this woman what I think of her in an appropriate manner, and how disgusting she is?

[smackie9]

I think it will cause more trouble than you think. For now work on him. If you find a text from her that is inappropriate, you pick up the phone and tell her in a calm manner that she needs to see what she is doing is not right and how would she feel if her husband was receive messages like that. Then just hang up. Don't express anger, or start name calling. Just by pointing out the obvious to her it should make her step down.

[michelle23]

Hes putting her above you, you are his wife! This is not the behavior of a man who loves and respects his wife. Why have you not gone apeshit? Seriously?

[kelleydawn501]

i know I should, not sure why I haven't. I can tell you if I find anything else I won't be able to control myself.

and I do think its prolly best now not to contact her b/c my luck she would run to him and turn the shit all around and make it look like I was the crazy one. right now the way he is thinking and acting he would probably go for it

[Wakeup]

So do you think I should tell this woman what I think of her in an appropriate manner, and how disgusting she is?

Well, as I said in your other thread, and in my opinion you should not contact her at all. The problem is that your husband entertains her flirting, he allows her to stroke his ego, he's addicted to her shit and it's up to him to give up what he's addicted to and do it because he knows it's negatively affecting his life. (his marriage and the emotional connection to you).

You can't control him and take things into your own hands here like you're his mother. All that's going to do is make her look even better because she doesn't try to control him at all... she just gives him good feelings.

Work on him the way you have been with telling him of your feelings and getting it across to him that he's being inappropriate and right now he's putting more value on her then he is you and your feelings resulting from their behaviour.

I think introducing articles to him about emotional affairs is a good idea.

[michelle23]

What makes you so sure this hasnt turned physical yet? He went to her house for dinner and lied about it. "Oh sorry dear, I forgot you are my wifr, thats why I didnt call"