And the Ex remains relevant

[dazer43]

Hi Everyone,

So here is my dilemma… My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. He had been in a marriage previously with a woman he had gone to college with and was with her in total of 12 years (no kids). We started dating 5 months after they had filed for a legal separation (I was not aware of his situation until after we had been on a few dates). So I have been through it all with him, to changing his ex-wife’s address, to throwing her shit out, to her crying back to him, and to her not wanting to sign the divorce papers. The list could go on.
So now here it is 4 years later and she still manages to pop back up into our lives. Long story short they were both part of a sorority and fraternity that is linked in some way. So when it comes time for events and parties etc, it is always their specific houses that would get together, even years later after graduation. The last event that my boyfriend went to without me (might I add) and saw his ex-wife for the first time after all the divorce drama. He comes home telling me that it was good to see her and feels like a brick has been lifted from his chest. He was glad that they were able to be civil with each other. The next day his ex-wife texted him saying “It was great to see you and I hope we can be friends.” He told me that he never responded to her text and to just ignore it. However, when I ask about the situation he tends to get a little defensive telling me that it is none of my business and that he doesn’t ask me about my ex-boyfriends.
This whole situation is eating me up inside. Since my boyfriend decided to “shit where he eats” I now have the privilege of seeing not only his ex-wife but all the other skanks he slept with at the sorority house on a regular basis. So this means all of his guy friend’s weddings, college events, parties, etc. How can his past possibly remain in the past, if it is always relevant?
I feel disrespected in this relationship due to his ongoing relationships he has with these women he was once intimate with. I wish he would tell them off in a tasteful way, but I don’t think he is in a position, nor wants to do so. I have never been part of a sorority so I cannot relate well to his situation. But I am the type that once that door closes there is no reason to re-open it, as well as closing the doors to unhealthy relationships in my life.

[smackie9]

Just tell him how you feel simple as that. The only way to deal with this is to have a a few discussions with him. Go over your relationship expectations, and relationship boundaries. some where along the line you are going to have to make a compromise. I don't think it's fair to deny him to attend a friends wedding because some of these "skanks" are going to be there. Remember in order to make this work, you need to be a little more open minded and not so jealous and threatened.

[dazer43]

I would never deny him the opportunity to attend these events or weddings ever, these I can handle... I can put on a brave face and pretend that them talking about their past together and his ex-wife doesn't bother me (even though it's been 4 years). It's more the texting and phone calls days after that I am not so fond of.

What exactly do you think I should be more open minded about?

[smackie9]

The fact it wasn't unhealthy for him or for anyone to experience or explore casual sex in uni. He was young, and sewing his wild oats.....those days are long gone. He is not that person anymore. You need to let that go...he can't change what he did back then.

I think what is happening here is that you don't have a strong social circle of friends or social life, your focus is with him. Now here he is, his attention has shifted away from you, with you sitting on the outside looking in on his popularity with these people, feeling like an outcast.

You need to tell him that things have changed and you don't feel like a part of his life, and his ex in the picture is making you feel uncomfortable. Like I said you need to go over expectations, and work on a compromise for him to cut back on the texting with these girls, and you will try to get to know these people socially. You can put on a chesser cat smile all you want, it still won't hide your resentment. That is why I say be open minded, be more open to getting to know these people, instead of judging them based on what they did years ago.

[surfhb2]

Seriously? Name one thing your BF did wrong here? I dare you? No wonder hes defensive....you sound pretty insecure about the whole situation. Are you honestly upset about meeting people your BF slept with almost 20 years ago? Think about this for a moment.

If you cant live with his past or the fact he sometimes text or gets texts from this past, then you need to leave. Fraternity/Sorority bonds last a lifetime....not sure if you experienced college life but its very special.

It's more the texting and phone calls days after that I am not so fond of.

Day's? Whats Days? He got a single text from his ex. Lighten up love

[michelle23]

Do you trust him? I am a believer in following your instincts. You know him better than we do.. why is he being defensive? Have you had this same issue for four years or is it new?

[basilandthyme]

Just how many texts and phone calls are happening? What is their frequency?