in love with my married best freind

[chinagirl]

I don't know what to tell you. You are in a very difficult situation. If you really can't avoid being around her, at least keep your contact and conversations with her to a minimum (like on a business level). No exhanging 196 text messages. I don't even exchange that many text messages with my BF. And I suggest you speak with her also to try her best not to approach you unless it is work related since she already knows how you feel towards her. She needs to help you get over her and not encourage you to have this deep seated feeling that just won't go away.

This needs a lot of effort and self control on your part but Brandi needs to help also by distancing herself from you. It's just not fair to both of your kids and spouses.

[searock]

At the very least stop texting and talking on the phone and hanging out alone with her, all that has to stop. Work stuff is ok, as well as stuff to let your kids play together I guess. Nothing more.

I already told you you need to talk to your wife and tell her about your struggles with your marriage - of course also tell her about your crush on Brandi. As for Brandi, if she doesn't get it by herself, you need to tell her explicitly that you don't want to be in contact with her about anything other than work related, or at most kid-related.

[Kokombos]

Most of the users are right, although a bit harsh on you. If you love someone, you have two choices: if there is a (real) chance to be together and you want that, go ahead. If there is no chance, or you don't want to (because it'd destroy two families) then what you have to do is CUT contact ASAP. I know it's hard due to your work situation, so you'll have to decide to what extend you are going to have to go, but the further away you get from this Brandi, the better. For everyone's sake.

And no, DON'T tell your wife how you feel about Brandi. It's ok to tell her if this feelings were new, but you had them even before marrying your wife, so telling her would not only be about your feelings but also about a deception you've been carrying on for a long time, your marriage could go south fast.

Also, I hope you can find a way to achieve greater connection with your wife: she is the one who should be your best friend as well.

[friendsonly]

chinagirl, searock, kokombos - With the exception of telling my wife you are all saying the same thing and that is what I'm planning on doing. At this time leaving this job would probably not happen but I need to sit down with Brandi and talk about this to figure out how we are going to handle this because like you guys said its going to take both of us. I will have no choice but to bring this back up and discuss it with her.

I'm still not sure about letting my wife know everything though like searock suggested. I feel more like Kokombos in this particular matter. I think telling her may do much more harm than good. Especially with her past history and like Kokombos said, these are feelings that were there since before my wife and I met so she may feel even more betrayed because this was NOT caused by an issue in our relationship therefore she may not see any solution to it.

I'll keep checking this thread regularly and post some updates later. Like I said I have a meeting with a counselor tomorrow morning when I will discuss options some more and make some final decisions.

Thanks again everyone for your help with this issue and I appreciate every one of the replies that you gave. I know I may not be doing the right thing in all of your eyes but trust me when I say every one of these posts has influenced the decisions and probably the outcome. I will continue to take any more help that anyone can offer.

-friendsonly

[chinagirl]

I agree not telling your wife because it defeats the purpose of you trying to keep your family intact. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid.

[goodmorning]

how would you feel if your wife had a really good male friend at work that she was in love with?

[friendsonly]

goodmorning-I'm probably not the best person to answer this, I'm already on the other side of that fence so no matter what I say it will sound biased. Also I have always been extremely trusting in my relationships, but ill answer it anyway since you asked.

If my wife had a great friend at work that she knew before we even started dating and that she spent as much time with as I have with Brandi. A friend that was a friend of the family not just a friend to her. A friend who's kids I pick up from school and take them to the friends house and sit with his wife for a drink.

If she had that friend:

I would NEVER want to know she was in love with him!!!

[michelle23]

Your full of excuses and in complete denial. The reality here is you have made a complete fool of your wife. Your whole relationship has been one big lie and you dont deserve her.

At this point, I think the right thing to do is leave her because she deserves better than this. She was second best to you and thats not fair on anyone.

As for the other woman-its not going to happen but since you refuse to try and get over her and will do anything to keep her in your life-you should just be alone in your little fantasy world and let your wife find a man who is happier in reality with her..

People who have affairs have addictive personalities. Shes your escape from real life. Its like a drug addiction. Thats all she is and your too much in denial to realize it or do anything about it.

This is why I would never choose to be financially dependant on a man. Your wife will struggle without you. I just hope she was smart enough to get a qualification and experience before marrying you

[woody]

Just wanted to send off one last thought.
Realizing my last post to you may have seemed somewhat blunt. I was feeling for your wife. Yet allow me to say this.

Some of the greatest love stories of all times were so called 'forbidden' loves that they either allowed to fade away or they waited until they were old and grey.

I suppose you could find solace in the fact that you have allot of love around you and rest in this.

again, hoping you and yours find a happy peace.

[searock]

I need to sit down with Brandi and talk about this to figure out how we are going to handle this because like you guys said its going to take both of us. I will have no choice but to bring this back up and discuss it with her.

*massive eye rolling*

What the hell? You DO NOT discuss this with her again. Just tell her - don't start a conversation about it, just tell her - that you do not want to be in contact with her outside of work or kid related stuff, because it's disrespectful to your marriage. That's it! No more sitting down together, discussing your future, having secret emotional-rushing conversations together. No more of that crap. You're 40 for pete's sake, act like an adult.

[goodmorning]

Its a bit hypocritical to call someones advice harsh and blunt and be sensitive about what people are telling you, yet you dont feel your wife deserves the same sensitivity. Do you think about how others might feel?

What youre doing is wrong. What more can we offer you?