My husband cheats when on business trips...

[Carrie Okey]

Ok, where do I start?

My husband and I are in our 50s. Kids are grown and independent but two are still living with us. We both love our job. His takes him in many different countries on business. Our relationship had its ups and downs, just like everybody else. We’re at a point in our life where we should be able to enjoy our new found freedom, and we certainly have the financial freedom too… but 18 days ago I found out he’s having an affair with a young woman (28-30 year old approx.) from a country he visits on a regular basis.

Of course he said she means nothing to him and won’t see her again…

He wants us to go to counselling. He goes out of his way to be nice and thoughtful, he’s very focussed on our relationship, very much into ‘us’ at the moment.

Needless to say, the trust has gone out the window.

I feel he has everything here at home. Why did he stray??! I’m angry. I’m resentful. I always tried to be a good wife. I never got in the way of him playing hockey, golf, baseball, and always let him go fishing and hunting. I worked hard outside the home and I tried my best to be a good mother and good wife when at home.

The thing is, he’ll be travelling again to that country. It’s his job. Now what?

I feel lost. I haven’t told a soul. I feel I could burst at any moment.

Feedback please?

Thank you for your time!

Carrie Okey

[chinagirl]

First of all, I just want to say that Carrie Okey, I love your pseudo name...

Now let's get to your problem, the reason I got divorced was because my ex husband cheated and got caught the first time he did it (at least according to him it was his first time to cheat, a one night stand). I believe in the sanctity and preservation of marriage, but deep in my heart, I knew that cheating was something I could not live with. Even though I still loved him at that time, the trust was gone, he made me feel sick being around him and I couldn't stand the thought that he had sex with another woman. So, I filed for divorce... But then, that's just me and I was younger then and less tolerant. If it happened now, it might have been a different story.

Ask yourself what you can live with. Can you trust him again? Do you love him enough to let go of the past and move towards a better future and life with him?

In terms of his traveling, can he ask his company not to send him on a business trip in that country? I'm sure there is someone they can send to cover or replace him. If he can't, why don't you go with him?

I don't blame you for worrying. The woman he cheated with is still young and I'm pretty darn sure she's not after him for his good looks ( although your husband might actually be good looking) considering the age difference and the distance that makes the affair geographically undesirable. So, if she is after the money or a just a meal ticket to come to North America, I would suspect that she will throw herself over and over your husbands face. A man can only resist a certain degree of temptation.

My suggestion is for him to request not to travel in that place, and if not possible, go with him... That is only if you're willing to save your marriage.

[smackie9]

He cheats because he is self entitled to have HIS secret life. Some feel it's ok as long as the spouse doesn't find out, you know "what they don't know won't hurt them". My suggestion would be to have your own cookie, well more like sausage on the side while he is out of town, hell why not? It just might make your marriage happier and more satisfying.

[Wakeup]

He's told you he wants to go to marriage councelling. Why don't you just do that and then make a decision based on how that turns out? Strangers opinions about what they'd do and not do won't help you to do anything without full emotional disclosure from the both of you in front of an impartial third party.

[chinagirl]

Wakeup, with due respect, no amount of counseling can ease the pain caused by a cheating husband. It is the ultimate betrayal that a married person can do to his/her spouse. Only time can heal the wound and sometimes, that can take a very long time. I know, because I have first hand experience with this.

It's even worst when you have kids together because it's a totally disrespectful thing to do to the the mother of his kids. Talking about confidence level being flushed down the toilet is an understatement.

She can go for counseling but as a woman scorned, I believe that it will put her more at ease if the husband was as far away as possible from the alleged mistress.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, with due respect, no amount of counseling can ease the pain caused by a cheating husband. It is the ultimate betrayal that a married person can do to his/her spouse. Only time can heal the wound and sometimes, that can take a very long time. I know, because I have first hand experience with this.

All due respect back, China but that was your story and the Op may not be the same as you. Not everyone dissolves a marriage because of an infidelity. I know a couple that has bounced back from that and are really and truly happy now after having gone through the couples counceling route so all just depends on the individuals involved. No one said it would be easy but it is possible.

It's even worst when you have kids together because it's a totally disrespectful thing to do to the the mother of his kids.

No one said it wasn't. The couple we know has two.

Talking about confidence level being flushed down the toilet is an understatement.

Well, that is one of the things that their therapist will help Op with.

She can go for counseling but as a woman scorned, I believe that it will put her more at ease if the husband was as far away as possible from the alleged mistress.

I wasn't suggesting anything different, there.

Cheers

[michelle23]

Wakeup-no disrespect meant but many couples "appear" happy but only they know what goes on behind closed doors and how they truly feel. Its easy to say "you can forgive" but doing it is a much harder thing entirely.

This man cheated because he could. And its probably not the first time. He probably chose to travel away from home in the hope he could get away with it. The real issue here is OP doesn't know if this is the first and last time or the 20th time coz hes thousands of miles away. And she doesnt know how long he has been lying to her.

OP its your life and your choice. You can try counselling if you want to try and save your marriage but if you do go that route, I would advice you to demand he gets a different job closer to home (no more travelling) coz you cant trust him when hes away. Also demand you both get tested for STD's.

Set your terms and have boundaries in place and if he wont do what it takes to try and save this-then I think you should consider walking away.

Im curious-did he suggest counselling as soon as you found out? If yes that makes me think he was prepared for this and thinks he can get away with easily.

I personally would be filing for divorce now but its your choice. Just remember there is a saying "fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me

[vashti]

I would also consider the counseling, and hold off making a decision about what to do until afterwards. Breaking up a marriage when you are in your 50s isn't the same as doing it when you are in your 20s or 30s. It is entirely possible that at your age, you may end up single till you die, and trust me when I say, the pickings are slim in the dating world for men your age.

[KingZ]

She's a woman Vashti, but good advice...

She meant to say "for finding men your age".

[Wakeup]

Wakeup-no disrespect meant but many couples "appear" happy but only they know what goes on behind closed doors and how they truly feel. Its easy to say "you can forgive" but doing it is a much harder thing entirely.

What has that got to do with the op going to counceling with her husband to help her to understand whether or not she can forgive?

This man cheated because he could. And its probably not the first time. He probably chose to travel away from home in the hope he could get away with it. The real issue here is OP doesn't know if this is the first and last time or the 20th time coz hes thousands of miles away. And she doesnt know how long he has been lying to her.

What has this got to do with Op going to counceling to figure out not only if they can continue on in their relationship after much discussion and learning tools to cope should she find she can't forgive?

OP its your life and your choice. You can try counselling if you want to try and save your marriage but if you do go that route, I would advice you to demand he gets a different job closer to home (no more travelling) coz you cant trust him when hes away. Also demand you both get tested for STD's.

You're not the first one to suggest this.

Set your terms and have boundaries in place and if he wont do what it takes to try and save this-then I think you should consider walking away.

Op: I suggest you listen to the advice of your marriage councelor and then decide what you should that will suite YOU best. Whatever that may be.

Im curious-did he suggest counselling as soon as you found out? If yes that makes me think he was prepared for this and thinks he can get away with easily. I personally would be filing for divorce now but its your choice. Just remember there is a saying "fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me

There's that old baggage you carry around with you and your ego speaking for you once again.

Yes, it's up to you Op but do you honestly think you could just walk away without the help that a therapist will give you to cope if you can't find the counceling helping you to forgive? Even if you don't stay together, therapy will give you strength you're going to need to heal from all this.

Good luck.

[Debaser]

I don't know you or your husband, of course, but I don't think you need to assume you did anything wrong. It's possible your husband loves you and cares about you, but gave into a situation that seemed like it would never come back to hurt you.

I'm not saying he's not a lying, cheating dirtbag---because maybe he is. I'm just saying it might be as simple as he was feeling old and this other person made him feel young and desirable, and he gave in to temptation because he was so far away. That doesn't make it ok in any way, but perhaps by nearly losing you he has learned how important you are to him. It's possible that in time this incident becomes ancient history.

For that to happen, though, it's his responsibility to not only make sure it doesn't happen again, but to figure out how to assure you that it isn't happening again. If he can't do that, I would assume it's not over. Whether that means a career change, taking you with him on the trips, or whatever, I don't know. But it's his problem to solve for you, and if he can't do it then I'd be assuming the worst.

**Edit**

Upon re-reading my reply, I'm afraid I'm not accounting for how hurt and disappointed you must feel right now. I'm sure you have a lot of anger and/or sadness to resolve, but I think it's important to take your time and move purposefully and cautiously with regards to a relationship as long as yours. I don't want you to think I'm suggesting you stay with someone who is willing to lie to you and hurt you emotionally. I just want you to know there are different ways this can play out, and they aren't all bad ones.

[michelle23]

What has that got to do with the op going to counceling with her husband to help her to understand whether or not she can forgive?

What has this got to do with Op going to counceling to figure out not only if they can continue on in their relationship after much discussion and learning tools to cope should she find she can't forgive?

You're not the first one to suggest this.

Op: I suggest you listen to the advice of your marriage councelor and then decide what you should that will suite YOU best. Whatever that may be.

There's that old baggage you carry around with you and your ego speaking for you once again.

Yes, it's up to you Op but do you honestly think you could just walk away without the help that a therapist will give you to cope if you can't find the counceling helping you to forgive? Even if you don't stay together, therapy will give you strength you're going to need to heal from all this.

Good luck.

I didn't say counselling is a bad idea. I said that couple you know may "appear" happy but you dont know whats going on within their marriage, their feelings, their mind. Many people live a lie and pretend all is fine to the outside world. Your come back at me was irrelevant to what I was saying.

You are one bitter, defensive bitch wakeup. You need to get a life

[chinagirl]

Oh boy.....

[michelle23]

Needed to be said. Ive ignored the shitty comments for too long. So whatever

[KingZ]

Occurrences of Michelle telling someone to get a life:

https://www.loveforum.net/threads/78611-Casual-Sex-For-Normal-People!!?p=879529#post879529
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/78708-Thinking-the-grass-is-greener?p=880026#post880026
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/83094-Have-you-ever-fantasized-about-someone-else?p=934150#post934150
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/88914-How-do-I-know-I-can-trust-him-now?p=978995#post978995
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/89017-Need-male-perspective?p=979699#post979699
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/86013-Please-rate-my-face-amp-body-out-of-10-)?p=955982#post955982
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/79540-Liar-liar?p=888853#post888853
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/83823-Retrograde-Jealousy?p=934805#post934805
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/89195-My-husband-cheats-when-on-business-trips?p=980980#post980980