Really need advice & help with my relationship situation! :-(

[livelovenow]

Hello people!

I hope you'll bear with me, as this is probably going to be a bit long. :-)

First, i'll introduce myself: i'm a 25-year old guy with social anxiety and general low-self-esteem issues (i've seen several therapists for help). Just to get that out into the light ;-)
Now you might say i sound pathetic, and i'm not going to tell you you're wrong, cause i do feel pathetic in some ways. But i do still have some things going for me: i'm not a loner, or a loser, or anything like that. I've got tons of friends, a good education (civil engineer), i'm an extremely talented guitarplayer and i play in 2 bands (one of which really is going places). I look good, and i'm fit. My only real problem is that my mind is messing with me.

Anyway, heres my story:
3½ years ago, i met a girl, whom i fell in love with. She fell in love with me as well, but neither of us knew, and nothing happened. During the next 3 years, we flirted a lot and dated a little, but nothing serious. Even then, through those 3 years, i dreamt of her being mine one day and even felt like i wanted to spend my life with her (silly, yes, but we just clicked on so many levels).

Then, ½ year ago, in november, i finally decided to do something about it. So i started dating her, and we fell in love again - very intensely (she's told me). In december, we officially became a couple, and everything seemed perfect - we had so many things in common, we could talk endlessly, we had great sex, had much fun and did so many new things together. By the way, she was the first girl in my life that i really fell in love with and also got serious with - every single time before i've been let down.

Perhaps because of my insecurities and self-doubt, i still felt like i had to "perform" every single time i saw her, which ended up with me not really being myself (i kinda "pretended" to be more social, funny, outgoing etc. and thus had a second "persona" when i was with her). I know, it's a great big no-no, but in my mind i finally had the dream girl and i wanted to do everything in my power to keep her. I even saw a psychiatrist to help me because this "act" made me feel bad about myself, and i constantly feared she would dump me.

So, as you might have gathered - i've been extremely dependent on her for confirmation, she's been the only thing in my life the last 6 months that truly mattered to me, and i've placed all my needs on her. In another word, i'm needy and inconfident. And i still am. But, in some regards, i've kept these feelings in check - i'm not the guy that constanly calls her or messages her, and i'm good at giving her space. In other regards however, i'm not as good - or at least not as good as i were in the beginning of our relationship - and that is, when i'm together with her now.

Anyway - the first 5 months of our relationship was really great (except i had to deal with those pesky personal emotional issues). She told me she had never loved anyone as she loved me, that i was her one and only, and she wanted to have kids with me one day. I felt like i had won the lottery, and expected that things would only go uphill from there; that i had finally found the love of my life and that i had nothing to be worried about. It became gradually easier for me to relax, although i still felt the need to be entertaining and give her affection & gifts etc. (which i still know is a bad move, but from my perspective it was natural).

Then, one day (a week after she professed she'd want me to be around forever) she changed... Which is one month ago. She became less interested. She gave less affection, and seemed to generally care less. Not in a radical way, but just in a way that made me feel insecure about myself again, making me doubt she really wanted me. It honestly felt like shit, and i was sure she'd dump me.
I gave her some space, which helped a bit, but things still aren't the same as before. I know people would say that it's natural; an end of the honeymoon phase, where things slow down a bit and you get to the next stage of the relationship.
Problem is, i didn't, and still don't know, how to handle this.

I feel like we've lost a connection between us, and i feel like it's my job to fix this. Or rather, i want to be the center of her universe again, like i was :-) Which is impossible, i know, but i still can't shake the feeling that i have to perform again. I can't relax when i'm with her, i constantly feel like i need to impress her in some way or another. This leads to some kind of performance anxiety where i don't know how to talk with her and i become more needy, which in turn makes me feel like i'm not man enough for her, that i'm too much of a doormat, relying and depending on every word she says. Also, she's started talking about things i hate, like other guys she meets ("Oh man, i just met this funny guy at work yesterday!" etc.), and she seems generally very happy about guys paying attention to her. Not that i think she'd ever be unfaithful, but it just makes me wish i was much more confident and fun and outgoing, like the guys she meets - because in reality, i'm much more introverted, but i don't think she knows this entirely (although she must have some idea).

Recently, it's getting so bad that i'm starting to doubt this relationship myself, since i don't really feel good about it. But on the other hand, i feel like i will never do better and never find anyone i can love as much as i love her. She's so beautiful, she's sweet, she's a little bit "weird" but in a great way, and she tells me she loves me. So i feel lost. I desperately want our relationship to work, but i just feel like we're drifting further and further apart.

In a perfect world, i would be able to relax, and she would love me for who i am, and everything would be good. But alas, things are more like this: I feel bad about myself. I need her to make me feel better, but she's not going out of her way to do so. I can't relax, and i'm afraid that if i **** up or something, she'll lose her love for me and she'll leave me.
So i'm confused, and depressed, and i don't know what to do.

Should i talk to her? Tell her that i don't feel like i can be myself with her, and that i'm afraid to lose her? Should i pretend like nothing is wrong and hope things will improve with time, and that she'll keep loving me?

I hope you can help me. And if there's something crucial you think i've left out, please don't hestitate to ask, i've just got so many thoughts in my head that i'm probably forgetting something.

Thanks so much for reading....
Frederik

[pcmaster]

I think you should definitely talk with her about your feelings and whats bothering you. Relationship are as strong as strong are the communication. Be positive and aim for having a good time with her.