Dilemma

[lost_man]

Michelle is right on every level with her post above ^, she's saved me the trouble of typing a rant!!!

[unclear]

I am not a doormat though I appreciate your advice. At present I am distancing myself a bit. I keep reminding myself that she does not think of me romantically. I am angry as you guessed. It's difficult right now but we'll be starting with a new (cheaper) counselor in August so I hope that proves helpful. Feel free to contribute further ideas if anybody has them.

[lalalita]

I think you need to start looking at things in a more selfish way, much like your wife is. You're continuing to look at "we", while she is just looking at "me". None of this is your fault. She's the one who married you without being romantically in love with you. This is nothing you did wrong or didn't do. I amend you wanting to save your marriage, but you *are* being the doormat here. She is calling the shots and you're compromising to keep her around. I've been there. You need to channel this anger you feel into gaining your power back. Anger is awfully empowering.

[unclear]

Lalalita- you say you've been there... what did you do? How does one channel anger into power without capsizing this very delicately balanced boat? My top priority isn't me or we--it's my kids.

[mylady]

If she was never attracted to you, then HOW did she have sex with you for 12 years before this but NOW she never want to have sex with you again?

So you and her will stay married and never have sex again. WHAT?! Ludicrous. How can she say that she does not want to have sex with you, then tell you she want to stay married but you cant have a mistress.

Not to be rude, but you sound like a nice guy but a pushover. That would not go over well with most guys. I think you're the type of guy who will stay married regardless of the situation.

Another thing, she said she doesnt want to have sex with you but is she still sexually attracted to other people?

[dem862]

Are you certain she isn't having an affair? Healthy people don't just go off sex for no reason. Her lack of any emotional attachment sounds like she has already moved on in her own mind to some other reality.

[woody]

Dear Unclear,

As I read the posts by others and your replies I kept thinking about what your kids are learning from this experience, watching their Mum&Dad in a relationship that seems to have little chemistry. I assure you, kids pick up on these things.
Realizing this may be odd to say, I apologize yet feel compelled none the less to say this; what do you think this teaches your kids for their future relationships? I say this because I was one of those kids and watched the people who helped raise me stay in physically loveless relationship for our sake. Well, it backfired; because all I got from that was that it's normal to settle. Took awhile to learn this wasn't the healthiest.

The sacrifice you are considering (the one year thing) well, in my opinion, no. Not a good idea.
People need to be loved.
What goes on behind bedroom doors stays behind bedroom doors.
But love creates a chemistry that fills the house and is tangible and felt and importantly so. When parents have a good connection in this way, it fills the house with love and all in it are embraced by this almost magical vibe. It is important.

You say your parents divorced and you'd never do that to your kids. But what are they learning here now? That Dad settles?
I don't know.
I just know that for me as a child, knowing they didn't have that connection (so obvious), just made me disappointed in them for staying rather than fighting for their rights to have what others had, what other parents had, that connection.

there's my two cents.
I wish you luck man.
woody=trees.

[unclear]

Wow, Woody, you've got me looking at this from another angle now. Thank you.

As it happens, this week my wife announced that she doesn't want to be married to me any more, but then she back-pedaled and said she doesn't want to get divorced. So naturally it has been a difficult week. Your perspective helps me see that there may be some circumstances where divorce is an OK option, all things considered. I'm still not ready to give up on this marriage, but I am forced to think about the possibility that it's doomed. Plenty of other people have already commented to this effect! I am reluctant to give up, but I may not have a choice.

Anyway thanks to all for your thoughts on this-

-unclear

[woody]

You must do what is right for Your Self and what is right for your children. I feel very assured that while, sure, at first they may be upset, believe you me, they already know Dad's unhappy, Mom's unhappy (at least, in the ways we were speaking about) and after some time has passed, they will be proud of you for standing up for your human right, your divine right to be fulfilled, happy and truly completely loved.
Wishing for you, strength to get through this next stage of time. Remember, this is not a failure, it is the beginning of a triumph.
It will teach your kids allot for their future relationships.

The people that helped raise me eventually and amicably split. It was my proudest moment of them.