Need some serious female advice

[Anon530]

So my situation is I am in love with my best friend and it's killing me. I'm 19 years old but she has been my best friend ever since I can remember. We've also dated when we were younger in about 7th grade. The problem is she has a boyfriend. They fight all the time and she always comes to me for advice. I need to know how to tell her I love her with out freakin her out. She knows I have feelings but not even the half of it. The way I feel about this girl is unexplainable. I recently was in juvenille hall for 8 months and she wrote me the whole time and encouraged me to do better. The only way I can tell how I feel about her is that I would die for this girl. I would marry this girl today and I know I will never get tired of looking at her beautiful face. When I was incarcerated she is all I thought of. And when I got out and she was back with her ex it killed me. And I'm getting the feeling of running away because I can't stand to see her with him but I could never leave her..

[edwardsla]

I think you should just go for it if she really cares she will

[codylf95]

hope things work out

[smackie9]

Sorry totally friend zoned.

[michelle23]

You need to stop wasting your life on this "friend". Tell her how you feel and if shes not interested, you need to cut contact with her. That is the only way to get over someone so then you can move on and find happiness with someone else

[searock]

She already knows that you have feelings for her, so telling her that your feelings are even stronger than she thinks is not going to make your situation any better, it's just going to make it uncomfortable for her and even more painful for you.

You are not "friend zoned", that's a stupid phrase - she simply isn't romantically or physically interested in you. She loves and cares for you as a friend, but she never was interested in you for anything else (while being "friendzoned" would imply that she isn't interested in you because you are her friend, which is absurd).

Anyway, what you should do is stop being her emotional tampon and actually stop seeing her all together. Being around her is only going to make you miserable, even if it's just texts or whatever. Delete her from your life entirely and move on. She doesn't want you the way you want her and this is not friendship. Friends don't have romantic feelings for each other and they don't want to have sex with each other (even if only one-sided), the only exception is when two friends are in a relationship, but it is not your case.

Detach yourself from her, the sooner you do, the sooner you'll move on and be happy again.

[Wakeup]

Not being romantically or sexually interested in you is just a lot of words that describe "friend zone."

Anyway, I think you should stop hanging out with this girl and concentrate on being the best you that you can be by taking course, keeping your nose clean (juvi hall? come on dude) and getting a good job where you'll have less time to think about some chick. (whether you've been friend zoned or not).

Work on you. If you're not always fawning over one another in this pretend platonic thing (platonic on her part anyway) you've been carrying on in for far too long, then you'll probably start to see other girls that are available to be with you in a romantic sense as more attractive. Right now you've closed yourself off to other girls in heart and mind. What a waste of your dating years, son.

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BTW, Op: "Ladder Theory" read about which ladder you've been placed on.

http://www.laddertheory.com/

[searock]

Not being romantically or sexually interested in you is just a lot of words that describe "friend zone."

I disagree: being "put in the friendzone" by someone implies some sort of deliberate decision on their part and it somehow makes it seem like they are doing something wrong to you, like they are deliberately hurting you just because they can.

What actually happens is that they are simply not romantically or sexually interested in you, period, end of. They don't "put you" anywhere, they just aren't into you and there is nothing you can do or could have done to change that. If, after realizing that your crush doesn't reciprocate, you keep hanging out with them, then you have only yourself to blame for your useless pain and heartache.

One of the most absurd misconceptions is that people who are friends with someone will actually never see them as potential romantic/sexual partners because they are their friends. This just doesn't make sense. When someone tells you "I'm sorry, I just see you as a friend", it simply means that sure, they like you, but they aren't romantically or sexually interested in you. It doesn't mean that since they see you as their friend then they aren't into you. Actually it might very well be the other way around.

[Wakeup]

I disagree: being "put in the friendzone" by someone implies some sort of deliberate decision on their part

It's not "deliberate" it's sub-conscious. Why don't you read about the ladder theory?

and it somehow makes it seem like they are doing something wrong to you, like they are deliberately hurting you just because they can.

That would be the case if it was done deliberately.

One of the most absurd misconceptions is that people who are friends with someone will actually never see them as potential romantic/sexual partners because they are their friends.

Well, I certainly don't think that. Emotional affairs that often lead to physical one often start when you're an opposite sex friend but you haven't been "friend zoned."

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Oh.. If you do read the ladder theory link... please take it with a grain of salt when reading the rather sexist darts aimed a women. I don't want to turn this into a feminist debate. If you overlook the obvious then you'll get the gist of how men and women look at opposite sex friendships completely different then men do on a sub-conscious level.

[searock]

I read about the ladder theory before, I just don't agree with it - at least it doesn't work for me, and I don't think I'm that unique in this. There have been guys whom I was initially (even for months) not at all attracted to and that later on I became very attracted to. So it just doesn't work for me. Attraction isn't so simple, this is why I don't agree with black-and-white terminology like "you're in the friendzone". It's just not that simple. It's also not that different for men and women: if there is no attraction on either side, a guy and a girl absolutely can be friends.

I just don't get why we have to say that someone "put you in the friendzone" when what we actually mean is "they don't like you romantically or sexually, but they like you as a friend". It makes it seem as if it's something inherently cruel, while in fact it happens all the time both to males and females, and it's perfectly natural.

[KingZ]

"Friend zone", "negging", "alpha", "beta", "ladder", "shit test", and so on, are all terms that only have one use: making it really easy for people like me to know you're socially retarded.

By all means, keep using them.

[searock]

I just googled "shit test" .

[Wakeup]

You may not have initially been attracted to them but you definitely hadn't put them on the friends ladder yet. You're not understanding the theory as it applies to friend zone.

Men and women think differently. It's not about black and white thinking.

[Wakeup]

Of course people think differently but I don't believe that women vary much from the theory when it comes to attraction and picking a mate.
I'm not talking about any of the other things you've gone on in a tangent about after your first paragraph. We're discussing men who have been placed on the friends ladder where when that happens, its very difficult if not impossible for them to jump from that placement to being a potential sexual partner.

There's many men that post here that have been friend zoned and it's obvious that there will never be anything forming in the romantic/sexual sense at a later date.

Sea doesn't believe that the "friend zone" exists when we've seen countless forums indicating that it sure does. That's what I've been discussing with Sea.

[searock]

You may not have initially been attracted to them but you definitely hadn't put them on the friends ladder yet. You're not understanding the theory as it applies to friend zone.

Hah I had definitely "put him on the friends ladder", if by that you mean that I only saw him as a friend, I would have never imagined finding him attractive and I actually thought "thanks god he has a girlfriend that he loves, so he will never make it awkward by developing a stupid crush on me or something that would ruin our amazing friendship".

But of course according to me there are no "ladders", so I would never use that phrase to describe what happened.

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There's many men that post here that have been friend zoned and it's obvious that there will never be anything forming in the romantic/sexual sense at a later date.

Yes, because the women they're interested in are not attracted to them and they never will be. Not because they have "put them" in some imaginary "zone".