In Limbo

[lildee]

I'm in my 40s'; not sure what the age group here is. Anyway, I have been dating someone for 2.5 years. He lives over an hour away from me, and when I first met him, he said he was going to be moving to a city which is about a 1/2 an hour from me, so I was excited. I thought it would be hard to find the time to get together, and build a relationship, b/c of that distance, and it has been. After a year and one-half together, he still hadn't moved, and I was concerned. Whenever I asked him about it, he became defensive. Still, he expressed that he was unhappy with where he was living. (Another interesting fact about him is that it takes him a long time to make decisions. When I met him, he was planning to buy a different car -- that took 2.5 years).

Around the time that I was thinking of having a serious discussion with him about the distance issue, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. So, I put my issue on the back burner and tried my best to support him during this last year or so. He is still recovering from The surgery made some things worse, and he is still recovering, but he is finally seeing some progress. Not being able to keep things to myself any longer, I told him how disappointed and confused I was about him not moving closer, and that I needed a break to sort things out. During this discussion he told me some things that he didn't share with me before: that he wasn't sure about moving to that city; that he wanted his next place to be a "forever home," and some other things.

I miss him, and have strong feelings for him, and probably love him. We share similar personalities and have fun together. However, I am deeply concerned about the above, and there are ways in which we really differ, especially in how we cope with things and solve problems.

I don't like ultimatums and I can't control what he does. So, the way I see it I have a few options: 1) do nothing, and see what happens; 2) break up with him. Neither of these feels good or right. Any insights would be appreciated. Thanks!

[edwardsla]

I honestly think you two are meant to be. If there are no red flags dont assume just go with your heart

[lildee]

Well, the red flag to me is him saying he's going to do something that is important to me, and then not doing it.

[edwardsla]

I understand, I've been in your shoes and have you talked to him about it? and when you do, dont let him getting upset get in the way of you getting an answer from him. if you need someone to talk to im here hope everything works out

[codylf95]

Do want you want

[smackie9]

The thing about relationships is there has to be compromise. Yes promises are made but never feel you are entitled. Things change, priorities change, goals change. You need to adjust and find a compromise that you both can live with. So why not the both of you find a new city to move to. All along you expected him to move, well why don't you if you care for him that much. Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice or two, just the way it is. Then suggest couples counseling to address the communication issues...but this is advice if you decide to stay.

As for ending it, you just pointed out somethings about him that you know will have a huge affect on your relationship down the road, may not be repairable with counseling. You are seeing incompatibility, and I agree compatibility is crucial for a relationship to last for the long haul. You can't survive on love alone.