Advice and opinions required: FWB heartache

[urbandecay]

Okay so I'm writing this as an update to my previous thread as an update...

Basically the guy (Mr A) I was seeing for a little while broke up with me. At the time I really felt a connection with him and the break up was one of the hardest I have ever experienced. We decided to stay friends and communicated in a purely friendly capacity until he found out I was dating another guy. At this stage he suggested that we become friends with benefits. I toyed with the idea and as my new relationship wasn't going anywhere, I broke up with him and we started FWB with MR A.

We have been FWB for the past month. However it isn't a case of turning up, having sex and going. We have been treating each other like a couple would. Better than before and more flirty and honest than ever.

The unfortunate enviable has occurred however and I have now fallen in love with Mr A. I have never felt this way about another guy. He is all I think of, I get anxious when I'm not with him and I have the highest highs when I speak to him and when I am with him. He's like an addiction... I want nobody but him. I cry thinking about it. Today we were together, I approached the issue. I said that he is all that I think about and I was being to really like him (I avoided using love him afraid of scaring him off) him. I therefore told him that I needed time to think the fwb situation over, as I don't want to continue with it and get hurt when he calls it a day. As I won't be able to stay friends if I fall anymore. However the problem is I can't stay friends with him anyway as I genuinely love him and I would continue with the feb situation to have a relationship with him, regardless of how superficial it is. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship yet and that the decision about what we do and the capacity of how we continue...

I now need advice on how to continue. Do I tell him how badly I have it for him. If it's destined to fail... Should it not be due to me being honest with him. Overall I want a relationship with him. I'm a determined person and I know I won't give up on him. But I just need people who have experience in this area/ past fwb relationships and impartial help on this.

Thank you x

[bessieb]

Has he ever given you a reason for not wanting a relationship with you, do you know anything about his past relationships or if he has a girlfriend now?

I've been in your situation and it sucks!!

[urbandecay]

Thanks for replying.

He told me today that he isn't ready for a relationship. However this was us talking in general terms as I was testing the water and asked him if he had any dates this week. He answered no. I know with 100% certainty he is not seeing, dating or sleeping with anyone except me.

His past girlfriends have been completely different from me. He described them today as crazy and weird girls, which he said I am not and that's why he likes me: and I quote:"as I'm a normal girl, who isn't crazy, who has class about her".

His previous girls have been completely different to me. I'm in a highly professional medical career, and have a lot going for me in comparison to them (without sounding like an arrogant snob), I know I'm not his usual type when you compare me to them...

I just really don't know if I continue with this, and get walked over or tell him how I feel and potentially lose him forever x

[bessieb]

If it was me I would say stick with it but have a time in your head that you will stick to if things don't improve. Some guys are slow on the uptake, I have been with my guy for 2 yrs now and for the first year, he told me he would never marry or live with someone and that he didn't want children. All the things I've ever wanted, I could have walked away and very nearly did on a few occasions, but I didn't and guess what, now he wants to marry me and have children, he tells me daily that he loves me and he shows it all the time.

I know others will tell you to walk away but I would say stick around for a bit longer ��

[urbandecay]

It's been 4 and a half months of being involved with each other in a romantic/dating and now fwb way. I just don't understand how he can have no feelings towards me/ just feelings to be friends. Especially when I would do anything for this guy having fallen for him

[bessieb]

He must have some sort of feelings for you as he keeps coming back, I know it's hard and sometimes it seems too hard and you wonder why you bother. Have you tried making yourself a little less available?

[urbandecay]

This is the thing, I think he must feel something towards me... Why else would he be with me? I have tried so many times to seem non committal. I try not to see him more than two days a week, and because I'm falling in love I tried to distance myself to the point where today was the first time in two weeks. I also try not to text him too much now, however if I ignore him, he gets really moody and upset at me.

I just feel like I'm in limbo. Honesty might make a fool out of me and destroy my relationship with him. But at the same time if there is a chance I could say when you are ready for a relationship would you consider me? I so would love to ask.

[pcmaster]

Dont ask t his question. You will just make yourself low value. Ofcourse he will consider you. Like bessieb said she had to stick around for a year until guy wanted relationship. I think thats because for a guy feelings developed slower. This might be your case too. Running away from guy would be stupid since you enjoy time together. Just dont dream about him. Be cool, colder but dont run away.
This video will help you since you said you want nobody but him.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for replying.

He told me today that he isn't ready for a relationship. However this was us talking in general terms as I was testing the water and asked him if he had any dates this week. He answered no. I know with 100% certainty he is not seeing, dating or sleeping with anyone except me.

His past girlfriends have been completely different from me. He described them today as crazy and weird girls, which he said I am not and that's why he likes me: and I quote:"as I'm a normal girl, who isn't crazy, who has class about her".

His previous girls have been completely different to me. I'm in a highly professional medical career, and have a lot going for me in comparison to them (without sounding like an arrogant snob), I know I'm not his usual type when you compare me to them...

I just really don't know if I continue with this, and get walked over or tell him how I feel and potentially lose him forever x

Look at what you wrote!

He wanted and was in a relationship with weird and crazy girls but you, who he says is not weird and crazy he only wants to fvck. That's awful.

Realize so that you don't whittle away your self-esteem one screw at a time that YOU can't have a fk buddy/fwb situation with someone that you want more with.

You should tell him what you want, but first you have to actually know what you want, so don't think of the lust you have for him as love (because its not) and if he won't give you that, then go zero contact so you can rehab from him. Just what do you know of this man" Just what has he shown you in actions (sex isn't an action word of love if that's all you're getting from hm) that would indicate to you that you should be in love with him? Lust isn't love.

I think he must feel something towards me... Why else would he be with me?

Sure thing sexual action would be my guess.

[Smila]

He maybe likes you, he maybe not...no one knows....
But let me tell you a thing about guys...

A guy knows when he has got his fangs into a girl....he knows he is your OPIUM...and you cannot get enough of him

There are two ways this soap opera can play out:

1) You say fvck it and go for the ride-you continue seeing him (satisfy his sexual desires at both your whims) and hope that he changes....There is a possibility that when he has had his fill with you, he finds someone else and settles down. (and by the way, his coaxing you ego about your being "normal and different from his other girlfriends" does not mean sh*t; all it means is you are an attractive stripe on his rank of previous conquests). or as someone said, he may decide to settle with you after a while.

2) You start to dig yourself out of this hole you have dug for your self - Its difficult and i know...i know..the thought is downright scary. But the earlier you start, the better. Trust me, we all have been in your position before. You said when you stay away, he gets moody and upset at you (That is a sign of a guy that always wants his candy and when he does not get it, he throws a tantrum but cannot take the steps to make it his).
Simple, ignore / stay away from him and when he acts moody, explain why you are staying away - that you want more than FWB. Initially he may get more upset and ignore you (Stand your ground! it would be unbearable but this is a cross you must carry), THIS IS WHEN YOU WILL KNOW IF HE TRULY CARES FOR YOU - after a while, (if he realizes he cannot loose you) he will return and try to make it official. But if he does not come back, then he was never yours to begin with. Its better you face reality sooner than later.

The choice is yours

I say it as it is because, in matters of the heart-though painful..the only way to help your self is to sear the wound and let it heal, else....infection and permanent damage.

[basilandthyme]

I'm a determined person and I know I won't give up on him.

Do you realise that by being determined and not giving up on him, you're completely disrespecting his thoughts. He's told you how he feels; now you have every right to not like how he feels, but refusing to accept his feelings on the matter makes you sound more than a little unstable/irrational.

[urbandecay]

Thank you everyone for your help.

I think I need to tell him how I feel. Ultimately if he walks then it shows he was using me. It will also be protective for me as I won't have to continue with the charade and wait for the day he ends it. It's scary the thought of losing him. This isn't lust. I have lust over many guys but I have never felt LOVE like this. I have never been in the position were I could confess to a guy I Love him.

As I said, I can't just be friends with him. If the FWB situation ends I know 100% I won't be able to stay in contact with him in any capacity as it will crush me. Therefore I feel like I need to take control. Worst case scenario he says no to me and I start the grieving process early (which might be easier than living a fantasy for however long) or he says yes.

I don't want to walk away from him. He's the first guy I've fallen for. He makes me ridiculously happy. But I'm not happy with the current situation. Obviously if he doesn't want more I will graciously accept it. I'm not a crazy bunny boiler. His happiness is paramount to me also. X

[basilandthyme]

Ultimately if he walks then it shows he was using me.

Well yes, of course he's using you. A FWB arrangement IS the mutual agreement to use each other for sex. He used you, you used him...but unfortunately, you fell in love with him. If you don't want to be used, don't give permission for it to happen in the first place.

Anyway, glad to hear you're not a bunny boiler. Good luck.

[Valixy]

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Good luck.

[Wakeup]

I think I need to tell him how I feel. Ultimately if he walks then it shows he was using me.

NO, he has not been using you. When he told you he didn't want a relationship with you and you went ahead and fkd him anyway... you volunteered for this set-up. That's hardly using you.

If he lied to you and told you he wanted a relationship with you made you believe you were the only one, or he was married and told you he was single, then he'd be using you. He's been totally honest and after he told you that he did not want a relationship with you, you should have distanced yourself totally from him.

Stop with the victim mentality or you will suffer from this self-esteem reducing situation you've put yourself in for a long, long time. You have to take responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming him for you lusting after him and calling it "love." That is how you will regain your self-worth by owning up to your own culpability should he once again tell you that he does not want a relationship with him.

If he does tell you he doesn't (once again) want anything of substance with you and you continue on fking him in this non-committed way, you don't love yourself very much if you'd do that knowing how his cumming and going makes you feel and if that's the case, you'll never find someone who wants a reciprocal relationship with you. You have to love yourself before anyone else will love you.

and don't cling to the notion that you love him. You don't know him enough to know if you love him or not. Currently you're in lust and that will all go away when you distance yourself from him and take responsibility for what you settled for.


BTW: Is this the same guy you were talking about here:

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/88892-Advice-needed-Does-he-want-me-back-or-am-I-being-used

If it is, I told you this:

You are being played and honed to be his **** buddy. If you are so desperate for this boys attention that you allow him to treat you like a second thought then just bite the bullet and ask him to come and do you and drop the bullshit.

and this:

If you were confident and had good self-esteem, you'd just tell him "leave me alone" because you'd realize that you don't need some Enrique Suave playing you like you were a violin.

If it isn't him then you don't learn lessons very well. Stop settling. You do yourself NO good.

This is what you said in that thread:

Okay: that both stings but brings absolute clarity to the situation. I am not naive or desperate. As I said I have started a new relationship. I definetely do not want to have a relationship with him based on sex alone.

okay time to kick this guy to the curb!

What happened? Why didn't you learn the lesson?