That 7 Year Itch?

[Jon5465]

Hi All,

I tried to post this the other day but lost all my text just before I submitted... so will keep this brief as possible for your sanity and mine.

I am in the process of breaking up with my live in girlfriend of 7 years. On a nearly day by day basis I am changing my mind as to whether I am doing the right thing...

We have an extremely insular relationship... as in we have managed to isolate ourselves from all of our friends over the years and now pretty much only have each other. I personally feel this is what has suffocated us.

My GF has huge jealousy issues and attachment problems. To be fair I have somewhat catered to these issues as well as it was easier than creating problems by challenging them.

We never socialise with other people and spend nearly 99% of our time with each other (we even call each other at lunchtime everyday when we are at work for example... I know, I know)

Also she is 7 years older than me ( i am 27) and is approaching that time of her life where she want's to have a family... something I have been up for up until late. I am now reconsidering but am also wondering whether I am thinking straight.

About 6 months ago I had a serious discussion with my GF and explained it wasn't healthy for us to almost entirely socially isolate ourselves. I then made more of an effort to go out with my work colleagues (by going to the pub on a Friday after work etc..) & suggested to her that perhaps she should do the same with her colleagues.

Her response to this was that I was trying to push her away & the natural progression of things was that I wanted to find somebody else & end the relationship, which at the time I did not want.

Roll on 6 months of almost near weekly arguments and I am a broken man.

Like all people we have had a rough relationship... & we have always had each other for support. We've had our fair share of 'family breakdowns', redundancies etc & I do feel that these events have taken their toll on our 7 year relationship. I supported her through 3 years of being out of work and she supposed me through a serious bout of depression, which is now unfortunately returning. However I feel that I no longer have the energy to fight and keep this boat afloat any more whereas before I never thought about giving up.

I know that she is fragile and has nobody to support her other than myself. She emigrated to this country about 10 years ago so her network of friend & family from before are a long way away. She has also said she would end her life if I chose to end the relationship as she has nothing else to live for... and she has a history of self harm.

I suppose what I'm asking is is 7 years too long to end a relationship... or am I just having the notorious 7 year itch? My mind is changing like the wind at the moment, I just feel very lost and would appreciate some feedback from those of you who have experienced something similar or who just want to give some advise.

Thank you if you have made it this far... and cheers for any thoughts.

[Wakeup]

Just leave her. What difference does it make if any of us have been through this same sort of thing? You're not happy and she's a nut case who manipulates you into staying in the hell you call a relationship by threatening HERSELF by saying she'll kill her and subsequently the demon that rules her.

After you leave her, what she does is not your responsibility. Once you make up your mind to leave, call a mental health hot line and tell them that you believe that she truly will harm herself... that way (if its anything like it is here) they can set her up in a locked down psychiatric facility for observation. If she appears to be serious then they can legally keep her for up to 30 days.

Google codependent relationship and read about what you're in.

[Lord Darkshire]

No not all people have a rough relationship, only the ones that end. and no you shouldn't be asking yourself if 7 years is too long to end a repationship, you should be asking yourself how many more years are you going to put up with this dead end relationship.

I have ended a 6 years realtionship and it was the best thing I did. You don't know how bad it truly was until you have had some time out of it.

[Jon5465]

Thank you so much for the link re 'codependent relationship'. Will be doing some serious reading tonight.

[Lord Darkshire]

You can also notify her family and put the responsability on to them.

[smackie9]

lol I like how he says "like all people we had a rough relationship" how frickin sad is that....he has never known what it's like to be blissfully happy with someone.

[Jon5465]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I have known how it feels to be truly happy with someone, however I feel that we have not helped each other and my thoughts are do I fight to get back to what we once had or do I cut my losses and leave.

Can people change or is that just idealistic / wishful thinking?

[basilandthyme]

yes, people can change. Truth is we are all in a constant state of change through our entire lives as we grow, learn and have different life experiences. But we can change with or without our partner. In a relationship, we may grow closer or we may grow apart. We learn what we want in life and get the courage to seek it. And of course, there's the will to change and whether or not we want to.

In your case, you're suggesting changes to your girlfriend which she's rejecting. This means she's not willing to change. It would be a very different scenario if she agreed that she has issues and sought counselling to address those problems.

For what it's worth, I agree that she's manipulating you with these threats of suicide. But even if she's serious, it's one hell of a red flag in favour of leaving! And no, I'm not talking out my arse here - my ex-h attempted suicide after I left. But I recognise that he ignored all the warnings I gave about being unhappy, therefore it was his fault that he was in the situation. Had he chosen to recognise that I was on my way out, he could have a) made some changes to keep me or b) make the choice to end it and put some plans in place for himself

Edited to add: I agree with the others that a 'rough relationship' is not something to expect. A few hiccups, sure, but not having a hard time

[Jon5465]

Just explained everything to her parents, feel bad as they live abroad and are somewhat out of reach. They firstly blamed me for not giving it a chance and then secondly told me I am her only support.

I am going to fully lay the cards on the table tonight and explain it's just not working between us and we cannot keep destroying each other. She needs a chance to properly evaluate herself which she has refused to do whilst we are together and I need a chance to pick myself up and rebuild myself. Going to be tough for both of us without a network or friends for support but it's the only way.

This is difficult... It's so easy to just ignore the situation and blindly hope for the best.

Thank you everyone for the comments.

[smackie9]

That is a red flag "They firstly blamed me for not giving it a chance and then secondly told me I am her only support".

This is them dumping the responsability onto you, because they know how mentally fragile she is and always has been. Her parents are assholes. It's no wonder she is so clingy, because she never got any support from them growing up.

[HeartIsAching]

Just explained everything to her parents, feel bad as they live abroad and are somewhat out of reach. They firstly blamed me for not giving it a chance and then secondly told me I am her only support.

Ok... so they're emotionally abusive and manipulative too... So what? You think she learned it in a vacuum?