New/1st post. NEED SRS HELP! Mid-20s male in 6yr LTR crisis situation. cliffs

[BrokenMan928]

Hi, this is my first time posting here. I found this site in hopes of getting some advice/help in dealing with an extremely painful long-term relationship situation.

I am in a 6yr relationship with a girl who I’ve only had ever had sex with.

Before we met when I was 18 or while we were separated over 2 different occasions: I had dated, made out, and to my biggest regret unzipped my jeans and let another girl who was grinding against me at a concert reach inside and grab/try to get me to go. I stopped her after less than a minute or so because it was painful and I knew it was wrong. I left without us saying a word to each other....Despite all this, I had never had actual penis-vagina, oral, or any other type of sex with anyone other than my high school sweetheart who I've since reunited with.

So very long story short, when we first decided that we wanted to go all the way together when I was 19 and she 18, I asked if she was a virgin like me to which she said “Yes.”. Later I found out from her that she was not and had been raped at the age of 15 by an 18 yo who snuck into her parents house repeatedly over a few month period…."Rape" being the case as she resisted him at least the first time and because of the age difference.

We seemed to get past that and my downfall of letting another girl into my pants with her hand during our 5-month breakup…

Years later in our early twenties we broke up again, this time for over a year, but she contacted me and we got back together.

She demanded honesty upfront to be the main characteristic if we were going to be successful on this final attempt. So when the time quickly arrived where we were becoming intimate again, (we had made love frequently for years before separating) I asked her if during our time apart if she had still only been with me like I had only still been with her, to which she said “Yes.” and I was initially ecstatic!

However, I soon started to get a gut-feeling otherwise and began questioning the truth from her...She comes to a guilty admission in an e-mail to me that she had slept with another guy while we were apart. "One night thing, never spoke to or saw him again."

I interrogated her about what and how this had happened since she lied about it, even after stating from the beginning that honesty was going to be #1 in our relationship and still wasn’t upfront with me...much less over an act she knew I held sacred.

So from brutal interrogation (nonstop questioning of every detail time and again over the last 6 months)...It seems to me that a “typical guy” took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable girl. That is was consensual because she didn't say "No." and she didn't physically resist...even though she was in a despondent state during the actually intercourse.

Going on 6 months later I still have not found a healthy way to cope and am still questioning everything that happened. I had a mental breakdown that caused her to miss 2 important events related to college graduation and then drank myself to near death on 24oz of straight vodka in as many minutes....Now needless to say, I am sabotaging/ruining our relationship because I don’t know if I can forgive or accept what happened and how she hid it from me, despite her wanting to not hurt me with the truth and that she herself had been trying to forget the experience.

I don’t know if I would be able to forgive/accept myself if I gave up on someone who was allegedly raped first by one guy, and then sexually mistreated by a 2nd. How can I have a healthy relationship with my one and only again?

Now before you say "Give up, you're no good for each other"...We both seem to agree that unless one of us has cheated, hurt the other purposefully, or caused a grave crime upon the earth, than we can work through just about anything.

I just don't know if we can get past this though. We're seeing a counselor this week and to make matters more complicated, I have booked a trip to the Caribbean for us for her graduation and already paid for everything.

Thank you so much to whoever reads this and know that your sincere advice will be greatly appreciative.

No cliché responses please, that is more hurtful than helpful.

Please remember I have not had sex with anyone else and I'm not religious. I can't tell you how traumatic and painful this has been for the both of us.

cliffs
-mid 20s male reunited with hs sweetheart
-found out from her she was raped before we met in hs
-she found out from me during our first breakup that I let another girl grab under my jeans
-I've only had sex with her
-I recently found out in a guilty admission she had consensual? sex with another during our 2nd breakup
-can't forgive/accept/cope right now and our relationship is dying
-we had committed ourselves to fight through anything that wasn't a)cheating b)intent to hurt c)crime upon life

[basilandthyme]

I think the problem here is that you're both limited in life experience. Where you went wrong was in asking her if she slept with someone else while you were apart. She went wrong by not telling you that it was none of your business.

She did nothing wrong by sleeping with someone else while you were broken up. You did nothing wrong by having fooled around with another girl while broken up. The bit that you've done wrong is hound her for details.

There is also the issue of her lack of boundaries. You may be right in that this guy pressured her into sex. But your "nonstop questioning of every detail time and again over the last 6 months" is WORSE. This is supposedly the girl you love and you're putting all your angst on her. She did nothing wrong but your interrogation of her is verging on the abusive. Make no mistake, a girl with good self worth would have told you to go F yourself had you tried this on her.

If you cannot come to terms with the fact she did nothing wrong, you need to end things with her. And don't go blaming her actions for a breakup....the only thing she's done wrong is tolerate your behaviour.

[Valixy]

It couldn't be easy for her to confess that she was taken advantage of when she was 15 and if you separate of someone for a year, you should expect that your ex could meet someone during that time. She still loved you though, that's why she looked for you and reiniciated the relationship.

Relationships are never perfect and you need to act mature if you want things to work with her or anyone else. You're 25 now and chances are that if you break up with her and look for someone else, she'll also have a sexual past that she'll want to share with you or not. The answer isn't in stressing over something like this to the point of having a nervous breakdown or an ethilic coma, but understanding that some ideals that we formed about how our relationships should be like, simply don't reflect the reality of our lives and never will. Many become sexually active before they're 18 nowadays, date and experiment and later on when they find someone they really love they enjoy a serious relationship, it's the normal thing.

Hopefully you'll be able to detach a bit and work on changing your perspective about you partner having had sexual partners before meeting you or while you were separated. You either acquire more realistic and balanced concepts through this relationship, or you'll have to do it through your future ones.

[BrokenMan928]

I think the problem here is that you're both limited in life experience. Where you went wrong was in asking her if she slept with someone else while you were apart. She went wrong by not telling you that it was none of your business.

She did nothing wrong by sleeping with someone else while you were broken up. You did nothing wrong by having fooled around with another girl while broken up. The bit that you've done wrong is hound her for details.

There is also the issue of her lack of boundaries. You may be right in that this guy pressured her into sex. But your "nonstop questioning of every detail time and again over the last 6 months" is WORSE. This is supposedly the girl you love and you're putting all your angst on her. She did nothing wrong but your interrogation of her is verging on the abusive. Make no mistake, a girl with good self worth would have told you to go F yourself had you tried this on her.

If you cannot come to terms with the fact she did nothing wrong, you need to end things with her. And don't go blaming her actions for a breakup....the only thing she's done wrong is tolerate your behaviour.

"none of my business"?

I agree that the interrogation is on the verge of abusive...but everything else you said is extremely irrelevant as you do not acknowledge that I had saved sex for one person and that person is her while she had not and actually even lied about when she demanded honesty upfront before we even got back together.

You didn't read this post carefully, and if you have nothing positively insightful to contribute other than bash me and take sides with her than please go.

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Thank you Valixy.

I knew she would have met some people and of course dated in the course of over a year.

Like I said, understanding what happened when she was 15 was not a major issue. She was raped for crying out loud.

It's lying to be about not having been with anyone else when I asked her earnestly before we became intimate again that kills me...and the fact that she granted that access to another guy on a 2nd date when she and I had been hs sweethearts and I told her that we should wait for at least a year to do that.

Your post is beyond appreciated and I can feel the care you put into forming it. I will review it frequently in the next few days. Thank you so much.

[Wakeup]

Thank you so much to whoever reads this and know that your sincere advice will be greatly appreciative.

Sure it will, sport. Sure it will.

Please remember I have not had sex with anyone else and I'm not religious. I can't tell you how traumatic and painful this has been for the both of us.

Well, it wasn't painful for her until you made it so.

[surfhb]

Valixy is being very nice to you....I agree with her and I'll pretty much sum up what she's saying in my own words:

Grow the fvck up you half witted, drama queen d bag! She's probably embarrassed with what happened and it's none of your fvcking business anyway. Now between mental break downs and vodka binges maybe you can muster the sense to realize this girl just may like you a lot. Grows some balls and be aware that no one is perfect you asshole!

Jesus fvcking Christ !

[Wakeup]

... lmao ...

[surfhb]

... lmao ...

Hahaha. Yep!!

[basilandthyme]

you do not acknowledge that I had saved sex for one person

I didn't acknowledge it because you didn't write it. But now that I know, I will say that it's your prerogative to make this decision for yourself. Your girlfriend has made a different choice and this is her prerogative. It's wrong of you to criticise her for her choice.

and actually even lied about when she demanded honesty upfront before we even got back together.

.

Could it be that she wanted honesty within the relationship? I can't see that honesty about what you did when apart has any relevance.

It's lying to be about not having been with anyone else when I asked her earnestly before we became intimate again that kills me...and the fact that she granted that access to another guy on a 2nd date when she and I had been hs sweethearts and I told her that we should wait for at least a year to do that.

Well, earnest or not, you shouldn't have asked the question. As for her doing it on the second date, why shouldn't she do that if she wants to? Just because you made her wait a year does not mean she has to wait a year for all future sexual encounters.

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Are you really sure that you need couples counselling? Given that she can't change the past, I would have thought that individual counselling for you would be more appropriate.

[calvin_lost]

If you have time.. you may read my story too... as i found that we feel the same traumatic situation .

Bro... virgin is not a important to judge a man or women... For my personal opinion.. I do really hope my loves one is virgin and sex with only me for entire of life.
But how far could you find ones that suit ? There is huge rarity women still virgin and never had sex before even at age of 18.

If you love her... there is nothing to care about that...for the 1st time she was rape... You should try to understand her. No one hopes to be rape with someone out from her loves one or she wish to.
Of cause such embarrassing case, i dont feel wrong if she lied to you and she dont wants you to know about the matter.. About sexually mistreated by a 2nd after both you 2 was separated and she lied you...

Maybe .. most girls doesnt admit that they were bonk with other man. You must know girls are easier influence by man.. She did sex before and do you think she could resist another man approached in the occasion ? Maybe she were lied or too silly to sex with another one.. but all these is up to you..

I found it hard when my ears listening to my love one moan on the bed with other... i feels like im going to killing someone when i see my loves one was on towel with another man.. But yet... i still forgive her pamper her love her all the way and wish so badly we could start out new relation.. but the funny thing is she dont really hopes to be with me.. I dont mean im perfect.. just to share my personal opinion with you.. that if u love her alot... you should giving yourself or her a chance..

[pinkberry]

The first words that come to mind are "what the F***?" You seem to be very insecure and immature for someone in their mid 20s. Clearly you lack experience with females and don't understand how to properly treat a woman. I read this post to my boyfriend and he said you are an idiot and you don't deserve a relationship. Why you post all these details then get upset people don't agree with you is ridiculous. If you ask for opinions you better be ready to hear that you are In the wrong, which is clearly the case here. You blow every situation out of proportion and make it about you instead of her- once again you have no idea how to treat a woman.
Her sexual history while you were apart is NONE of you business and if you can't find a way to cope with it that is YOUR problem, not hers. You claim it is on the verge of abusive that you constantly question her about it, how the hell does that help...IT DOESN"T! To summarize you are an immature, crazy, narcissist who doesn't deserve a woman in your life and if I were her I would dump your a$$. Your welcome

[michelle23]

Your creating problems here. You were apart for a whole year. This should be a fresh start for you both to make a real go at a healthy relationship-not staying stuck in the past torturing each other.

You love each other-you trust each other assumably so what is the problem?? If you keep holding this against her you will push her away.

[BrokenMan928]

Why is it so hard for anyone to catch the part where she demanded honesty upfront but did not give it herself?

Also, I am obviously in the minority on this opinion, but I believe that you have a right to know your partner's sexual history if you are entrusting them with your body. I understand some people are ok with hooking up and though I disagree with that lifestyle, you're free to as long as you're not harming anybody. Please respect that some people save sex and they have a right to expect the same standard of their partner.

I believe that if she had told me upfront and not let me fall heavily back in love under a falsehood that while we were apart she waited for someone like I, then there wouldn't be such mistrust and questioning...But wait, this is where the buck stops. I am taking responsibility of an emotionally abusive behavior with interrogating her relentlessly because there is no excuse for any kind of abuse. I believe that more so.

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Sure it will, sport. Sure it will.

Well, it wasn't painful for her until you made it so.

"Sincere" advice....

And yes, according to her this was painful as the ONS was not in tune with her character...Then she felt pain in being dishonest about what happened knowing what sex meant to me and that I only wanted to give it to someone who also didn't give it away freely.

I made matters much worse by causing her more pain with my questioning of what really happened and how because after 2 major lies I didn't know what to believe anymore.

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Well, earnest or not, you shouldn't have asked the question. As for her doing it on the second date, why shouldn't she do that if she wants to? Just because you made her wait a year does not mean she has to wait a year for all future sexual encounters.

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Are you really sure that you need couples counselling? Given that she can't change the past, I would have thought that individual counselling for you would be more appropriate.

Shouldn't have asked the question? Man, I guess people who didn't save for sex can relate to this at all.

This is a VITAL question to be asked. Knowing how a potential partner values (or devalues) sex is a core value in a relationship.

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The first words that come to mind are "what the F***?" You seem to be very insecure and immature for someone in their mid 20s. Clearly you lack experience with females and don't understand how to properly treat a woman. I read this post to my boyfriend and he said you are an idiot and you don't deserve a relationship. Why you post all these details then get upset people don't agree with you is ridiculous. If you ask for opinions you better be ready to hear that you are In the wrong, which is clearly the case here. You blow every situation out of proportion and make it about you instead of her- once again you have no idea how to treat a woman.
Her sexual history while you were apart is NONE of you business and if you can't find a way to cope with it that is YOUR problem, not hers. You claim it is on the verge of abusive that you constantly question her about it, how the hell does that help...IT DOESN"T! To summarize you are an immature, crazy, narcissist who doesn't deserve a woman in your life and if I were her I would dump your a$$. Your welcome

Very cute. The fact that you are posting about right/wrong when I am coming here searching for a resolution is a reflection upon your own lack of situational awareness and immaturity.

I believe sex is something to be saved for the person you plan on spending your life with. So I've only been with her. Yes I lack experience there.

I am frustrated that people don't read for the full context and quickly hop a fence to one side when I'm posting here for the purpose of finding a healthy resolution, not to be e-bashed.

What situation have I blown out of proportion? That a degree of sexuality which I hold sacred was violated with dishonesty?

And like I've said, I believe that sexual history is important to share given the implications it holds with health spiritually, physically, and hopefully emotionally. Guess I'm just of one on this forum.

[surfhb]

Guess I'm just of one on this forum.

Oh no.....as in life, there are plenty of dickheads like yourself who spew clueless drivel.....you just happened to post it on this forum. You recieved the advice you came searching for and didn't like that you've been exposed as a narcissistic asshole....sorry about that. Go have another vodka shooter!

Btw....you admit you're running this relationship into the ground. Why do you think that is? Hmmm? Next time you tell us that you would appreciate sincere advice ( your words).... Fvcking mean it pal !

[BrokenMan928]

Oh no.....as in life, there are plenty of dickheads like yourself who spew clueless drivel.....you just happened to post it on this forum. You recieved the advice you came searching for and didn't like that you've been exposed as a narcissistic asshole....sorry about that. Go have another vodka shooter!

Btw....you admit you're running this relationship into the ground. Why do you think that is? Hmmm? Next time you tell us that you would appreciate sincere advice ( your words).... Fvcking mean it pal !

At no point in time did you give sincere advice...You made sure to try and make a person who came here for positive resolution and ways to make a positive change for 2 people feel even lower than they already do though. Cool, congrats on being an e-bully!

You can cast your judgment on a random internet user, but how much better do you feel about yourself? Honestly. Do you see a spotless reflection of a person when you look in the mirror? Have you never greatly wronged anybody in your time here on earth?

And don't assume that any relationship involving any form of mistreatment is a one-sided affair. I take responsibility for my side and the damage I've done, and that's what I'm posting about. So to be fair, maybe you think I'm just the bad guy in the mix...I'm not here to bash my gf. I am here looking to make a positive change and so far, I believe only 3 of the replies didn't focus on judgment but rather on how to bring love back.

Thanks to those who posted sincere advice trying to help me resolve my problems.