Hi, this is my first time posting here. I found this site in hopes of getting some advice/help in dealing with an extremely painful long-term relationship situation.
I am in a 6yr relationship with a girl who I’ve only had ever had sex with.
Before we met when I was 18 or while we were separated over 2 different occasions: I had dated, made out, and to my biggest regret unzipped my jeans and let another girl who was grinding against me at a concert reach inside and grab/try to get me to go. I stopped her after less than a minute or so because it was painful and I knew it was wrong. I left without us saying a word to each other....Despite all this, I had never had actual penis-vagina, oral, or any other type of sex with anyone other than my high school sweetheart who I've since reunited with.
So very long story short, when we first decided that we wanted to go all the way together when I was 19 and she 18, I asked if she was a virgin like me to which she said “Yes.”. Later I found out from her that she was not and had been raped at the age of 15 by an 18 yo who snuck into her parents house repeatedly over a few month period…."Rape" being the case as she resisted him at least the first time and because of the age difference.
We seemed to get past that and my downfall of letting another girl into my pants with her hand during our 5-month breakup…
Years later in our early twenties we broke up again, this time for over a year, but she contacted me and we got back together.
She demanded honesty upfront to be the main characteristic if we were going to be successful on this final attempt. So when the time quickly arrived where we were becoming intimate again, (we had made love frequently for years before separating) I asked her if during our time apart if she had still only been with me like I had only still been with her, to which she said “Yes.” and I was initially ecstatic!
However, I soon started to get a gut-feeling otherwise and began questioning the truth from her...She comes to a guilty admission in an e-mail to me that she had slept with another guy while we were apart. "One night thing, never spoke to or saw him again."
I interrogated her about what and how this had happened since she lied about it, even after stating from the beginning that honesty was going to be #1 in our relationship and still wasn’t upfront with me...much less over an act she knew I held sacred.
So from brutal interrogation (nonstop questioning of every detail time and again over the last 6 months)...It seems to me that a “typical guy” took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable girl. That is was consensual because she didn't say "No." and she didn't physically resist...even though she was in a despondent state during the actually intercourse.
Going on 6 months later I still have not found a healthy way to cope and am still questioning everything that happened. I had a mental breakdown that caused her to miss 2 important events related to college graduation and then drank myself to near death on 24oz of straight vodka in as many minutes....Now needless to say, I am sabotaging/ruining our relationship because I don’t know if I can forgive or accept what happened and how she hid it from me, despite her wanting to not hurt me with the truth and that she herself had been trying to forget the experience.
I don’t know if I would be able to forgive/accept myself if I gave up on someone who was allegedly raped first by one guy, and then sexually mistreated by a 2nd. How can I have a healthy relationship with my one and only again?
Now before you say "Give up, you're no good for each other"...We both seem to agree that unless one of us has cheated, hurt the other purposefully, or caused a grave crime upon the earth, than we can work through just about anything.
I just don't know if we can get past this though. We're seeing a counselor this week and to make matters more complicated, I have booked a trip to the Caribbean for us for her graduation and already paid for everything.
Thank you so much to whoever reads this and know that your sincere advice will be greatly appreciative.
No cliché responses please, that is more hurtful than helpful.
Please remember I have not had sex with anyone else and I'm not religious. I can't tell you how traumatic and painful this has been for the both of us.
cliffs
-mid 20s male reunited with hs sweetheart
-found out from her she was raped before we met in hs
-she found out from me during our first breakup that I let another girl grab under my jeans
-I've only had sex with her
-I recently found out in a guilty admission she had consensual? sex with another during our 2nd breakup
-can't forgive/accept/cope right now and our relationship is dying
-we had committed ourselves to fight through anything that wasn't a)cheating b)intent to hurt c)crime upon life