My Dilemma, my wife's affairs.

[AverageDan]

I am looking for advice, hopefully from someone who might have experienced Something similar but I would appreciate all constructive advice.

So heres my story, I met my wife when we were young and we started our relationship seriously as age 16 or so, I was a virgin and she had been with one other partner. We had our ups and downs like all young couples do but we both grew up. After a few years we had a baby together and thats when I expected serious loyalty from my wife, as she did from me. But she was always suspicious of me so I made my life an open book so she could see everything I did, I trusted her so I never checked on her Facebook, Phone etc. We have been together nearly 7 years and our baby is now over 2 years old.

This past week I found out my wife was having 2 affairs at the same time, one man was from another country who she had been talking to for 3 months or so now and had just had him fly to where we live to spend time with him over mothers day, while I was told she was going to her mothers for the weekend. The other is someone she's known since high school but was only ever on loose talking terms, she started talking to him last week and slept with him Thursday.

I found out all during the week, and confronted her about it, I decided to meet her at the park to explain my love for her(She was at his house near the park) after spilling my heart out to her I said lets walk to his house and we did, she said she needed to do this(Have sex with him) so when we got there I told him I knew what was going on and asked her to decide what she wanted to do. She said If I do this ONS then you can have one too, so I walked away and she went with him for the night... I was hoping she would follow me.

She came back the next morning and we talked about what happened, she said she just needed to be with someone else to see if she was missing something and that she talked to the other guy only for attention. I ended up meeting both these guys and talked, the guy from the other country was genuinely upset because he thought she was single and was in love with her.

So now I know everything, one physical affair and one emotional and now she wants to try to change for me, by doing pretty much anything I need. I just don't know if I can believe her after she walked away from me right into another mans house...

Im not the perfect husband, but I always loved her and tried my best to show it. I literally committed everything to her and I want to make this for work for us and our baby. I just don't know if she actually learned anything or is realy satisfied with her ONS so she doesn't do it again.

I am not a sucker but a hard working and devoted husband, and I need advice on whether people think shes telling the truth, I'll answer anyones questions if it helps them form an opinion.

Thank you for your time, it helps.

Edit: I also don't want to have a one night stand even if she wants me too, because I love her and doing that wouldn't change how hurt I feel.

I also didn't beat these guys up, because I didn't want to buy them a house after they sued me, because both of them were squeamish little shits when I confronted them.

[smackie9]

Your wife wants an open marriage. If you can't be on board with that get a damn divorce.

[michelle23]

I dont think you can make this work. You found out in time to try and fix your marriage but that still didnt stop her. She still spent the night with him and didnt care for your feelings. I think you deserve someone just as committed to you as you are to her. You dont have to let her treat you this way

I know its messy coz you have a baby but if I were in your shoes-jd be seeing a divorve lawyer

[TheEvilJester]

I know this isn't the advice you want to hear, but I don't necessarily think she will change. Once somebody has proven themself a cheater, what is going to stop them from doing that again? Heck, you even caught her in it, confronted her about it, and she still went through with it. I know a child is involved, so you kind of want to stay together for the child. However, children will grow up happier with two happy parents who aren't together rather than two miserable parents who are.

She did not show you the respect you deserve. She did what, in my personal view, is one of the lowest things a person can do by cheating on you. Is it 100% certain that it will happen again? No, of course not. But, the fact of the matter is people like that don't often change. She's proven herself to be the type of person capable of doing such a thing, and that seems unlikely to change. Good luck. I wish the best for you. Though, it may not be what I'd advise, if your true wish would be to stay with her, then I hope for your sake it works out. Otherwise, I hope you find somebody who will truly appreciate you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

[haylz885]

I'm really sorry to say this but it sounds like your wife a complete cold hearted individual and you deserve so much better. I have recently split with my fella because he was cheating we had been together since we were 15 and stayed together for 9years. I went back at first but it was seriously unhealthy all the trust had gone and I just had this horrible gut retching feeling all the time. Maybe like me you have been together from such a young age and have grown up together neither of you have experienced life being single and maybe that’s what she needs, time to do her thing. you really need to leave her for your health and also to show her this is not expectable you need to show her you will not allow yourself to be treated this way. What i have done is left my feller but told him that if he can change and come back as a decent grown up human being then I will take him back because i love him dearly. Maybe you should do the same leave her and it will show her that you are not going to allow yourself to be walked over, it may make her realise what she has lost and if she truly loves you she will change but you need to leave it at least 12months. In the mean time you need to look after yourself and think of you!! it is very difficult but right a list of pros and cons if you stay it will drag you down if you go you can concentrate on you! your career? Gym? you can have some experience as a single person maybe book a lads holiday...... It makes it harder that there is a child involved but if you stay you most likely be miserable and it better to be a happy daddy... its hard but you need to be strong you can’t let anyone treat you like this its awful she actually cheated on you in front of your face showing no remorse...... sorry if you don’t want to hear this or you think I’m wrong but it shame to stay and be unhappy.

[AverageDan]

I appreciate the more depth of the last 2 posters, its been a rough week but I am getting over the pain and thinking objectively as to what I should do.

Appreciate the responses

[TheEvilJester]

In depth. That is certainly a very nice way to put it. I always criticize myself for having too much trouble getting myself to shut the heck up. (Online, anyway. In person, I often don't talk much at all.) So, good to know that some find it helpful. LOL!

Anyway, as hard as it can be, you do have to think of it somewhat objectively. So, good for you for starting to do that. Bottom line is, you have to try to step back and think... you know, what she did really is not acceptable. Think about it if you had not been together so long so you weren't as emotionally invested. You wouldn't put up with crap like that for a second. In my view, it only makes it even worse that she did this despite how long you have been together. So why should you put up with it now?

If you do hope that the eventual outcome will be that she will learn from her mistake and you two can go back to being happy, then I would say I agree with the advice haylz gave. Still, I personally have my doubts as to whether or not somebody like that can really ever change.

Unrelated side note: haylz, I love that you used the world "fella." LOL!

[haylz885]

LOL me too story of my life I don’t shut up in person and online, but nice someone appreciates it lol ...... its hard but you have to do this it will make you a stronger and better person.... and eviljester probably right she won’t change I think im holding on to the fact people change because im hoping my own ex 'fella' (lol) will change... but you no what having that thought in your mind may get you through leaving her, you may think its a tempory split for a while but then you will probably realise you are so much better off on your own....... I only left my ex two weeks ago I finish work go to the gym and keep as busy as possible; the minute im left alone and have the erge to phone him I start writing on here haha... it really helps try giving advice to others this really puts your own issues into perspective you wouldn’t expect anyone else to put up with this so why should you.... think of you xx

[TheEvilJester]

That is actually a really good point, haylz. I hadn't thought of it that way. If it does help you to take a break from the person, then certainly feel free to do so thinking of it as a temporary break hoping they can change. As you put it, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover you are better off without them. Anything that can help you to realize that would certainly be a good thing in a case like this. Either way, to the OP, good luck. Just like anybody, you deserve somebody who can truly appreciate you, and somebody you can trust. If that can't be her, then you owe it to yourself to leave that situation and find somebody else.