Ex back making current relationship hard and me confused

[fumble]

Firstly, hi all

Sorry if this gets long, ill try to keep it condensed. I say that but im gunaa start the story from 3 years ago, thats short right?

Ok from the beginning i had been on and off dating this guy Brian for a few months, on one of our big arguments when he said he didnt think he would ever love me and we decided to stop talking and in this split i kissed another man, Paul, a long term family friend. I saw paul a few times in the following week before i realised what the hell am i doing and ended it. He told me i was making a mistake, i told him i knew. But i got back with brian, i had put so much in that relationship and i didnt want it to end. Me and brian stayed together (with a few little break ups) for a while longer, totalling slightly over a year from before and after paul before we split finally. It was pretty mutual, we both wanted out but it was still sad. About 6 months later (exactly a year after our first kiss) Paul got back in contact and we were in a wonderful relationship for 8 months, till he broke my heart, even on the day he left we were talking about our wedding like it was a certainty. i thought i had happily ever after and it vanished. I was beyond destoyed, i cried so much that i ended up in hospital and literally nearly died from malnourishment in the following weeks because i couldnt face moving even to eat (wouldnt belive it if it hadnt happened). That was a long time ago, math 7 months?, and over so many months since brian was really nice to me,(we work together so i had to keep seeing him after the split) he was putting me back on my feet, or least trying to while i refused to move off the sofa. We got drunk and slept together. Im not proud of it. We have been spending so much time together and have decided that we are 99% in a relationship (because hes a comittment phobe and i didnt/dont want a relationship so its a joke between us to stop us getting scared). Im happy with him, finally he will tell me he loves me and i love him too, even though i never expected that i would.

Thats the background of how i got to here. Now out of the blue Paul is back in contact, misses me, reeally needs a friend and his existing friends arent the same. Im sooo mad at him still. He ripped my life from under my feet with no warning but then if hes upset i still care about him so want to try and make it better. But i cant help but be mad. And hes shocked that im mad, he thought i would be fine by now. I was fine, till i heard from him and spent a day sobbing since, i feel as bad as i did when he left. Why does he have the right to make me feel this bad again? He want to go to the pub. i stupidly said ok. But i think thats off since all we have done is text yell for a day since.

Brian is being lovely about it, saying he thinks we should be friends, that if i want to go have drinks with paul thats fine and if i want him to come he will or if not thats cool too. He says that if i need some time off from us then its fine, and he trusts me, but either way this isnt fair on him. Its not fair that yesterday he spent hours holding me while i sobbed thinking about my ex.

Advice please? Should i be pauls friend, try and put the hurt aside? Will that achieve anything? or will it just continue to hurt me and create a rift between me and brian? im so conflicted

[HeartIsAching]

Tell Paul to **** off. Seriously, he's jerking you around because it's entertaining.

[nico88]

Listen to heartisaching.

This Paul guy sounds like a dick. And even if he wasn't, being friends with your ex rarely ever works. If he's making your current relationship miserable then just cut him out of your life. Simple as that.

[fumble]

I like you guys And i admit that i dont belive in being friends with an ex, but then well Brian was my ex before we got back together and we were friends after the spilt and before getting back into whatever this is. Paul in general is a lovely guy, which is why im finding it hard to tell him where to stick his friendship, but yeah he is making me miserable and the joy of a break up is that you shouldnt have that person making you feel like crap. Him getting in contact was purely selfish, he is selfish, im just weak.

[nico88]

Sometimes when you're a genuinely a nice person, people will take advantage of you and treat you like a doormat. I think that's the case here. You seem like you have a good heart and Paul obviously knows that so in his mind you'll take him back into your life, no questions ask. But you need to do what's best for you and your current relationship, you know? And I don't think having him around would be what's best. But that's just my opinion..

[fumble]

Im sooo mad that he thinks he can just walk back in my life, and that i have let him hurt me like this again. But what im really mad at is that on some level i still love him, i miss what we had. Im so happy with brian and i dont want to leave him, and im not going to but how do i cope now that i have my ex at the front of my mind?

[nico88]

First, you need to decide what you really want.

If what you want is Brian, then like i said previously, cut all contact off with Paul. Having him in your life when you still harbor some feelings for him is gunna really **** your relationship to hell. Once you do that then just put 100% into your boyfriend. Show him some love, you guys go do something fun together. And just focus on building up your relationship and making it stronger. All thoughts of Paul won't disappear right away but it will over time.

The only reason I'm really able to give you this advice is because recently I went through a rough patch with my girlfriend..actually contemplated leaving her to explore my options with someone else. But I got on here and got a lot of helpful advice from some smart people. Not sure if my advice is as good as theirs, but hopefully it helped you a little.

[fumble]

First, you need to decide what you really want.

If what you want is Brian, then like i said previously, cut all contact off with Paul. Having him in your life when you still harbor some feelings for him is gunna really **** your relationship to hell. Once you do that then just put 100% into your boyfriend. Show him some love, you guys go do something fun together. And just focus on building up your relationship and making it stronger. All thoughts of Paul won't disappear right away but it will over time.

The only reason I'm really able to give you this advice is because recently I went through a rough patch with my girlfriend..actually contemplated leaving her to explore my options with someone else. But I got on here and got a lot of helpful advice from some smart people. Not sure if my advice is as good as theirs, but hopefully it helped you a little.

Thank you. Im sad to hear that you just went through a rough spot but glad to hear things are better

I have just messaged Paul after him complaining that he didnt want me out of his life that in the end he was the one that ended it and that got me out of his life therefore i am gone. Hopefully he will just leave it at that and tomorrow after work im going to spend the evening with Brian. Hopefully over time thoughts of these few days will fade, its just really annoying because i took so long getting to the point when i never wanted to hear from him again and thats when he pops up. Grr at that man. And though i loved Paul so deeply he will never be the same person to me that he was, he has truly phychologically scared me and i cant forgive that and be his friend. It saddens me that i wont help him when he needs it but i spent 8 months of a relationship putting him first, now im not with him i get to do what i want, and thats be with Brian. the silly thing is i bet when i talk to brian about this tomorrow he will be mad that im not being Pauls friend, Brian always has to do whats 'right' and helping out an ex is right in his book, im just not as good a person as him.

[nico88]

Well people have different opinions. I personally think you're doing the right thing, if Brian doesn't tell him to be friends with Paul.You don't need to feel guilty about not "being there" for Paul. That doesn't make you a shitty person. It's not like you're the only one in the world he can get help from. You just keep doing what you're doing and keep your chin up.

[Valixy]

We can't have everything in life and everything is not even good for us. So, no, you cannot and shouldn't have Brian and Paul back too. The relationship with Paul almost destroyed you, you're very lucky to have overcome that depression and Brian giving you all this love and support. Mentally and emotionally Paul can do to you too much damage and you might not have resources to face another disappointment from him and Brian might not be around next time.

You loved Paul and of course, not all those feelings have disappeared completely, your break up is still very recent, but you should see him for what he is, a man who can harm you mentally and emotionally beyond belief and stay away from him, if you care about your sanity and your ability to function like a normal person this is. What good is a man who as soon as he appears in your life again makes you feel broken into pieces and cry all day long? He is an ''energy vampire'' who takes away all your strength and happiness and leaves you empty and wounded. This is not much different from a man who's physically violent with a woman, because tell me, what's the difference between ending in hospital and undergoing a long recovery for a few broken bones or psychological problems because of a supposed lover? Avoid him completely!

I personally don't believe that you still love him anyway, you're mostly experiencing consequences of the emotional trauma you suffered and wished he could somehow make things better for you because he caused you all that pain in the first place (and your own inability to face the break up of course), but he is not your healing solution. Your common sense, love for yourself and good healthy decisions are.

[fumble]

We can't have everything in life and everything is not even good for us. So, no, you cannot and shouldn't have Brian and Paul back too. The relationship with Paul almost destroyed you, you're very lucky to have overcome that depression and Brian giving you all this love and support. Mentally and emotionally Paul can do to you too much damage and you might not have resources to face another disappointment from him and Brian might not be around next time.

You loved Paul and of course, not all those feelings have disappeared completely, your break up is still very recent, but you should see him for what he is, a man who can harm you mentally and emotionally beyond belief and stay away from him, if you care about your sanity and your ability to function like a normal person this is. What good is a man who as soon as he appears in your life again makes you feel broken into pieces and cry all day long? He is an ''energy vampire'' who takes away all your strength and happiness and leaves you empty and wounded. This is not much different from a man who's physically violent with a woman, because tell me, what's the difference between ending in hospital and undergoing a long recovery for a few broken bones or psychological problems because of a supposed lover? Avoid him completely!

I personally don't believe that you still love him anyway, you're mostly experiencing consequences of the emotional trauma you suffered and wished he could somehow make things better for you because he caused you all that pain in the first place (and your own inability to face the break up of course), but he is not your healing solution. Your common sense, love for yourself and good healthy decisions are.

Just to clarify i dont want Paul back, on some level i still love him but on higher and more important levels im furious at him and realise he actually treated me badly through the relationship i was just blind to it. I dont want to go back to that, i dont even want to talk to him ever again but am feeling guilty about that. I think what he wants is to make it better for me, to get the guilt off his own back, but i was freaking fine before he got back in my life but im still not going to forgive him, he feels guilty well he sodding should and im not taking that off him.

[Valixy]

Paul isn't back because he's feeling affected by what happened between you two or because he still has some feelings for you. He wouldn't have needed 7 months for this and he wouldn't have told you that you should be over it by now, unless he is over it of course. Paul is thinking of himself again, as always, and so should you.

If he isn't making many things up about how guilty he feels, etc., he's simply having a low moment in his life, his friends aren't responding to him as they used to (surprise, surprise!) and he's hoping that you could cheer him up a little while he meses up with your head again. There's no need for you to feel guilty for letting a grown up man deal on his own with his superficial complaints and get a life.

Keeping ex-es in your life is detrimental most of the time for your peace of mind and the new relationships that you could have. The fact that you and Brian ended up together and are happy is not the usual outcome. I think that you should both take a mature decision, protect what you have and keep Paul out of your lives completely or your relationships might easily get ruined. You owe him nothing, quite the contrary and you only need some basic healthy discrimination to realise it. Your conflict and how bad you've felt in the last days should be your inner guide in taking this decision. Listen to it.