fiance tried to kill himself

[stuckhere]

Dear Forum members,

New to this site and in serious need of assistance. I am young, a romantic and perhaps, very naive of certain things.
A little over half a year ago I met a man on a mountain. He was not from there, my home area but was visiting from abroad. Needless to say we began a whirlwind romance and within two months he proposed and I accepted. Quit my union job, gave up my home, packed, saved and went to his land a month later to meet him there.

Well, he was NOT the same person I knew back on my home turf. He seemed, 'Haunted', changed, darker. He worked in the medical community amongst Dr's and therapist' many of whom were his friends.

For the next 4 months I was always sensing something was wrong. I thought, maybe he's just not into me, made a mistake, maybe he's still in love with his ex.
Everything seemed rushed. He wanted to get hitched, get pregnant, crikey, I barely got off the plane before he was rushing me to meet his skeptical parents who looked at me like a was some dangerous bug that ought be cooked in that massive pot in their kitchen.

Well, this went on for less than half a year, the strangeness, the odd vibes, the darkness in him. I thought that once we were back in 'My' land, where we met, things would be better for him.
Well, two weeks ago, this is what happened.

I asked him if we could wait on the marriage thing as I wanted my family there too; told him I didn't understand his need to rush everything.
He left, seemed to understand. Then he came back and caught me having a smoke (my only one in 4 months) to which after he rapidly scrubbed out his vehicle and said he'd be back in time for dinner.

Well, he never came.
A terrible feeling came over me.
then his ma called and when I told her I was worried she said, "we are c om ing down" (they lived 2 hours away) then I knew something terrible was going on.
called a friend and we drove like mad looking for him and finally we found his car parked on side of farm land road.
He was laid on his back, stiff, cold, purple and blue with is whole medical kit stuffed up his arm via I.V. with a three page letter to me and his family apologizing

rushed to hospital, they told us to prepare and it didn't look good. they started to look at me like I was to blame but I didn't care, I just wanted him to live. renal failure, family prepared to lose him and told to get ready by dr's, many his peers.

Well, he lived. Thank God he survived. The first thing he said to me when he could speak again was "you should have left me there"
AFter 4 days of praying hard, he was out of the woods so to speak and I went home for a brief change of clothes and rest.
when I called hospita, I was not allowed to talk to him. Panicked, I called other people to see if they could talk to him. None of us could get through.

His Aunt and Uncle pled with me to stay with them awhile saying that his parents were turning on me, blaming me and they wished to protect me for their nephews sake.
I did not believe them. I ought to have.

Two weeks later I was escorted to the airport by his FAther and some big guy and am now in Amsterdam with little money, blubbering all over the place, alone and scared. I don't even know if he knows what's happened. What if he thinks i just abandoned him?
In a quiet moment befoe I left hospital he confided in me that long time he danced with wanting to die. Pi Polar he was and he should have told me. He said i was a last hope and when i became unhappy there, that was his que to go.

I don't know what to do.
Anyone?

[AdminOnline]

Hi stuckhere and welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion! Hope you enjoy your stay here.

[woody]

Dear Stuck,

Many many years ago I had something vaguely similar happen to a friend of mine. I felt lost in how to comfort him and could only offer creature comforts and words of hope.

His lady and after only a short time of knowing him, tried to 'off' herself.
Being blamed for someones attempted demise is a horrible burden that truly scrambles and shatters ones own self and nothing I could do or say helped my friend. I am sorry but what you are going through and will go through is not going to be easy nor will it end anytime soon.

It took my friend nearly 12 years to get on with his life. It did not help the situation when he got word, after the first 5 years of isolating himself that she had finally succeeded. Threw him right back into the notion that he let her down and wasn't around to help her when she so desperately needed it.

I hope some of the others can offer you better advice on how to cope with something like this.

You need to get back home to your own family for support. You need to realize this was NOT your fault. You only knew him for a short while and your only mistake was agreeing to marry someone you only knew for a couple of months. You sound young and yes, as you said, somewhat naive. That's not a fault to be a romantic.
In my opinion, he used you and placed an unacceptable burden without giving details as to why. ie. smile and he'll stay, frown and he'll go? F___ that. You poor thing. This is not your fault.

get home, you can talk to him on the phone when he's a little better.

Your not a Dr.
You say he worked in the medical community and your kicking yourself for not diagnosing his disease? He worked with Dr.'s
Seems he may have been one himself? So, hey, if they didn't see it, what makes you think you could have?

I hope more people offer advice.
Don't take 12 years to get over this like it did my old friend. It nearly did him in to believe that he was to blame. Please don't allow the same thing to happen to you young lady.

blessings all round and I hope he'll be alright but more so, I hope you'll be alright.

get home. get home, back to your mountains and God speed.

[chinagirl]

Stuck, this could not be easy on you as I believe that you have strong feelings for this guy. Nevertheless, like woody said, you cannot blame yourself for what he did.

He was mentally ill and there was no way you could have helped him. He can try to put this on you, but as someone who worked in the medical field, he should know better than to blame anyone.

He could have sought for psychiatric treatment and would have been properly treated with drugs and psych therapy... My understanding is that he did none of those and his family did nothing to help him.

Go home to your family and try to put this all behind you. I know it's easily said than done, but there's nothing you can do at this point but offer him your support. Please don't go back to him because this experience have inflicted enough trauma on you.

Take care...

[pcmaster]

Thats fcking crazy to leave home country for someone who you know only 2 months. Also he didnt communicate with you about the things and there was no way you could help him if he didnt ask. Agree with Chinagirl - people like this should be on meds. When relationship ends you understand how little you know about person. Also I think he didnt saw you as a human but more like a thing a measurment. Its like he measured himself(how good he was) by how happy you were.

If you get in touch with him again then say it was like a movie and laught about it. Take it easy you both need you families now."When it all comes down the only way is up"
It will be long time(year or more) until guy becomes ready for relationship again. Theres takes while to recover mentally after trying to kill yourself.

[dem862]

I think you dodged a bullet. The guy is unstable. You don't need that in your life. He is someone else's problem now. Move on with your life and perhaps look into counseling for PTSD from this whole episode.

[michelle23]

Im not surprised. You turned your whole life upside down for someone you didnt know and then you learned what you had walked into (a nightmare). Your lucky to be away from this man. Go home, start your life again and forget about him. Hes not stable enough for a relationship and you should learn from this experience. 2months is nothing. You could have ended up with a serial killer, a rapist.. thats what happens when you make such impulsive decisions and let your heart/infatuation control you.

Relationships dont work long term unless you have 1) a solid foundation and 2) supportive family/friends around both of you who are backing you all the way.

[stuckhere]

Thankyou everyone for helping me. I am feeling so very lost. I am en route to home again through tough times. I feel sorry for people around me. they do do not know whats wrong with me. on ly that some thing terrible has happend.
i'm so sorry
I feel upset with his parents for not telling me for sweeping this under their rugs hoping their son would be all they wanted him to be. he never wanted to be a dr.
i don't even know if he knows i'm gone.
kicked out of a country, escortd n all. this mountain girl. jeesh.

Chinagirl, your right. he never mentioned nor did his family, anything about this, noth ing. I could tell something was wrong but between his lovely accent and dreamy eyes I believed all his reasons, none of which were real. I wish one of his peers noticed. i don't know

pCmaster, michelle&dem, thank you for your words, i'm so confused right now. feeling protective over him but deep inside i know waht he needs is recovery and i need help too becuz its not easy thinking i in some way played a part in his attempted suicide. knew something was wrong. i knew it. never thought it was this, never.
woody, 12 years it took ur friend? cant think about that now. must go towards home. never gonna give my heart again this is so messed up

thanx all for trying. can i talkto you more later? will seek ehlp

[snckrs]

Stuckhere,
Please listen to me sweetie. Please. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS SUICIDE ATTEMPT! Not at all. I have dealt with people with mental illnesses all my life, and I do mean all of my life. If someone wants to kill themself, nothing can stop them, and no one is to blame but themself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent any of this. Please return home and continue with your life, and live it to the fullest. Please leave this in you past. Although I do recommend seeing a physcologist once you arrive home to help you leave this in the past.

[woody]

Wanted to check in to see how your doing Stuckhere. Allot of good words coming from people. ^^^ your story is tugging at heart strings and I think we all just urge you to go home and be with your family. You say your broke? How could that be. you need to reach out. Now is not the time to be proud; ask for help from your family, they'll want to assist you believe me.
and as the above post implies, please, know it, your not to blame.

With my friend, the one I told you about, he did not seek out help. He retreated to the woods and cut himself off from everyone that cared. No one even knew where he was. He lost so much weight, became so haunted himself thinking he played a part in his ladies condition. He did not.
Please don't allow yourself to be isolated from those who love you.
You could not have known your fiances condition and by what you say, he hid it very well and put you in a terrible situation.

I know your feeling for him right now and wish to be with him. But what he needs is to get better and you need to get back to your mountains and have a really good cry.
This is not a failure. You have not failed him. His family ought to have told you rather than sweeping it under the rug with a cup of tea. Well now they must face it and their own issues regarding their son.

I'm glad you came here to this forum. Lots of good people here. Please let us know how your doing once your back home. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.