Your best friend...

[searock]

I'm just wondering, do you guys have a very close friend (other than your partner, and of the gender you aren't attracted to) that knows pretty much everything about you, whom you've been best friends with for a really long time, whom you spend lots of time with, whom you tell everything about you, whom you keep in touch with every day, etc? Kind of like a partner, but without the sex/sexual attraction?

If you do, would you say that you are closer to your best friend than to your partner? Do you trust your best friend more than you trust your partner? Does your best friend know more things about you than your partner does? Do you feel more "free to be yourself" with your best friend rather than with your partner? Do you feel more at home with your best friend rather than with your partner? Do you talk with your best friend about things that you don't want your partner to know (I'm not just talking silly gossip such as "wow that guy is hot, lol!", I mean serious stuff)? Do you sometimes feel more emotionally connected to your friend, rather than your partner?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, do you feel like that is somehow wrong, and/or would you want it to be different? If so, would you want your friend and partner to be on the same level, or would you want your partner to be the most important?

How often do you keep in touch with your best friend, and how often do you hang out with them?

Thanks for replying. Full disclosure: I'm asking purely out of curiosity .

[Ann32]

I very curious on the answer to this question as well. I am currently not in a relationship but I have found in my last relationship that I was closer to my best friends then I was to my bf. I look at my other friends that are in more serious relationships and some of them say they are with their best friend and I've heard that from other people as well. I'm not positive but I think the person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with should be someone you want to tell everything to, confide to, solve problems with, trust and be free with.
So I'm going to say that your bf should also be your best friend but not your only best friend because you still want to have your girls to hang out with!

[nico88]

I have a close group of people I consider my best friends. I've known all of them since I was a kid. One in particular I've known since birth. We were in every class together through elementary school..always gettin into trouble haha. We probably text everyday and maybe talk on the phone at least 4 or 5 times a week. I travel from NY to Cali on a regular basis so I don't get to see him all the time but when I am home in NY, he's always at my place.

I'd have to say he probably does know more shit about me than any of my girlfriends ever have. I would trust him with my life. Can't say I put that same kind of trust in my partner. Especially with the shit we're going through right now. But that's a different story..

Anyways yeah I guess I would like it to be different. I can pretty much talk to her about anything but I mean more often than not I have gone to that best friend when I had a problem before I went to her. Idk why. I don't do it on purpose really. It's just one of those old habit things I think..

[searock]

Thanks for your replies, guys.

Ann32, I do agree that your partner should be your best friend... if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, it better be with your best friend. I also agree that you should also have other close friends .

Nico88, for how long have you been with your girlfriend? If you haven't known her for a very long time (say, at least 2 years) then it's pretty understandable that you would trust your childhood friend more than her. As for not going to her when you have a problem but rather going to your best friend first, that seems a bit strange to me. But again, it might just be because you haven't been together for a really long time yet.

[nico88]

Yeah idk we've been together for about 3 years. It would be 3 years next month actually. But we've known each other a lot longer than that. The thing is we've always had sort of a rocky foundation and I mean I'm far from perfect, but she tends to be great with words just not with following them through. I guess that could play a part in why I sometimes go to her second..

But I agree with you guys. Your partner should definitely be your best friend. I guess I just haven't experienced that yet.

[HeartIsAching]

I have a best friend (male, not attracted to) that's been my best friend for 35 years. We don't live in the same state anymore, but we keep in touch regularly. Our lives have taken different paths...

I love him like a brother - more, because we chose each other. Trust? I trust both of them equally. Serious business. If he called me and said "Help me hide a body", I'd show up with a bag of lime and a shovel, and not ask any questions. I know he'd do the same for me, and he's a cop.

But not more or less than my wife. If it came down to it, I'd choose my wife over him. He's smart enough to never push that choice.

[Wakeup]

There is your "best friend" and then there is your life partner who happens to also be a best friend but different. People can have more then one best friend at the same time. I don't think there is a need to compare or ask the questions you ask because I believe its not healthy to rely on my partner to be my everything. That's one heck of a burden to be placing on him.

I lost my best friend to cancer in February. I knew her for 27 years and saw her every single day because she lived right next door to me so it was like losing a part of me. She was "my person" the one I talked to when I my life mate needed to "fix" and felt helpless just listening. She wasn't my sister by chance but by choice and I'm still grieving her loss.

Yes, its nice to be able to tell your life partner anything and everything but that doesn't mean that doing so will sooth what needs soothing. Sometimes we need our own gender to really understand what is going on.

[searock]

HIA and Wakeup, thanks for your answers. Basically you're saying that you have (had) close friends other than your partner, and that they are pretty much equally important to you, albeit in different ways. Also, you wouldn't want things to be any different.

Wakeup, by no means do my questions imply that it's healthy to rely on one's partner for everything. Sorry about your friend .

HIA, do you feel as emotionally connected to your friend as you do to your wife? Do you feel as "understood"?

[Valixy]

I was raised to have only female friends and this has worked out perfectly for me. I have never had good male friends but had a friendly work relationship or similar with many guys and I've never missed more. As an adult I've made some wonderful male gay friends who I treasure dearly.

I have never questioned who I could value more because I have valued my partner and best friends very much in different ways. There was never competition or misunderstandings and my friends always knew how important my partner was and respected that and viceversa.

I personally wouldn't compare these two relationships, they have a very different function and dynamics but over the years I have shared much more with my partner than my best friends that I don't see as often as I used to when I was younger and I've established a deeper and more complex relationship with my partner. The age definitely influences both relationship types.

[HeartIsAching]

There is your "best friend" and then there is your life partner who happens to also be a best friend but different. People can have more then one best friend at the same time. I don't think there is a need to compare or ask the questions you ask because I believe its not healthy to rely on my partner to be my everything. That's one heck of a burden to be placing on him.

I lost my best friend to cancer in February. I knew her for 27 years and saw her every single day because she lived right next door to me so it was like losing a part of me. She was "my person" the one I talked to when I my life mate needed to "fix" and felt helpless just listening. She wasn't my sister by chance but by choice and I'm still grieving her loss.

Yes, its nice to be able to tell your life partner anything and everything but that doesn't mean that doing so will sooth what needs soothing. Sometimes we need our own gender to really understand what is going on.

Sorry for your loss, Wakeup. I lost a 'brother' last year, I know what it feels like.

- - - Updated - - -

HIA, do you feel as emotionally connected to your friend as you do to your wife? Do you feel as "understood"?

Yup. .

[toknow]

There is your "best friend" and then there is your life partner who happens to also be a best friend but different..

What are you smoking....LOL

Best means above everyone else. You can't have two people above everyone else. That would make neither of them best
So if they are equal, you don't have a best friend

I stopped reading at that sentence

[Wakeup]

Thank you, HIA. Sorry for your loss too.

[KingZ]

I was raised to have only female friends and this has worked out perfectly for me. I have never had good male friends but had a friendly work relationship or similar with many guys and I've never missed more. As an adult I've made some wonderful male gay friends who I treasure dearly.

I lol'd. Makes sense.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, when you are in a relationship, it is pretty likely that, at least for a period of time, you will have a closer relationship with your best friend(s) than with your partner. The reason for that is sometimes relationships come and go, but if your best friend is somebody you have known your whole life, that is a pretty deep bond.

However, I've always been of the opinion that this should definitely change once the relationship becomes serious. Mind you, that doesn't man your bond with your best friend should be any less strong. Simply, it means you and your partner should share an even deeper bond. After all, if a relationship becomes serious enough that you think it may be the one, you should certainly be closer to that person than your friend. Imagine if you get married someday. How do you think they'd feel if you are married to them, but still closer to your friend than them? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

So, it isn't necessarily a bad thing if you happen to be closer to your friends than your partner early in a relationship. That is almost to be expected. You've been with your friends longer. Once, though, the relationship crosses into that serious territory, I do think that needs to change. But, that could just be my opinion.