Struggling like a big dumb loser with divorce

[MelMH]

Hi, random internet people!

I'm Mel. I'm 28. I'm currently going through a new separation/divorce. Been with my SO for 8 years.

When we decided to split, it was completely mutual (really. Not even just saying that). We decided to carry on living together, since I'll be leaving this city in a few months anyway. We've been so friendly through the whole thing, as we'd just realized we were better as friends than partners. He promised we'd work through it together. Great!

Since this decision though... it hasn't gone like I expected. He basically jumped right into being a single guy. Out with his friends 2-3 times a week, usually not coming home until after 10am. Meanwhile I'm at home alone, wondering what he's doing, who he's with, being sad, and generally feeling like he's completely abandoned me.

People will probably say "get out there! Go have your own fun!" but it's a struggle, as I moved to this city from my home town (6 hours away), and never really made my own friends. HE was my friend, and his friends were my friends. So now I'm finding myself rather alone and just having a really hard time coping.

Anyone have any advice for how to get through the next few months before I can leave?

Thank you xxx

[Pinta77]

It sounds like maybe you still have feelings for hi? Or maybe you really are just a bit lonely.

Yeah it's hard to just get out there and make friends if you don't already have any in the current area. I say maybe just find something to keep yourself busy until you can move.

And hey, don't say that about yourself. you aren't a big dumb loser, these feelings are totally understandable. I dunno how helpful I am, but I wish the best to you =)

[TheEvilJester]

There is nothing wrong with you. The end of any relationship is difficult, even more so such a long one, and even more so a marriage. I actually went through a similar situation as you almost two years ago now. The only difference being, at least from what you've told us, it seems like you are both decent people who just maybe were not a match for each other. My situation was a little different. I stuck around much longer than I should have in a relationship where I didn't feel appreciated for years. I've just never been one to run from my committments, but I should have gotten out of that situation a long time ago.

Anyway, he is absolutely doing the right thing by being more active. That is the best way to help yourself get over this kind of thing. So, yes, you should do exactly that. I know that can be hard, especially given your situation since you don't have a lot of friends nearby. So, get involved in some activities/hobbies you like. That is one way to distract yourself, and also meet new friends. That is one of the things that helped me out the most. Surround yourself with positive people who will enjoy your company. It will remind you that you are a person who other people enjoy being around.

When it comes down to it, when somebody is your ex, they are your ex for a reason. So, it is okay to want to remain friendly, but it is very unlikely that you will remain close friends. In fact, it is really better if you don't try to remain close friends. You both need to move on.

In any case, good luck. I know how you feel because I have been through what you have been through. So, please feel free to come back with any follow-up questions, and even post new topics the more you go through this process. If I can help in any way, I would be more than happy to do so.

[HeartIsAching]

If you're still in the same house, I hope you're at least in separate bedrooms.

I was in a similar situation once, ex and I 'separated' by a wall. Turned out to be the best thing she and I could have ever done. We're good friends now.

I'm wondering why you feel he shouldn't 'abandon' you when you're no longer together. Why do you feel that he's somehow accountable to you for his time and actions?

[woody]

The EvilJester nailed it.
Sorry your having a tough go of it. Perhaps a restorative yoga class or some other classes that interest you may be a good idea. Gets you out there around other people communicating and at the very least, getting a good stretch to clear the mind.
Applaud the amicable approach you two are enduring; can't be too easy though being in the same house while he goes out and gets on with things. May make you wonder why it seems so easy for him to do but don't read too much into this. Probably hard on him too.

A few months to go? Could you get another place in the mean time? Might be easier for you.
anyway, good luck and find yourself a few good books to escape to.

[TheEvilJester]

The EvilJester nailed it.

Hey, I don't know how the nails got in that guy, but I swear he was like that when I got here. ....Oh, you meant that figuratively.

Seriously, though, good advice, woody. For the OP, I would also add that it is even entirely possible that your ex is going out so much, not because he got over things so easily, but perhaps because he has not. It is very possible that he is having a hard time with it too, and that is why he is going out more. No better way to help you move on than to be more active, and surround yourself with people who remind you that people do like you and want to be around you. Remind you that you are a good person. Remind you that, even though you had a relationship that didn't work out, it doesn't automatically mean you are a bad person.

I had to tell myself that, and went through a lot of what you are going through, and what I am sure your ex is going through as well. And you know what I found out? Maybe I am not such a bad guy after all. All the screaming people I have chained up in my dungeon might say otherwise, but I think I'm not too shabby. LOL!

[Maple1714]

Going through a break-up can be lonely sometimes, but you just have to put yourself out there....meet new people. I guess that's easier said then done sometimes, but you have to at least try. Didn't you meet anyone who you can call up and hang out with since you've moved? Otherwise, I would just take the next few months to do things that make yourself happy and not worry about finding new friends.

You two broke up, so he is just doing what is normal. You can't hold it against him. You need to focus on yourself.