Walk away or stay?

[demalica]

Okay, first and foremost, I am a love and relationships writer and published author. So for me to come to a forum asking for relationship advice is way out of my element, but I am smart to realize we all need help occasionally.

I'm very successful. I'm highly independent. I'm goal-oriented. I am logical. I'm good at compromising. I pride myself on being good in the bedroom. Why? Because he tells me ... all the time. I let a man be a man. I'm extremely easy to get along with, I love to laugh, and I'm a social butterfly. I give my heart and soul when I'm in a relationship. I know when I'm right and have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. I express my thoughts and opinions very decidedly. I'm excellent at seeing things from both perspectives of a relationship. I understand love, and treasure it. I wanted to express the type of person I am so you can make your own judgement on how you think I should go about this.

He is my first relationship in over two and a half years. As most relationships begin, everything was perfect - the first week. After that, it's been rocky and confusing. He has me completely stumped. They say "love is blind" and although we are not in love yet, I'm starting to feel like that blinded, stupid woman who should have left after fight #1. Here's the kicker: We've only been together for two months.

The first week, the best week, started out rather ordinary. He said all the right things. "You're amazing", "I'm so lucky to have you", "You're the most incredible woman I've ever met." He accepted my rough past and things I still deal with today as a result of my past. He couldn't keep his hands off me. He loved to just look at me and smile. I'll admit, I was a sucker for the pet names: sweetheart, darling, baby, etc. When we would spend time at his house, he didn't like being on his computer because he felt it was rude while in my presence. I am a flight attendant so I'm gone a lot. He told me when I come into town he could easily adjust his work schedule to spend time with me, which he did. The beginning was what most would consider perfect.

Now, the way I'm about to describe how my boyfriend is today will almost immediately sound like I should leave him. Reason being, all I see in him more recently is things I don't like.

About a week after dating, the pet names started to diminish, the compliments became few and far between, and his affection was almost non-existent. I thought to myself, "Okay, this is normal. Things like this start to fade after some time." BUT, A WEEK AFTER DATING? Nah, something isn't right. So I confronted him about it. He seemed surprised, almost acting as if he didn't know what I was talking about. He then began to try and justify his behavior. "I do so many things for you and you don't even see it. I pick you up from the airport and drop you off (Side note: the airport is about 20-25 min from his house). I cook you dinner. I drive you wherever you need to go when you're here." I took a step back and thought, "Okay, he's right. Rather than seeing the things he's no longer doing, I need to realize all the things he does do." End of fight.

A couple of weeks later, he continued this same behavior and it proceeded to get worse. Now he was strictly calling me by my first name. He wouldn't kiss me or touch me unless I made the first move. His work schedule was no longer as flexible. His whole "I don't want to spend time on the computer while you're here" went out the window. Although, that one may be my fault because I told him I was perfectly fine with it. Compliments? None, whatsoever. To this day, I couldn't even tell you the last time he told me I was beautiful. And no, I don't wear sweats and pajamas around him all the time. The sex is still fantastic. I don't see that ever becoming bad. We're both extremely good at what we do. Anyway, at this point I was becoming rather annoyed at his lack of being a boyfriend. I brought it to his attention again. Now he says, "You're nagging me. Nobody wants to compliment or display affection to somebody who nags them to do it. Stop expecting it. The moment you started expecting the compliments and affection from me is when I stopped. If you force me to be a certain way against my will, it's not going to mean anything." Touche, touche. I get it. End of fight.

It's been about a week and a half since that last fight. Things have gotten worse. No compliments, zero affection, and our conversations are dwindling down to nothing except talking about his health kick and getting buff. He's insecure about the way he looks, which he shouldn't be. He's very attractive. He has an ego and he's not afraid to express it to me. He really thinks he's "the shit". Confidence is sexy, but being egotistical is not. I've blatantly tried expressing this to him, but he doesn't get it.

Every morning when we wake up together, I don't even get a "hi". No morning kiss. Cuddling? Yeah, right. Setting the scene: it's as if we're roommates who have sex almost every day.

We're complete opposites as is, so we already have the odds against us. Compromising needs to be a "must" with us and it's just not happening. I've accepted his terrifying driving skills (although, I must say, they can be rather impressive, at times), I listen to his God awful music in his car, I listen to him talk about bulking up all the time. He recently started taking steroids and as much as I was against it in the beginning, I've even come to terms with it. I told him as long as it didn't negatively affect our relationship, I'm okay with it. Every five days, if I happen to be in town, I give him his steroid shot. So far, no "roid rage" or any of the other stereotypical side effects. I'm giving and giving. I'm not even acting desperate for his affection. Most of the time, I keep to myself. I still make the first move in bed (that's about even), I'm always the one to kiss him first, and I have to lift up his arm in bed just to get him to touch or hold me. But I'm not even smothering him. I kiss him maybe once a day, I'll make him cuddling with me every other night for a maximum of ten minutes, and I don't even try to hold his hand anymore. So, when does his compromising begin? When will he start to understand what he's doing (or not doing)?

I'll be honest, I'm four years older than he is and I'm a rather attractive woman. He knows this. He has seen solid proof that men desire me without me even having to point it out. But he also knows that I have high standards for my relationships so I won't date just any man. At this point, I'm starting to question how high my standards really are. That's where you men come into play. I need your input:

Yes, he and I are complete opposites. Yes, he might be making health decisions that aren't exactly smart. But I'm starting to feel tricked. He was "Mr. Perfect" a week in and as soon as he "won me over", every wonderful thing that I loved so much about him came to a screeching halt. He does still occasionally make me laugh, I am still very much attracted to him, and every once in a blue moon he does something that makes me think we could potentially work. But is it enough? Should I be able to count the amount of times he's voluntarily kissed me or even touched me in the last two weeks? Whenever he makes me laugh, should I think to myself, "There we go, he made you laugh. There's hope." Am I hanging on to something that's ultimately meant to end?

[basilandthyme]

Demalica, I guess your confusion stems from the fact that he's not doing anything wrong. This is more about the fact that you and he operate differently in relationships.
You clearly need someone who's very wordy and affectionate...but he shows love in more practical ways.

I suggest that the answer lays somewhere in the line "I think you're a terrific person, but we need different things from a relationship".

[chinagirl]

I'm not a male but I'm going to give my two cents anyway. A good relationship should not be that difficult. Ii shouldn't be a struggle to be with someone you care about.

I've been with my BF for 5 years. He still holds my hand pretty much everywhere. He kisses me all the time and he cuddles me at night before sleeping and first thing in the morning when he wakes up... And we are a lot older than you guys. You should still be in your honeymoon stage (two months in a relationship) and yet you are already downhill into the relationship.

If it's not good now, it's not going to get any better. You should know when to walk away.

As you said, you're a smart woman and you know what you want and what you need. The fact that he's not meeting both is an indication that you should bail out now.

[smackie9]

You guys are missing out the fact that he is your typical narcissist. It's all about him and no one else.

OP he is right, you are fighting to have him be the way you expect him to be....you are being an idiot. Yes you are right, the logical thing you should have done was to walk right after that first week. You have high standards? That went out the window. IMO you are cock struck. Snap out of it, dump the piece of crap.

It's pretty simple, what is wrong with you, you don't need our help....come on!

- - - Updated - - -

I have dumped guys for less....

[dave4472]

Yeah it sounds like he put that effort in and snagged you and after a week he's like "why bother now?" He's obviously attracted to you physically and enjoys hanging around and having sex with you but that's all it is, a physical relationship on his part. He's keeping his emotions firmly out of it. I can relate to that myself, been there, done it. He's living for the moment and doesn't see this lasting too long, so you might want to think about getting out now and finding someone who does want something more than just the physical stuff.

[nico88]

I would personally walk away. He sounds like a douche. And honestly you sound like a woman who knows exactly what she wants and just from how you described him, idk how why you've put up with him for this long. This guy doesn't sound like he appreciates you at all. Dump his ass and go find someone who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[smackie9]

That's what we call being played.....

[nico88]

That's what we call being played.....

Like a harmonica....

[fearoflove]

Hahahah. A week! Is that all it takes for you to fall for a guy? No, woman. He has to work harder than that. It is over. Turn the tables on him and date other men. Remember: you don't have him until he fights so hard for you that he leaves a part of his soul behind.

[michelle23]

Ok I read half of that and thought "your not compatible". Its obvious your not right for each other. Im surprised you even need to ask for advice. Hes just mr wrong. I remember the first 6months with my bf. I felt ecstatically happy-like all the time. And now I feel normal happy 99% of the time almost 6years later. Ya we had a rough patch our third year when I was grieving for a relative but ups and downs are normal when your with someone so long. 2months isnt worth getting so worked up about. Just end it

[demalica]

I think your reply to my post is the most mature and accurate. He's not a bad person and neither am I, we just have different expectations in relationships, and that's okay. Just because we expect different things from one another that neither one of us seems to be fulfilling doesn't make us bad people, it just makes us bad for each other. Thanks for the reality check!

[lalalita]

How long did you know him before dating? How did the two of you meet etc?

[Maple1714]

Yeah...he just playing you. After only a week the compliments stop? So, you slept with him right away? Ugh. When you first a guy and they throw out all the lines in the first week....run! You realize this I am sure. Drop him now and move on to someone else.

[MrLoyal]

God, you give relationahip advice?

[bekho]

Yeah you swept each other off your feet by being really attractive for each other. And that only lasted a little while. Once you got to know him you realised that you aren't being loved the way you want. He might be feeling the same way. I'm guessing you are finding it hard to make a decision because you like him a lot and that he does have a lot of redeeming qualities as well. It's probably quite hard for him too to stay in that infatuation phase when you are away so often. Or it could even be that you aren't giving him the stimulation he needs to stay infatuated with you? Give it time. buy into the confusing and wonderful beginning as it's precious to fall for someone.

I don't think either of you are playing each other, but you are entering the relationship from different angles. You haven't been in a relationship for 2.5 years so of course you are ready to be Disney loved with no baggage. What about him? I have friends who are as egotistical as you described. Horrible horrible people. Opposites attract I guess. Your introductory paragraph about how you are in life and love, how much of that can you say your partner shares with you?

When you really like a song it's because of the rhythm. Then the tune. Then finally the lyrics. But usually you'll find that the lyrics are bullshit.

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