I'm married, going out with a girl who's got a boyfriend and I seriously need help.

[victorheight]

I'm 28 and Ive been married for 2 years. We get along just fine, but she's way too cold and sex is not good. Also, we have other small problems, as she's too jealous, doesn't like many things I do, suffocates me and so forth. We talked about that before marriage, and she had promised me she would change. However, as married users may already know, people don't change after getting married. They just get worse.

So, I was unhappy 2 weeks ago I met a 21-year old girl in a web chat. We talked for a while and decided to see each other. We both liked it, had sex and kept contact. After that, we've been seeing each other everyday from Monday to Friday and exchanging hundreds of messages a day.

She says she's not happy with her boyfriend, he's too jealous, cold and not very polite. Plus, there's 2 months since she last saw him as he lives in a different city. Well, we really liked each other and she says she's totally onto me. She broke up with him yesterday and said she wants to date me.

Now comes the problem: I'm afraid of trying this, because I don't know if I could, or I would be capable of, trusting her.

Any thoughts/opinions on this? It's killing me inside and I don't know what to do. Any help is highly appreciated.

Please note that I KNOW I'M WRONG in cheating my wife.

[searock]

Why don't you break up with your wife?

[victorheight]

Why don't you break up with your wife?

I intend to do that, but I'm afraid I won't be able to trust this girl. Do you know what I mean?

[Rowen]

Please note that I KNOW I'M WRONG in cheating my wife.

Speaking as someone who was cheated on in two different relationships, when I first read your thread title, I was obviously very irritated and had a whole speech planned... But, since you already know you're wrong, I've cut out 1/3 of my post and will try to be a bit easier on you so you can understand things from another perspective... :S So, please, pull up a chair, and read all of what I have to say at least twice- then think about what to do.. :S

I'm 28 and Ive been married for 2 years. We get along just fine, but she's way too cold and sex is not good. Also, we have other small problems, as she's too jealous, doesn't like many things I do, suffocates me and so forth. We talked about that before marriage, and she had promised me she would change. However, as married users may already know, people don't change after getting married. They just get worse.

Okay, let's start here... Obviously, as you're well aware, you and your wife are not compatible if you can't work through things together. At the same time, take note of this in your future relationships; if you are having problems and getting married on promises, it's not going to work. To have a successful marriage, you both need to understand one another and be able to create a workable living situation. If you can't be with her without feeling suffocated or you can't even find something to watch on television together (what my brother and his fiance are going through), you might want to rethink marriage...because otherwise, it'll be one side giving more than the other. And the other side will be taking more than the first side is taking.... See what I'm saying? I write about this first because I'm hoping that you'll grow off of this for your future relationships.. :S

So, I was unhappy 2 weeks ago I met a 21-year old girl in a web chat. We talked for a while and decided to see each other. We both liked it, had sex and kept contact. After that, we've been seeing each other everyday from Monday to Friday and exchanging hundreds of messages a day.

She says she's not happy with her boyfriend, he's too jealous, cold and not very polite. Plus, there's 2 months since she last saw him as he lives in a different city. Well, we really liked each other and she says she's totally onto me. She broke up with him yesterday and said she wants to date me.

This is a problematic woman, I think. I say this because, if she isn't happy with him, why didn't she leave him? And, no offense, I'm sure you're thinking the same about your situation as well... So, in my opinion, it sounds like you're both groping for an out of situations that you're both not happy in. You happened to be the man she found, and she happens to be the woman that you found. And isn't this all happening a bit fast? Two weeks may seem like decades, sometimes, when we're talking nonstop and spending tons of time with someone. But let's face it...it's still two weeks, right? Why would you want to jump out of a marriage right into a relationship? Wouldn't you like to take some time to take in what went wrong and what you didn't like to discover more about yourself and WHY you were in that situation in the first place? Wouldn't you like to learn what NOT to do next time to prevent further heartache? I know I would...but that's just me. Think of what you could learn by taking the time to yourself.

Not to mention, if she's that quick to dump someone and unable to be on her own before finding another relationship, doesn't that kind of say something about her character? I'm guessing you want a good woman who will treat you well and trust you....receive your love and give you love in return. Yes? But to have that, you need to communicate with one another. If you can't communicate, the relationship is dead, so how will you be able to trust that she'll communicate with you when things are rough? And, if you don't believe that things will be rough, every couple goes through some rough points as they try to figure out how to make things work. It's part of life...and anyone who tells you differently is lying.

Now comes the problem: I'm afraid of trying this, because I don't know if I could, or I would be capable of, trusting her.

I intend to do that, but I'm afraid I won't be able to trust this girl. Do you know what I mean?

Now, I think this is the most important part of your posts in this thread... By specifying that you're not sure if you can trust her, you're already saying that you don't trust her, regardless of what your heart tells you. I say this because, if you did trust her, you wouldn't be here. You'd be her boyfriend right now and divorcing your wife. So, I, once again, don't think this is a situation you should jump into. I think you should divorce your wife and take time to analyze what it is that you want... And to do that, you can't be romantically involved with anyone. It has to be strictly focusing on you.

On another note, though, please think about your wife's point of view... Obviously, she cares about you, despite her short comings. And if it were you, wouldn't you want someone to have the decency to tell you, "I'm unhappy. I don't want to be with you anymore.."? I know it would've hurt me a lot less when I was with my ex-boyfriends if either of them told me they didn't want me anymore... And I think you'd want that same respect if you were in your wife's shoes so you wouldn't be wasting your time trying to make something work that the other has no interest in. You'd want to move on, right? You'd want to learn from your breakup so you can try to find true happiness with the right person...right? So, if you would want that respect, why not give it to her? It doesn't take a billion dollars to do, and you don't have to donate a kidney... All you have to do is tell her how you feel, to be fair to her and yourself, and how could she fault you for how you feel?

Tell your wife you're unhappy...and if you insist on trying things with this woman, take it a lot slower than you are right now. Yet, I still feel the best course of action is to tell your wife you're unhappy, divorce her, and take some time to yourself...but you're going to do whatever it is you decide to do. I'm just a suggestion on the internet. :S

Best of luck, though, and please...treat others the way you would like to be treated.

[nico88]

^Listen to this guy.

I don't get why you'd marry someone who you weren't compatible with in the first place. Definitely get those papers signed. Especially if you want to pursue things with chatroom girl. Going into a new relationship serious or not..it kinda helps to be single you know? A clean conscious is the way to go.

[smackie9]

I think you should throw caution into the wind, get a divorce, and enjoy this new relationship. There are risks to any relationship so no matter what, there is no way of knowing what direction this relationship will go. Who knows maybe you will rebound off her and end it with her. If you end up single, so god damn what, at least you got out of a unsatisfying marriage which you should never have got involved in in the first place.

Shit happens because life happens. Sometimes we find ourselves in a crappy situation, the best you can do is make changes. You can't change unless you take risks, but with risking you will hurt other along the way, that is where you need to figure out if it's worth it. IMO it's worth it.

[searock]

I intend to do that, but I'm afraid I won't be able to trust this girl. Do you know what I mean?

You don't get it. I didn't ask you why don't you break up with your wife and start dating the other girl, I just asked you why don't you break up with your wife. You should get divorced no matter what happens with the other girl.

[michelle23]

Do you have a fear of being alone? Do you keep settling for second best and hopping from one woman to the next-never learning from your mistakes and hurting people by sneaking around, lying, cheating?

No matter how bad your marriage is-that doesnt justify your behavior. You should have left your wife and filed for divorce before getting with someone else. You say your wife is insecure, jealous and controlling?? Well you just proved her right. Instead of walking away with your head held high and having the moral high ground-now your the asshole, the cheat..

Seriously you need to grow a pair. Your not happy in your marriage so end it. Then you should take some time out to be alone and figure out what you want instead of jumping in head first to some rebound fling with a woman just as dysfunctional as you are.

You should work on yourself and become a stronger person.

[smackie9]

Hmmmm let me guess.....your wife's family is rich?

[Wakeup]

I intend to do that, but I'm afraid I won't be able to trust this girl. Do you know what I mean?

Does the girl know you're married? If she does, then no, you won't be able to trust her. If she doesn't then welcome to the asshole of the year club for not only cheating on your wife, that goes without saying but for lying to this girl about your marital status.

[HeartIsAching]

I intend to do that, but I'm afraid I won't be able to trust this girl. Do you know what I mean?

You won't - no guarantees there.

Well, except for one: She won't be able to trust you. She already knows that you're a cheat.

[smackie9]

Ya talk about a double standard....OP can't see past his nose...

[victorheight]

Small news:

she did break up with the guy and we keep seeing each other everyday. Two days ago, she took me to her house to meet her family, "as a friend". We chat, drank and had a wonderful time without kissing or touching.

I really like this girl. She likes the same things I do (books, old movies), likes to study, has a charming smile, great sex...the only thing that is holding me off is the uncertainty. And my wife.

About my wife, she moved to my city when we moved, and I'm feeling really embarrassed to let her go that way. I'm thinking about offering her help, pay her college and something to relieve my guilt. Also, I feel very embarrassed of her parents, because they're such good people and so kind to me...

Any suggestions?

Speaking as someone who was cheated on in two different relationships, when I first read your thread title, I was obviously very irritated and had a whole speech planned... But, since you already know you're wrong, I've cut out 1/3 of my post and will try to be a bit easier on you so you can understand things from another perspective... :S So, please, pull up a chair, and read all of what I have to say at least twice- then think about what to do.. :S

Yes, I know. I've failed as a human being, but I'm trying to improve it.

Okay, let's start here... Obviously, as you're well aware, you and your wife are not compatible if you can't work through things together. At the same time, take note of this in your future relationships; if you are having problems and getting married on promises, it's not going to work. To have a successful marriage, you both need to understand one another and be able to create a workable living situation. If you can't be with her without feeling suffocated or you can't even find something to watch on television together (what my brother and his fiance are going through), you might want to rethink marriage...because otherwise, it'll be one side giving more than the other. And the other side will be taking more than the first side is taking.... See what I'm saying? I write about this first because I'm hoping that you'll grow off of this for your future relationships.. :S

The thing is, she is a very simple and humble person and I like that. She's not arrogant, treats everyone nicely and doesn't try to look smart and brilliant. However, not being interested in books or intelligent movies is dragging me down.

This is a problematic woman, I think. I say this because, if she isn't happy with him, why didn't she leave him? And, no offense, I'm sure you're thinking the same about your situation as well... So, in my opinion, it sounds like you're both groping for an out of situations that you're both not happy in. You happened to be the man she found, and she happens to be the woman that you found. And isn't this all happening a bit fast? Two weeks may seem like decades, sometimes, when we're talking nonstop and spending tons of time with someone. But let's face it...it's still two weeks, right? Why would you want to jump out of a marriage right into a relationship? Wouldn't you like to take some time to take in what went wrong and what you didn't like to discover more about yourself and WHY you were in that situation in the first place? Wouldn't you like to learn what NOT to do next time to prevent further heartache? I know I would...but that's just me. Think of what you could learn by taking the time to yourself.

Not to mention, if she's that quick to dump someone and unable to be on her own before finding another relationship, doesn't that kind of say something about her character? I'm guessing you want a good woman who will treat you well and trust you....receive your love and give you love in return. Yes? But to have that, you need to communicate with one another. If you can't communicate, the relationship is dead, so how will you be able to trust that she'll communicate with you when things are rough? And, if you don't believe that things will be rough, every couple goes through some rough points as they try to figure out how to make things work. It's part of life...and anyone who tells you differently is lying.

She was already thinking of breaking up with him. Actually, she said she didn't broke up only for me, but because she wasn't happy before.

The rest of your post is great advice as well. Thanks a lot for your attention my friend.

I think you should throw caution into the wind, get a divorce, and enjoy this new relationship. There are risks to any relationship so no matter what, there is no way of knowing what direction this relationship will go. Who knows maybe you will rebound off her and end it with her. If you end up single, so god damn what, at least you got out of a unsatisfying marriage which you should never have got involved in in the first place.

Shit happens because life happens. Sometimes we find ourselves in a crappy situation, the best you can do is make changes. You can't change unless you take risks, but with risking you will hurt other along the way, that is where you need to figure out if it's worth it. IMO it's worth it.

That's what I'm considering. The thing is, I like certainties in every aspect of life, and starting a new relation is so hard, right?

Does the girl know you're married? If she does, then no, you won't be able to trust her. If she doesn't then welcome to the asshole of the year club for not only cheating on your wife, that goes without saying but for lying to this girl about your marital status.

She knows, but I've already done that to many many girls in the past (not telling I was married/engaged).

Hmmmm let me guess.....your wife's family is rich?

Quite the opposite. I'm the one who supports her and her family financially.

[Wakeup]

She knows, but I've already done that to many many girls in the past (not telling I was married/engaged).

She's a twat who has no personal boundaries. You? well, may an infestation of locusts infest your private parts.

[HeartIsAching]

^^^deer ticks.