How do I become my Wife's best friend rather than a conventional husband?

[Steve_armstrong]

I'll try and be brief about a dilemma I have concerning my wife and I and a decision I have to make that I don't want to affect our unconventional relationship. I'd appreciate advice form the hip esp. from married women about what I propose to offer her and how they would feel if their husband said the same.

My wife and have been married for 25 yrs. Due to varying reasons (pre dominantly my health) it has been sexless for ten, however I do feel we are close and have a real connection. We talk about almost everything hair, nails, clothes and she has told her other female friends I am her BEST friend. I have heard people call me effeminate behind my back and their right it seems natural to me I can't help myself, but I am not gay, I just like things that are girlie, I don't dress up but cant deny that when I have seen sometimes how pretty my wife has looked, when dressing for work or to go out, I have felt slightly jealous and have been tempted, she has never complained when I wear a frilly when I do all the housework. laundry, ironing or when I read girls magazine.

I am aware she has had affairs during those ten years (understandably so) but it has always remained a closed issue, we just don't talk about the subject EVER. They have been few but have happened. She is due to go away with her boss on a "course" to in a couple of months to Antiga which I am almost certain is not a course but a holiday as the guy concerned is originally from the region.

I want to change the dynamic, I want to be able to talk to her about the guys in her life like girlfriends do
i want to get excited about going shopping with her for dresses, underwear and swimsuits for her holiday, I want to be excited with her about her upcoming holiday, I want her to be open and honest with her BEST friend, me. But its just a closed book breaching the subject is a totally taboo issue and I don't understand why.

Sometimes I feel that this issue could ultimately be the biggy for our relationship and may just split us up if she's not honest with me. How can I get through to her that what she's done, is doing and is going to do is OK with me, I want to love her like a proper best friend should?

[searock]

So you are happy with not having sex with her and just being friends with her? Maybe she feels uncomfortable and unwanted because of this, so it would hurt her to talk with you about her lovers and seeing firsthand that you aren't jealous at all. She probably didn't imagine it would end up this way when she married you.

[michelle23]

I dont understand why you want to know all the details. What will that achieve?

[Angiewatson]

She has lost respect for you as a husband. Her having lovers is acceptable if your not providing the sex she needs, we all need sex.

I'm afraid the only way is to find the right moment and talk to her why don't you suggest a meal or something invite her "boss" and show that you are comfortable with the two of them together?

I've just read your original post again

What I suggest you should is buy yourself a cute little sissy maids outfit, invite your wife's boss over for dinner get yourself dressed up all sissy help your wife get ready for her lover, great him at the door curtsey and address him as Sir and fetch him a cold beer, serve dinner then go and prepare your bedroom for your wife and her lover from Antiga. Put rose petals on the bed and have her sauciest negligee fragranced and ready for her to slip into. Put some Champagne on ice and in a bucket beside there bed. After dinner show them to their room shut the door whilst you return to do all the washing up. When you've done that put on a clean pinny and place yourself outside the door to their bedroom with your arms placed neatly folded in front of you and listen in case they ring the little bell beside their bed should they require something. Oh and don't forget to curtsey and call them Sir and Ma'am like a good respectful sissy husband should!

Because after all that's what you want isn't it?

[dem862]

She doesn't want to share those intimate details with you. Most women keep that stuff very private. Sometimes women judge each other harshly. Society has taught them to feel shameful about being sluts. If she is engaging in activities she believes in her heart are shameful, she will share them with no one. Especially, her husband. Your role is to love and support her. You are not her therapist (although it is funny how many women lie to their own therapists because they don't want to be seen in a bad light). Some women are extremely adept at compartmentalizing their lives.

[Steve_armstrong]

searock ,,,,,

I need her so much she is my world we spend so much time together doing best friend stuff

Michelle23 ,,,,,,

I don't want all the sordid details, I just wish openness and honesty by excluding me from what she's doing I feel she's being deceitful and there's no need.

Angiewatson ,,,,

I have fantasised about that stuff but I want reality and honesty not fantasy or involvement

Dem862 ,,,,

I do love her and support her as previous answers there is absolutely no need to be secretive about her other life. I want her to be comfortable with all of that.

[Steve_armstrong]

Don't think you'll will be able to advise now guys as actions are out of the question now as she's out of the country tomorrow. I am very grateful for your advice though, little as it is, it has helped me to get through this.
We went shopping yesterday like we always do but with the added excitement of her pending trip. She bought a couple of lovely dresses and some really nice swimsuits and bikinis. We then went to a lingerie boutique where she bought some new underwear, it was there when I really wanted to say "I bet Kevin (her boss) will really like that" it was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't. We where then on the way back to the car when we passed one of these shops that's like a sex shop but not quite, if that makes sense, and she noticed a sexy baby doll night dress in the window. She said she liked it, so we went in. As she was admiring it and feeling the material it on the dummy I couldn't contain myself any longer. I just blurted out "Kevin will really love you in that!!" She just stood there for what seemed like ages without moving just feeling the cotton nightie and looking up at it, so I broke the silence and said "plus cottons going to be nice in that climate isn't it?" at this point she glared at me and after a long pause said, "and would you like to wear it?"
She stormed back to the car without saying a word, I scurried as fast as I could trying to keep all her purchases together. The next 24hrs have been really horrible, just row after row she accused me of all sorts, being gay (untrue)not being man enough to STOP HER of having affairs, I tried to say I was OK about her having a sex life, tried to say I liked looking after her, but she was having none of it. Just went on and on about her needing sex and it was all my fault! I didn't know what to do, even contemplated suicide at one point (no worries I'm definitely not brave enough)as I couldn't take much more.
She went to out all day to day still not talking, not knowing what to do I went to the shop to buy the baby doll to give her when she returned. She came home in what seemed another horrible mood slammed her car keys and handbag on the kitchen top and said "we need to talk." Before she could say anymore I presented her with the gift wrapped baby doll and said "I want you to enjoy this" She opened it and instantly broke down in floods of tears. As she sobbed she said "why couldn't I have just left things as they were" she said she didn't want "things" out in the open. We were both crying and I tried to explain it was because I loved her and I wanted her to be happy and enjoy a sex life with whoever she choose.
She said she'd been sleeping with her boss for a couple of years and was angry that I knew but hadn't said anything. I couldn't believe how naïve she thought I was but didn't say that. I reassured her that I was OK with it and had comfort from looking after her, I liked being her friend, I liked doing the domestic stuff whilst she went out and enjoyed life. I just wished I was more her confidant, I said I wanted her to tell me everything. Which now looking back sort of left me wide open because she said she would from now on but I was to tell her everything. She asked me if I liked wearing women's clothes which I said I would if she was ok with it, then she asked me if I had any affairs, I said I wouldn't ever do that, she said because she had affairs didn't mean I could, (not an easy one for an impotent) what my sexual fantasies & desires were centred around,, which I told her about.
She seems to slip to easily from one mood to another and on the dark side she can be quite nasty, depressing and negative about our relationship. Sometimes I'm glad it's all out in the open but then I'm so worried she won't be coming back when she does go away, currently I am very very depressed right now.

[searock]

As I imagined, she doesn't like that you aren't jealous at all. It makes her feel like she failed, by marrying you. You may be her best friend and that is awesome, but it's not enough in a marriage. Surely this wasn't what she signed up for. I can only imagine her frustration and disappointment. She wants to be with a guy that makes her feel wanted and "his", someone who will fight for her, you know? That's what she means by "a real man".

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think you should look for a more compatible partner. Someone that is asexual, like you are. You two are just not going to work IMO, or if you are it's going to be painful for the both of you. Hold on and keep posting here if it helps, perhaps even see a therapist that can guide you through the divorce.

[Valixy]

You had no intention of making her suffer in any way and she knows this now. Maybe you'll stick to the old discreet arrangement you had before if you find it more comfortable or maybe the new arrangement will work for both of you, it certainly works for other people. The fact that you don't have a complete relationship together is nobody's fault, it's just how things are and you have both tried to manage this as well as possible. Hopefully you'll both be able to overcome this and not undergo a crises in your marriage. Whatever happens try to maintain yourself strong, stable and positive. Good luck.

[Angiewatson]

Phew,, fair play to you foe being brave enough to "out" your desires and worries.

I presume she's gone on her trip now, how did you leave things? Look my first reply was a little harsh but read it again and see how much would fit in to your lifestyle. Your quiet happy being her servant/maid type husband.? Why don't you write down how you would like things to be when she gets back, if you want to be her maid tell her. Then the two of you can see what's acceptable for both of you and pick those bits out.

But your going to have to listen also, if she no longer wants you this way I'm afraid that's who it will be, however I'm sure there's a few down trodden ladies/wives that would love to have your services.

Good luck

[HeartIsAching]

Obvious troll is obvious.

[basilandthyme]

>>Obvious troll is obvious.<<

As opposed to the obvious troll who is discreet

[HeartIsAching]

Obviously!