Hurting.... Long but please help.

[Confuzed 780]

Hello Again,

So I would like to start by saying that I love my girlfriend. She's smart and beautiful and sweet when she wants to be. She's a strong person. She has three kids and I think that she is a great mom. She's very ambitious and as a social worker I do believe that she genuinely cares about the people she works with. I say these things because I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression about her. I do think that she is a great woman.

With that said we've been together for over a year. The first thing I realized about her is that she drinks. Not very often but the problem is that when she does get drunk she's a mean drunk. She tries to be hurtful with the things that she says. She also get flirtatious when she's drunk. Second, she cheated on me (she says she was forced) with her kids father. A guy who she respected at first but played her in the end. The man is (for lack of a better term) crazy. Aside from his verbal abuse he ruined her home and took her kids. All while secretly having another kid with another woman. He did a lot of things to ruin her life. She's lied to me. Or rather edited the truth on numerous occasions. She ignores me. Goes days with only communicating with me by texting. I can't even get to know her kids because of some clause in the custody agreement.

She's also rather critical of me. Things like "because I don't have kids I don't know what it's like to be a parent". Or because I don't make as much money as her she can't depend on me financially. That I can't help her with her problems. She has been going to court to get her kids and her house back (which she did) But not before he took her for child support.


I stay with her because I love her. And even though I'm not a parent I know that her kids come first. And while I'm not rich I do have a job. A LEGAL legitimate job so I'm not really broke. And I swear I want to help her in any way that I can but I'm not sure how. I'm trying to be a good guy and I'm trying to do right by her. My friends hate her. The one's that know some of the story anyway. And she dislikes them as well. I didn't want that. Now she says that she doesn't want a relationship. It's not a real priority and that she has no problem being alone because that is how she see's herself anyway because that is how she has been taking care of her problems. I don't understand why she wants to push me away so much.

So I come to you.

Any advice?

[chinagirl]

What is the reason for her drinking and cheating? Is she happy with you?

[Valixy]

People initiate and stay in a relationship because the other person is equally interested in having one and being together feels better than being on their own. This woman has serious doubts about being in a relationship with you, she is at war with her ex and will still be for quite some time, and besides she has a drinking problem that creates lots of tensions between you two.

You never mentioned that she is aware of the problems you two have or that she's willing to do something to improve things. She really isn't in good place right now, but you cannot be the only one who wants to make things work and makes an effort to adapt. You seem to be pretty much alone in this relationship and you shouldn't be.

You should look for someone who is equally interested in being with you and willing to integrate you in her life and make you feel loved and happy. Your relationship should never gravitate around someone's drama with their ex, your partner should have enough energy and personal resources to make you feel as special as you are and concentrate on you two. Good luck.

[chinagirl]

Cheating and drinking is a symptom of a problem in the relationship ( and you said she doesn't drink very often... When, how often and how much does she drink?) There are always two sides to a story. Is she happy being in a relationship with you?

Have you talked to her and find out the reasons for her actions?

I just don't get it, if she's a social worker and genuinely cares about people and is a great mom and is a great woman, why is she doing what she's doing.

I just feel like there are information missing in this post unless I'm just not getting the picture right.

[Confuzed 780]

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I have said something to her about the drinking and everything. I wrote letters sent long texts had face to face conversations. I get apologies and promises and sooner or later she's back to being herself. That or now she attempts to shift the blame to me. Starting a completely different argument about whatever she can come up with at the time. For example I started TALKING to her about her being drunk the other night and she tries to change the argument to something that happened on facebook almost a month ago that barely involved me. The thing is I WANT to be a better person for her. I listen to what she wants and I constantly try to deliver. And while I may not ALWAYS get it right I SWEAR I try. With that said I feel that as much as I talk and voice my opinion she doesn't think she is at fault with anything.

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She drinks.. She drank before I met her She drinks when we go out to a bar or a club she drinks on the weekends with her friends. She's more of a social drinker than anything else but she's nicer to her friends than me when she's drunk. I'm not saying that she doesn't know better. She drinks and gets drunk because she knows that I don't drink when we go out. That I'll look out for her the whole night.

As for her being happy with me I don't know. I WANT to say yes. Sometimes I think she really is. But then something in her life happens to upset her and I go from boyfriend to punching bag.