In a mess - please help.

[doodie182]

Hi guys.

I'd really appreciate some advice. I'll do my best to explain simply what my situation is.

Basically, I feel like the worst person on earth.

Ok, so I never used to engage in casual sex. I only wanted to be intimate in committed relationships. But now I live in a country on the other side of the world from my home, and the loneliness has been increasingly overwhelming. I also suffer from depression and kind of started to use casual sex as an escape - as a way to feel desired and wanted. I know it's wrong. I have low self-esteem and I'm not a great person.

Anyway... I formed a friendship with a local guy here. About six weeks ago, we kissed, but then he pulled back, saying he wants to keep the friendship. I was ok with that. But in recent weeks we've been hanging out more and I've really developed feelings for him. He maintained that he likes me too, but wants to keep a friendship and maybe later it'll grow to be love.

I've been really excited, because it started to feel like something was going somewhere with a good guy, even though we weren't in a relationship. Anyway, on Friday, he came to my house and, for the first time, we had sex. I knew it might happen and I was ok with it,because I thought he was a decent guy and totally worth it.

But then, to my horror, after we finished, he said he was going home. He didn't even try to hug me or anything. He didn't see sad or regretful and said he'd had a good time. But he just left my room and started to gather his things. It took a few minutes for it to sink in, and I was then very angry and upset. I was not expecting this! He started to make some lame excuses like he always sleeps alone. I just felt completely used, like he'd had all the fun and now wanted to get away.

He saw I was upset,and put his arm around me but I shrugged it away. I was so, so hurt. After arguing for a while, he left and hasn't spoken to me since.

I spent the next day feeling very hurt and upset. And then last night I let my old demons get the better of me, feeling sad, lonely and miserable. I went out to a club with a group of friends and a guy I had a fling with once for a short time. I have no excuses, but I ended up sleeping with him. I guess I just wanted some distraction from the feeling of being hurt by the first guy.

I know I was never in a committed relationship with him, and he always kept talking about "keeping a friendship" but I truly liked him and wanted to change for him. I feel guilty and ashamed for what I've done - and feel as though I cheated.

I might never hear from him again., but I fear that if we were to put what happened that might behind us and get along again, my chances with him might be ruined forever.

I would appreciate any advice - what should I do if we did become friends again? Should I tell him what I did or not? Should I just stay away from him altogether?

Please don't be too harsh, I'm punishing myself enough as it is.

Thank you, and please - any advice would be gladly received.

[nico88]

Ok first of all that whole "let's just be friends for now and maybe it will turn into something more later" is code for "I really don't want to date you at all but would be willing to sleep with you if the opportunity presents itself". I mean it's not always the case but I think it was here. Bro sounds like one of those hit em and quit em types. Especially since he used the bullshit excuse "oh I always sleep alone" to ditch you in a hurry. I mean really? Come on. Thats bullshit.

If you were able to just keep this at a friends with benefits thing it would be great but you've already started developing feelings for him...and honestly they're going to waste on this douche bag.

If I was in your place I'd cut this one loose. And until you can find a way to detach your emotions from sex, I'd stay away from any type of casual hooking up as well. Because if not you're gunna be right back in this same place.

[doodie182]

Thank you for your comment.

I think I trusted him because we actually did things together, it wasn't about sex. We went for dinner and helped each other study, things like that. It never seemed like his intentions were just to have sex, in fact he seemed quite against having sex too early. But you're right, I suppose it is just common sense that if a guy leaves immediately after, it's a red flag.

[searock]

Sweetie stop blaming yourself, you did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with casual sex, you know. It's just sex :-).

As for your supposed "friend", he was a douche. He used you and left you, like the typical insecure cruel person that he is. You are much better off without him. Now, learn how to be happy and fulfilled on your own. You don't need anyone else. As soon as you realize this, you will feel much better and you will be ready for the right guy to come along. Never let someone else be the custodian of your own happiness.

[doodie182]

Thank you for your kind words

[XyOh]

There is nothing wrong with casual sex, but there is something wrong with using it to distract yourself from what's really causing your loneliness and depression. You might say your loneliness and depression is due to the fact that you want affection and love from another person. That's when you need to ask yourself WHY you feel like you NEED love and affection from another person. What is it about yourself that isn't complete without someone else in the picture? Find out why being alone isn't something you're comfortable with ... not why you're alone. Obviously, you're away from home and comfortable surroundings, but this should be an adventure for you and a time to really define your sense of identity. Fall in love with yourself and others will be drawn to that love and love you as well.

As for this guy, there's no sense in dissecting whether he's a terrible person or if he really liked you. The two of you were not committed to each other when you had sex and when you approach a sexual relationship in this way, you can't look at it as a landmark for something more serious. You can only look at it as casual. Yes, it's possible that a relationship might have followed, but it wouldn't have been because the two of you had sex. Sex can certainly be a trigger, but once again, when it's done casually, there is a larger gray area to consider.

Since the two of you got into an argument and lost a lot of connection right after the sex, it's highly probable that he won't pursue a relationship or even a friendship. This doesn't necessarily make him a horrible person - just human. This also doesn't make you a horrible person - just human. You made a mistake as far as choosing to sleep with him and that's okay. These things happen everyday to many people in various levels of friendships and relationships. It's possible that getting hurt and angry with him was also a mistake since the parameters of your relationship were never defined. That's okay too. Like I said, mistakes happen. We can't go back in time, so we can't let every little thing bring us down. Unfortunately, little things can bring down potential relationships and when that's the case, you just need to let go. Free yourself from the burden and know that not everything is meant to be. You're welcome to hope for better, but expect what's realistic and you'll be a happier person for it. Accept that other people, including your friend, make the choices they do because they think it's what's best for them at the time. Make the choices that are best for you.

I recommend waiting until you and the next love interest you have define your relationship before you engage in sex. Once again, there is nothing wrong with casual sex, but if you're anxious to pursue someone romantically, sex can make things VERY confusing. It's better to define the relationship before sex. Take the confusion out of the picture. Simplify the process when it comes to your heart. Sex is not a catalyst for love. But love is a catalyst for sex. Find love for yourself. Then someone will find you. Define your love first. Then enjoy the awesome sex that follows.

[nico88]

I understand why you would feel that way and I wasn't saying any of this was your fault by any means. Guys can get pretty crafty playing the stupid games we sometimes play. Some guys will say or do anything to get what they want from a girl. And I'm sure you weren't the only one he fooled.

You sound like a really good person and I'd hate to see you waste time trying to make something work with a guy like him. You can do better than him. Trust me. Not all guys are dogs. Just keep your head up..

[doodie182]

Thank you all for your advice. He has contacted me to apologise, but made yet another excuse for leaving me the way he did - the third excuse I've heard so far. I think it's clear that if he was truly sorry, he would have at least called me or come to see me.

I've started to realise that in a way, he was subtly controlling. For example, I smoke, and I know it's bad - but he knew that when he started to hang around with me. Every time he saw me he would belittle me and say I smell of smoke and should quit because he doesn't like it. He also called me lazy at one point and even said I'm "a little fatter than the local girls here" who are very skinny. There is a language barrier so he might not have meant it the way it came out, but it was still hurtful.

I'm still regretting my decision to ease the sadness using alcohol and casual sex with the other guy, and I agree with what one poster said that using casual sex to distract myself is a bad idea. I guess it's kind of like being in a boat - when there's a hole in it, I rush to plug up the hole instead of just letting the water wash over me - by which I mean, let myself be down for a while and then move on. I know I need to find a better means to deal with situations like this. I just felt hurt and unwanted because I really liked that guy, and he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. That's my only, and very pitiful defence.

Does anyone think I should give him another chance if he makes an effort? His apology was via a messaging service - very pitiful and cowardly. And do you think that if we become friends again in the near future, I should tell him about the guy I had a one night stand with?

Thanks again guys, I really appreciate it

[Dexie]

This is unfortunately an issue that occurs way too often. One of my best friends is going through this exact same thing! I can't believe that I read this and I actually thought you were her for a brief moment. It hurts yes, but like I am trying to tell her, you have to cut this one loose. I don't know what it is that makes her so attracted to him and makes her want him even though he so clearly just uses her like he does. You will find him making excuses just to see you again and then the exact same thing will happen, he leaves her feeling like shit and doesn't speak to her for ages and then weeks later pops back up on the radar again. Please see that you are worth so much more than that.

You are already setting yourself up for the next time, by asking these questions about telling him about the other guy. Why should you? It doesn't have anything to do with him. You aren't in a relationship with him and shouldn't feel "committed" in any way to him. I understand that you shared yourself intimately with him and have feelings for him and therefore maybe feel the need to, but it's evident by the way he is treating you that the feeling is not mutual. You can do and deserve someone so much better! The moment you realise that....things will change.

[michelle23]

If it makes you feel so bad then stop doing it. This guy told you hes not interested in you romantically but you still thought sleeping with him would change his mind. Stop using your body as a way to get attention or love. It doesnt work. If a guy is into you-like really into you-it will be obvious and dont sleep with him until you know for sure hes committed