Beginning of The End is now becoming The End

[Butchie]

Hi everyone...

I know this might also be eligible for the Broken Hearts Section, but I really hope to get the views and advice of women, especially young women.

First of all, I am a significantly older man, 54, but also an artist in good shape and hang with many younger friends including a few women. One year ago this week -- in advance of going back to school for a graduate degree -- I took a seasonal internship at a National Park and was teamed with what seemed like a slightly quirky, often loud and funny young woman who I eventually found also had a deeply intense quiet side. It didn't take long to like her, and I soon learned she had "been in love three times" but no one ever reciprocated. In any case, I treated her with immense respect and friendly affection since we got to laugh and work alone together almost exclusively.

We were relatively isolated and some unfortunate things happened regarding a Ranger harrassing her, and I soon found myself extremely protective of her. This led almost immmediately to her nuzzling against me one night as I tried to sleep, and to make a long story short, eventually I kissed her one night after she really made me laugh and we soon hooked up and went to bed together. It lasted for one month until the end of our term, but I really was drawn to her and found myself falling in love.

In an amazing and lightening fast series of events, I suddenly found myself applying to her school and her department at her advice, and was accepted and arrived at the school the day before classes began... so of course she let me move in her place in my own room at a great rent.

Our affair started up again soon after but I rarely slept with her and soon found that her "almost a virgin", "almost in love" stories were basically untrue, and she had been with quite a few men and at least one woman (in a very serious and intense relationship), and we soon were doing most everything in bed. But she limited our exposure and soon I found a bit of resentment growing in me. Remember, I am 54 and she 28 ---but a VERY mature and intelligent 28.

And yet I was totally, head over heels in love with her. She was the smartest, sharpest, most intriguing woman I had ever met... always thinking and observing, instead of talking, yet also fun, funny, very eclectic, an amazing writer, incredible linguist, just a super-smart human who reads incessantly yet also could be the hottest girl of a get-together. And we laughed together a lot, and continued to have great sex. I believe she really liked the fact that I always supported her dreams and ambitions and encouraged her constantly to not hold back from what she wanted... I really wanted the best for her.

The limitations she put on our relationship led to some arguements, and I eventually found they were a deliberate suppressing of it by her since, although she "loved" me, she was not in love enough to not feel I was to old to marry her and have children with her eventually. I was deeply hurt, and yet we cared enough to go on and eventually for the last six weeks of the term we were super close and spent all of our free time together... and this young woman who claimed she only cried three times in her life cried deeply and sobbed for about twenty days of those six weeks over us.

As for me, I begged her to consider a life with us together, but free, loose, explorative, adventurous, etc. I told her I had lived long enough to realize that -- ultimately -- an incredible partner is worth more than any job or ambition.

And yet, it was her decision to separate, which came breaking our hearts -- clearly mine more than hers -- but in any case when it came time for the good-byes she did not change her mind... she stuck to her decision and we have now parts, and I am truly in anguish... heartsick, miserable, lost, and unable to see any future beyond work.

I need to note that she apparently had never kept ANY lover for more than about ten months -- more their choice than hers, according to her -- and that ours was likely her longest relationship. She loves her alone time almost as much as being with vital people.

I'd like to get opinions from other young and older women on many things, but especially (1) is there ANY chance she could change her mind as time moves by and she perhaps remembers what I offered her (and here its important to note she had had another older man - another ranger - as a serious lover, so I was not just an oddity. Also, she loved her older female love, but was okay breaking up with her -- despite loving her -- because publicly being a lesbian did not appeal to her). In other words., CAN I GET HER BACK???

(2) I contacted her to pick up the car and some stuff I left there at her apartment in the college town we studied in. I asked if she would let me stay with her a couple of weeks to do so but also to spend one last two-week period with her before we both left for jobs and new places. She says she feels we "already went through the pain of separation" and therefore is leaning towards it being a "bad idea". I just want it as easier transition and closure if we are to be apart, but would also of course love to see her. Is there ANYthing I can do or say to convince her...?


And, (3) How can I ever move on without being haunted by my love for this amazing, sexy, and unique human being?

[Sonrisa]

why do you even bother with her?

[HeartIsAching]

why do you even bother with her?

Easily enough answered:

Because he's immature enough to find a woman half his age sexy.

Sorry pal, but to a sufficiently evolved and enlightened male, the females we find sexy are within an appropriate age range. I couldn't possibly see someone who's young enough to be one of my children.

[Butchie]

Is this a guy answering? I think I was looking for female opinions. In any case, I explained, in detail, what I love about her. You should read it, because most of her attraction and intrigue are her mind, character, and enlightened attitudes -- she happens to be beautiful and sexy, which just make her more difficult to get over.

I came to this forum because I expected to find people that would think before they answered... not spew out a reactionary prejudice.

[chinagirl]

1. There is always a chance to get her back, but the possibility of it is probably slim because of the fact that you mentioned "she was not in love enough to marry you and have children with you". She's only 28, eventually, she's going to want to have kids with someone who can grow old with her kids.
2. No. If she wants you back, she will let you know, but no amount of begging nor convincing from you will change her mind. If anything, those actions will probably just push her farther away from you.
3. You need to find a way to find happiness within yourself without relying on someone else to make you happy. I know it's easier said than done but it is true.

I hope this helps and I wish you luck...

[surfhb]

Is this a guy answering? I think I was looking for female opinions. In any case, I explained, in detail, what I love about her. You should read it, because most of her attraction and intrigue are her mind, character, and enlightened attitudes -- she happens to be beautiful and sexy, which just make her more difficult to get over.

I came to this forum because I expected to find people that would think before they answered... not spew out a reactionary prejudice.

No dude, you came here for opinions. They may not be the ones you're looking for

[lalalita]

Hi there. I enjoyed reading your post. You're very well spoken.

I'm a female in my late twenties, just to give you some insight as to where this advice is coming from.

It seems to me that she gave you the whole bait and switch. I wouldn't be surprised if she has some very serious commitment issues, as well as issues with lying and manipulation. I can elaborate on these if you wish.

I don't see anything wrong with dating older men. I've done it.

[pcmaster]

You old pervert be grateful for what you had. No offense but thats true. Imagine yourself with 100 year old lady - dont like older ladies huh?
If seriously shes strong if she can leave someone she loves. But she did and moved on faster than you(shes younger so can move on faster). I think she planed breakup so she was kinda prepared.
In the end she have more control than you and she dont want to play theres nothing you can do. You had your fun too so be satisfied with it and move on too. Accept its over.

"They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday"
Leona Lewis

[HeartIsAching]

Is this a guy answering? I think I was looking for female opinions. In any case, I explained, in detail, what I love about her. You should read it, because most of her attraction and intrigue are her mind, character, and enlightened attitudes -- she happens to be beautiful and sexy, which just make her more difficult to get over.

I came to this forum because I expected to find people that would think before they answered... not spew out a reactionary prejudice.

Nobody pays attention to the "female/male" sections here.

I did read all of your drivel, including all of your justifications for dating someone half your age. Same crap we hear all the time. Yeah I know your situation's 'unique' - just like all of them.

[searock]

24 year old woman writing, not that it makes a difference.

(1) is there ANY chance she could change her mind as time moves by and she perhaps remembers what I offered her (and here its important to note she had had another older man - another ranger - as a serious lover, so I was not just an oddity. Also, she loved her older female love, but was okay breaking up with her -- despite loving her -- because publicly being a lesbian did not appeal to her). In other words., CAN I GET HER BACK???

You are not going to "get her back".

(2) I contacted her to pick up the car and some stuff I left there at her apartment in the college town we studied in. I asked if she would let me stay with her a couple of weeks to do so but also to spend one last two-week period with her before we both left for jobs and new places. She says she feels we "already went through the pain of separation" and therefore is leaning towards it being a "bad idea". I just want it as easier transition and closure if we are to be apart, but would also of course love to see her. Is there ANYthing I can do or say to convince her...?

No there isn't, and you REALLY should stop pestering her. Jesus.

(3) How can I ever move on without being haunted by my love for this amazing, sexy, and unique human being?

By growing the f*ck up.

[Butchie]

Wow -- really a few nasty human beings responding here - especially the men. I think that is why - (1) younger women have been attracted to me - because I'm not a bitter or prejudiced old person; and (2) why I seem naive to the negatives on here because I AM naive, even with the 28 year old, and hence my predicament. Many people hate adult men who are not strong, detached, and aggressive, but at least this younger woman gave me a chance.

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Thank you, ChinaGirl for your thoughtful and honest answer. She did tell me the younger man -- or woman -- for having kids with was a strong part of her reasoning. I never had kids --she had previously acted like she didn't want them -- so the idea that I could have had the opportunity to have them with her if I was younger really hurt deeply.

And I had finally found some happiness within myself and was dealing with a solitary life reasonably well when she came along, and suddenly, all the possibilities were there.

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Lalalita, new so I can't PM you yet... PM me and give a drop where I can leave my e-mail address.

[pcmaster]

No offense but but its kinda irritating how naive you are/want to be. You know what I noticed you have a wrong mindset to get over her. You listed all the good qualities she have but while thinking like that you will never get over her. You have to see negative in her in order to lower her value in your mind so you finally can realize that shes replaceable so you can move on. Entertain negative thoughts about her and it will be much easier for you in longterm.

Watch the third video and it will open your eyes a bit

loveforum.net/threads/85672-Guide-How-to-deal-with-breakup

[surfhb]

Wow -- really a few nasty human beings responding here - especially the men. I think that is why - (1) younger women have been attracted to me - because I'm not a bitter or prejudiced old person; and (2) why I seem naive to the negatives on here because I AM naive, even with the 28 year old, and hence my predicament. Many people hate adult men who are not strong, detached, and aggressive, but at least this younger woman gave me a chance.

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Thank you, ChinaGirl for your thoughtful and honest answer. She did tell me the younger man -- or woman -- for having kids with was a strong part of her reasoning. I never had kids --she had previously acted like she didn't want them -- so the idea that I could have had the opportunity to have them with her if I was younger really hurt deeply.

And I had finally found some happiness within myself and was dealing with a solitary life reasonably well when she came along, and suddenly, all the possibilities were there.

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Lalalita, new so I can't PM you yet... PM me and give a drop where I can leave my e-mail address.

Whatever Man! Bottom line is this girl doesn't want to be with you. How else can we help you?

[Valixy]

It's clear that she doesn't want to continue the relationship and you should respect it. If she had had any dubts, she would have expressed them, or she would have taken any of the possibilities you suggested to get closer and share some time together again. I don't think that she felt so much for you as you did and I don't think that she ever saw you as a potential life partner. You were just a temporary romance for her and there aren't possibilities for more.

It won't be easy to forget someone so special like her, but you have to be realistic and move on. She might be wonderful but she isn't the right woman for you because she doesn't feel the same for you and she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. The real wonderful thing will be when you'll meet another special woman who'll be on the same page with you. Good luck.

[smackie9]

50 year old woman here....face the reality, you are old, no matter how young you look or act, the birth certificate shows the truth. I have young friends in their twenties and thirties, play video games, party, drive a low rider PU truck, look younger than my age, never had kids, still doesn't change the fact I'm 50 years old. Tho I do find young men attractive and if single would have np dating, I'm not stupid enough to think I could find a fitting life partner in that age group.

Yes you are right she is very intelligent.....she is smart enough to make the mature decision that she needs to invest her life in someone that is more age appropriate. Accept, and move on.

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Tip: the more you embrace your age the happier you will be.