LDR to Marriage Failing, Friends but Not Lovers

[station0648]

My wife and I both come from very conservative, religious backgrounds. We dated for 2 years long distance before marriage. Things were great over the phone and internet. In person we had fun with friends and on some of the dates we went out with, but when just hanging out or being alone one on one things were disappointing. Kissing, which my wife had originally wanted to save until marriage, was awful and not for lack of experience. Attraction and physical chemistry just weren't there. I brought this issue up to some of my church leaders who assured me that this would come in time and that what was most important was our mutual love for God. Our premarriage counselor thought we were perfect for each other, we both were active in the church, we had great communication, we understood each other, we both had similar world views, etc.

My friends from college weren't so sure. One of my friends thought I was rushing into things without spending much time together and warned me that if we didn't enjoy kissing now we probably wouldn't just because we were married, and that didn't bode well for our future sex life. FWIW my wife and I came to a rough agreement that lack of satisfaction with kissing was due to her feeling guilty over being too physical before marriage. Sometimes she wanted to kiss, sometimes she didn't, sometimes she wanted to do more. They also pointed out that we came from different socioeconomic backgrounds, I had gone to a prestigious university, was working in management, and was set to go to gradschool in order to open up greater career opportunities. She never finished highschool. I had typically dated girls more on my socioeconomic level - nurses, gradstudents etc. and she didn't really know what she wanted to do with her life yet. I thought this was a dumb point of contention, since if you loved someone and you had a similar world view things like socioeconomic background shouldn't matter. Lastly, they pointed out that I was becoming more liberal e.g. voting democrat, being ok with drinking, being at least open to the idea of evolution, where as she was even more conservative than I used to be.

We had a rough first year of marriage. We went to 2 different pastors for counseling and read numerous marriage help books. Things have cleared up, at least on the surface, and my wife has been happy with how things have been recently but I still feel miserable inside. We are good friends. We have fun when we are with others or when we are out doing things usually, but there is no attraction, there is no chemistry, and this is the worst sex I've ever had in my life. Both of us had sex (with other people) before marriage, but wanted to do what we saw as the right thing in this relationship. It has nothing to do with differences in sex drive or clumsiness in the bedroom but everything to do with attraction and chemistry. Attraction also has very little to do with actual physical appearance but has to do with other things. I'm not sure if this will make sense, but have you ever been with someone who was absolutely gorgeous but when you went to kiss them or had sex it just was completely awful and you couldn't put your finger exactly on why that was? To put it bluntly we are friends but not lovers. My wife is now happy with our marriage, but I am still completely miserable.

Possibly even more detrimental to our marriage is the fact that I have recently come to terms with my agnosticism. Last year at a Bible study I noticed a discrepancy in scripture where the Gospels contradicted each other. I brought this up, fully believing there was some explanation, but there wasn't and our Bible study leader just said it was something we don't understand since humans can't fully comprehend God's greatness. Since then I've discovered numerous other contradictions and experiences and studies in graduate school have led me to believe in evolution. I have tried to bring these subjects up to my wife, pointing out things in books, or voicing my concerns over why different verses contradict each other but my wife just ignores me. I have realized that I need to sit down with her and explicitly explain my new beliefs.

My issue of concern is when to do this. I have to leave for gradschool/work related training in a little over 3 weeks and I will only rarely have access to a phone for 3 of the 5 weeks I'll be gone. There is a real possibility that my wife will want to divorce after hearing that I'm now an agnostic and that I believe in evolution (her whole life is the church and we have no kids) and I do not know if doing this before being gone for 5 weeks is fair or even smart. Our rent is up while I'm gone, which could further complicate things. I'm not sure if she would want to move our things to a new apartment if she's considering divorce and I'm not sure if it's even fair for me to put that responsibility on her while she has to deal with coming to terms with my beliefs and with me being gone. At the same time I'm not sure how much longer I can go, or if it's even fair, without being honest about my worldview. I'm not sure whether to talk about this now and then go or wait until I get back. FWIW I am 26 and she is 23, have no kids, we live states away from family, and I'm not blaming the church, my wife, family, or anyone else for this; and I am not angry at my wife or anyone else, just miserable.

[chinagirl]

You cannot continue living like this. One contented spouse does not constitute a blissful marriage. You are just two different individuals and are not compatible as a couple. Speak to her before you leave for school. Divorce is probably inevitable since you are a mismatched couple in every possible way.

[woody]

Dear Station,

Feel for your situation and though your going about it amicably, I think you ought to let her know as soon as your heart begins to feel it, which it already has been and for some time now.
If there is no chemistry, no warm inner feeling in your belly regarding human attraction AND your beliefs are no longer in line with her's to which she seems not interested in discussing, well then, be thankful you two didn't make babies because now you can do what's right for both of you and go your separate ways.

You cannot stay in a union that simply does not feel right.
When two people are in love, real, true and deep love, the connection in the bedroom is indubitably natural, right and healthy. This bond is sacred and you cannot deny yourself that.

WE are Human and Humans need to be held closely with one who it just feels right with.

Go, finish your schooling and chalk this experience up to a good lesson learned and never compromise what you know to be right in your heart for anyone or anything ever again.
She may be content to be in a marriage that lacks the ol' za za zoom' in the bedroom but this is a compromise with dire consequences.

Do not get stuck in 'limbo land'.....