Am i being disrespectful?

[Cadena]

**Please know that i am not here to air my dirty laundry, i just need to know answer to these questions so as to help my social interactions with others. Thank You**

Often i get into arguments or fights (when is a word i use lightly since fight is a strong word) over nothing. And ill say certain things which i don't think is disrespectful at all, but will start the process, if you will. I have trouble judging whether its disrespectful or not because i have aspergers syndrome which makes it difficult for me to read body language and say things bluntly.

For example, i work with my family running a vinyls business, and part of my job is to "weed" out the extra parts of vinyl from the adhesive that's not part of the customers design. Well, this takes concentration and both hands. But multiple times my mother has asked me to do something while i am weeding vinyl and when i reply with - "one second, im doing something", she will often say, "I forgot you cant multitask and thanks for being disrespectful".

• So am i being disrespectful or am i replying appropriately but its just being taken in the wrong understanding. Whats going on?

The other example is when i am doing something like working with my job coach at DARS who helps me with social interactions due to aspergers syndrome, my mother will often tell me i need to be independent and live on my own. Which i more than agree, but it is hard for me to keep a job because of my social interaction with co workers. But she will push for me to be independent and then also at the same time ask me if i have done this or that to keep up with DARS; which is clearly not allowing me to be independant. Out of frustration of not being allowed to be independant with my own affairs, i will usually say, "Stop. Dont worry about it. Just let me be worry about it."

• So how do i be independent when my mom will say i should be but wont actually allow me to be when she is consistently checking up on things that i am trying to handle on my own?
• How do i do this without sounding disrespectful or hearing,"I'm going to worry about it when im the one taking care of you!"

[basilandthyme]

Hi Cadena. Saying "one second, I am doing something" is not disrespectful. I'm not sure if your mother is over reacting or if your tone of voice is a bit off....it's kind of hard to say without being there.

I'm a little confused about the conversations you have with your mother over the DARS thing, but perhaps it would help if you told her about what you're doing and the progress you're making before she asks. If she feels included, she may not press you so much.

[Rowen]

I agree with basil; perhaps, she views your tone as threatening. So, if you haven't already, maybe try to keep your tone even and devoid of any strength that may sound argumentative. Or, if you're already trying that, my apologies because it sounds like an over-reaction.

As for DARS, I'd like to go a step further than Basil's advice and ask how old you are? It might also be a case of her still seeing you as a child and feeling the need to micromanage...but still wanting you to be on your own. My father is the same way, to an extent, with my brother; my brother owns a dairy farm and buying and selling cows. It works fine the way he has it, but when my father gets involved to try to help sometimes, he ends up still talking to my brother like he can't take care of himself and needs to be micromanaged. If this is the same case with your mother, I'd suggest trying to sit down and have a direct-communication conversation with her about all of this, saying that you love her very much and want a positive relationship with her but that you'd like her to trust you to take care of DARS on your own. Try to choose your words carefully if you do, however, so you don't come off as argumentative. I only include this because, when in doubt, direct communication is often the best way of dealing with problems when it comes to other people.

Hope this helps you some.

[Cadena]

I agree with basil; perhaps, she views your tone as threatening. So, if you haven't already, maybe try to keep your tone even and devoid of any strength that may sound argumentative. Or, if you're already trying that, my apologies because it sounds like an over-reaction.

As for DARS, I'd like to go a step further than Basil's advice and ask how old you are? It might also be a case of her still seeing you as a child and feeling the need to micromanage...but still wanting you to be on your own. My father is the same way, to an extent, with my brother; my brother owns a dairy farm and buying and selling cows. It works fine the way he has it, but when my father gets involved to try to help sometimes, he ends up still talking to my brother like he can't take care of himself and needs to be micromanaged. If this is the same case with your mother, I'd suggest trying to sit down and have a direct-communication conversation with her about all of this, saying that you love her very much and want a positive relationship with her but that you'd like her to trust you to take care of DARS on your own. Try to choose your words carefully if you do, however, so you don't come off as argumentative. I only include this because, when in doubt, direct communication is often the best way of dealing with problems when it comes to other people.

Hope this helps you some.

I understand however im 21 and have had to move in with my mom again and am working with dars in the meantime. And its not a matter of keeping her involved, its simply that she knows whats going on but will consistantly check to see if ive done this or that. Or if im keeping up with dars, and i personally believe it is a micromanaging problem. I think if she doesnt feel in control then she is uncomfortable. But my feelings aside, i understamd your point to sit down with her, but the issue is she has a tendency to take conversations like that as a insult. And often her response, will be "alright fine you dont wont me involved? Call your dad while you get on you feet!" which is not what im trying to get across. It really selective hearing.

And its frustrating because she isnt this way with my older brother, if my brother were to tell her to do something or ask something of her; she would listen and probably do it. But with me she has a whole different mentality or attitude when around me. So what am i supposed to do?

[Rowen]

Oh, that is tricky... :S

What if you were to try to work through your problems with her by attacking the root where your relationship with her is different than that of your older brother...? I know that you specified that she takes conversations like that as an insult, so would it possibly help if you try to ask her for her side of everything and how she feels? For instance, you could ask her how she feels about her relationship with you as opposed to that of your brother- if there's anything that both of you (you and her) could compromise on to try to work better together? Also, ask why she feels that way? And then you could ask her how she feels about your situation with DARS and why she feels that way. Maybe that could be the start to actually working through not just the DARS problem but your entire relationship with her in general so you're not treated worse than your brother?

It's tricky because, like you said, she has all the control with having the place where you live. And in many cases, controlling people don't know that they're controlling.

[smackie9]

Your mom is just being a mom. I'm 50 and I still get treated like a child sometimes (some comments my mom makes..my god), so get used to it. Stop blaming it on your aspergers or whatever. It's just a conflict of personalities. You can communicate more clearly with her blah blah blah, it won't make things be 100% better....it is what it is. The best thing you can do is just tune her out and carry on. All you are doing right now is letting her get under your skin. Don't let her get to you.

[CrasherRob8]

Cadena, I'm going through the same thing you are with my mom. Not exactly same situation, but my mom is acting the same way. I live with my gf and her parents (saving up money to buy a house) and my mom obviously doesn't like it. Tries to get me to move in with her and break up with my gf.

However she does still treat me like a little kid and over-reacts the same way your mom does. I am willing to bet that you are the youngest with only 1 older brother right? If so then I attribute it to your mom always seeing you as the little kid, not as a grown adult. My mom is the same way. I have 1 older brother who she treats fine, however me she treats like a little kid.

The advice I can give is to stick to your guns and keep doing what you are doing. No matter what you do your mom will always act the same way. My situation has gotten to the point where I have not talked to my mom is 6 months over her being disrespectful to my gf and trying to break us up.

[adityasingh]

Respect creates love in relations.