Sex after childbirth

[junkmale]

I need some advice on whether women can tend to go off sex after childbirth.

I have taken a very long time to deal with this, and I will tell you why. I have been with a woman for 18 years and after 3 years we had a child. Before we had our son I would say we had a very regular, healthy sex life. Maybe a bit vanilla but certainly satisfying. After my son was born my partner went off sex almost completely. I can say that since then sex has only happened when I have initiated it and it has almost always been perfunctory and not satisfying. This has got worse in recent years. I don't know if this is unusual or not. Apart from that we get on well, although I have always been frustrated that she doesn't really take an interest in what I am feeling.

I would expect sex to become less frequent as relationships get older but it seems to me that the childbirth might have changed things. We have only had sex once in the last year and partly that is because I am aware she doesn't really want it - I don't want to 'demand' sex, that's no fun for me either.

Recently I've been sorting my head out with some Mindfulness therapy and one of the things that's come out of that is I need more (or at lease some) sex (and generally more intimacy of the emotiaonal kind too). We have a laugh but there is no spark and I feel she isn't very interested in me, although I am not sure she ever was exactly demonstrative.

I love my partner, but it feels more and more like we are just good friends. I don't want finish our relationship but I have normal needs to be satisfied. What can I do?

[Wakeup]

When is the last time the two of you went out without a child in tow? Dated like you did when you first were trying to get into her pants? Showed her that she was the center of your attention? Whens the last time you grabbed her ass while giving her a big passionate kiss while she was making your dinner?

[junkmale]

When is the last time the two of you went out without a child in tow? Dated like you did when you first were trying to get into her pants? Showed her that she was the center of your attention? Whens the last time you grabbed her ass while giving her a big passionate kiss while she was making your dinner?

We do that stuff, but to be frank it's always me who makes these sorts of arrangements, which it shouldn't be. I don't get surprises from her and I think the relationship is too one-sided like that. She doesn't make dinner, I do - we share the housework. To be honest she gets plenty of attention from me.

[Wakeup]

What kind of "attention?" does she get from you? There is a reason that for the last 15 years you've not had a satisfying sex life. If you've not tried to rectify this for all that time then I don't think you're going to rectify it now that its become a lifestyle. So: Whatever you've always done to get her aroused, it suggest you stop doing that and try something completely new... for both of you.

Maybe some sessions with a psychosexual therapist will get the husband/wife sexual connection back and steer the two of you away from only the Mother/Father role (she's fallen into since the birth of your child)?

- - - Updated - - -

What kind of "attention?" does she get from you? There is a reason that for the last 15 years you've not had a satisfying sex life. If you've not tried to rectify this for all that time then I don't think you're going to rectify it now that its become a lifestyle. So: Whatever you've always done to get her aroused, i suggest you stop doing that and try something completely new... for both of you.

Maybe some sessions with a psychosexual therapist will get the husband/wife sexual connection back and steer the two of you away from only the Mother/Father role (she's fallen into since the birth of your child)?

[dem862]

Generally, the man is in charge of the sex and romance department in the relationship. We have to set the mood, etc. You really have to keep doing it to learn what turns each other on. It's like exercising. If you stop, you become deconditioned. It sounds like you are resentful because she is not taking the active role. But you are presumably the one with the balls and the testosterone. I believe that is the cause of the angst you are feeling. You should really be communicating with her to find out what is going on. Maybe she is equally frustrated that you are not taking the active male role.

[basilandthyme]

Junkmale, what does she say when you discuss this with her? Is she happy with how things are or does she wish she had or old libido back?

[sophiawri]

I think you would communicate with some specialist.

[michelle23]

To answer your qs: is it because of childbirth? The short answer is no. Most women go back to normal within 6months. Sometimes it can be medical/hormonal and if it is-women are advised to see a doctor after 6months if their libido is not back to normal.

Did you and your wife ever communicate about her sexual needs? What turns her on? The amount of foreplay she needs? Whether she orgasms or not?

Some women fake it so much during the first few years that it just becomes a chore and they cant get into it coz they know they wont enjoy it which isnt your fault. Its a lack of communication.

[Belleann]

To answer your qs: is it because of childbirth? The short answer is no. Most women go back to normal within 6months. Sometimes it can be medical/hormonal and if it is-women are advised to see a doctor after 6months if their libido is not back to normal.

Did you and your wife ever communicate about her sexual needs? What turns her on? The amount of foreplay she needs? Whether she orgasms or not?

Some women fake it so much during the first few years that it just becomes a chore and they cant get into it coz they know they wont enjoy it which isnt your fault. Its a lack of communication.

I have to agree. I can't tell you how many times I've heard from my married or divorced male friends about this exact problem and they always ask me is what's up with that. I have to to say after I had my son, sexually I had no problem bouncing back there's more than one way to skin a cat,

[michelle23]

ya more than likely shes just not satisfied. It could be emotionally shes unhappy too-that turns a lot of women off sex

[basilandthyme]

To answer your qs: is it because of childbirth? The short answer is no. Most women go back to normal within 6months. Sometimes it can be medical/hormonal and if it is-women are advised to see a doctor after 6months if their libido is not back to normal.

Michelle, I'm wondering how many mother's groups you've sat around in discussing this issue. Because I can tell you that while some women do bounce right back (it didn't take me long) there are a whole lot of women who take a lot longer than six months. I know a number who joke about their subsequent children being immaculate conceptions.

I'd like to see you make this statement in a group of a dozen women who have 10 month old babies

[michelle23]

Yes because they are probably tired-not because they have no sex drive. Thats a hormonal issue that needs professional help.

[basilandthyme]

Yes because they are probably tired-not because they have no sex drive.

It's one and the same. Tiredness is a major cause of loss of sex drive. If a young mother told me her libido was absent, the first thing I'd be querying is how tired she is. That being said, the OPs wife apparently does not have an infant.

I wish he'd come back - I've got ideas, but he didn't answer my question about how she feels about it all.

[TablesandChairs]

After 18 years and 3 kids, relationships take some work. The sexual attraction that was felt earlier in the relationships tends to fade - people get busy, tired, kids are demanding on time and energy and so forth. But, sex once in 12 months is getting too complacent.

Is she sad? Unhappy? Tired? Is there a medical issue (hormones, the contraceptive Pill can also diminish sex drive). You need to open a non-accusatory discussion, one where you tell her how you feel but pay just as much attention to how she feels. It doesn't sound like you want 'it' every day, not by far - but you're right in saying that without intimacy, it's easy to become glorified house-mates and that can become pretty unsatisfying long-term. You need to have open, honest communication - there might be things you're not aware of, things you could do to make her feel less stressed out...I don't know what the situation is so it's hard to say. If she tries to dismiss your concerns, stick your ground - tell her that you deserve to be heard just as much as she does and that you are willing to do what it takes to get your relationship back from 'friends' to 'couple', provided she's on board.

[Popsicle]

Yes, I think many do go off sex after childbirth. Why? I have no idea.