Sexy selfies

[Rowen]

I think it's perfectly fair that I have urges toward polygyny, especially considering I have been open with her about it. Granted, it took some snooping on her part to discover this, but once caught, I was honest with her about it, and have been honest since.

^ And everyone is okay with this quote? Seriously?

Look, what you do in your bedroom and on your time is on you entirely... But let me put this into perspective; you're on here because you're upset about her wandering away and cheating...yet you're no angel either with your sexual proposals. So, essentially, you're creating a double standard. And it's more than obvious that neither of you trusts the other, so all that's ever going to happen is that you and her will screw around on each other time and time again...hurting one another over and over and never truly giving a shit.

My advice is this: Leave now. Learn how to be faithful without having to be caught. Then, you should have a little better chance living above a double standard and having a healthy relationship where you're not cheated on either.

[chinagirl]

Emotional cheating, no matter how you look at it, is still cheating. No excuse for that. Repeatedly exchanging messages and pictures with the other guy despite your numerous request for her to stop makes her a "cold" person who totally disregards your feelings about her indiscretion. Calculating because she knows exactly what she's doing.

- - - Updated - - -

Contacting random women with sexual proposal equates to lack of self control.

[Valixy]

^ And everyone is okay with this quote? Seriously?

Look, what you do in your bedroom and on your time is on you entirely... But let me put this into perspective; you're on here because you're upset about her wandering away and cheating...yet you're no angel either with your sexual proposals. So, essentially, you're creating a double standard. And it's more than obvious that neither of you trusts the other, so all that's ever going to happen is that you and her will screw around on each other time and time again...hurting one another over and over and never truly giving a shit.

My advice is this: Leave now. Learn how to be faithful without having to be caught. Then, you should have a little better chance living above a double standard and having a healthy relationship where you're not cheated on either.

I must spread some reputation, Rowen, but that is a great post!

[chinagirl]

And according to your personality type your supposed to be intuitive and a thinker... Use it to make the best possible decision for both of you.

[nico88]

^ And everyone is okay with this quote? Seriously?

Look, what you do in your bedroom and on your time is on you entirely... But let me put this into perspective; you're on here because you're upset about her wandering away and cheating...yet you're no angel either with your sexual proposals. So, essentially, you're creating a double standard. And it's more than obvious that neither of you trusts the other, so all that's ever going to happen is that you and her will screw around on each other time and time again...hurting one another over and over and never truly giving a shit.

My advice is this: Leave now. Learn how to be faithful without having to be caught. Then, you should have a little better chance living above a double standard and having a healthy relationship where you're not cheated on either.

Preach Rowen. That was top notch, bro.

[masticate]

Look, what you do in your bedroom and on your time is on you entirely... But let me put this into perspective; you're on here because you're upset about her wandering away and cheating...yet you're no angel either with your sexual proposals. So, essentially, you're creating a double standard. And it's more than obvious that neither of you trusts the other, so all that's ever going to happen is that you and her will screw around on each other time and time again...hurting one another over and over and never truly giving a shit.

My advice is this: Leave now. Learn how to be faithful without having to be caught. Then, you should have a little better chance living above a double standard and having a healthy relationship where you're not cheated on either.

lol.

Well I never said I was an angel. I thought I hinted pretty strongly that I was partly responsible for this behavior and that I am willing to shoulder some of the blame. It doesn't make you wrong in your advice, but your analysis is a little bit off.

Some of you have been decently open minded but for the most part you've basically not grasped one important thing, and this relates directly to the +rep post of above: is that I am not here to whine about this or for a pity party. I'm here to see if anybody has been through it before or has some professional training in this kind of thing or some personal experience who can help me put this relationship back together rather than discard it. So far she swears up and down that she has been totally monogamous with me and I am very tempted to believe it. So are there any polygynysts here or are you all going to sit back and coach me down the nice flowery path of 'loyalty'?

I certainly appreciate every hint of advice that I get but it seems like some people are putting a little too much effort into supporting their own personal views and not being open to the possibility of other perspectives. For example, it appears that one or two of you believe that this relationship is totally destroyed and we are not going about polyamory the right way. I believe that it's likely akin to many other deviant sexualities, such as sadomasochism, which may be an inherent part of an individual's personality and can take years to come to the surface.

I'll reiterate something else, and this is something she and I have been discussing for the past few hours (as she is now home)... and that is that I have been willing to grant her the freedom she needs to express herself as she wants to and come back to me, and she understands how this is fundamentally different from choosing to do the same thing without, as you put it, giving a shit. She has explained that she has feelings of overwhelming remorse regarding the three separate photo incidents. It's a really tough pill to swallow but she's assured me that she is willing to do everything I ask of her to repair this relationship. I have explained to her that it would be easier if she was just honest about it, then I might not forbid anything at all. That's just it, people. I'm willing to be supportive of her right to be a human being but she has to be honest with me. I think she understands it now but who the **** knows right?

I don't see how (this is in regards to china's comment about intuition and thinking) ... I don't see how it is particularly logical to walk away from this situation. It could be years before I attract another mate. It could never happen. Right now, I DO NOT HAVE enough proof (and this is in reference to the sherlock comments on page1), and it pertains directly to the thinking function - I do not have enough proof that she deserves to be dumped after this many years/attempts to rebuild. Is it throwing good money after bad? Some of you seem to think so but she tells me she is very committed to me. I think for now I will tentatively wait and see if anything changes, such as more pictures arrive in my inbox or SB finally replies to me with more information. I get that it's funny to joke around about detective work but honestly how the hell else do you make decisions? By your gut? Tarot cards?

I need more proof or else it is NOT FAIR to cast such harsh judgement on her.

I'm not sure what kind of mental image I've given you through these posts and I'm sure it could be all kinds of crazy, but she really is a decent person, and so am I. She has explained to me a second time, now with more vigor, that she probably was a little bit starved for attention. I have let her know that she should tell me when she feels this way, so I might have the opportunity to improve something, rather than tapping the well (of attention) she has kept in the backyard all these years.

I have had a few discussions with her about some topics that were raised, particularly regarding the fact that she has kept 2 men around, her entire life: SB, and her primary; that her instinct is to return directly to him whenever there is issue with her primary mate. She feels disgusted with herself about this concept, worded this way, and can't resolve her feelings with her behavior. She is truly disturbed by this and I believe that I could not discard her so hatefully.

- - - Updated - - -

And according to your personality type your supposed to be intuitive and a thinker... Use it to make the best possible decision for both of you.

I agree that it would be selfish of me to coerce her into a polyamorous relationship she can't handle, or even staying with me at all, but she is literally unwilling to let me go.

Then again,

she appears to be unwilling to let SB go, even though she has reassured me that ... he's gone...etc

[lalalita]

Relationships worth anything do not require this much leg work. Sheesh.

[Rowen]

I get that it's funny to joke around about detective work but honestly how the hell else do you make decisions? By your gut? Tarot cards?

I need more proof or else it is NOT FAIR to cast such harsh judgement on her.

First of all, you really don't need to write such long posts. If you're genuinely here for advice, they're only making you sound like you're here for validation.
Second, being logical about not assuming anything is understandable. But once you find evidence, which you ALREADY HAVE-mind you (Really, I think it's mind boggling that you can't face the fact that she's cheating and that you shouldn't need to wait for more evidence.), you should get a sac, fill it with some balls, and get on with your life. No offense, of course- I know I'm being blunt right now- but come on... You know the pics were sent to this guy. You know she lied to you about him. You know so much about it...don't hold onto hope thinking that some magical turn of events is going to occur in which you'll discover it was all a big, romantic misunderstanding.

Have you ever heard of Ockham's Razor? I'll sum it up: when faced with a situation and a specific outcome, that which is the simplest explanation is most often the correct one... I know it hurts to accept. I know how badly you want things to magically work out...but it's time to grab your testicles, pick them up off the floor, and move on. I'm sorry, but it's the only way. If you stay, it's only going to be that much worse for both of you. Leave now. Give yourself a chance to learn how to have a truly healthy relationship with someone; give her that same chance.

You're not jumping to conclusions if you do. No one is going to walk up to you and say, "You ****ed up. It's all your fault." Why? Because if they did, they're- again, sorry to be blunt- a ****ing moron. She had a choice and chose to be unfaithful, just as you had before. She could have lived above you being unfaithful and chose not to be spiteful, if that's even the case. She didn't. Therefore, none of it is your fault. There's no need to play detective. There is, however, a need for you to allow yourself to heal and accept what is going on.

[masticate]

First of all, you really don't need to write such long posts. If you're genuinely here for advice, they're only making you sound like you're here for validation.
Second, being logical about not assuming anything is understandable. But once you find evidence, which you ALREADY HAVE-mind you (Really, I think it's mind boggling that you can't face the fact that she's cheating and that you shouldn't need to wait for more evidence.), you should get a sac, fill it with some balls, and get on with your life. No offense, of course- I know I'm being blunt right now- but come on... You know the pics were sent to this guy. You know she lied to you about him. You know so much about it...don't hold onto hope thinking that some magical turn of events is going to occur in which you'll discover it was all a big, romantic misunderstanding.

Have you ever heard of Ockham's Razor? I'll sum it up: when faced with a situation and a specific outcome, that which is the simplest explanation is most often the correct one... I know it hurts to accept. I know how badly you want things to magically work out...but it's time to grab your testicles, pick them up off the floor, and move on. I'm sorry, but it's the only way. If you stay, it's only going to be that much worse for both of you. Leave now. Give yourself a chance to learn how to have a truly healthy relationship with someone; give her that same chance.

You're not jumping to conclusions if you do. No one is going to walk up to you and say, "You ****ed up. It's all your fault." Why? Because if they did, they're- again, sorry to be blunt- a ****ing moron. She had a choice and chose to be unfaithful, just as you had before. She could have lived above you being unfaithful and chose not to be spiteful, if that's even the case. She didn't. Therefore, none of it is your fault. There's no need to play detective. There is, however, a need for you to allow yourself to heal and accept what is going on.

Ok, thanks!!

[HeartIsAching]

Good lord. Can I get the Cliff Notes?

[masticate]

Good lord. Can I get the Cliff Notes?

Uh sure,

my GF has lied to me for over four years about not contacting her ex,
in addition to this she has lied about many other things pertaining to him.

Our relationship has trust issues.

Everybody here thinks it's over.

_

[Valixy]

What kind of relationship do you think you can build after 3 years of lack of trust on both sides and her continuous emotional affair with SB? You can't stand her texting the guy, so why do you think you could have an open relationship?

You say that she'd agree with everything now, even things like her being monogamous but allowing you not to be... My opinion is that she is just feeling very bad for the pictures you discovered and she can't stand the thought that this would be the last thing you'll associate her with for the rest of your life. I've met girls who decided to stay in a relationship just to make the guy change their opinion on them and ended the relationship much easier later. While you found the courage to express your unusual sexual preferences to her in the past, she still can't admit that she might not be that perfect pure kind of girlfriend you'd expect her to be and she'll have to struggle a bit to balance these different tendencies in her life.

I don't think that any of you has found this relationship very fulfilling, hence the many secrets and troubles and if you'd agree to her becoming monogamous now while you could not be, you'd simple abuse a moment when she's feeling terribly low and conflicted. Maybe you should stop making her feel like she's some kind of horrible person, after all you've had your own indiscretions, find some peace of mind both of you and go separate ways.

[masticate]

What kind of relationship do you think you can build after 3 years of lack of trust on both sides and her continuous emotional affair with SB? You can't stand her texting the guy, so why do you think you could have an open relationship?

Because it is not the guilty act, but the guilty mind that infuriates me. The same way it infuriates society at large and provokes the judicial system into administering harsh punishment to guilty people.

I think it is fair that if she has given me a chance in the past then I owe it to her now. She gave me a chance to come clean, and she gave me another one, so I think that not forgiving her now would be a total abuse of her good will and a waste of her time as well as mine. We've both put time into this and her message to me right now at home is that she's committed to our relationship. It will probably be years or never before any kind of structured change of that intensity happens but I still owe it to her to try if she wants to.

She has her chance to come clean. This is now the third (thus, final) distinct instance that she's told me she is done with ever speaking to SB and maintains she has not seen him in person since months before I met her. If ever this is revealed as a lie I know I can commit to leaving town.

You say that she'd agree with everything now, even things like her being monogamous but allowing you not to be... My opinion is that she is just feeling very bad for the pictures you discovered and she can't stand the thought that this would be the last thing you'll associate her with for the rest of your life. I've met girls who decided to stay in a relationship just to make the guy change their opinion on them and ended the relationship much easier later. While you found the courage to express your unusual sexual preferences to her in the past, she still can't admit that she might not be that perfect pure kind of girlfriend you'd expect her to be and she'll have to struggle a bit to balance these different tendencies in her life.

Your opinion on her feelings is probably very accurate.
I'm not asking her to be monogamous, I'm just asking her to be honest. She professed her undying monogamy to me of course but I'm not sure I've demanded it of her (at least lately).

I don't think that any of you has found this relationship very fulfilling, hence the many secrets and troubles and if you'd agree to her becoming monogamous now while you could not be, you'd simple abuse a moment when she's feeling terribly low and conflicted. Maybe you should stop making her feel like she's some kind of horrible person, after all you've had your own indiscretions, find some peace of mind both of you and go separate ways.

This has also occurred to me and my answer is that I'm not going to push the issue of entertaining company. I'm perfectly aware that it was a fleeting moment of desperation on her part and that her rational side holds the idea in utter contempt. I would not abuse this.

[smackie9]

How to fix? You both have to want to change. It takes two to tango, and if one or both don't see that they need to, then there is nothing you can do about it, except leave. And from what has been posted she doesn't want to, so where does that lead you huh.

You got OCD / ADHD something? Nice wall of texts lol.

[masticate]

How to fix? You both have to want to change. It takes two to tango, and if one or both don't see that they need to, then there is nothing you can do about it, except leave.

You got OCD / ADHD something? Nice wall of texts lol.

Walls of text.