Sexy selfies

[masticate]

I have a long story to tell with lots of detail. Please bear with me as I must get it all out; I have nobody to talk to about this.

I will try to keep everything linear and organized, as I have said - this is a long story with lots going on. OH, if you're a MBTI enthusiast, so am I. I am INTJ and she is ISFJ.

~~

I'll start by saying that my girlfriend and I have been 'official' since October 2009. When we began courting in September, she confessed that she was in a seven-month 'dry spell'.

The relationship started off pretty well, except that I occasionally noticed she was still receiving a lot of texts from guys. I wanted to be cool and trust her so I didn't think much of it, but by February/March 2010 (four months in) I started to get suspicious. I made a note of two names in particular that text her: SB and NS. SB will be the chief character in this story but NS has a small supporting role.

I didn't confront her about it until March, when I finally had enough of her texting "SB" back and forth, all the time, even while we were in the car together, at home together, etc... She willingly agreed to stop contacting him and when he persisted I contacted him myself via FB and explained she was with me and he should leave it alone. He replied by saying "good luck". By this time she and I were staying in a room together at my friend's place and about to get our own place, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting too deep into a bad situation. She put my mind at ease and assured me she was done talking to him because it is what I wanted.

So life carried on and we had all your typical relationship problems (snooping, mistrust, fights about sex, etc...) but for the most part things were going well.

Sometime in 2011, probably around July, I noticed she had been contacted again by "NS" via facebook. I didn't care very much except for the fact that she didn't tell me about it and he mentioned something about having 'the right to keep tabs on her' so I was prompted to reply directly to him, as I had done with SB in the past, and explain that she was with me and he does not have the 'right to keep tabs' to which he replied most defensively, exclaiming that he just wanted to 'catch up' and I was making a big deal over nothing. I talked to her about it and she assured me that they had just been friends and had no romantic history, and she wasn't going to see him or even speak to him.

More time passes, and it is April 2012. She has left her facebook open on the coffee table so I went into her messages and discovered she had attempted (and failed) to delete a conversation, it had been archived instead. It was only a partial conversation, dated March 2011 ... meaning that there was a beginning and ending that had been successfully deleted (or happened via other media) however this middle section had not:

GF: Hey
SB: hey
GF: So the argument was about how I don't give enough head
SB: are you serious?
SB: does he reciprocate at least?

And that was it.

So this conversation was over a year old when I discovered it, and it was dated about one year after she promised me she would not speak to him. It divulged private information about a fight we had about our sex life. Needless to say I was very angry when I discovered it, most of all due to the fact that there was more to it that I was not privy to. We had a brief spat over this and she assured me once more that she never talks to him and this was a one-time thing over a year old that she did because she didn't know who else to turn to after our fight and she said she just had to talk to 'a guy' about it. I let her know I did not approve of her sharing these details, and that was when I began inquiry into the nature of her past relationship with him. She also said there was basically nothing else to the conversation and that she barely spoke to him about it.

Around this time we finally talked about our sexual histories and she revealed I was her fourth lover, and at least one of the three prior was a long term relationship. She did not get into details regarding the other two, and I asked about SB, and she said that yes they dated but she never had sex with him, then I got her to admit she did give him head. So I have made this connection between her talking about head to a guy she has given head to, and thus commences the serious tension revolving around SB and his place in our relationship.

The rest of 2012 passes rather uneventfully, with us having semi-frequent fights about things like sex, and manipulation, control,.. all the regular bullshit... all the while SB is in the back of my mind and I can't seem to forget about that conversation.

July-August 2013 things aren't getting much better and we decide we might break up. It was a tough decision and we agreed not to rush it and let things play out naturally. We both agreed to move into different places the following month and sell most of our stuff. She has been invited to a 'party' by a mutual female friend of ours and I didn't protest, as I thought it would be good for her and I trusted she wasn't out to jump on any dicks right away as she was the one who really did not want to end our relationship. Later that evening (about 1 AM) she texts me saying she wants a ride but isn't ready yet, and within 20 minutes of that she is ready to go and sending me a storm of texts about how she doesn't want our relationship to end and it's not right and this isn't what she wants etc... I ended up arriving at this 'party' around 2:30 AM to get her and that is when I realized it was a party of 3 - my gf, our mutual friend, and her bf. Anybody else smell a threesome gone wrong?? I totally crashed this guy's party, so at first he's trying to feed me shots to get me drunk, and be dominant with me, but I was there simply to remove the woman... and he began to comment on the disparity between my size and his, that I am physically larger, but it won't matter because he has guns all over his apartment and he can shoot me in a flash. It really was that random, that he threatened me like that, so anyway I didn't back down and he ended up telling us to leave and slamming his bedroom door, apparently on his merry way to go lay a beat down on our friend R.

So we each rent a room, move out, and within six weeks of sporadic dating and sleepovers, decide we do want to be together after all. We've still both been monogamous (apparently) and we agree to buy a condo (in her name) and move in together and start over. The condo has a second bedroom and we are paying exactly half of everything so if we break up I have my own room for a while until I can move out, and when we sell she has agreed to give me half the proceeds as long as I keep paying half the mortgage. She moves into my room (the one I'm renting) while we wait for the sale to close and then we move in together to the condo January 2014. The last time we talked/fought about SB was December 2013.

Fast forward a bit: January to May 2014 we have been getting along fairly well, except for one or two big fights, which have become sort of a monthly or bi-monthly event that always culminates in me telling her I want to break up and her begging me not to (it really does happen like that).

So recently I have noticed she is being protective of her phone again so I assumed SB had begun to contact her again. Yesterday I accessed her iPad and saw a message from a number which hadn't been saved as a contact, it was two unanswered texts that said "hey", one from April, and one from 30 minutes before I checked... so very recent. I put the number into Google and SB came up as a hit, his website has the number advertised on it under his name so I knew for sure it was him.

At this point, I took it upon myself to text him back with my own phone, and when he asked who it was I just said "me". We then began a conversation and I was able to pass as her for a few hours, wherein I tried my hand with female flirting techniques (nothing overt, simply being coy and slightly suggestive). I wanted information... as by this point I obviously didn't completely trust anything she has ever said about him, so I launched this covert investigation for the sake of reconnaissance. So I proceeded to invite him over and make plans for later and stuff, just dragging him along, and he sends me a selfie (not indecent) and asks for one in exchange. I briefly considered nabbing one of her selfies off her iPad to play along but I just kept brushing it off and leading him on. When she got home from work and was comfortable I sat down with her and began to talk it over. I started by confessing I had been on her iPad and noticed that she had this text. She began to cry and say that she's tried everything, he contacts her semi-regularly and she never answers him, and it's to the point of harassment now, where she just wants to change her number and forget about him.

When I returned to my text conversation I revealed that I was actually me not her, and then I explained to him everything she just said to me. He said 'fine, I will block you both and be done' but then he sent me a picture, and my heart just sank. It was a photo of her in front of a mirror that she had taken of herself, with her shirt and bra removed and pants undone in the front. She had her hands over her breasts. I was able to date the photo approximately because a tattoo was visible, which she got in July 2013, as well as all this jewelry she was wearing that I had bought for her over the years. She groaned and said yes she knew about it, she had taken it that night in August when we broke up and she went to that 'party'. She said she took it for herself to feel sexy and then our mutual friend, R, had sent it to him after she showed her the photo. I asked how she sent it to him of all people and then it was explained that SB had been texting her that night, randomly; it was a pure coincidence that he contacted her the day we broke up and she went out. So I did not believe this, I thought it was a lie for sure. I believe that she contacted him regarding our breakup and he requested this photo.

So I replied to SB, fairly casually, that I wasn't that bothered by it, but it had been made obvious at that point that this was a reconnaissance investigation, so he said he had more pictures. I negotiated with him a bit and he agreed to send another, this one had obviously been taken immediately after the first one, only this time her pants had also been removed (still wearing underwear) and she had revealed her breasts in full. She denied knowledge that this picture had been sent to him; she only thought the first one was sent and that she didn't realize our friend, R, sent both pictures. This too, I thought was a lie.

Given that during our text conversation, SB asked me for pictures, repeatedly, it's not far fetched to believe that he has done so in the past, and considering he actually has some, it seems obvious that she obliged him. Anyway, we began to discuss her relationship with SB in more detail and she openly confesses that she lied about her history with him, that they did have sex in the past. He was her rebound after her break up with her first lover, and they carried on for a few weeks or whatever. She also confesses that the other two lovers she's been with were all around the same time, so she had been with 80% of her lifetime's supply of men within a four week period, then commenced her 'seven month dry spell' before we started.

Needless to say I was pretty sore that she lied to me about her sexual history, especially regarding SB, the one person that has caused so much tension in our relationship. She had me believe I was her fourth and not her fifth. Now, I know almost all girls lie about this, but for the duration of our relationship I believed that she was not a liar. I explained to her that if the photos were sent by mistake, which is her story, then there would have been no harm in telling me about it. I explained to her that if he is indeed harassing her, then she should let me know and be open about it, otherwise I am disinclined to believe her. I explained to her how hurt I was that she was willing to take it to the GRAVE, that he had pictures of her tits and I didn't know about it ... she would have NEVER told me if I didn't do what I did yesterday.

So although he has sent me two very sexy selfies of her that are less than one year old, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She said she had never sent him any other pictures (and I told her that he still claims to have more), she was willing to call his bluff basically,... well somebody was bluffing for sure and it wasn't me. I was able to negotiate further with SB and he provided yet another photo of her, this one was much older... but I knew we were still together because I noticed her belly-button piercing had been removed and there was a scar (she removed it during our relationship, right around March 2010, which is incidentally the exact same time that I was interfering with their first bout of texting.) It wasn't that suggestive, she had just lifted her shirt part way over her bra and photographed her body, but he said he had even more yet. She claims to 'not even remember doing it' but that hardly matters to me, as it was obviously taken at the exact time I asked her to stop contacting him, five months into our relationship. If I knew about it at that time, I would have left her for good, and not ever had to deal with any of this shit.

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I am only half done my story lol but the forum won't let me post anymore, if somebody replies then I might be able to add the rest.

[Valixy]

What happened before you two were together shouldn't be part of your story, but what happened after you got together is very disappointing. Do you honestly believe that those pictures were sent to him by mistake? That simply can't be true and it's just one of the many lies she's said while you've been together.

I don't blame you for snooping, weak partners who need constant reassurance through media, keep inappropriate contact with ex-es and like sending/receiving ''sexy pics'' from other weak pathetic human beings, can make one play the police role instead of the proud level-headed lover one should be, but you've left this go too far and for too long. Being with her transforms you in a weak, bitter and insecure partner who you shouldn't be. Can't you do better in your life than keeping someone like her around you? It was unpleasant just to read your story, living it must feel pretty awful.

My advice for you is to leave her and her stupid ridiculous never ending lies and indiscretions and start fresh. Go zero contact and look for someone who's honest and decent and deserves you investing your time and attention.

This relationship has been broken for a long time and can't be fixed anymore.

[masticate]

(Thank you for replying Valixy as I may now finish my story, then I will reply to you afterward)

At this point, it's safe to recapitulate all of the confirmed lies she has told:

1. She's done with texting him (she wasn't)
2. There are no more pictures (there were)
3. She never had sex with him (she did)
4. He was an old boyfriend (he was a hookup/rebound, as were her other lovers, except the first)

Now, I should emphasize, she is crying some crocodile tears while this is all happening, and trying to show sincere shame and remorse, as I've explained to her that it wasn't fair to conceal her sluttiness from me if she expected me to be her life-partner. I explained that this was just more of the same manipulation and controlling that she has exhibited from Day 1 (censoring information and telling half truths in order to influence my feelings about her, is MANIPULATION).

As the night progresses, "NS" gets brought up briefly (remember him, the "old friend" who she has no romantic history with?)... Turns out she sucked his dick too, and they engaged in foreplay, almost sex, but she was still a virgin as they were teens and they never actually ****ed. I explained to her that I don't have a right to judge her too harshly about her past before we met however I have every right to be angry about the fact that she conceals information to manipulate me into loving her. Another thing to point out, is when she was contacting SB via facebook about our sex life, it was March 2011, and then "NS" came into the picture very soon afterward, although I didn't discover the SB thing until a year later.

So where are we at now? She is expressing deep shame and guilt and says she feels sick over what happened, only, this is a predictable reaction that she exhibits over and over, and it involves reassuring me that she only wants me and she can't bear the thought of losing me... only, she's done this before, and then continued with the selfies, and I had NO IDEA about the selfies until he sent that to me yesterday. As we were winding down, I told her that he says he has more pictures on his computer that are from within the last four years... meaning they are illicit. I said if she comes clean with me and doesn't lie then I will be less angry than if she says there are no more and more turn up. So she professes there "might be" another picture, but she "can't remember" if she actually sent it or not. I pressured her, and then she finally admits, that, yes, she probably sent it. I asked which photo, and it was one of a set of sexy Boudoir photos she had taken specially for me last summer and presented to me in a nice keepsake album. So I grabbed the album and asked which photo, and she points it out, and I completely destroyed the photo album and denounced her as a total slut and said I didn't want it anymore. I tore it apart and threw it to the ground, and said I was glad she told me because if she hadn't and I found out, it would be over for good.

When I asked why she did it, she admitted it was probably because he compliments her upon receipt of the photos and she likes the attention.

So she is very apologetic and wants to carry on this relationship and has promised me to never speak to him again. She said she wants to make me another sexy album, this time for my eyes only, and that she feels extremely sick and remorseful about what she has done. Furthermore, she is constantly assuring me a few things:

1. She hasn't seen SB in person since before I met her
2. She hasn't had physical contact with SB at all in our relationship
3. She never contacts him and those pictures really were sent by mistake.
4. THERE ARE NO MORE PHOTOS

At this point in time I have expressed gratitude to SB for cooperating with my investigation and have emailed him to request confirmation regarding the above points, particularly that they haven't
physically seen each other since before I met her, over five years ago. I am eagerly awaiting his response, as well as yours. ~~

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What happened before you two were together shouldn't be part of your story, but what happened after you got together is very disappointing. Do you honestly believe that those pictures were sent to him by mistake? That simply can't be true and it's just one of the many lies she's said while you've been together.

I don't blame you for snooping, weak partners who need constant reassurance through media, keep inappropriate contact with ex-es and like sending/receiving ''sexy pics'' from other weak pathetic human beings, can make one play the police role instead of the proud level-headed lover one should be, but you've left this go too far and for too long. Being with her transforms you in a weak, bitter and insecure partner who you shouldn't be. Can't you do better in your life than keeping someone like her around you? It was unpleasant just to read your story, living it must feel pretty awful.

My advice for you is to leave her and her stupid ridiculous never ending lies and indiscretions and start fresh. Go zero contact and look for someone who's honest and decent and deserves you investing your time and attention.

This relationship has been broken for a long time and can't be fixed anymore.

You are right that her past shouldn't matter, except for the fact that it was clearly interfering with the present (which in turn was interfering with the future).

I honestly do not believe those photos were sent by mistake. As I have said, I believe she contacted him about the break-up and he requested the photos and she obliged. The way she blamed her friend and denied any involvement sounds pretty much like a thirteen year old who just got busted for smoking pot by his principal.

You are also right about letting it go "too far and too long"... as I have mentioned, I was trying to be cool about it, but I have my own transgressions as well, which she holds in slight disdain but has mostly forgiven me for (I have a brief history of contacting random women that I don't even know with sexual proposals... as always, they say "hell no", but she has caught me doing it by doing her own snooping.) I realize this adds another dimension to her side of the story, but the difference is that these 'transgressions' were very brief and I never followed through, and I never put serious effort into cheating with somebody I know from the past.

Yes, it was an unpleasant story. I feel terrible about myself, as does she. This relationship really needs to end, but she wants to try so bad to make it work.

Last night she even said she was willing to lift any restrictions of monogamy from me, but remain monogamous herself. So I don't know what kind of devilish trickery this is, but isn't that the ideal relationship for a 25 year old man? The thing is, I have brought up polyamory with her before, suggesting perhaps she is still a little bit into him and maybe she would like to bring him around. I believe this is just testament to the fact that I have been trying very hard to be open minded with her relationship with him and give her the freedom she needs to be happy in life.

Instead of agreeing to an open polyamorous relationship, she instead decides that she wants to remain monogamous, and send selfies on the side? lol.

[Valixy]

Your cheating tendencies do offer a different dimension to your story. You need to take responsibility of the damage you caused to your relationship and might have put your damsel in distress. She's still a weak pathetic attention seeker but so are you.

You need to ask yourself what you really want then. Continue this unhappy destructive relationship and try to turn it into a poligamy one? You have both been very hurt by each other's indiscretions, I can't see this working. Shouldn't relationships be in a good state and partners have a good rapport when they decide for something like that? You've had three years of ups and downs, lies, breaking ups and you name it, your relationship is broken beyond repair.

You should both go separate ways, know yourselves better as individuals, clarify your relationship preferances and look for someone compatible who you could start a new clean balanced relationship.

[masticate]

I think it's perfectly fair that I have urges toward polygyny, especially considering I have been open with her about it. Granted, it took some snooping on her part to discover this, but once caught, I was honest with her about it, and have been honest since.

When she asks me what I need to make this work, I tell her... encounters with other women. That's HONESTY. Until last night she was very much against the idea but now that her selfies are out in the open, she is desperate to continue this relationship and willing to compromise by any means necessary to keep me from leaving her.

I am willing to take my share of the blame for her behaviour, but not any more than MY SHARE. I thought that bringing it up with her might help smooth things over, as you have said.. we have 'attention seeking' problems, but instead she would rather repress that urge completely and live life in denial. We talk about getting married and retiring together and having children, all the time. Basically, we both truly believe we have a future together (well maybe not after yesterday).

The final nail in the coffin will be exposure of even one more lie of hers, which is why I am awaiting this reply from SB (which he seems to be depriving me of at the moment). Another picture, a meetup, texts, emails, whatever.... it doesn't matter. She has told me that I now know everything, so I want to know if it is true.

[chinagirl]

I'm sorry to say but your GF is nothing but a cold, calculating and cunning individual. All the crying, feeling sorry and sick to her stomach drama she's putting on display in front of you are nothing but sneaky ways of keeping you in her life while she continuous with her shameless and guiltless rendezvous with these guys.

You can't keep monitoring her for the rest of your relationship with her... I agree with Val... Leave her and find a healthy relationship that is free of lies and cover ups.

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I just read the addition to your story... You're not good for each other. You are both weak, no self control and no respect for each other.

[lalalita]

She's not sorry, she's sorry that she got caught. Actions speak louder than words in all situations, and she's shown you multiple times throughout the years that no matter how "sorry" she is, she continues to do things behind your back. Sounds a lot like my ex.

[masticate]

I just read the addition to your story... You're not good for each other. You are both weak and have no self control.

I realize the need for tough love and hard facts, etc, but perhaps your swift judgement has overlooked one important detail.

My transgressions were YEARS ago, I was caught, I confessed, and I stopped. It was 'emotional cheating' perhaps, but nothing physical happened and I sure as hell didn't go around sending pictures of myself. I did my penance, and helped put her at ease, and have tried to move on.

I don't think this is enough evidence to claim I have no self control. I think that you are deliberately trying to be overly rough on me regarding that aspect.

The polyamory talk was in response to my urges which she has discovered, as well as her repeated texting behavior. I thought it was a potential solution to our issues, as well as something that I personally need out of life. Do you seriously equate a polygamist with someone who has no control?? I don't think so. You need to reevaluate the intensity of your judgement.

With regards to her being cold/calculating... you are on the right track, sure, but the words I use are controlling and manipulating. She uses her feeling to control me ... it is not cold. She seems legitimately distraught at the recurring prospect of this relationship ending and even now as she is at work she is texting me repeatedly, begging me not to leave her.

I am the cold one. There is no doubt.

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She's not sorry, she's sorry that she got caught. Actions speak louder than words in all situations, and she's shown you multiple times throughout the years that no matter how "sorry" she is, she continues to do things behind your back. Sounds a lot like my ex.

Got that right. It's ONGOING.

[smackie9]

Wow why are you even having this conversation.......dump her ass already and move on.

[masticate]

Wow why are you even having this conversation.......dump her ass already and move on.

It is because we have been together a long time and been through many of life's obstacles together, and she is begging me for another chance.

I am seriously considering her offer of switching to a polyamorous relationship, and I am seriously considering leaving her and moving on. Things are not always simple in life. This is one of those things that is NOT simple.

I would like to type out a text I just received from her when I said I want the "whole truth":

We slept together as teens. It was to get over [name]. I also slept with the other three you know about. We flirted a lot during the summer pretty much since I was 14. I still do not remember that early photo. I stopped texting him for a while after you asked me too. We got into that big argument when we lived in Kensington and he has been sending those random hey txts. I answer him and talked about our Sex life. When we broke up in the summer it was the same thing. I answered one of his random hey messages. I take responsibility for those photos being sent because I took them and didn't prevent any of it. I regretted it instantly. He texted me a bit when I was at [name] but I told him I was trying to work things out with you. He extended offers to hook up. I turned him down and told him to leave me alone. He texted me again in dec. I told him to **** off. Then those last two random msgs just happened. I have not seen him since before we met.

[smackie9]

INTJ people are high in intelligence so put that to use by taking all the facts, and I assure you you will quickly come up with a common denominator.....this relationship has run it's course, and it should end.

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It doesn't matter if it's simple or not. The facts are the facts. A good tip for you: go by their actions and not by what they tell you.

[nico88]

Dude seriously. **** this shit. You two are not right for each other. I understand why you're hesitant to move on because of your long history with her but damn..enough is enough already.

End it for good and move on with your life.

[masticate]

Does nobody see the feasibility in her story? I haven't double checked the information with R. yet to see if she really did send the pictures, nor do I want to, and I especially do not want to contact R's crazy gunman boyfriend to see what he got up to that evening.

SB has spent the day not answering me so it's clear he is through with servicing this confrontation. He swore to me last evening that he would go through his computer when he gets home next week and find all the evidence he can, although he bluffed a lot too. He sent me multiple nudes of other women in addition to my girlfriend in an attempt to confuse and frustrate me, and get me back for toying with his emotions by callously pretending to be her for three hours.

[lalalita]

It doesn't matter if it's feasible or not. Why was she taking those pictures to begin with? You have enough evidence that she has not been faithful. Leave and stop playing detective.

[nico88]

What Lalalita said. You're not sherlock so chill.

Relationship is built on trust. And the fact that you're going through such links to find out if she's telling the truth means there absolutely is none. So I don't see why you would want to waste anymore time on this. Unless you're some sort of masochist or something..