.......Advice from a man may help.

[butternutt]

Good Morning

I never thought i would be typing away on an online Forum but i think i have reached the point of confusion and in dyer need of good mature honest advice. As much as i do not know how these Forums work i think my story falls in many categories. But im sure i will feel some light and the end of all your honest replies.

Firstly please excuse my grammar and spelling. As my state of mind is not very settled at the moment but will try my utter best to explain as much as i can and clearly. And this may be a bit long. As much as there is more to it.

I am 30. Raised in Africa. Mixed. English father, African Mother,. Both parents passed. I had lost contact with my siblings at 16 when i moved to this country on my own to start my life. I have worked my socks of keeping a roof over my head and put myself through education. Kept out of trouble but trouble always seemed to find me. Having no guidance and support i defended on my own keeping myself safe and alive. Putting my trust in so called friends who i thought could be my family. And of coarse thinking i could find love.

Im a very strong minded woman. I have been through a hell of alot, things you can not imagine. Things i can not share on here. Since 16 i have battled to keep a roof over my head and keep a positive mind. Even though alot of times i felt empty. I had 4 serious relationships no less than 2 years each. I am not a one night kind of woman. I like to commit. Plus im very picky as i have a fear of being hurt. Even though i am a strong independent person. All i desire is to be loved and cared for. Like any woman would want.

My last relationship ended in January. The same month i finally got my own flat. I was turning 30, had a good paying job and planned this year to be a good year. In January i found out i was pregnant. Always wanted kids but thought i could never have kids for some reason. The amount of accidents i have with my past relationships. I though i had bad eggs. Then boom. Happy 30th to me. I felt extremely overwhelmed. But the father didnt. He turned evil. Like i didnt know him. Like i took away his life. Like i stabbed him in his chest. He switched on me. Told me to get an abortion. Got angry and scary to the point i could tell he would do anything to make sure this child does not come into the world. He threatened me with all sorts. Police involved the lot. You name it.

I panicked. Now i have been through hell and back in my life. And fought and battled every situation. But this right here was different. I had to make sure this child inside me is safe. I fled. Left every item in my flat. Packed a suitcase, and took a train into London, called a woman's refuge in fear and i have been staying here ever since. It might sound crazy and stupid of me to leave in such a way. I have always lived my life organised and planned and sensible. But something in me told me to go.

Its peaceful here. Ive met some wonderful strong woman who have been through alot too. And its nice to get advice from them. But everyone has experienced different things so its hard. At the end of the day we follow our heart. I just wanted to be stress free as i did not want this strange environment to effect my unborn child. And the fear of miscarriage. Everyday i am grateful to be safe and free from what turned into hell. Always thinking he might find where i am.

Going back in time. 8 years ago. I use to have a group of friends when i was younger. There was this guy in the group who always had his eyes on me. He has the most wonderful soul. Down to earth gentleman. We knew each-other vaguely. I knew he liked me. Always stayed in touch as friends. I was always in a relationship and i would never cheat. As much as i like him back then. I moved town but he always messaged me on the social media to see how i was and if i was well without fail for over 8 years.

Until now. Bump into each other. What are the odds. Only a few weeks in this town living in a refuge i would not of thought. I have never seen his face light up. And i have never seen my heart feel so warm. I told him everything as i do trust him. Hes a very respectful guy and amazing to talk to. Im a very stubborn person and i find it hard to open up to people. Especially the situation im in now. I have no one. No family. All my friends who i reached out for a little help even thought it killed my pride. They turned their back. I had no one. And there he was. Like a guardian angel.

Now i like doing my own thing and i find it hard people telling me what to do. So having no control or having my own home my stress levels are challenged. We would hang out. Dinners, movies go out for walks etc. We knew each other so it felt like hooking up with an old friend. He helped me not think about anything negative, made sure i was always ok, if i needed anything, always calling me, long long convos, he would take his time out of work just to make sure i am smiling at the end of the day. He wanted me and the babie to be happy and healthy. Which is the most amazing feeling having that support. But because of our history i knew he liked me. And he said he always did. And i wont lie i liked him to.

We started flirting more and more, kissing, holding hands basicly he treated me like i was his and he was mine. In the back of my mind i thought this was wrong and selfish as i should be focusing on me and this child. And getting a home. But it just all felt so right. And i normaly dont give my self up quick with men. I like to make them work. But its like every moment with him i felt so happy. I am 6 months pregnant by the way. So this has been going on for 2 months.

He makes me happy and wanted to take things slow. As i know he is not the father of this child. I do mention to him that im falling for him. And he mentions the same back. But ends it with '' i dont want a relationship with you as i still think i need my freedom for a while''. '' as much as i deeply care for you and feel its my duty to be here for you and get you through this bad time, i just dont know what i want and my head is confused'',...'' its bad timing for me and i didnt think i would meet you like this ''. '' i want to be there for you and the babie no matter what and maybe i would change my mind '' '' its not that your pregnant because i see you as just you, a wonderful woman any man would desire but im not romantically ready '' '' if you are happy with just being friends and being how we are now then im happy too ''


Thats when it went to complete confusion on my end. Why would he act like he would want something from me? He would treat me like his girlfriend, been to all the midwife appointments with me, kiss me and hold me, bend his back to do things for me.....more than most of my past partners have ever done in a short space of time. I like to communicate with people always. But i just shut down. I started blaming myself. Maybe its my hormones. Im a confident person. But he made me feel like i was not good enough. Or that he had someone else in mind. I dont know. Some men are really good at this game. Normally i spot out dogs in seconds but his honesty was very mature and left me so confused. So i spoke with him properly and told him how i feel. His face was so sad and he was upset with himself because he wanted to be with me but some how couldnt. And i care about him so much i respected his decision. But its hard to be just friends with someone you have feelings for. So i said im going to have to focus on myself and my babie as i can not deal with any drama right now. And getting hurt. That i can not see him anymore. And contacting would be at a minimum. He hated it.


Its been a week now and he keeps calling but i dont pick up. He txts me but i give short one worded answers. Even though i want to scream out I MISS YOU!!! i cant. Ive started getting back into my painting as i paint canvas's and sell them on ebay to make some money. Keeping busy with the ladies here in the refuge....looking after me and bump. I just can not stop thinking of him. And it kills me because i miss talking to him.

Am i wasting my time? Do i continue this strange but wonderful not so relationship with him? Am i chasing away something good?

I need some help here. I am normally the one to give advice to people but i surrender. I guess you cant help what you feel for someone.

Thankyou for listening

[Archie]

Well, it sounds alot like he's keeping you around as backup, but at the same time I can't quite get my head around it, because no man would take the effort to be close to you when you need him unless he cares for you as more than a friend. The fact that you're pregnant and he still hasn't split, even more so makes me think that to him you're not just someone he can play around with.

Have you asked him, what has happened to him, why is it bad timing for him?

[Exeter19]

you said in your long post " he makes me happy" that to me is a good reason to reply to his texts and answer his calls, and you also said " I miss him", sounds like you are purposely punishing yourself by shutting him out, maybe scared to be hurt or used, but it doesn't seem he is using you, only caring about you and was trying to help you out and be support for you, if nothing else you would have a true friend in him. can't tell you much more than that, as i don't know him, you do, so you know if he cares for you or not.

[rest77]

"So i spoke with him properly and told him how i feel. His face was so sad and he was upset with himself because he wanted to be with me but some how couldnt. And i care about him so much i respected his decision. But its hard to be just friends with someone you have feelings for. So i said im going to have to focus on myself and my babie as i can not deal with any drama right now. And getting hurt. That i can not see him anymore. And contacting would be at a minimum. He hated it..."

You are a smart woman. You saw the writings on the wall and you spoke to him and let him go. I know you miss him, but be very careful. It's a bad timing for him because you are pregnant, but he is not going to admit that.

If i was in your position, i would rather let him go NOW that you still pregnant, instead of allowing him to fulling romantically get involved in you and your baby'e life only for him to live after you have giving birth to your baby with some other excuses. I can imagine you will be more devastated then.

But you do have to follow your heart, the choice is yours.

[bitconfuzed]

You sound very genuine. I am also confused as to why he said those things. As I'm sure you know, people say a lot of things they don't mean. It sounds to me like he didn't really mean those things and is afraid of something (maybe he really loves you and is mostly afraid of being hurt by you!) If you miss him and love him, then you need to tell him. A lot of guys need to be re-assured that their loved and missed and wanted, and when they don't feel like they are, they say untruthful things to put on a brave front. I know this because I'm one of those guys.

[bulrush]

Sounds like he likes you, but he might be seeing someone else too. Also, he may want to date you but not want to get married.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Thank you Capt'n Obvious.

*sighs*

You don't want to find yourself beholding to someone who does not want a relationship with you but will take what you give him. He knows how to reach you and if you continue to be the strong woman you have always been, you will not take the gravy drippings from any man.

Zero contact with him now and if you must, you can send him one more conversation where you tell him that he knows where you are if he wants a relationship of the exclusive and committed kind with you and your baby then please put that sentiment in his subject line so that you'll know to reply otherwise this is the last conversation you'll be having with him, wish him well in his singlehood and then say bye.

You'd be better off on your own then to be pining away for a man that doesn't want to give himself to you the way you want him to. That will screw with your inner strength for sure.

Good luck to you and your babe.

- - - Updated - - -

if nothing else you would have a true friend in him.

You should not be "just friends" with someone you love. It never works out in your favour, OP. Its codependency to settle for friendship when you want a romantic relationship. How will you feel when he finds someone he does want a relationship with and she tells him that his concern and relationship with you is inappropriate (which it would be) and asks him to cut all contact with you?

Don't settle to be just friends with this man.

[michelle23]

I think you are a very strong woman and you should be proud of yourself. As soon as you heard that BS "I cant commit right now blah blah blah" you bailed so well done! We don't see enough women like you on this forum and you really are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for making my day

Anyway you saw the red flag, you walked away and you need to stick with your gut instinct now. Your pregnant and vulnerable. Now is not the time to get involved with a man. I know women who have made that mistake and they have gotten involved with the worst kinds of men who took advantage of their vulnerability.

You can do this on your own so stay strong and believe in yourself. After you have your baby and you are settled in your own home-you can then decide whether you would like to date again but for now-i don't recommend it. You need to protect yourself and your baby.

A friend of mine was pregnant, met a man who showered her with love and attention-made her feel special etc-promised to be there and help her bring up her baby.. once she moved in with him, he started beating her and abusing her. He then got her pregnant again and left. Hes now in prison for gang raping someone.. everyone told her to be alone, concentrate on baby and stay away from men for awhile but he manipulated her and she thought she could trust him.

The risk of abuse in a relationship is so much higher during pregnancy so you need to be cautious

I know you feel alone and its difficult but everything will work out. Are you trying to get state funded housing? And keep selling your art