Will my fiancee come back to me..?

[doon1970]

My Fiancee and I have been together for eight years, it was wonderful for at least seven of those and we were best friends, lovers and soulmates I really thought we had both found someone we never wanted to be parted from, I proposed to her on bended knee on her birthday while we were on holiday in Spain and we have been engaged for 3 years, neither of us were particularly after the big white wedding so we were happy just to be engaged we were both totally committed to each other.
We were a great team and helped each other, I night-schooled her to pass her English and numeracy exams for her present job and we were both over the moon when she passed, but over the last 9 months or so our relationship seems to have become strained, she withdrew from me and there wasn't the usual intimacy between us, our sex life was still good as it always has been but not as frequent as I might like, the tactile little things like kissing when we met and just little touches of affection seemed to stop and I felt she was behaving as if she was withdrawing emotionally from me.
I did the worse thing because of my suspicions and one night I checked her phone and found text messages to another man, loving messages not the type you send to a friend, We've had little messages of affection that we send to each other and she even used the same messages of affection that she used to send to me.

I was absolutely destroyed, I felt like my whole world had come crashing down around me, she had also sent messages to her friends that spoke of me in a really derogatory way, I was livid and shaking with anger and betrayal.
I confronted her and we had a heated exchange with me doing the shouting and she broke down crying and begging forgiveness.
After we had calmed down she told me through her tears she was ashamed of herself and was so sorry for hurting me, she said the message's were from an old friend, possibly boyfriend who had contacted her through social media, she assured me she hadn't cheated on me just been stupid and sent these texts, she said she had never met up with him which I believe as one message said sorry for not meeting one night when he had asked her to meet up and she hadn't gone, she said she hadn't cheated on me just sent the texts.
I'm very old fashioned and I am totally loyal I've been devoted to her through eight years and even when I have had offers I have never even entertained the thought, I have never and would never do that to someone.

We got through the weekend as she was working shifts and I tried to put it out of my mind but I couldn't, I asked her to leave so I could have some time to think and she took a suitcase to a friends house, we spoke a couple of times in those 3 weeks and i totally forgave her and asked her to come back, she gave me no indication of wether she would or not.
After 3 weeks of hanging on and going through hell every day I needed closure as I was a mess, she came round and we talked, I told her if she didn't love me I would not stop her going but she couldn't do it, through tears she told me still loved me and I do totally believe her but didn't want to come back, at one point she used the word yet but it may have been a slip of the tongue. I said we had got through this and now she was going to throw away eight years and if she still loved me I didn't understand why she would do this, I tried to persuade her and practically begged but she said we had got in a routine which we had and she just wasn't happy although still totally loved me, I work long hours from home and am often on the computer till late while she goes to bed early and I go downstairs and have a beer every night I finally realised we had been living separate lives to some point but I would have changed this behaviour in a heartbeat if I knew it would lead to this, but I'm a typical bloke and don't notice these thing till they hit me or maybe I'm just blaming myself for the breakup, to be honest it has been an issue for a while.

She kissed me and left.. She said she wouldn't ask me or expect me to sit and wait for her, but to be honest I would sit and wait for ever I still totally love her with all my heart.
She has had a history of depression which I have always supported her through giving her time and space when she needed it, she is staying at a friends who I can't help but think is not helping the situation, she has just come through a very messy divorce and is probably slagging me off, she also takes in lodgers and would probably love her to take up residence.
She will have to have contact with me eventually as the rest of her stuff is still here and her dog is with me, she's losing her entire lifestyle as I have a beautiful house from before we met and alone she could only afford to rent a small flat or something.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, my friends say I should go out and date but I can't even think about it, I don't want to build up 8 years with someone else.. I'm totally leaving her alone no message or text's so she can hopefully have time to miss me and come to her senses, the problems we had were so easy to fix I just though it was the routine that couples got into after a while and I tried to tell her I could change this in an instant but she said she didn't believe I would
My question is do you think she will come back..?

[Boisdevie]

Why would you want her back? She cheated on you emotionally.
But what's really important to know is why was the relationship with you so crap that she cheated? Clearly the relationship with you wasn't giving her what she needed so emotionally she left the relationship and cheated. Because she didn't care any longer for the relationship.
Why on earth were you two 'soulmates' incapable of talking about this before the cheating happened? That's what you need to work out.
A successful relationship requires good communication. Without it you're going nowhere fast.

[RedWingInCo]

I am sorry for the pain. Love is a choice two people have to make. What you have done seems to be a good decision. You cannot make her love you or choose to be with you. Going out and dating is not a cure for a broken heart. After all - what would you say to your fiance' if she does change her mind? My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[bitconfuzed]

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like she is the one having the problems, not you. I would give her some space, like you have been doing, and see if she contacts you. If she does and you still love her, then I would go for it. ps Why haven't you married her?

[michelle23]

8 years is a long time. I doubt this will be the end of it. Give it some time and space. However if she comes back-i recommend couples counselling before you set a date for a wedding. A never ending engagement is not good enough for any woman. If she lets you put a ring on it then she wants to get married as soon as you can afford to. Otherwise what is the point in getting engaged??

You both need to work on your communication-learn to be open and honest with each other and avoid her confiding in other men in the future. She needs to realize thats not the answer to relationship conflict

do you really believe nothing happened though?? How do you know shes telling the truth. Maybe her guilt made her run or maybe she was just looking for an excuse to leave. I think at the very least you deserve to have these questions answered so I would ask her to talk just so you can get all the facts about what happened.

[doon1970]

We never married not because of a lack of commitment or anything just neither of us were really bothered about being married although now it does make me wonder.. I appreciate all the kind words and good advice from everyone, I'm just going to leave her totally alone now, she hasn't told any of her family about any of this either as I bumped into her sister the other day and she has no idea.

- - - Updated - - -

I can never be totally certain that nothing happened but when she told me I believed her.. Maybe I'm naive but after 8 years I think I can tell when she's lying, she was actually displaying some quite worrying behaviour when we talked, constantly scratching her arms till they were bright red which I believe is a symptom of anxiety she has had problems with depression in the past and I think she may be going through it again, I presumed because she was with a friend she hadn't been struggling these last 3 weeks but she obviously has..

[Wakeup]

This is what often happens when partners start taking one another for granted or there is a total lack of communication going on. She is capable of cheating when she's not getting the attention she needs instead of talking to her partner and trying to rectify. That is a huge red flag that you shouldn't just ignore. She is likely now meeting up with her emotional affair partner so your question of "will she come back" I think depends on how it goes with the other guy. If she hasn't learned a lesson on the beauty of communication, conflict resolution and not being afraid to tell someone that she feels neglected, then she'll be out of that relationship eventually as well.

I think you've learned a lesson about taking someone you love for granted and I think you'll be all the more a better partner to the next woman that you find yourself in love with. We (all of us) need to keep the interest and the infatuation with one another going strong because lust wanes and that's when other things need to be kept up to keep us in love with one another.

I say let her go or at the very least ask her to be exclusive and not go running to her chat lover boy while she decides if shes coming back or not. Its the least she can do for a relationship of 8 years is to figure out what she wants without the influence of some other guy sniffing up her backside and making lust and infatuation so prominent while she decides.

[michelle23]

I just want to make it clear OP that its not your fault she emotionally cheated. Emotionally healthy people find ways to resolve conflict and find solutions to issues affecting a relationship-not turn to someone else. So even if there were problems, its not your fault she chose to do what she did. We are all responsible for our own behavior.

If she comes back-i wouldnt welcome her with open arms if I were you. There has to be consequences or she wont learn from this and will repeat this again in the future the next time there are issues or if shes feeling insecure etc. Remember trust has to be earned and its important that you value yourself enough to know you deserve someone you can trust

Good luck to you

[Wakeup]

As hard as this might be to hear: Lets not lose track of the fact that neglecting your partner has negative consequences. Either through cheating or the loss of the relationship due to said neglect and her refraining from communicating her boredom to you. You don't want to lose the lesson just to appease your ego. No, It wasn't your fault she cheated but the loss of the relationship and the emotional connection you do have culpability in.

[michelle23]

I see your point wakeup but I dont see why you assume he neglected her. When I met my bf I told him I dont care about marriage. I was 19 and didnt care then. But as I got older it became more important and I forgot I said that to him. I was upset 6months ago and asked him why he hasnt proposed coz hes always saying he wants a baby and he said "I would have but you said you never want to get married".. and I said things change, I do want to marry you.. hes saving for a ring now

maybe this was just mis-communication.