Obsessed

[thedandelioness]

Some helpful advice would be great.

I want to rid my life of negativity. I know some actions are juvenile but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm obsessed with my ex and his new girlfriend. AND my boyfriend's ex! I Google them all the time. Name, username, everything. I've created fake accounts just to try and converse with them.

I've even tried hacking their accounts to see if my boyfriend is talking to his ex behind my back again. Why am I doing this? Is it some sort of OCD ?

[dancer28]

Have you done this with past relationships? Is there a reason he is giving you to make you feel this way (maybe he's cheated or has cheated in the past, he's being secretive, etc)?

In this day and age, I think it's pretty normal to look up an ex or their new relationship just out of curiosity. I'm guilty of it, and I'm sure a lot of people are. That information is now readily available - why not take advantage of that? As far as creating fake accounts or hacking your boyfriend's accounts, that is a bit obsessive. And, if he found out, I doubt he'll be too thrilled about it.

If you really think it's OCD, you should see a doctor. If it's more acting out of emotion, you should find the source of why you're feeling this way and handle it. Hope this helps

[smackie9]

You do it because you have low self esteem. You were rejected, and you can't accept the fact your ex had np moving on and is happy. You think to yourself he never loved me, I had no value to him, I didn't make him happy, I am worthless to him. This screams codependancy. Please look it up, there are plenty of self help tips in these articles to help you understand and over come these feelings.

[thedandelioness]

As for my current boyfriend and his ex: She has tried coming between us more than once. As in, obvious flirting and then suggesting they get back together with full knowledge of my existence. My ex hid it from me, and it bothered me. A lot. He also held on to a lot of her belongings too. Journals, bills, nude photographs,evidence she cheated, etc. Also this is not typical behavior for me.

As for my ex, I left him and I thought we were on really good terms. But he got a new girlfriend (and I moved away) and didn't seem so supportive anymore. Maybe i expected too much. I find myself overly interested in his new girlfriend, and even take some joy in the fact that his family isn't wanting to get to know her.

I'm not particularly proud of any of this but it's true.

I guess I'll take a look into this co-dependence and see what comes next.

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[thedandelioness]

And I do think there is a self esteem issue as well. I guess I just never thought it would show up like this.

[nico88]

I think everyone has done some crazy shit when they still weren't over there ex so don't feel too bad. I use to obsessively check my ex's facebook even though we weren't "friends" anymore. just to see if she had a new guy in her profile picture. Eventually I stopped. But it took a good while. Not gunna lie.

Anyways what smackie9 said seems like good solid advice to me. I'd listen to her.

Ps Remember old habits die hard, so don't feel bad if you have a slip up every now and then. It's gunna take some time for those urges to go away you know?

[Rowen]

I'd like to add to this because I know all too well this kind of crazy behavior, as I admit to some of it in the past myself... :S

How would you feel if you discovered your boyfriend talking to his ex? I imagine that you'd be highly upset and would want him to stop...right? This is controlling behavior, OP, stemming from low self esteem like smackie said. :S I know it's tough to hear and seems absurd at first, but it's a desire that things be just as you want them. So, what you need to realize every time you try to do this is that you're attempting to make others feel a certain way and do things a certain way which meshes with your need of reassurance. Stop and think, "am I doing this hoping to find that they're acting a certain way?" If yes, which I'm sure it would be, stop yourself. Recognize that there is nothing you can do to stop your boyfriend from talking with his ex. Recognize there is nothing you can do to stop your ex from seeing whatever girl he wants to... You have no control over anyone, and if everyone is their own person with their own thoughts and feelings, you shouldn't want to control them... You should want them to have as much freedom as you do, no?

All you can do is control yourself, and the way to do that is by working inside your comfort zone. Evaluate what behavior someone has towards you, especially in a relationship, is okay and when it's okay. For instance, my therapist told me if I'm comfortable holding hands with a man and kissing him on our first date that I should allow that to happen. But if I try to kiss the guy, let's say, and he tries to feel me up and make out with me, after one kiss, I should stop him. Why? Because that's behavior that I'm not comfortable with. The same goes for you; if you allow your boyfriend to ever push boundaries and all by rationalizing his behavior, then you're not okay with it. And, furthermore, you should not allow him to proceed. So, I recommend setting up your boundaries and keeping them firm. This will give you self-control which will help you gain some self esteem because you won't feel helpless and will be able to reassure yourself.

In the end, what will be will be.... You can't stop someone from cheating on you because it's not your choice- it's their choice. So, try to let go. Try to control yourself because think of it this way- why should you have more freedom than your partner? I don't imagine you'd be particularly happy if he was doing the same to you, so keep that in mind. It all comes back to the golden rule; although I've always found its wording to sound a little corny, it's true: Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Anyway, there was another point I wanted to mention, but it escapes me...so if I think of it, I'll post it later on during the thread.
But for now, I hope this helps?

[TablesandChairs]

We've probably all done this at some point or another! Let's face it, we want to see if the new girlfriend is hotter (or if she's fat, short, ugly - which is the better option for our fragile ego's) but once that curiousity is satiated, there is a point where you need to actively move on. Why? Because it's harmful to you.

Ask yourself: what personal benefit do you gain by stalking your ex or his ex's? None. You've seen them, you've pried a bit into their lives...okay, we're only human. But after that, you should just focus on your own life and make that something worth Facebooking about.

OCD, for example, takes something most people do (for example, stalking on FB) to an extreme level; as in, a huge preoccupation with it, inability to stop despite wanting to etc etc. If you fall into this category, you might want to look into things further