Love of My Life?

[IndiReloaded]

Wakeups point is that men will tell a woman he has slept with "he loves her" in order to keep the door open for next time...

Yes, I know you are going to think "oh that's not me... its different. We are good friends". But you need to be realistic here. You said he's lived a bachelor, playboy life. If he really had a thing for you all these years, don't you think he would have found a way to stay in touch?

Sorry, but I'm not convinced he's really that into you. It seems to me you are looking for validation that you want to be the one who will "change him"... to domesticate him. But from everything you posted, he sounds like a commitment-phobe to me. Why didn't he commit to his last GF of 4 years? It sounds like she was a decent gal... but he stringed her along.

Yeah. Keep your expectations in check on this one.

[Wakeup]

Wakeups point is that men will tell a woman he has slept with "he loves her" in order to keep the door open for next time...

Add that to you confusing lust and infatuation with "love" and you have a recipe for huge disappointment. I do wonder why you want men that mostly appear to be love avoiders? Like a "playboy type." Is it because you are one and so you gravitate to those that you know are not the type to be a good LIFEpartner? Pls don't take offence. Its just you've shown up a pattern since you started posting here and its just what I see in your situations. I don't know you of course.


Here's just something for you to read while you contemplate keeping it real:

The love addict:
1.Is attracted to a person who is walled in and appears powerful.
2.Creates a fantasy about the other person as the relationship begins. The fantasy leads to feelings of euphoria for the love addict, who then becomes obsessed with the partner.
3.Uses denial to protect the fantasy. This allows the love addict to ignore the avoidant's walls and the distance in the relationship.
4.Some event occurs that bursts the denial and results in the love addict going into emotional withdrawal from the fantasy.
5.Uses strategies to either return to the fantasy, medicates the emotional distress and/or becomes obsessed with revenge.
6.Returns to the fantasy or finds a replacement partner and creates a new fantasy.

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What is Love Avoidance?

Love avoidance is the systematic putting up of walls in a relationship to prevent feeling emotionally overwhelmed by another person. Consequently, it prevents true intimacy. It can be described as a form of emotional anorexia. The love avoidant perceives love as being an obligation or duty, so relationships are experienced as an emotional drain. The love avoidant tends to become involved with love addicts, and puts up walls to decrease the intensity within the relationship. However, the more the avoidant distances, the more the love addict pursues. The avoidant often responds by a pattern of deprivation within the primary relationship, while acting in ways that create intensity outside of that relationship (e.g., work, pursuing other relationships or sexual encounters, addictions, etc.). At the more extreme range of love avoidance, the love avoidant may also be intimacy anorexic.

I don't know. I'm thinking that you if deep down thought this was right, you'd just carry on without asking us what we think. Is your gut trying to tell you something, Maple?

Anyway, glad to hear you're at least coming back down to earth and viewing this with more logic/less infatuation.

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He is single now, just out of a 3yr relationship. She didn’t give him enough space. He likes his time…always has.

I hope for your sake that's not the draw for him right now since you don't live close enough to stress him out and the distance keeps that "new relationship energy" last so much longer (lust and infatuation).

[Maple1714]

I have to pay $5 to respond now? I will try to keep it short.

Wakeup - You're right about most things you're suggesting.

I understand and hear what you are both saying/cautioning me about. The nice thing is, this man is one of the few people I can sit down with and talk to about all of these things. Let him read these posts even...and decide how to move forward. He's a very objective thinker and my friend. I'll see what he thinks about both of us possibly being Love Avoiders? This time around he seems to be more into me than I am him. He's been constantly updating me about his days...what hes doing. Yesterday he probed me with questions about moving back to my hometown...future plans etc. I told him I wasn't moving anywhere right now. My daughter needs to grow up in the same city as her father.

[XyOh]

If the two of you really feel this seriously about each other, then you should also be confident that you can wait to make the big decisions. Your daughter is already going through a huge transition in her life and you need to give her time to mentally process everything as well. Stay in contact and let yourselves get to know each other again first.

[Maple1714]

If the two of you really feel this seriously about each other, then you should also be confident that you can wait to make the big decisions. Your daughter is already going through a huge transition in her life and you need to give her time to mentally process everything as well. Stay in contact and let yourselves get to know each other again first.

That is the plan

[XyOh]

That's great, Maple1714! I did see that you intended to do this. I think sometimes even hearing the same thing in a different voice can be helpful to thought processing. Goodluck, lady!

[Wakeup]

Maple... Email LA and ask him to remove the restriction. You are a "regular user" so the character restriction shouldn't affect you.

[Maple1714]

UPDATE -

We have still been in contact every day. We both initiate the contact. He tells me about his weekend plans...his work days...everything. The conversation has been a little slow the past week or so. I mean, honestly what is there to talk about every single day? If we aren't going to spend actual face time together what is the point? He suggested we meet for a long weekend...in a city half way in the middle for both of us. I agreed...but neither one of us has taken the plunge and bought a plane ticket. I don't know why we are both hesitating. I told him I'm not moving back to my home town/state/side of the country. Not until my daughter is 18 anyway...she is 3 now. I don't think he will move either. I also am not sure if I really am soooo in love, like I had initially felt after our reunion. I am starting to think that I am incapable of long lasting love...ugh. It's depressing. I kind of want to meet him for the weekend to see if there really is a big spark like we felt a month ago. I'll call him tonight and tell him I'm ready to buy my plane ticket if he is. I should at least give it one more shot right?