Why did he do this?

[Erinesia]

I met this guy at a social group I'm a member of.

He definitely liked me and I very much liked him. I believe he was quite aware that I liked him. However, he was still getting over the death of his spouse and didn't seem ready for dating yet and I was respectful of this.

I noticed another woman was constantly signing up for events that he was attending. I thought perhaps they were attending together and I asked him in a gentle friendly way on a number of occasions if that was the case. He kept denying this.

In one case, he denied knowing who she was. In another case, he told me they had just bumped into each other at the event and, in a third case, he denied knowing she had left the event due to illness (they had been sitting together) ... yet she later told me she had seen him on her way out and had told him herself she was ill.

These were at large venues so I wouldn't necessary see them at the event.

She was an unattractive older lady, but a very nice person and quite aggressive. He was very handsome, older and also a nice person.

More recently he would sign up for events that I was attending ... when she wasn't attending them. Everyone knows who is attending because they are shown on an attendees' list on the club's website. He would always seek me out and bring me a gift at each event.

Today, I decided to attend an event that they had both signed up for and find out what was going on. I didn't sign up. I decided to do a "surprise visit."

Almost immediately when I entered, he saw me and sought me out (as he usually did) and came over to talk to me. I felt she was watching me. Finally, after about 10 minutes, he told me they were going out together. (Perhaps he could no longer hide the truth since he was there with her?) I wished him the best and told him she was a very nice person. He then went back to her side. They seemed happy together at the event.

I feel very upset. I can't understand why he lied to me before. Why didn't he just tell me the truth? I would have accepted it, no matter how much I liked him, and I would have moved on in my heart. I just feel so cheated ... and somewhat angry too.

I would greatly appreciate any insights and advice that you could provide me on why he behaved in the manner he did. I presume there is nothing I can do now, but move on. :-(

[basilandthyme]

Could it be that when you asked about their status, they weren't going out.....but now they are? If so, he didn't lie about anything.

And her level of attractiveness is irrelevant to everything.

[Erinesia]

No, I believe they were going out when I asked him. It's possible though they are more serious now.

Yes, I agree that her attractiveness is irrelevant. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. :-)

[smackie9]

He was just being a coward and just couldn't find the right moment to tell you.


Maybe in some weird way he felt a need to be with her and take care of her because of her illness.....maybe it makes him feel closer to his memory of his dearly departed wife. Creepy but possible.

[Erinesia]

Thank you Smackie. She isn't ill though. As far as I know, she is perfectly healthy.

[chinagirl]

He's a player. Forget about him. Not worth your time.

I know of a guy who literally was changing GF's like changing his underwear once he became a widower. He was like a dog who suddenly got freed from his cage all through the years.

[smackie9]

Thank you Smackie. She isn't ill though. As far as I know, she is perfectly healthy.

Well then in some weird way she reminds him of his departed wife. Obviously they have a good connection. Assertive or not, a man won't accept you unless he feels a connection/chemistry. That could be why he didn't want to pursue you.

Some people don't like to reject others, so they will give a excuse of some kind to blow you off. Plus this "I noticed another woman was constantly signing up for events that he was attending. I thought perhaps they were attending together and I asked him in a gentle friendly way on a number of occasions if that was the case". This would annoy anyone, and send red flags.....you probably came off as jealous, and nosy.

Next time, just mind your own business or it will bite you in the ass.

- - - Updated - - -

He's a player. Forget about him. Not worth your time.

I know of a guy who literally was changing GF's like changing his underwear once he became a widower. He was like a dog who suddenly got freed from his cage all through the years.

Good god what makes him a player. Him deciding to date someone he likes better doesn't make him a player. He didn't even date or sleep with the OP. Just because someone is nice, and enjoys your company doesn't mean they have a romantic interest. I think the OP misunderstood the signals out of her own hope to date him. It happens, oh well life goes on.

[Erinesia]

I definitely didn't misread his signals. They were unmistakable. I didn't come across as nosy either. I asked the questions in the natural course of conversations with him ... in a very positive way. He wouldn't have read anything into my questions. They were reasonable within the context of our conversations.

I test people sometimes to see how they respond and whether their responses are consistent with what I know to be true. It's a way of finding out whether they're honest. I am a very rational person as opposed to an emotionally-based person. As a rule, I am not prone to jealousy. I am quite open minded.

I don't begrudge him or her to date or form a relationship. I am upset over the deceit involved because I thought he was decent and I feel now that he wasn't. Frankly I agree with what Chinagirl says about him possibly being a player. There are a lot of things coming back to me now that make me think I was naive not to realize what he was. As reality sets in today, I feel angry at myself for being sucked in. I think the only reason he told me the truth is because I showed up unexpectedly and he was at the event with her so he could no longer conceal their relationship. She's a nice person. I hope he will be decent to her.

[dickriculous]

He's a player. Forget about him. Not worth your time.

I know of a guy who literally was changing GF's like changing his underwear once he became a widower. He was like a dog who suddenly got freed from his cage all through the years.

A player would've talked them both into bed. This guy has a long way to go before he's that cool.

[Erinesia]

Dickriculous: That's a good point. Well, whatever his motivations were ... and presumedly I'll never know ... I'm left at the end of the day feeling angry, uncomfortable, disturbed and stupid ... like some bad recipe for stew that gives you indigestion.

Hopefully this crummy feeling will pass soon and I can focus on more positive thoughts.

[chinagirl]

Dickriculous: That's a good point. Well, whatever his motivations were ... and presumedly I'll never know ... I'm left at the end of the day feeling angry, uncomfortable, disturbed and stupid ... like some bad recipe for stew that gives you indigestion.

Hopefully this crummy feeling will pass soon and I can focus on more positive thoughts.

He was testing the water. Don't worry, you'll be over him soon enough. It doesn't seem like you had invested too much on this guy to begin with.

[Erinesia]

Thank you, Chinagirl. I can tell you are a very lovely, sweet person for the comfort you provide. You're right that I didn't invest too much. However, he was quite an exceptional person, and we had a ton of uncanny stuff in common, and I don't know that I will ever meet someone like that again. At a certain age, it becomes less and less likely you will meet anyone remotely compatible.

[chinagirl]

Sure you can... My BF and I were at a bar on Friday and met a 72 y/o perky and funny lady who was married three times. First two husbands died and third one she divorced. She says there are still some fine gentlemen who ask her out but she's no longer interested to date at this point in her life.

You just need to have a positive outlook in life and always smile, it's the simplest you can do to attract a man... And there are a lot more decent men out there.

[smackie9]

I see by the way you post you are easily ruffled to the point you let things eat you inside out. If he took you out on dates and made promises, I would totally sympathize but all he did was socialize with you at events.

I sense you have had a possible history of men cheating/lying to you, that would explain you "inquiring several times" if he had any involvement with that woman and then getting all bent out of shape about it.

Here's a tip: if it doesn't feel right, it's not. I'm sure your gut instinct was telling you all along they were dating.

dating is never easy, just don't let the bs get to you, there is no point. Keep positive.

- - - Updated - - -

"I test people sometimes to see how they respond and whether their responses are consistent with what I know to be true. It's a way of finding out whether they're honest. I am a very rational person as opposed to an emotionally-based person. As a rule, I am not prone to jealousy. I am quite open minded."

This is very contradictory. You a very guarded person. You having to test people makes you a person with trust issues. "rational/emotional"? and you quoted"I'm left at the end of the day feeling angry, uncomfortable, disturbed and stupid ... like some bad recipe for stew that gives you indigestion." If that ain't emotional I don't know what is....

[Erinesia]

I am not at all easily ruffled. I am rather unflappable actually. I am not an emotionally based person ... I am rationally based.

He didn't owe me anything because we weren't involved. However, I think a decent person would have been honest with me and not kept me dangling as a possible option in case his other options didn't pan out.