I'm badly insecure and jealous.

[Satina]

I know it's ALL me and not her, I'm the possessive insecure one because I'm worried of being alone and losing her because of my attachment/abandonment issue. But my actions are making it far more realistic that I could lose her and I need it to stop.

Sulf-fulfilling prophecies. Don’t bring up obstacles that just aren’t there. If everything is going well in theory, then there is no problem, and there will be no problem as long as you don't bring up issues that are purely imagined by your mind, molded merely by your sense of fear and insecurity. Let her actions and her words speak, through time; let them dissipate any doubt you may have... Confidence and happiness are what makes a relationship strong, and confidence and happiness are what will make her love you and want to be with you for a long time.

You can't change your core, I know, but you CAN improve your behavior towards people. And I think when you learn to love someone, I mean, once you understand what it is to truly love and respect someone, you will want to be a better person automatically, you will want to be someone you love, because you want them to respect you. Tell yourself that whenever you shout at someone over futilities, you are losing a bit of their love and respect. Whenever you are being jealous of other people, you are telling her that every one else is better than you, so losing a bit of her love and respect again. The more you show her signs that you are unworthy and not good enough, the more she will believe it herself. Now tell yourself that this person has been honest and caring and patient with you, but that she will not be like that forever and you know she doesn't have to keep up with it if it's causing her pain and tiring her out...

So yeah, change for the better, if that's what you want. Improvement is always possible, especially if you're that willing.

And if some day this relationship doesn't work out because of your personal issues, you know what, let it be a chance for you in the future to possibly be with someone who is much better suited for you, someone who will need you as much as you need them, someone who doesn't drool over celebs if that's something that ticks you off, someone who will give more attention to you than to other people in their entourage because that's how devoted they want to be to their partner. This girl might be amazing, honest, caring and all, but, maybe she doesn't really understand the needs of a person like you.

Whatever happens, good luck and, honestly, I think your first step towards improvement and a state of mental peace, is to take a break from social media. What you see online is obviously driving you insane... Stop doing that to yourself. (Social Media Depression: [url=http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/depression/questions/social-media-depression.htm]HowStuffWorks "What's social media depression -- and might I have it?"[/url])

[helpmeplease:(]

Everything you say strikes with me so much. I do understand this and I always have. The first time I ended up like this was a year ago, I suddenly got scary thoughts like "What if you don't love her?" And I've ended up developing a mental illness where I fear everything along with insecurities. I'm absolutely terrified of it "Not being love" So whenever someone says "Learn to love her" It makes me feel like you're telling me I don't love her. I'm scared does it mean I don't love her because I'm insecure and have so much fears of losing her? I care about her and I want her to be happy and if I wasn't so insecure I'd be the best gf, I'd love to take care of her and make her happy. That's how it was before I got this mental illness and began to fear losing her, I put all of my needs/happiness into her, she is what makes me feel secure/have something to live for and if I lost that I'd lose my life. I realise that is the issue. Could it be that I love her but I'm afraid to love her through action? I'm afraid to let go of my self needs and let her live because she's so important to me that I'd lose everything if I lost her?

[Satina]

You do love her, but how can you properly love someone and give them your best, when you yourself are not at your best? Hence why people will always say "love yourself first". Love is much more than just being with someone, it's showing maturity, understanding, respect, compromise; all these things are what make a relationship successful, and they have to come from both parties. However if two people are so different that the amount of understanding and compromise required to make it work is just plain unrealistic, then one should consider whether or not this relationship is something one should be embarking on; I mean, you are constantly feeling emotionally shattered and putting at risk your state of mind, your mental health, your confidence issues and so on, for this other person... but you say to yourself: "I don't care", right? So one should ask themselves: why do I love this person more than I love myself? See, this is the problem, it's not that you don't love her, it's just that you love her more than you actually love yourself. You have to cultivate your relationship with yourself first. Are you at peace with yourself, inside? Are you working towards your own personal goals in life? Are you proud of what you do and of who you are? I don't think you can be completely happy until the answer to most these questions is yes.

And course there is a lack of emotional maturity, meaning you are not ready and not able to develop a balanced, healthy relationship with someone at this point. But it looks like you're already taking steps towards improving this aspect, so I think that, with a little time, odds are that you will do just fine if you keep being positive and realistic. Being realistic, when trying to change one's self, is very important; setting yourself impossible goals and ideals will only discourage you. You can't change completely overnight, but you CAN improve your life and learn to be happier with yourself day after day. And knowing that a good person loves you and cares about you, I think that also helps in the road of self improvement

So if she is willing to show some support, and if you honestly think that being together will be good for you AND for her, right now AND in the future, then it's all worth it to keep trying. After all, people are together to make each other happy, right? not the opposite.

Just make sure that you are not straining yourself while trying to make her happy, coz in the end, if you're exhausted and fed up from trying to keep up, then you won't be any more able to make anyone happy! So whatever you do, don't ever forget to take care of yourself first and foremost.

[smackie9]

Thanks I've done so much research and you're right it does help a lot. I use an OCD forum quite often to help with my mental illness and struggles and it's definitely improved so much things. I'm starting off with a new therapist soon too, I hope it can help. I just need to start seeing I'm good enough, start having positive feelings towards myself then I won't be insecure and believe someone can love me/won't leave me I guess.

It won't happen over night but you are on the right track...it's a matter of keeping on it. Even if things seem real good do not stop your therapy. You will need to learn to manage it for the rest of your life, maybe adjust things here and there. Just keep positive. Maybe try meditation classes, or find a support group. There are so many things you can do other than therapy that can help you improve your life.

[helpmeplease:(]

I've definitely changed a lot in the past few weeks actually. Maybe not in my mindset but in my behavior towards her and how I react towards her when I experience horrible emotions. I would normally rage or let out my emotional pain and seek reassurance but I've stopped all of it. She can see some change which I'm happy about. I really love when she's happy and when I think about me being able to see that all the time I get fuzzy inside and it just depresses me so much that I've let so much ruin everything. I agree with everything said above from both of you I understand I do need some security/happiness/acceptance in myself before I can give her the love and respect she deserves. I feel like all the love is inside of me but it's hiding behind all of these fears and if I could just tackle them and have a life of my own beside my life with her I'd feel way more balanced. It will be a long tricky process since my whole life I've been abandoned and I have a serious attachment issue but I'm really willing to work on it. I don't even take care of myself, I neglect myself basically, I have so much work to do, I first of all have to even start working on how to accept myself and not dislike myself so much. She's supportive and always there for me, she's never done anything at all to hurt me or do me wrong. She's one in a million and way more than just a girlfriend, she's the only best friend I ever had. I want to be like her :] I want to be amazing like her and treat her how she does to me.

[Satina]

Well I'm glad to read that And you're lucky to have this good person around you then, coz she sounds like a great example, and being with someone we admire surely can inspire us to be a better person. But anyway, whether alone or with someone, I have a feeling you are capable of many great things once you set your mind to it

I wish you all the best

[Wakeup]

I'm coming in late on this one, helpmeplease but here is a link that I think will help you. If you educate yourself you'll be quicker to overcome:

[url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/romantic-jealousy]Romantic Jealousy | Psychology Today[/url]

You appear to think that jealousy is just about being "insecure" when it's also about feeling out of control. When you can set your mind to realize that you only have control over yourself and what you do, you'll overcome the pain of jealousy. Cie le Vie!

P.S. Get a new therapist if you you're not feeling any closer to gaining control of self.

[helpmeplease:(]

When I try to tell myself things that should calm me down and see the positive logical side of things it never seems to help. Everyday I visit her social networks and I can't stop, I've tried everything I just feel anxious if I don't do it. I'd atleast like to be able to visit and feel no anxiety or jealousy to the point where I don't feel like I even need to visit. It's all so hard

[smackie9]

Stop stalking her on social media. You need to find things that keep you occupied,.....get a frickin hobby or some friends.

[ClaireH]

You already know what to do. Making changes in your character does not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself, but understand that your girlfriend does not deserve to be treated as you do. If she decides to move on, she would be in her rights to do so. Only YOU can change your behaviour. Look for triggers that set your jealousy off and try to deal with them more positively. Also maybe do something that will make you feel better about yourself. Start an exercise program or do something that takes your focus off yourself and puts it on someone else. I find this often puts things very nicely into perspective.

[helpmeplease:(]

Thank you I'll try to do this. I do try to deal with my jealousy triggers but a huge wave of anger and pain overtakes me and I can't ever seem to be able to deal with it.