Bad Relationship(s) have left me Broken

[Darrow]

Hey everyone, long time lurker and I finally worked up the courage to bring my problem forth. I originally wrote this out and after reflecting on it it was about 30 paragraphs long and I figured I'd simply restart and leave only key information in.

I've been heartbroken and emotionally broken for the last 2 months and it's all because of my last two relationships. I'll try to keep this as short and straight forward as possible.

I'm 23 years old now and the start of all this starts when I was 20.

I met my EX girlfriend 3 years ago at my workplace, she was 17 at the time. She was my first everything, sex, serious relationship and first person I've ever loved. The relationship started on a bad note, I was essentially a rebound and eventually when she got over sadness and depression she started partying a lot, drinking, flirting and going to bars without me. We broke up because of this and maintained a year long "Platonic" friendship. I still stayed in her life solely because I loved her and within this year long friendship I did everything imaginable to win her back and care for her. Picked her up at 3am in the morning at bars, took care of her when she was sick, drove her around, financially helped her and emotionally was there for her always. I could go on and on about all the stuff I did for this girl but we'd be here all day. While I maintained this relationship she at the same time was sleeping with numerous guys, in a on and off relationship with another all while I stood on the sidelines watching. It killed me inside and one night I told her I couldn't do it anymore and I removed myself from her life for my own Happiness. I knew it was the right decision for myself and I stuck to it for a month.

A month later she reached out to me and told me everything I wanted to hear, that she made a mistake, didn't realize what she had and that she wanted to be with me. Against my family and friends advice and even my own, I got back with her. Her friends and family where beyond happy because they knew how good I was to her. Things had changed in the relationship this time around, however she was still selfish and everything was always about her. Although there was no more problems with her partying or drinking all the time a new addiction had risen. She was smoking weed all the time and was constantly high. It was easy to deal with at first, but eventually you realize how much someone changes when they are consistently on a drug. We had many fights and arguments because of this and she refused to listen or make a change. The deal breaker was when I started noticing she'd not eat all day because she couldn't afford food.. but would go buy 50$ of weed a week.

In the end, we mutually broke up. We weren't compatible because we lived different lifestyles and I constantly felt like I was nothing more than a support system. It was difficult and I was sad afterwards.. but after pumping so much energy and NEVER giving up on her I had to give up on her and i was at peace with this. A month after our break up I heard she was already dating another guy as well, it's a bit gutting knowing someone you love moves on so quickly after. It's been 6 months now, we have NO CONTACT and I haven't heard from her in about 2 months.

3 Months later I met another girl who was a part of my friend group, I wasn't looking for a relationship or any girl but she literally just happened. We honestly connected so greatly and everything was just easy and effortless. I fell pretty fast for this girl and never thought I'd find someone else so compatible so soon. She had a boyfriend at the time who she essentially broke up with to be with me (Red flag right here). Our relationship advanced very quickly after she broke up with her boyfriend and from my past experience with my EX this scared me. I felt like I was walking down the same road again and it scared me. I refused to have sex with her till I knew she was over her boyfriend (She was religious and had only ever slept with him). She was lost and I could tell, she even cut herself at one point and I knew things where really screwed up. Eventually I told her the best thing for her was to spend time alone, to figure out what she wants and to be alone. I told her I had been down this road before and I didn't want to go through the same thing again. She agreed that it was a good idea... but she ended up just getting back with her boyfriend a few weeks later.

I had no one to blame but myself but it was really difficult to see someone I actually really liked just disappear and go back to her boyfriend. For the last two months it's a consistent reminder anytime I see her of pain. She and her boyfriend are now part of my friend group and I see her with him at least once a week. It's difficult and there's still a connection between us that I and even our mutual friends can see.


The reason that I'm writing you all this is so you can understand how I'm feeling.... I feel emotionally and physically drained. For the last 3 years of my life I've taken care of my EX girlfriend emotionally and physically, I never gave up on her and constantly put her happiness before mine. I ended that relationship and simply ended up in another bad relationship that only lasted a month but was just as screwed up.

I have hobbies and I have other girls interested in me. However I realize I'm not mentally capable of a relationship now and I cant return any emotional feelings to any girls I've gone on dates with. I've been debating talking to a specialist but I figured this is the best place to start. Is all this normal? I feel completely drained. My own diagnose of myself would be that I gave so much to my EX girlfriend that she completely drained me.. and getting into another bad relationship right after with another girl who required just as much destroyed me. I just can't ever imagine being that man again... giving so much of myself and my happiness for another person. It's like this whole experience has changed me for the worst.

I don't understand why after 5-6 Months I'm now missing my EX so much. I wish I was lying.. but I honestly go to bed every night and spend 2 hours just thinking of my EX and I dream about her and wake up feeling worse. I don't understand, she was terrible and selfish with me.. I don't want her back I don't understand why 6 months later I'm having these issues. I know I still love her but I've been taking every step to properly get over her and it just seems like it's not working. I feel like I have a lot to say to her and some people have told me asking her for closure and talking to her might help?



Has anyone experienced this and what can I do to help myself?

Thanks for your time and comments, you're really helping me out.

[XyOh]

I can't write much because I'm not a regular poster, so sorry for not being in depth. I think you just need time and allow yourself to forget her. It was your first serious relationship, and 5-6 months might not be enough for you. Keep working on yourself.

[chinagirl]

Some people recover from a break up faster than others. What you are feeling is completely normal. You need to let healing take its own course... in time, things will get better. It always does.

I know you said you don't want therapy but you might want to give it a try just to be able to talk express with someone exactly how you feel. In turn, that person can help guide you on what steps to take to help with your healing process.

At this point, it's not a good idea to talk to your ex to get your closure. It will only inflict more pain on a wound that has not even healed yet. Write a letter to her expressing how you feel but don't send it. Burn it after. Sometimes, writing on a journal helps as well just to get somethings out of your chest.

And lastly, don't date anyone yet. Try to be alone for sometime and find happiness within yourself so next time you're ready for a relationship, you will be in a much better position to pick up women who are independent, emotionally mature and not destitute to have someone take care of them.

Good luck...

[masticate]

Has anyone experienced this and what can I do to help myself?

Smoke weed.

[Wakeup]

Darrow is a "24hour User" I'm assuming he had to pay $5 for the ability to post more then two lines.

Sorry, Darrow. I won't give any advice that you had to pay for when I'm not getting paid to give it. Our advice and opinions are free and so it should be for you to ask.

There are advertisements that would pay for this site and If Admin would get rid of his News Articles that all of us can read without coming here, then he'd have the non-intrusive space to get paid advertisers to finance this place.

Steps down off of soap box.

[lalalita]

You need some time alone. Jumping from relationship to relationship hasn't given you time to get over the things that occurred in them. Be single for awhile, a year or so. Be selfish, do what makes *you* happy, figure out what you want and what you deserve. When you come back into the dating game, everything will be different and you will attract much better women.

[Darrow]

Smoke weed.

I've tried it and it's not my thing. Especially after it was one of the major reasons my EX and I broke up.


Thank you everyone for your help and advice. I am actually open to therapy or perhaps seeing someone, however I wasn't sure if it would help or be worth it. I feel like I'd be paying someone money just to listen to my shitty love life and nothing would change.

I honestly figured it was unusual especially after 6 months to still care and think about her. Especially considering how crappy she treated me? I guess my second relationship kind of masked my recovery and when the second girl disapeared all this came up.

I'm not sure what to do... I'm tired of dreaming about her, thinking about her and anything related to her. I've written letters and not sent them, found hobbies, gone no contact, talked to friends about how I feel and I've accepted that we arent compatible.

So, I'm at a lost as to what to do?

[chinagirl]

Therapy is not only about someone listening to you but the therapist can also give you suggestions on how to get through the grieving process and give you alternate ways view things differently.

[Valixy]

I don't understand why after 5-6 Months I'm now missing my EX so much. I wish I was lying.. but I honestly go to bed every night and spend 2 hours just thinking of my EX and I dream about her and wake up feeling worse. I don't understand, she was terrible and selfish with me.. I don't want her back I don't understand why 6 months later I'm having these issues. I know I still love her but I've been taking every step to properly get over her and it just seems like it's not working. I feel like I have a lot to say to her and some people have told me asking her for closure and talking to her might help?

It seems that your recent break up has brought back some unresolved issues from your previous relationship. You probably needed a bit more time on your own in order to become stronger emotionally before getting involved with the second girl. Anyway, bouncing back to powerful unbalanced even negative emotions that you experienced for so long is very common. Until you learn to reconnect with yourself and your life as you should, you will feel tempted to re-expereince the struggle mixed with unfulfilled hopes from your past because it's human nature. We all need to feel emotionally connected, we become addicted to intense emotions and need a time to readjust to a normal life and the right emotional intensity when we establish healthy positive emotional connections that make us feel happy, not used, unloved and tormented.

Somewhere along the way there is the tremendous phase when life seems to be empty without the struggle and the false dreams of love we used to have, but it's just that, a necessary phase when you detach from a conflicting abusive past and start a new chapter in your life, feeling wiser, stronger, cultivating your interests, concentrating on your work, your career, rediscovering yourself as a person and having learnt a very valuable lesson about recognizing unhealthy relationships and staying away from them as soon as possible.

You don't miss her as a person since she is incapable of loving you, it's just that you're upside down at the moment, have no control over your emotions, and you need to learn to take control mentally, apply some discipline until your emotional investment starts fading. You're on the good way, OP, just start taking your new life seriously, dedicate yourself to feeling good, do things that you enjoy, make it a mission, and you'll start seeing the positive change in your life. You won't believe the difference. Good luck.

[Darrow]

It seems that your recent break up has brought back some unresolved issues from your previous relationship. You probably needed a bit more time on your own in order to become stronger emotionally before getting involved with the second girl. Anyway, bouncing back to powerful unbalanced even negative emotions that you experienced for so long is very common. Until you learn to reconnect with yourself and your life as you should, you will feel tempted to re-expereince the struggle mixed with unfulfilled hopes from your past because it's human nature. We all need to feel emotionally connected, we become addicted to intense emotions and need a time to readjust to a normal life and the right emotional intensity when we establish healthy positive emotional connections that make us feel happy, not used, unloved and tormented.

Somewhere along the way there is the tremendous phase when life seems to be empty without the struggle and the false dreams of love we used to have, but it's just that, a necessary phase when you detach from a conflicting abusive past and start a new chapter in your life, feeling wiser, stronger, cultivating your interests, concentrating on your work, your career, rediscovering yourself as a person and having learnt a very valuable lesson about recognizing unhealthy relationships and staying away from them as soon as possible.

You don't miss her as a person since she is incapable of loving you, it's just that you're upside down at the moment, have no control over your emotions, and you need to learn to take control mentally, apply some discipline until your emotional investment starts fading. You're on the good way, OP, just start taking your new life seriously, dedicate yourself to feeling good, do things that you enjoy, make it a mission, and you'll start seeing the positive change in your life. You won't believe the difference. Good luck.

Thank you for your constructive response. The whole reason I posted this was to figure out why or what I'm doing wrong. I'm not blind or stupid to the whole situation.. I accept and understand that we aren't compatible. I also realize that even if I wanted to get back with her it wouldn't be possible and I've come to also realize that she isn't what I want in a girl.

My whole issue as I said... is that I was doing completely fine for the last 6 months. Following the typical standard break procedure properly yet here I am having issues and yet all of a sudden 6 months later.. I'm thinking of her all day, dreaming about her and almost breaking NC. Which is why I figured there was something mentally wrong with me that would require me to get help.

I'm still open to other peoples constructive criticism or advise.. and if anyone else has experienced a EX similar or a experience like this I'd like some hear from them.

[pcmaster]

Yes I have experienced kinda getting over past and then it comes back again.

This helped me

loveforum.net/the-love-community-library/85672-guide-deal-breakup.html

Also antidepressants helped too. You waking up worse is a sign of heavy depression. Its easier when you go to sleep early cause closer to midnight thoughts are creeping on again. Also its better to exercise and you cant eat junk-food when depressed. High protein food helps to keep good mood.

Thing is you been investing yourself a lot with those girls and thats why its hard to move on. Putting other people happiness first is not a recipe of happiness. Its like you been trying to make relationships work but girls didnt do much and took easy route and you ended up being one who gave the most.

What you have to do is put yourself first for a good while until you are moved on.

[chinagirl]

Thank you for your constructive response. The whole reason I posted this was to figure out why or what I'm doing wrong. I'm not blind or stupid to the whole situation.. I accept and understand that we aren't compatible. I also realize that even if I wanted to get back with her it wouldn't be possible and I've come to also realize that she isn't what I want in a girl.

My whole issue as I said... is that I was doing completely fine for the last 6 months. Following the typical standard break procedure properly yet here I am having issues and yet all of a sudden 6 months later.. I'm thinking of her all day, dreaming about her and almost breaking NC. Which is why I figured there was something mentally wrong with me that would require me to get help.

I'm still open to other peoples constructive criticism or advise.. and if anyone else has experienced a EX similar or a experience like this I'd like some hear from them.

Was married 14 years and it took me 4 years to get over my ex after divorce. Crying almost every night, unable to sleep for a long time, dating but cannot get into a relationship because my mind was still into him.

The things that really helped me a lot are the support from my friends and running 5 miles every day.

Don't underestimate the value of your friends when going through a tough time in your life... Plus exercise is really great because it gives you the confidence that you need to think that you can pretty much do and accomplish anything if you put your mind into it.

[ClaireH]

Hi Darrow,

You sound like a guy who needs some time to spend just on you. Its hard when things end, but keeping on going out with girls with broken wings is not going to do you any good! You need to ultimately find someone who is whole in themselves. Girls who are trying to find someone to "complete" themselves will always have issues. A relationship will never make you "whole" it will only make holes in you! The right person will come along when you are not looking for it. In the mean time - Look after YOU

[michelle23]

It sounds like you chose to go out with both these girls because you just didnt want to be alone and you ignored a lot of red flags and settled for second best. I think you need to set your standards higher, be more fussy and stop trying to be girls shining knight. You cant fix or change someone. You should go out with someone who doesnt have any issues and you should never go out with someone who is already in a relationship.

It sounds like you have some co-dependency issues that you need to work on, you need to boost your self-esteem and confidence and improve your taste in women. Maybe therapy would help you with this but honestly I think just taking some time out to be alone, doing some research on co-dependency, self esteem, healthy relationships etc would be enough for you.

And perhaps joining a relationship forum where you can learn a lot on a lot of different scenarios/relationship types just by reading other peoples stories and hearing the responses they get