My relationship is making me hate myself even though I love her

[hidemyid]

This feeling has been weird lately. I love my girlfriend to death, shes sweet, shes always there for me, she has plenty of flaws but her core values are ones i appreciate most of the time.

I do love her, but being with her is turning me into someone I dont want to be. I feel like a super cun`ty person, when I know im not. Its not, that I do anything to feel that way. I just I get annoyed with her for legit reasons. It wasnt always like this, I used to be able to ignore these things that bother me. I used to act very rationally, i used to look at other couples who fought all the time and be like ill never be that kind of guy. Now, over a year and a half in, Im losing my mind, Im losing my patience, and its rough times. I got so many diffrent stresses, and I need my space most of the time. Its confusing really, because... it comes in spurts where I feel so lucky, but most of the time im just a person I dont want to be.

I don't know what to do anymore

[lalalita]

What is she doing that bothers you?

[hidemyid]

Things that come to mind are.
-Constant clinginess (she texts, and expects a response every break at work)
-Social Media Control (I like to use these sites, but I find myself giving them up to avoid fights)
-Paranoia (thinks everyones out to pick me up, if I go anywhere socially since... when she goes out, guys always hit on her)

Its worth noting, I had all this written down, but its kind of hard to express myself in 969 characters or whatever it is (dumb change love forum -_- )

[lalalita]

The more you pull away, the more insecure she's going to feel and the more she's going to cling. It's not her fault. She's not doing anything wrong, but you two are not compatible. You are not meeting her needs.

[hidemyid]

I get that already. I know what your saying, why do I constantly pull away.
I try so hard not to, but I always find myself falling into that.
I do love her, I just feel like... im losing the passion.

A part of me thinks, its because... theres so much drama in her life, and she wants me to be that person she can vent to... but after all this time, its just starting to feel like constant complaining. The times I get tense, and question these things is when she complains. I love her, I just wish she would be more of a positive person, the negativity always brings me down. I don't tell her, everytime I get annoyed or mad at someone at work, I just get over it. Back when I lived at my moms, I didn't tell her everytime I got in a fight there, I just got over it. She tells me, everything without a filter, and... that's the biggest thing honestly, now that I think about it.

[basilandthyme]

From what you describe, I would imagine that she's the author of all the drama in her life. And frankly, her behaviour would drive away the best of us.

My advice is to draw a line in the sand as to what behaviour is acceptable to you.

Clinginess: tell her that you have a life outside of her and will text her when you can. Tell her that you will not tolerate her getting upset or angry if you're not available to respond to her.

Social Media: tell her that you like social media and will use it as you see fit. If she doesn't like it, then she needs to either suck it up or leave...but you will not be entering into any discussion on that topic with her.

Paranoia: refuse to discuss it. Tell her that you will simply not engage if she's being paranoid

Thing is, each time you apologise/explain/give in to her control and neurosis, you're rewarding her behaviour. Tell her that you love her, but you cannot and will not tolerate all this crap she's putting on you. Time to stand up for yourself

[hidemyid]

That might be the best response, anyone could have ever given me.
Because, I don't even realize it sometimes but I do give her that control.
I stand up for myself, but then I cave and "apologize" or "give in" as you said.

[michelle23]

You have only been together a year and a half. Perhaps the honey moon period has ended and you are only now seeing all her flaws. If you keep needing space then that is a red flag. Maybe shes just not your type and now that you are seeing all the bad things-you don't like it. Ive been with my bf 6 years and he has never needed space from me, never pulled away etc. If he did I know it would probably make me feel insecure and I would feel the urge to be all clingly but I have too much pride for that shit so I would just dump him. You cant keep playing games with her though-you either want her or you dont and its all or nothing so make up your mind. Can you accept her flaws and try to reach a compromise?

by the way: girls usually need to talk through their feelings. If we are upset or angry we do talk about. She sees you as her emotional support. That is why she confides in you and even if you dump her, the next girl will probably do the same.

[basilandthyme]

That might be the best response, anyone could have ever given me.
Because, I don't even realize it sometimes but I do give her that control.
I stand up for myself, but then I cave and "apologize" or "give in" as you said.

Yep. Do not ever apologise if you've done nothing wrong.

[smackie9]

Get out while you can....there are better relationships to be in.

[ClaireH]

It seems like your base relationship is quite flawed, and although you may feel love for her, this problem is just going to get bigger and bigger as time goes by, unless you stand your ground. She is trying to control you because she is insecure. You cannot make someone feel secure! They have be secure within themselves. She doesn't seem to be. Stand up for yourself, set your limits and stick with them. She will either fit in, or you are in for a break up.

[TablesandChairs]

I had a friend who made a big deal out of everything; things that I would consider petty grievances, she'd consider catastrophes. We were working together on an important/time sensitive project and she took the whole week off because her neighbours were engaging in domestic violence (or what sounded like domestic violence) and she was traumatised, apparently. I was going through the break-up of a long term relationship at the time but nonetheless, showed up to work and finished 'our' work. This scenario happened multiple times and through her sheer inability to look at herself objectively, she felt insulted when she didn't get the promotions others did.

Point is - I think you might have valid reasons for pulling away. But, pulling away will naturally make her clingier; people can sense it a mile off. You either have a hard talk with her and explain what bothers you, giving her enough time to change, or you move on.

[TheEvilJester]

A part of me thinks, its because... theres so much drama in her life, and she wants me to be that person she can vent to... but after all this time, its just starting to feel like constant complaining.

The others have responded to your other points well. This one is a bit of a tricky balancing act. There is a difference between somebody who complains too much, and somebody who just happens to have a lot of legitimate reasons to complain. I know this from experience. When my ex and I were initially together, she used to complain a lot, but I always felt it was for legit reasons where anybody would complain. Over time, though, the reasons got less and less legit to the point where she'd ALWAYS have some reason to complain, even when it was so ridiculously petty, or 100% CAUSED BY HER! It got to be frustrating. She could never just be happy, and it ruined my happiness. Just one of MANY reasons I am so glad to be rid of her.