I messed up big time... to tell or not to tell?

[confusedguy1012]

As you all know me and my fiance have major issues. The other night we agreed to do therapy both couples and personal. I went out with some friends that night to kinda relax chill out and what not and ended up cheating on my fiance now of course I feel awful for doing that but I can't decide if telling her will make things worse and its just not worth it or if I should take the chance and tell her...

[basilandthyme]

At this point, I have grave doubts as to whether or not your relationship should be saved. Do you really want to save it?

[confusedguy1012]

Yes I do think it should be saved

[michelle23]

you guys should break up! this is ridiculous. Your here one minute pouring your heart out that you want it to work and then you betray her in one of the worst possible ways.. she deserves the truth so man up and tell her. You are both dysfunctional and together you are making each other worse

[MapleAshes]

Honestly, I think you should tell her the truth. If you truly care about her, it shouldn't matter what consequences await you...you should only want to be honest.

[Vertigo]

I HAVE to disagree with all the posts here about "telling her".

It wasn't until recently that I came across this view and I think it's changed my own. If you cheat on someone, and you genuinely regret it, want to be with HER and won't even remotely consider doing it again you should NOT tell her. You must know that sometimes, what is good =/= what is best.

Telling her is not good for her. Firstly, the obvious: you put your relationship in jeopardy. Secondly, you will make her feel SO insecure and put her through a LOT of pain. Even if you two break-up she will forever live in insecurity because cheating is something that REALLY makes your self-esteem and self-worth hit rock bottom. Lastly, it is selfish. By telling her, you are technically relieving the burden of your dark secret unto her - and she has to deal with the pain. It's not fair, you screwed up so YOU should take the consequences and live with your secret.

[nico88]

Idk your back story because I don't think I've read any of your previous posts but the way I see it, you made a conscious decision to cheat on your fiancé you know? It wasn't that "moment of weakness" bullshit line that all cheaters use..it was you consciously choosing to betray and ultimately hurt the woman you're planning on committing your life to. What the **** is that?

If I were you I'd be rethinking my future plans with this woman. Your actions showed that you're probably not as in love with her as you think you are. If you were then you wouldn't be sticking your dick in somebody else. But that's just my opinion.

[confusedguy1012]

Honestly I'm not leaving her, I just won't if she wants she can leave me but I won't leave her especially with her being such a wreck I know I effed up I know I did but there is nothing I can do to change it except never do it again and I won't. But I just don't know if I should tell her or not

[Vertigo]

Look up the TIME article by Andrea Sachs called "Why we have Affairs - And why not to tell"
And if you don't.. the line you should get out of it is:

Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine.

If you tell her, you're just making yourself feel a little less guilty because "Oh look, at least I was honest." at the expense of her immense pain. Do the right thing and live up to the consequences.

As a woman, if my man cheated on me but it meant nothing to him - I'd rather not know. If it meant something to him, well Id hope he'd get out of my life. So work out whether you love this woman, and go from there.

[TablesandChairs]

Vertigo, the problem with that philosophy (and I do understand it to some extent) is that the cheating partner isn't ready to be settling down; risking a relationship for a one night stand proves that. He'll con her into a relationship built on shakier foundations than she's aware of...and the truth has a weird way of coming out eventually. OP is trying to commit to someone for life...but he's failed already...I dunno. I wouldn't want to be in his partners shoes either way.

[susan0907]

You have to tell her. It's better for you to come clean to her than for her to possibly hear it from someone else. It'll hurt her but you won't be a liar, and she'll at least give you the benefit of the doubt that you are honest. Also, a lot of times, women do tend to stay with men who cheat because they love them that much or they see that their man deeply regrets it. It's a risky decision, and either way, you're the bad guy in this scenario; you're just less of a bad guy if you come clean.

[Wakeup]

Honestly I'm not leaving her, I just won't if she wants she can leave me but I won't leave her especially with her being such a wreck I know I effed up I know I did but there is nothing I can do to change it except never do it again and I won't. But I just don't know if I should tell her or not

In case you're real and not just the troll I now have a niggling that you are I'll give you this advice: Like I said from the very first post in your other thread. Break off the engagement and by that I mean get yourself out of that relationship and let her get better on her own with the help of a therapist. Now, since you're codependent and insecure and lacking in personal boundaries I don't think you will leave her nor will she kick your ass out because you're both too afraid to be alone so, I suggest you tell her and give her the option to do other men like you've done other women. (if she ever wants to *doubtful since she seems a-sexual anyway).

You will do it again so don't pretend you won't unless she can give you some emotional/sexual intimacy that she's currently not interested in sharing with you and she should have the same sexual freedom that you do.

[lalalita]

I HAVE to disagree with all the posts here about "telling her".

It wasn't until recently that I came across this view and I think it's changed my own. If you cheat on someone, and you genuinely regret it, want to be with HER and won't even remotely consider doing it again you should NOT tell her. You must know that sometimes, what is good =/= what is best.

Telling her is not good for her. Firstly, the obvious: you put your relationship in jeopardy. Secondly, you will make her feel SO insecure and put her through a LOT of pain. Even if you two break-up she will forever live in insecurity because cheating is something that REALLY makes your self-esteem and self-worth hit rock bottom. Lastly, it is selfish. By telling her, you are technically relieving the burden of your dark secret unto her - and she has to deal with the pain. It's not fair, you screwed up so YOU should take the consequences and live with your secret.

I understand this mind set, but I disagree with one major thing - who cares if he regrets it and won't do it again and doesn't want to leave her? *SHE* needs to be told the truth so *SHE* can make the decision as to whether she wants to stay with him. Odds are, she won't. She's going to be walking around living a lie. And what happens years down the road if she finds out? MAJOR problem. She may forgive him if he tells her, but if she finds out afterwards, there's going to be hell to pay.

[ParadiseLost]

You tell her and its over. Shes wreck already and theres no way she could trust you again if she knew. Let her play with her puppy and dont things worse for both of you. After all you were drunk and had a little too much fun. Maybe you had to cheat on her to understand that you dont wana lose her. But I partly agree with wakeup. If this repeats you shouldn't forgive yourself anymore and tell her the truth so she can decide.
However you are signed up to therapist so fix previous issues before adding new ones. One thing at the time.

[anya_may21]

TELL her. That is horrid to cheat and then hide it, man up and tell her the truth.

Cheating is something you choose to do, you made this decision for yourself now come clean for her. Respect her.