should i go back to him?

[iamfeelingsad]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months. For 2 weeks all I could think of is breaking up with him and I finally did, but now I'm so sad that I wanna go back to him.
There are lot of problems between us:1. I asked him if he loves me he said he doesnt know. He said he has to mean it when he says it, we have to get to know each other better, he said he never said love so quickly. On one hand, I think it kind of makes sense cuz although we dated 5 months, we only see each other on the weekends(we live 1.5hrs away by driving). But on the other hand, I took it really hard cuz it hurts to hear that. Also, he admited he's not 100% involved with me. He was only 100% involved once, that was 10 years ago when he was 22, that girl cheated on him, after that he just became cold.Also, 2 of his friends tried to commit suicide because of their break up(1 actually shot himself infront of my bf), that might have some effection on him too. But I still took that really hard. Actually that's the biggest reason I broke up with him. I'm not sure if he's ever gonna be 100% in love with me, I dont know how long i have to wait if that's gonna happen.

2. I tried to get to know him better, I tried to go to his place, to meet his friends, he didnt seem interested. He's not reluctant to meet my friends though, and he drives down to my place every weekend. I'm mad at his attitude. However, he lives in a really small town(500 people, no traffic lights, no cell phone signals)and his friends are farmers, I suspect he might feel uncomfortable about that.

3. That leads to the third problem. He thinks I am too good for him. He lives in a small town, went to college for 2 years. I am in professional school, from a big city, good looking. I treat him extremely well, I told him I'm willing to do anything for him because I'm crazily in love with him, seems like he wouldnt believe me.

I feel extremely confused in this relationship. But I'm also extremely happy when I'm with him. We broke up 3 times during 5 months. He tried to break up with me 2, but we got back together. The 3rd time is me who tried to break up, I asked him what if I wanna break up, he said " I care for you", [url]http://www.loveforum.net/newthread.php?do=newthread&f=8later[/url] I asked what if I wanna break up again, he said "that'll suck". I could feel when we got back together, he made a lot of effort to make our relationmship work, but it just bothers me too much that he's not in love.Finally I broke up with him. I'm feeling relieved, but also very very sad. Should I go back to him, I kind of cant imagine life without him.

[Ellynn]

It takes some people longer then others to use the word "love". Would you really want him to say it to you if he didn't mean it? I would rather not hear it and then only hear it when it's meant for real... 5 months isn't a long time......considering you only see each other on weekends.

So you wanna get back with him huh? Well....you guys really have been on and off alot... Is it because you are having no luck in the dating scene currently and are growing fustrated and figure......well why not get back with him? If so.....then you shouldn't settle. The reason I say this is because you were thinking of breaking up with him for 2 weeks and then you finally did it and then regretted it. Sometimes that happens. I broke up with guys and regretted afterwards even when I was thinking about doing it for awhile.....but there must have been a reason....

It seems to me like since there is distance between you and him (1.5 hrs) it puts a strain on the relationship. But then again people who live even further apart sometimes manage to work it out.

Its cool he was a part of your life..meeting your friends and family....but he really didn't let you in and see how his life was.....and who his friends were etc.

As for him feeling like hes not good enough.......well theres only one thing to do....is show him that he is good enough.....and you can't change his perspective with words so much as action.

I don't know what you should do. I mean yeah you could give it another try....but in a few months are you gonna be thinking about breaking up with him again? I mean what else fueled those feelings of wanting to end things?

[iamfeelingsad]

Yes, you make sense. I'm not sure whether i'll be thinking of breaking up with him again in another few months. I guess I was just too confused about our relationship. I dont know how to communicate with him, it seems really hard for my bf to open up, whenever i try to talk about my feelings or ask about his feelings, all i get is silence or "i dont know". I like to talk about things, and like to be able to talk on the phone everyday. He hates talking on the phone, and he doesnt talk much in real life either. I complained, and he tried to call me more, like 2 or 3 times a week, but I could tell he had to try to think of things to talk with me on the pnone, so after a while i just gave up.

I'm feeling relieved because now I dont have to guess what he's thinking all the time. My school is really stressful, this shaky relationship has been distracting me so much that I could not concentrate on what I'm doing. I'm having some important job interviews next month, and I'm doing this for US, it is in a bigger city near his home, and I figured if i got the job maybe he could move out of that small town(he doesnt wanna stay there). On the one hand I'm doing everything for us, on the other hand I dont even know if he loves me or not. I think he wants me, I even believe he wants to marry me someday, but he's just unsure about what's gonna happen in the future, he's afraid of being hurt and that's why he wont open up. So instead of trying to make it work, he wants to give up all the time. That's what frustrated me. To me distance, job is not a big deal if we're in love, to him, it is a big deal. Maybe I'm just too romantic, and he's too practical.

Anyway, this relationship is just too confusing, it's such a weird combination, like every thing i hate about him is actually what attracts me. Like I dont like him being shy and not talk, but i'm also attrated to his shyness, it's very sexy. i dont like him not talking, but i also can feel that he cares for me because he do things for me, he fixes my car, fixes my AC, buys me birthday gift, comforts me when i'm stressed out....So, now i actually feel guilty about breaking up with him because whenever I see my car, i watch DVD(he bought dvd player for me ) or use my AC, i think of him. I wanna go back to him, but that day when i finally talked about breaking up with him he sounded super cold, like he doesnt care. i asked him if his heart is made of stone he said maybe.. I dont know what i should do. i dont wanna get back together right away cuz i need some time, but i'm also so afraid that he might start seeing other people and i will lose him forever.

[gHEXjt]

When you say he came across as super-cold the day you broke up with him, was it before or after you actually broke up with him?

My girlfriend of 4 years, who I still love to death, broke up with me a few months ago and I am certain that my reaction to her dropping the bomb was not the emotional outburst she was expecting. We had a long distance relationship, didn't always, but it has created some problems. But she was upset, and I just sat there, didn't ask her to think about what she was doing, nothing. In my head I wanted her to stay, I wanted to get on my knees and beg, and I couldn't say anything. When I'm upset I tend to come off as cold and pissed, and maybe your boyfriend's the same way. The only thing I eventually got out was for her to get the hell out of my house.

You know he cares about you, but some people just don't know how to express themselves verbally, especially in a tough situation like that. And as you said, a lot of his past could be playing a role in that as well. If you don't want to lose him, then you need to show him what he means to you and that you don't want to lose him. If he still acts cold and uninterested, then maybe things aren't meant to be. But at least you'll know you tried rather than wondering if it was really meant to be.

GOOD LUCK

[iamfeelingsad]

It was after i told him that i've been thinking of breaking up for 2 weeks that he became super cold. He doesnt have a bad temper so he doesnt yell at me, whenever we talk about breaking up, he sounds so cold that i'm afraid of hearing his voice cuz i might just freeze. That's even worse than yelling at me. The second time we broke up, he sounded cold and he never called me. I called him after 2 weeks, he was happy to get my call and he suggested to come and see me. I'm not sure if he would even pick up the phone this time. He sounded like he's made up his mind, he told me to move on. I asked him if he has anything else to say to me, he said"it was nice meeting you!" It sounds like it meant nothing to him. Maybe it doesnt meant much to him, or maybe he hurts too, it's just by his reaction i can never tell what he's actually thinking.It's good to know that some other guys have the same problem. I just dont understand why it's so hard for you guys to open up! I've been dating for so many years, now i'm getting more and more confused about guys, i thought i know them but i dont at all.

[gHEXjt]

It's not all guys that are like him emotionally, but some are, and I know that I am. When my ex sat down and looked upset, I sat down and held her hand and told her I loved her. I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant, but then she told me she was breaking up with me. I just went numb. Like I said, I wanted to beg, but I couldn't say anything. It was like it hurt so much that it left me unable to do anything. She kneeled down and asked me if I had anything to say too, and I couldn't say anything. She said she hopes the break-up isn't forever, and then I said in response that it would be forever. That's the only thing I told her. Obviously I don't know you're boyfriend, but my ex probably left thinking that I hate her, and in reality she's still the only thing I think about and I would take her back in a second if she came back, and if you think that your boyfriend loves you or will, that may very well be the way he feels now too.

And I'm not surprised that he never called you. Everyone has been pounding into my head that I shouldn't call my ex at all. It kills me not to try and call her and beg her to take me back. But I just keep being told that if I call her it will just push her further away. I've never experienced a situation like this before, but it sounds like your boyfriend has, and probably knows these things that I'm just learning. Everyone just keeps telling me that if its meant to be, she'll realize the mistake she made and come back to me, and maybe that's the way he's thinking about it.

And like you said, the last time you did this he didn't call you, and was very happy when you finally called him. If you love him and think he loves you and think that he's the "one" for you, you shouldn't let this go. Because no one wants to live with regret over something like this.

[Broken smile]

the fact that he is not exclusive to you is a bit worrying but 5 months isnt a long time really and not everyone falls in love the same!

you sound like you want everything right now! perhaps he was cold with you because he got fed up of being hot and cold with you all the time

he also sounds quite insecure if you truely love this guy let him know and then back off big time he sounds like he needs space to find out his feelings for you

i always believe in what will be will be! ok you need to work at things but eventually they will work themselves out if it is ment to be.

give this man the space he needs to feel secure in himself before he feels secure in a relationship! i have made the mistake of feeling pushed into telling someone i loved them because i was scared i would lose them if i didnt! i didnt love them at the time i was still getting to know them i grew to love them eventually but now it feels false when i say i love you

[iamfeelingsad]

My bf did the same thing. A week before we broke up we thought I might got pregnant by accident, he didnt sound upset, I kind of feel(only my feeling) that he was actually kind of excited. Then I called him later to tell him I might want to take some time apart. I said I want to tell you something, he said" oh..is it good news or bad news?" i said it's not about the pregnancy, i tested and i know i'm not pregnant. Then he kept asking if i'm sure about that, when did i do that, why was I so worried about being pregnant(he's usually not so curious about things)...finally i told him i dont know him THAT WELL to have a baby with him. Maybe that kind of hurt his feelings. But to me, it's ridiculous that he's not sure about whether he's in love with me but is happy to have a baby with me! I know him, if I'm pregnant he'll definitely marry me..dont you think his logic is weird? He's happy to marry someone he's not even sure whether he's in love with?

Yes, brokensmile, i think maybe he'll need some time to figure out how he feels about me exactly. We did have an exclusive relationship, he didnt want to see any other woman, it's just his heart is not 100% devoted to the relationship. I alway have this feeling that he might is in love with me but he doesnt realize it because we're in a relationship. I even think maybe when he started dating other girls he'll realize how he really felt about me.(i'm not sure though, and it worries me that he might start seeing others). Maybe i was being hot and cold, but i think i made it very clear how much i care about him, and i was hot and cold because he never give me any promise. I never really said"love" to him but i told him i would do anything for him, i would even move to his town...The day we broke up is the first time i actually used the word "love". i said since we're breaking up i'd like you to know that" i was in LOVE with you. if you were just a little bit more brave to bring this relationship to a further level, i would do anything for you." He was silent on the phone for like 2 minutes, then he said he has to hang up because this is too tough on him....I was so humiliated. I think either he was disgusted by the word "love" from me(i know from my experience that when some guy i dont love tells me he loves me,it makes my stomach uncomfortable) , or he was being a chicken. I dont know, i'd rather it's the second one.

[MajorGlory]

Hey my lady sorry to hear youre feeling sad.. and sorry to have to speak my mind out like this.
Hes not the guy who will make you happy.. he seems to have too many problems on his own to allow a serene relationship. Listen darlin.. he can just get worse.
You deserve much more than a guy who doesnt know whether he loves you and who mutters even to catch the phone up to call you. You have a busy and successfull life and youll find someone to make you really happy darlin.. but now you need to stay tough with your decision.
In the meantime stay up my lady ok? a big hug

[Mish]

Oh Dear Oh Dear

Let me break away from the negative encouragement trend and cut the cake a little

What REALLY worries you?

a. If it is the fact that he doesn't "say" that he loves you BUT treats you in a way that shows you that he actually does love you (I.e. the only bit that's missing is him actually saying the words "I love you") then please stop wasting everyone's time and come back to him. The song i am thinking of here is "More than Words" by Extreme "Then you couldn't make things new, just by saying I love you"

b. If it is the fact that he doesn't "say" that he loves you AND he doesn't treat you in a way that shows you he loves you then it maybe a good idea to give him an incentive OR time to improve before just tearing the relationship to tiny little bits and pieces (For recollection inside of a big album called memories). Sometimes it is better to instead of saying "I am breaking up with you, but only if you showed me that you love me a bit more i wouldn't have done that" to "IF you fail to show me that you love me and you care about me then I will break up with you". Your partner now has a chance to act on it. If you really care about this person you may also include reasons as to why you believe that he does not love you and areas where he has to improve. Now, a statement like that is giving you a lot of power, which you can not afford to abuse. At the end of the day honesty and mutual agreement will resolve most conflicts. What this would also tell to your partner is that he is not powerless to stop the negative downturn of events and has a chance to save the relationship. Once, again this is only my opinion. If you really love this man then give him a chance to improve and if he doesn't improve at least you know you tried. OR you can follow advices of others here and simply change your address, phone number
and pretend he never existed. The choice is up to you.

A personal question, if i may...

I have noticed through some personal experience that girls/women seem to go through a certain period of uncertainty when a circumstantial chance of being pregnant comes up (I.e. when a girl/woman is not entirely sure even for a small period of time whether or not she is pregnant). I have noticed a certain trigger that makes a girl/woman reanalyze the current relationship. In the past i knew people who have changed their perspectives on their partners very quickly because they looked at the future and the partner they were with. It maybe that at that point on, the girl/woman forces herself to view the current partner not as just a present partner but as a permanent partner and due to the current partner's inabillity to match the permanent partner's criteria they decide to let them go (I hope i am making sense here I guess the question i am trying to ask is, when you were uncertain about whether or not you were pregnant did you change your view about your partner in any way? Did this play any part in your decision to break up? I am very sorry if this question is too personal, i would really like to know for personal reasons and due to past personal experience.

Wish you all the best in your future

Respect...

[iamfeelingsad]

I understand what you're saying. Let me think how to put it... It did not change my view about my bf but it did play a role in our break up. I fell in love with him at first sight and i told myself that's the man i wanna marry. That never changed. At "that point", i knew i wanna marry him no matter who he is.
However, at "that point" i started to seriously doubt whether we're gonna be happy together even if we managed to get married. I dated some guy who i did not dislike, who i actually liked but not in LOVE with for 2 years. Being with that guy just felt so different than being with my bf. I never treated that guy badly, but i'm so much more tolerant with my bf, i pay so much more attention to him and i show so much more affection to him, and everything comes all natural. In other words, life is just so much better with my bf although it was not bad with the other guy. It scares me to just think of the possibility of my bf feels the same way i felt about the other guy. Maybe that's why i'm so obssessed with the question whether he LOVES me or not. Anyway, the more i think about it the more i doubted my bf's feelings towards me. The more i doubted the more i tried to analyze everything, that just dirves me crazy. So it came to a point i just could not take it anymore, i had to break up with him just to quit thinking. I guess what i'm trying to say is the LOVE or NOT issue did bother me prior to "that point", but it started to seriously bother me after "that point", and it evetually lead to our break up. I dont even know the reason for that. That's just how i felt.

[Mish]

Hmmmm

"iamfeelingsad", You still did not answer my question. Does he show YOU as much love as you show HIM? If he does then i really think it shouldnt matter whether he says he loves you or not (In the end its just a word anyway). If he doesn't SHOW his love to you (I.e. he doesnt act like it) then he has to in order to be with you.

You are worried that if you dont leave him he will leave you for someone better than you in the future? (Like you left your previous ex). This is not a very healthy thing to worry about in a relationship. You have to understand that you cant tie a person to yourself with a metal chain no matter how hard you try. Even in the most perfect relationship there is a possibillity that the person you're with might leave. Don't let this go to your head.

Instead of cutting him off, I'd give him a choice. Explain how you desrve the same treatment that he is getting. Even though guys don't like ultimatums, they would prefer ultimatums to just plain end (that would be outside of their control). You obviously are in love with him, but have made up your mind to leave if he doesn't give you as much love as you give him. You have to communicate that to him and give him a chance to improve.

Finally you have to somehow get through to him that you are in fact NOT too good for him. Make him understand that his rationale is similar to people who think that rich make better people than the poor. For once he has to feel empowered enough to make his own decision (Tell him it doesnt have to be a decision that he will regret). Slap him around a little, it will show him you're not better

For youself, you have to establish what you want from him. What do YOU want him to do for YOU in order for YOU to stop worrying? (devotion, care, respect) You have to understand that love for some people takes time and the word "Love" in itself can mean different things to different people (My ex used to tell me she loves me and the next day she would say she doesnt love me because she doesnt feel like it - i'd prefer she wouldnt tell me she loved me at all). At the very least he should act as a boyfriend to you, care for you, be loyal to you and treat you with respect and you should not settle for anything less than that. Do Ask him what his definition of love is? It could be very different to yours. Maybe love to him means that his and your souls are forever bound together in heaven and earth for the whole enternity until the end of time and 5 months may not be enough for him to accept you on this level (Sorry, i'm being silly, but you can see where I'm going with this).

Don't let the pregnancy scare get in the way of your thinking. He is not going to be a father of your children (In the future do exercise more control - it is not too hard to do these days)

Also. Relax girl. This is not the end of the world. Dont burn any bridges and dont shove yourself into a corner. Best advice is watch comedies. See live shows. Exercise. Give some room for your mind to make relaxed and healthy decisions.

Hope above helps

Respect...

[iamfeelingsad]

Hey Mishanya, i thought i kind of answered your question, at least i tried to answer it the way i understood it. Maybe it's true that my definition of "love" is very different than my bf's. To me, "love" means a strong feeling comes naturally from the bottom of your heart, it's a feeling that you wanna share every thing with him, you dont wanna live without him...To my bf, "love" probably means getting married and bring me home to the parents...he's a very practical person. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is at "that point" i did not start doubting whether i have that kind of strong feelings of "love" towards him, but i did start thinking more practical questions like whether he's really gonna be a good husband, whether he'll treat me well enough after we got married, whether he'll cheat on me one day if he doesnt love me enough.....i knew i love him and i WANT TO marry him, but i started doubting whether we're really gonna be happy together, not only me but also him, i want him to feel very very happy with me too. If he does not, i'd rather give up and give him the chance and motivation to find the one he loves and be very very happy with her.

Anyway, Guys, i just wanna tell you guys i made a big move this morning, I CALLED HIM !! The whole week i've been drinking and smoking like a looser(i'm usually a very well behaved person), last night i went to the bar started drinking anything and everything they put in front of me, i was so drunk and of course there were guys(even some cute ones) tried to talk and flirt with me, but i found all i could think of is him...so this morning i grabbed the phone, i was like f*** it, i know i am asking for humiliation but i'll die if i dont talk to him. You know, i thought he either would not pick up the phone or would sound super cold on the phone and tell me it's over again. He picked up the phone, he did not sound mad or cold, he asked how i'm doing, then we just started talking like before. He told me he was also so so drunk last night(didnt say why though), he even tried to tell jokes to make me laugh, he told me not to drink so much......i did not dare to ask him if he wanna get back together, so we just talked like friends. Now i feel much better, even though i still dont know whether we're gonna get back together, at least i know he's not disgusted by me, he doesnt hate me. So, gHEXj, i think you should give your girlfriend a call too. Maybe it'll turn out to be different than what you expected, at least you know you tried. As for me, i plan to stay talking and being friends for a while and see how everything goes.....

[iamfeelingsad]

Oh, i forgot, i wanna thank all of you who replied my posts. I wouldnt be able to call him if i never read your replies. According to my own logic, i was pretty damn sure that he doesnt care about me and he doesnt love me. Your replies made me realize that people do think very differently, something that doesnt make sense to you might make sense to others, and that might be the situation between me and my bf.

[gHEXjt]

Glad to hear that you feel things are moving in the right direction. Hope everything turns out great for you and your bf's relationship.