in some serious heartache, hoping for a kind word and some advice

[john_doe]

hello, I met a girl at evening classes, she was always taking glances, complementing me being nice. I developed feelings for her but did not do anything about it

then she added me on fb, so she was aware I had a gf, from that day she has been very distant, avoiding my messages on skype and when she did answer I could see she was being cold, I figured it was because she found out I was in a relationship, its weird because I dont think i lead her on

I decided to tell her how I felt, I told her I have no feelings for the other girl and will end it but she said I dont have to choose between them because she is in a relationship as well. I am 99.9% sure she is not

she was obviously interested in me up until a week ago, is it possible that she had a change of heart so quickly? is this a test to see if I will go through with the breakup? she did tell me that if I am not in love with my girl I should end it so that we can both get on with our lives

[Vertigo]

I hope you realize that any girl who respects herself, would NEVER go for a boy who drops his girlfriend for her.

It says a lot about him, and how he would treat HER in the future.

If you're even entertaining thoughts of dropping your current girlfriend if someone "better" comes along, do your girlfriend and yourself a favour and rethink your morals.

[john_doe]

I hope you realize that any girl who respects herself, would NEVER go for a boy who drops his girlfriend for her.

It says a lot about him, and how he would treat HER in the future.

If you're even entertaining thoughts of dropping your current girlfriend if someone "better" comes along, do your girlfriend and yourself a favour and rethink your morals.

you make a valid point

there are some things i need to say, I have not seen my girlfriend in over a year, she lives in another country

and im not dropping her because someone better came along, I am not in love with her, but I found someone that I am in love with

i guess that makes me a coward, cause I would rather be with someone I was not in love with that be alone

i dont know what morals dictate in this situation, but sticking with someone you are not in love with and hurting doesnt sound like good advice

[Vertigo]

Well, yes I think you should end the relationship with your current girlfriend as soon as possible if you dont see it going anywhere.

(I personally dont believe in long distance relationships).

And that way, you won't have to explain / make yourself look like you're breaking up for someone else I wish you the best!

[john_doe]

thank you for taking the time to post, I really need your advice though

you obviously dont have a high opinion of me right now, I probably deserve that

but what do you think is going on with this girl? have I lost any chance i had with her? how can a person get over someone so easy, I wish i could do that, I would trade in heartbrake for cancer

[Vertigo]

No, I would be a fool to think I know you enough to judge you (negatively).
I'll give you my best guess of this situation. Three things could either be happening:

A) She never had a crush on you, she was just friendly. Some people are networkers and just make friends and once they feel they've made you "a friend", they stop being all friendly etc.

B) She did have a crush on you but it was very shallow or probably just the beginning stages. She might have had plenty of crushes at the same time (as single people do) - so it is easy for her to forget.

C) She did have a crush on you but once she realized you were in a relationship, she did not want to meddle in your affairs and backed off. I have done that before & so has many of my girlfriends. We don't want to cause any trouble between you and your girlfriend so we go cold. It's easy to stop crushing on someone for the right reasons.

[john_doe]

well, I am taking the plunge and breaking up with my girl, hopefully tonight


do you think I should pursue the girl I have feelings for? or is it too late. Im pretty sure it was a crush, she was very different with me than with others, and she would literally not miss a chance stare at me, the fact that she is so cold now worries me though

thanks for taking the time to help me out, I do not have much relationship experience, and you can tell by the fact I completely messed this up

[Vertigo]

Hey no worries about it - we're all blind when we're in the situation but we all become wise when giving advice to others =P

I'd say give the girl a shot. Casually tell her you & your ex broke up but emphasize it was for your OWN personal reasons (don't let her think it was because of her) and try your luck with this new girl. Who knows? She might rekindle the crush she had on you before? (This is actually how my now ex got me to date him. I had a crush on him, stopped crushing after I realized he had a GF, they broke up for their own reasons and after a while, I gave him a chance) And if she doesn't reciprocate, well, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

And also, to make yourself feel better, ask yourself truthfully: do you *really* have feelings for her UNIQUELY or are you really just liking her because she showed interest in you? ;-) You might surprise yourself!

+ Lastly, be kind to your girl when you break up with her (wish you the best!)

[john_doe]

thanks for the solid advice, i hope some good karma comes your way

[anya_may21]

I'd be put off too, like the girl in your class was. She doesn't want to be a third wheel in your relationship.

[michelle23]

If you wernt in love with her, unhappy and she lives in a different country-why didnt you end it ages ago?? Fear of being alone?

You should learn to be happy on your own and take some breaks in between relationships so your not hopping from one girl to the next.

If you go out with someone just coz you dont like being alone then your with her for the wrong reasons and its unlikely to make you happy

[smackie9]

Girls are not stupid. If you smile, get caught glancing at them, sit by them, give them attention, they take that as a sign of being interested, that is why she requested you on FB.

Anyways it's obvious you don't have that much experience. The give away is the LDR that you won't end....and just the point of being in a LDR tells me you have trouble hookin up with girls irl. So here you are wondering what to do. It's a no brainer that the LDR is a usless way to date someone. You really need to make the changes in your life and sieze this opportunity to really date someone that is actually sitting next to you. Breaking up with your LDR is not the end all, this girl is still going to be wary about you, will be asking or hinting about your ex. And she will be wonderin gif this is goingto turn into a rebound for her. So don't be surprise if she takes things slow, and is a little cautious of you and your intentions.

[dontaskme]

Break up with your current girlfriend and be single for awhile or else, your relationship with this girl will turn into a rebound relationship.