How do you know if you are being used?

[whyk43]

This is something that I really struggle with because I just don't know. I don't know how to tell if a guys actions are really genuine of not...and what those actions should look like. It has really screwed me over because I look at a guys actions, assume he is just using me, tell him I want to cut things off, they tell me I'm wrong, and then I doubt myself and go back to them. It's a cycle of insanity. And usually ends horribly for me.

So I'm asking, how do you really know?

[javko]

Sadly you don't... Its a sad truth but you can't just tell by some rules or other what not bullshit. That requires psychology and knowing the person well. My advice is:
First: Find a reason for that person to want to be your friend (or boyfriend).
Second: Never let your guard down, If he is someone you that you don't know your only partly know
Third: Never doubt or hate yourself! Self confidence is a key factor in living a wonderful life but don't also cross the line
Final: Your parents are the ones that you can trust the most! Talk to them if you need something and they will most likely help you out for the best!
Guys and girls alike are assholes but don't forget that there are nice people in the world! Don't lock yourself in but also don't cross the line.
Good luck and have a wonderful day!

[lalalita]

Actually, I think it's pretty obvious. Actions speak volumes, as do "bad feelings" about things. Be smart, don't deny the obvious, and listen to your instincts.

[michelle23]

You gotta let your guard down at some point. Stop thinking everyone you meet is bad.. you gotta give people a chance. Stop being so anxious. Relax. Enjoy it. If it feels right, it probably is.

Just don't get sexual with him unless you think its going somewhere...

[basilandthyme]

Looking back over your previous threads, I think there is a large problem in your tendency to lay blame. If someone's needs don't meet yours, it doesn't mean that they are using you. All it means is that you're not compatible.

If you find a gap in what they want vs what you want, you end it swiftly and without blame or accusation. Just say to both him and yourself "this isn't working for me, I'm going to move on".

[whyk43]

The thing is what I've encountered are guys who don't do the "typical" things that indicate that they like me. But when I ask them for clarity they tell me the things I want to hear. So it's either they are lying to me about everything or they are being really weird and unusual about how they approach me. So it's not so much about them meeting my needs...it's about them saying they are and will but they aren't able to due to various situations that they want me to believe. It makes me all very confused

[MonaLisa]

As long as a guy persists, shows real interest, is supportive, tries to make you happy and wants a relationship with you, he is not there to ''use'' you. If his interest is limited to sexual encounters and he's not honest about his intentions, then he's using you.

[smackie9]

Stop calling these guys out, you make yourself look paranoid. If you feel you have to do that you should move on anyways, like basilandthyme told you. I also agree you need to change your perception, and see it as what it is, you are just not compatible with each other. Don't be bitter at these guys, you just need to take your time and choose more wisely. That is what going out on "dates" is all about, like kicking a few tires to see if they measure up or not.

- - - Updated - - -

Tip: Manogamy before sex. Don't give up the cookie so soon.

[anya_may21]

Trust your gut instinct.

If it feels wrong it probably is if you cannot trust your own gut instinct ask someone who you trust what they think and compare.

[whyk43]

I think you guys are right about a lot of things. It's only been two guys this has happened with....and their behaviors that I "called them out" for were unusual. It was like seeing each other only once every week or two weeks, no phone calls, texts that went no where, last minute meet ups, focus on sexual not really getting to know me. But they always had reasons for why this was occuring and they seemed like good guys, they said they would never use someone, so I would believe and that behavior would continue.

It was always so hard because I didn't want to be wrong in case they were telling the truth. I figured as long as I wasn't being used, I could adjust to them because they did like me, they just were really busy, or not a phone person, or lived 45 min away, etc

I have some serious things to work on

[woody]

Watch out for patterns and getting stuck in them. 'Adjusting' one's self to suit another will always fray one's edges; meaning, if you compromise yourself and what your own gut is telling you, well, that's just unfair and will never bode well.

Perhaps these men were just not men for you. I suspect that one fine day, you will meet someone that feels so natural and right there will be no room for doubt or misinterpretation. You won't have to doubt because you'll just know he's a good man.

I wouldn't read too much into your perceived notion of being used per say but rather accept that there are matches out there and being young and dating is a path, a path that you learn on, learn what makes you happy, what your comfortable with, what personalities of a person feels right and what kind does not. Just don't get wrapped up in any patterns.
Self worth lady. Remember who you are and all you have to offer. Keep your bar high and treat others as you wish to be treated. This will attract people of like mind and heart.
There are many good men out there, often where you'd least expect them to be, they appear.

[michelle23]

Thats what we mean by "actions speak louder than words". Those two guys were only telling you what you want to hear. If a guy is into you-he will make an effort, text you, see you regularly, introduce you to his friends etc.. he will also wait for you to bring up sex or or for you to drop a hint about it.

- - - Updated - - -

I remember a guy I went out with. About ten mins into the date-i realized I don't trust him.. by the end of it I never wanted to see him again.. he was the same way "too busy" to meet me from one week to the next. Apparantly working 5days, then gardening work sat, worked in a bar fri nights, training 3 evenings.. I thought this dude defo has a gf.. and then he brought up sex almost straight away.. I ran for the hills lol

[TablesandChairs]

Words are cheap. Actually, they're free. I never put much weight on what I'm told; I pay attention to what I see and feel.

When a guy likes you, you'll know - he will text/call/want to meet you regardless of how busy he is. And - let's just say you do happen to meet someone who legitimately is extremely busy that they have no time for you...why are they looking for a girlfriend, then? Relationships require an investment of time.

When I first joined this forum, I was seeing a guy who I discovered was married. While I didn't find out until months down the track, I always knew something was off. I tried to break if off several times but every time, he had a 'valid' excuse - they were only living together for financial reasons, the divorce was 'pending' blah blah. Anyway, when I met the man I'm now engaged to, everything felt different - I never once felt anything was 'off', I was invited to his place for dinner the next night; I met his house-mates; I met his family within a week; he called all the time, he kept all his promises.

You'll know when you're not being used because it's obvious.

[whyk43]

Thank you for the input...I think I've never experienced it before which is why I just don't know.

But I'm going to try to put more emphasis on actions. Giving them the benefit of the doubt with continuous excuses can only go so far. I guess I'm still learning that not everyone is as honest an genuine as I expect them to be

It's hard for me to understand how a guy would string someone along when they have very littlle interest in them and they know that that person values them. I would never do that to anybody because I would never want to hurt someone like that . You never know what people have been through and what could be so damaging to them

[TablesandChairs]

Say, you walk into a shop with the intention of buying a product. You come across a full-on, 'dodgy' type of salesman that would sell his own grandmother for a buck...he's pressuring you to buy an expensive product, you feel kind of intimidated and uncomfortable. Do you fork out $$ and buy the product or do you say 'No thanks' and move on? I know plenty of people who cave in and buy whatever they're being pressured into and these people genuinely have a hard time in relationships, too. Why? Because a-holes, like salespeople, can sense a fool. I've been there and I learned. Not to say I became one of those 'I hate all men' catastrophes, but you learn to smell a rat and when you do, the stink is quite repelling,

Point is, there are jerks everywhere, the aim is to not let yourself get suckered in because your time is the most valuable thing you have and someone stealing that time under false pretences is theft.