+ Follow This Topic
Results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: My boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008. Is this a problem?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    1

    My boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008. Is this a problem?

    As the title says - my boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008.

    I am 9 years older than him (he is 31) and I am employed. Years ago I agreed to allow my boyfriend to live rent free with me but he spends his savings - he saved thousands from a job working in a private members club in a large city - on food and clothes. He lives extremely frugally) because I wanted him to explore his creative urges and be free to write. I used to want to be a writer when I was younger and my parents pushed me to work early on and I feel I squandered any talent I had by not working on it. I didn't want the same for him. I know he cares for me, but he has told me that he doesn't love me. He had a difficult break up in 2006 with a woman he loved but who treated him unfairly. They spoke on the internet for years and then she stopped talking to him. He had fallen in love with her and he waited until she finally visited him. She decided not to pursue the relationship and it generated anxiety in him. He was a broken man when I met him, but I valued his ethics and morals very much.
    My problem now is - he hasn't worked since 2008 and he is obviously not happy. He has spoken of wanting to commit suicide. He does not want to return to work. I am waiting hoping that he will one day love me as I have loved and supported him, but I am not confident that he will ever return to work. I have never asked for any contributions for rent from him, but my friends have told me that the relationship is unbalanced for this reason and that he needs to work. I don't know what to do about this situation, or what to say to him. I fear that I will lose him if I ask him to contribute to paying rent. He will leave me and I don't want him to. What do you think I should do to make the situation more healthy? Can anyone help me?
    I need to add something. - In 2010 I disclosed sexual aspects of my relationship to a male friend of mine - an ex lover. - This ex told me that he fantasized about us. I crossed boundaries and I realize this now, but when I did this I was numb to this and did not recognize it.

    My boyfriend found out when he said he felt jealous and asked to check logs of our conversations. He told me he would leave me if I didn't show him.
    My boyfriend was very upset as a result and we have never been able to regain his trust. In addition he has been asking for something from me and I don't know how to give it to him: he says I don't give enough of myself to him emotionally.
    Because he has felt alienated in our relationship, on two occasions I said that I would accept him having a relationship with another woman so long as he stayed safe (STIs). He said he did it to provoke me into reacting and giving more to him emotionally. I did not want to lose him so I agreed.

    We have discussed breaking up before and he has told me that he would like to continuing living with me as it is difficult to find a roommate he can trust. He would pay rent in this case. I am not sure that this is a good idea.

    What is a man's perspective on all of this?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    9,938
    You don't need a man's perspective

    You are co-dependent. Your relationship is dysfunctional and you are settling for second best as well as allowing him to treat you as second best because you either have a fear of being alone or think you can't/wont do any better

    My adivce-research co-dependency and get help with it. Find the strength to end this, ask him to leave, cut contact with him and get over him

    Set your standards higher and find someone you don't need to change, fix or share with another woman. I can't believe you agreed to that! Are you also seeing other men? I hope you are

    No matter the dynamic of a relationship-it should be equal and you should both be happy.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Ill just add-if you are too scared or insecure to leave, then start seeing other people while he finds a new girlfriend. It may show you what a real man is and help you leave

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,573
    why are you supporting a man who has told you he does not love you, he is basically using you as a substitute mother where you take care of all his needs that is why he doesn't work. let him move in with his family - you need to stop supporting him he wasn't jealous of you and that other man he was scared you'd push him out and all his freebies would be gone and that other guy would get it all, to be jealous you need to love someone he told you he doesn't. Damn and you even let him f uck others - man no wonder this guy can't be shaken. you need to cut him loose tell his family he is suicidal and let them take over from now on.
    When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.
    William Blake

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    112
    I didn't read past the title. Yes it's a problem. Move on.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,036
    The guy is a loser. Why can't you find a real man?

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    University District Seattle, WA
    Posts
    86
    Sometimes it's better to be alone. Living alone... taking care of yourself. Get rid of him, he's taking you down with him. He is suicidal? That's a HUGE "take care of me "flag!
    I LOVE ... US

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    I don't know..If you find me, let me know.
    Posts
    41
    I haven't read your post completely, but I think its time to move on. I have a one question for you, you said he hasn't work since 2008 so then why are you supporting him, I think its almost 6 years. I think you have to move on now dear, just think about your future because with this guy you have no future so think about it..

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    1,150
    Good Golly Woman, what are you doing? I mean, ok ok, I get you wish to help him but hey hey now, there comes a time you've just got to pick up the pieces and drop this guy. FOR YOU!!! What on EArth are you hoping to accomplish? Accomplish his love? Save him? At what cost?

    Hey, it won't be easy moving on. Once a person becomes a victim there is a sad tendency to get stuck in the pattern. So re gain your self worth; remember who you are and what you have to offer and for goodness sake, don't allow him to grab you back with false notions. Be strong. Be FEIRCE and MOVE ON. Stick to your guns and get this person out of your life.
    It is NOT your responsibility to save him. He's the only one who can do that. and I think you know it or else you wouldn't be here sharing and asking for advice so you already know what needs to be done.

    You can do this. Don't be afraid. There's a whole World outside waiting for you.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    1,066
    Quote Originally Posted by Exeter19 View Post
    why are you supporting a man who has told you he does not love you, he is basically using you as a substitute mother where you take care of all his needs that is why he doesn't work. let him move in with his family - you need to stop supporting him he wasn't jealous of you and that other man he was scared you'd push him out and all his freebies would be gone and that other guy would get it all, to be jealous you need to love someone he told you he doesn't. Damn and you even let him f uck others - man no wonder this guy can't be shaken. you need to cut him loose tell his family he is suicidal and let them take over from now on.
    +1

    OP, stop acting like his mother.
    A strong woman takes advantage of help she can get from people around her but she doesn't rely on them for anything

    She uses logic and manages her emotions

    She offers help either because it is a business transaction or out of kindness. It is never because she hopes others will return the favour or out of fear of losing them

    She has her own mind and thinks for herself and knows that she has to be the one who bears the consequences of her decisions

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Sao Paolo
    Posts
    5
    odd situation, but my cousin Jenny was in the same - her ex-husband one day just stopped do anything - he left his work, didn't do any housework, he didn't talk with her most of the time he spent on facebook.com or originclub.com you know what I mean... She suffered for yaer but then they divorced - he is living with his new wife and almost happy I don't know reasons of what happened.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    14
    The guy is a PARASITE, emotionally and financially to you. Throw him out, he has depended on you too long. You deserve bette. Let us know what you are going to do, or what action you have taken. If you dont want to speak to him face to face, then do something indirectly like change the locks, so he cant get in. Leave his stuff outside and he may hang around for a while but eventually he will go. Being a parasite he will find someone else to latch onto until he grows up. Good luck

Similar Threads

  1. Why Hasn't she mention her boyfriend ?
    By Rasev445 in forum Love Advice forum
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 21-04-14, 03:16 PM
  2. Do you think what I almost did would have worked?
    By Love'sReject in forum Ask a Female Forum
    Replies: 72
    Last Post: 05-03-13, 07:07 AM
  3. The Ex-Boyfriend Problem
    By everton11 in forum Love Advice forum
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-05-09, 11:50 AM
  4. Problem with my boyfriend
    By abcdefg in forum Love Advice forum
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 07-08-05, 02:52 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •