unsure where to go from here

[onika]

Ok this is the situation me and my boyfriend have been together for three and a half years and this summer he went back to work at this office. he worked there last year as well. last year there was a girl he fancied and it made things between us very rocky.then we went to uni and it sorted its self out again and it was a really good year.

well he now likes two girls there and although im not bothered by him liking other girls it makes him doubt his feelings for me. last week i came back from spain(hols) and he said he didnt love me anymore and just wanted to be friends i asked him how long since he didnt love me and he said about a week.

Now if he had said a year or a couple of months then fair enough i would have accepted that but a week. peoples feelings dont change over night. so i told him that he was being hasty and that we should stay together for about two more months and see if he still feels the same. so things were ok then.

now ive come back to uni for 10 days and he is being all werid again. im not sure what it is thats wrong with me or him? and i need some advice on how to handle this situation. these next two months are going to be make or break and at the moment he isnt talking very much to me i need to try to make this work or distance myself so it doesnt hurt in the long run

please help

[updraft]

Ok From your post I'd say your 21 or 22...so here's what you do. Talk to him in person one more time, this time be very blunt. First you ask him point blank: "Are you seeing someone else?"....his reponse will be very telling. If he can't look you in the eyes and tells you a sheepish no, then you need to probe further. If he says yes, then here's what you do: say "Goodbye", walk away never talk to this lousy heap of cow dung ever again.

PS> He probably never loved you he just said this to get laid. Sorry to be so direct, but you need to recognize a cheater when you see one. The fact that he says he doesn't love you since a week ago leads me to believe he never really loved you, probably liked you alot ...until he met these other girls .... dump this idiot and find someone worthy of your attention.

[COAD]

Updraft got a very awesome point...

Some people got no heart at all to break someones heart just to get laid. And thats what it sounds like too.

[GrkScorp]

Updraft got a very awesome point...

Some people got no heart at all to break someones heart just to get laid. And thats what it sounds like too.

everyong is right... it sounds like he just got bored with the two of you in the bedroom.. and he's considering his other two options... run... run... away...

[carpflounder]

One thing that seems to be wrong with you is just the fact that you have stayed with a guy who is interested in other girls.

He obviously wants to date other girls. He does not love you. You want to hang onto it. Why??

Alot of the girls who come here asking for help with their cheating bfs seem to lack the gene for common sense. Since you dont want to leave him...maybe the two of you will reach an agreement. He sees other girls and you can put up with it.

From England? Well 20 pounds says that you wont dump him.

[MajorGlory]

Sorry my lady but carpflounder is just so damn right

You dont deserve a guy who runs after other girls and has so low respect of you and your feelings.. this is not love. Hes just another selfish bastard
Believe me darlin dump this ******* once for all
Hope you keep well.. hug!

[mini696]

I would guess he said "about a week" because -in his twisted mind- it makes it easier for you to handle.

I also think that taking two months to see if the love comes back is the wrong choice. He is acting strange, because he doesnt love you, and is too gutless -or is using you for sex- to walk away.

3 1/2 years is a long time to be together, and feelings can change a lot during this time. He has admitted to liking other girls (I find that really degrading to you) so I would tell him to leave and go to one of these girls.

Mick

[onika]

I am 21 and turn 22 this time round
Thanks for all your comments,
i can tell you now that there was never anything wrong with our sex life and that during these next two months im not going to be stupid enough to sleep with him. if he isnt going to try then he isnt going to get any.

ross(thats his name) is one of those really shy quiet types and he doesnt chase these girls he just likes them and doesnt think its ok to "just look" at these other girls while is is engaged to me. im his first girlfriendand we did start sleeping together for about aa year into our relationship. What happen last year was completely out of his character Nothing at all happened with this other girl except maybe flirting but i even doubt that, all these things about these other girls are in his head. Before he meet me all his friends were guys so he is not use to attension from other girls other then me. and what with it being such a small office they probably talk to him coz there is nothing else to do but work. so i dont thik even they fancy him. If anything he might possible come across as camp(gay). The problem is that he thinks looking at other peple is unfair to me when its not you wont be human if you didnt look at other people. i need to help him sort out his true feelings for me and if he really doesn`t love then we need to take steps backwards to either start at the beginning or split.

[Mish]

Hi Onika

First of all do you love him? Will it hurt you if you loose him?

Well, since you explained yourself that you may need to split with him if he continues to insist that he doesnt love you, then i might as well give my very cruel cruel 20 cents...

Tell him to get out and sort out his feelings. Tell him that if he doesn't love you then you dont belong together...

Here's what i believe will happen next. he's very inexperienced at dating. You're are the only girl he had and he will suck at finding a replacement for you. The shock will go right through his system. He will want to hurt you by dating someone else. He will stumble and he will fall (Very hard). In a few months time he will come crawling back beaten and bruised by the cold outside world, proclaiming his eternal love for you and asking you to take him back. The question is, i guess would you want him back?

Your answers to my very first questions are very important because if you love him you will wait for him to stumble and to fall (Even if he does manage by some luck to find somebody else for a little while). Answer to will it hurt you if you loose him is important because there is a slight chance that he will not come back.

Hope above helps. Good luck

Respect...

[onika]

Hi Onika

First of all do you love him? Will it hurt you if you loose him?


Your answers to my very first questions are very important because if you love him you will wait for him to stumble and to fall (Even if he does manage by some luck to find somebody else for a little while). Answer to will it hurt you if you loose him is important because there is a slight chance that he will not come back.



...

yes i love him it creates a huge lump in my chest to ever consider life without him. And if i loose him i dont know what will happen i have my friends and family but my life will seem empty.

In about a month he is going back to uni so this other girls definately wont be an issue and things will go back to as they were before. Which is great. i dont know what it is about working in that crappy office its like everyone there hates me and they are putting ross off me. at the mo ross is being really depressed and not wanting to do anything about anything. do you think me spliting with him will really motivate him. i dont want him to just get more depressed and then do something stupid. i not to sure if he would come crawling back he would be to scared to remeber he is very shy even sometimes with me.

[updraft]

well he now likes two girls there and although im not bothered by him liking other girls it makes him doubt his feelings for me. last week i came back from spain(hols) and he said he didnt love me anymore and just wanted to be friends i asked him how long since he didnt love me and he said about a week.

Ok what your last post indicated was that you spoke to him recently. You contradict yourself when you say:

"so i dont thik even they fancy him. If anything he might possible come across as camp(gay). The problem is that he thinks looking at other peple is unfair to me when its not you wont be human if you didnt look at other people. "

You initially said you thought he was flirting with them or possibly more thats why you asked us or advice....even if he didn't actually cheat on you he may be emotionally cheating if you know what I mean.

You also said you doubted his feelings for you....now it sounds as if you're defending him....boy he has been working on your brain trying to convince you nothing is going on, blah blah blah....The fact he told you he likes two other girls is a big red flag girl. Most men don't even tell their gf's this. Whether these two girls like him back or not is the burning question. The fact is if you two are in a serious relationship why the hell is he seeking other women (and the dumb part is telling you that he is)

Look, I would take a break from him if I were you and if after lets say, a month, he is still acting weird, dump him and move on. Life is short girl.

[Mish]

"i dont want him to just get more depressed and then do something stupid. i not to sure if he would come crawling back he would be to scared to remeber he is very shy even sometimes with me." BY Onika

Onika, you don't understand. It is BECAUSE he is very very SHY is why he will fail to find somebody else and come back to you. You are are not telling him to get out and never come back, you are telling him to get out and sort out his feelings. So really you are not burning any bridges here. He will know to come back only when he has found for himself that he loves you and cant live without you.

In regards of his attittude changing after he leaves his work and is no longer surrounded by women, maybe you're right. Maybe his attittude will change and he will begin to tell you once again that he loves you. But for how long? Will it be until he is in situation surrounded by women again? I mean, is he going to act like this again in a few months time when he feels there's another opportunity and he has another shot?

You are the only person he has ever been with. It's both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he will totally suck at finding someone else and a curse because he will always wander if he is missing out and is settling for you when he could have someone better. I see the solution i proposed as the only long term solution to this situation. Being such an introverted person he will either be overcome by emotion and will most definetly come back to you or be lucky enough to find somebody else and forget you. If i was you i would rather find out sooner rather than later which way he is bound to go...

Once again, just my opinion... Good luck!!!

Respect...