Not sure where I stand.

[lostalone]

Hi!

I need some advice and not sure where to turn to and good ol' google directed me to this website here.

A little background about me:

I am a strong, cultured person and well accomplished including running my own business and expanding amongst many other things. I am highly educated and not a typical person or a typical male that sleeps around, drinks or plays games. That certainly is not within me and never has been, and yes at times I feel throughout my life that I do not fit in anywhere in today's society. I keep myself to myself and a humble person. I always work, I love what I do and that is where my most attention is. However for that someone, there will always be time and I do what I can to make that time for them.
I am very mature from a very young age and don't mess around. I know the right from wrong and believe in continual self improvement/personal development. It is how you should be and given my nature of the work, it pretty much is a requirement.

So, after a couple of failed relationships in the past (BTW - I don't date endlessly like most, I have been at the end of horrible dates and those dates were the ones where I felt they seemed a right balance for me but turned out, they weren't!), it took me a while to pick up the courage and find a partner.
It took me a long while due to constant rejection because I am not fit, sexy, or hot.

Cut the long story short, I finally met someone a year ago and seemed really nice and decent.
We have had our ups and downs like most but it seems that she is the one always causing me to walk out. I walk out to have a clear break and to step away from the situation rather than being in it in the heat as that can cause ALOT of further problems and that is not me. I like to walk away, reflect on things and put things in perspective. I am NOT a violent type of person or "abuse" anyone in any way and I strongly stand up for people who have been through that.

Every so often, we have the downs. But as of late, I have noticed a good few changes and not sure what to do.


Warning: I apologise if my post goes in different directions but I cannot seem to make it a structured path because my head keeps spinning around.

a few months ago, I discussed with her a form of commitment - i.e a commitment ring to demonstrate that I am not like others, that I am a devoted and committed person and certainly don't associate myself with people who mess around, who lie, who cheat etc... and she knows that I am not like that at all. She was open and happy with that idea, so at least she cannot say or think that I would play silly games.
We agreed and both were happy with that discussion. So we have a commitment ring.

fast forward, I have tried to do my bit when I am at hers like helping out with simple things even though I feel like a guest, it still is my duty to help around since I do stay over a few days a week compared to my own place.
I have bought her little presents to show my appreciation for her such as diamond earrings (which she chose) and other bits and pieces.

I run around to try and do things for her. I make my schedule work around her because I have a lot more flexibility in that than she does. And I believe that in order to be in a successful relationship, you should sacrifice/compromise and make it happen because you are investing time/money/effort. a relationship does not work if you sit back and do nothing and only see each other whenever your schedule permits.

Anyway, recently she just does not seem to get that I am here that I don't get attention from her. What I mean is, she always seems to be doing some chores around the house ALL the time. Granted housework NEVER finishes but she gives more attention to her pet and friends than me.

I have spoken to her numerous times if I have done something wrong (which I know I haven't) and she keeps saying no and is happy with us. I tell her, as I am an open and honest person, that I feel neglected or made to feel that my own purpose is to be a bed warmer (so she cuddles me in sleep) or just do the chores around the house (her house!).

we used to have a lot of passion and intimacy (I am a very passionate and affectionate person - you know, the one that sometimes comes up behind you and holds you tight in arms and kisses you, or stealing kisses). Now, I barely get anything because she never makes the time like she used to for me. I always make time for her.

A few times before, she was "suspicious" of me because I wouldn't stay over and would start stalking me online on various websites (I visit a few forums, mainly for community work related to my job, sometimes even facebook but I am not a social media person) and then out of the blue she would just be very cryptic and making a big deal and making accusations that I am seeing someone else.
To prove the point I am not, I started staying more and more over at hers so at least she has nothing to be "suspicious" about.

Now, I travel every so often abroad for meetings. before her, I used to take my time such as spending 2-3 weeks away and then come back so I can catch up with co-workers and friends, have a nice meal in the evenings etc... but since she came in my life, I usually come back within a week and forget about catching up after work. I go as far as trying to get back to the mainland earlier than my original dates so I can give her a nice surprise and because I believe we are together, I would make the effort. It's not nice when you are away for a while - you miss that person. we both feel (at least I thought she did until recently) mutual about that were we just crave for each other and feel lost without being together and holding hands.

Anyway, all she ever does is spend time with others or just focus on getting things done around the house. Now that's all very well but where do I fit in this? I feel like a "slob" just wasting away at hers. Sure I do work (I can work from home most of the time) but still its like, if I make the time and effort I would expect the same back or at least similar.

During weekdays, she comes home from work... she does dinner (or I do), we sit, eat and hold hands when we are eating... then she picks up her pet, comes home and then spends more time with the dog than she does with me and then bed time again and she is always "tired".

used to, we were always making time and would take any chance we get to have intimacy. But now, only once a week if I am lucky. I have asked her if I do anything wrong in that area or if she is satisfied etc.. and she says she LOVES it. She always arrives if you get my drift.

I really don't know what has changed. I confronted her a few times this week that she just doesn't seem to spend time with me and I feel left "to it" on my own.
she then started an argument saying that it seems I am manipulating her and saying things to make myself feel good. This made NO sense at all as I was only stating the facts that I am made to feel how I feel and maybe she should put herself in my shoes and see if she would like the same thing if the tables were turned. She doesn't respond to that but just says "I am not changing. that's the way it is. if I don't get things done then I will never relax" - well that's the thing, she doesn't relax and I try to help out. She always is on the go.... she doesn't seem to have time for a relationship at all.
She then says that she doesn't want her place like mine. Apparently my place is not tidy or clean - well actually, it is in respect because it is a rented place and yes I do have trouble from time to time with people upstairs. I spend most of the time at hers so when do I have time to clean up? When I do go home, of course I clean up/tidy. The place is NOT a slob or anything like that... it may not be a perfect place but it is still a roof over my head. I lived there for years before I met her so at this point, she puts me down and makes me feel I am worth nothing and everything I do to get where I am today is just... childs play of some kind.

seems like it is on her terms whenever she wants. even if she gets 1 hour free in the week, she will spend it with me (which I am grateful for) but this isn't the way a relationship should be.

There is more to it than this but I cannot seem to put it down. I am so sorry for wasting much of your time. I really just don't know what to do.

I was robbed a few months ago whilst I stayed over at hers and I have been devastated by it. A lot of my business and personal assets were stolen and not found. She never really made me come to terms with it or let me deal it in my way but only do things her way. That isn't good.

For me, its difficult to be out there socially because people judge me based on my race or age or whatever other excuse. People make it so difficult to be with a single person because they just move on to the next person on the list just for "fun" or whatever, then decent men never get a chance... so damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I finally, FINALLY, find someone who seems to be reasonable than others but then all of this happens. I just don't get why things aren't the same like they were even 2 months ago.
For our anniversary, I took her to a very special and expensive restaurant as a treat and we went away for the weekend. It was wonderful. Then a couple of weeks ago when I came back from being away for business, she just changes.

she says things which are NOT true at all, forces me to accept it and washes her hands on it. Its like anything I say, does not count and means nothing. I have learned ALOT from people and I know what I want in a relationship and even what the definition of a relationship is but with her, just seems she has no time for me and when I tell her about it, she says "here we go again.... rubbish."

I just wish you could see and hear what the conversation goes like. I am a respectful person, I put credit where it is due but if something is staring you in the face and is on the table... it is what it is. I don't sugar coat it or decorate it in any way. I always look outside the box otherwise you can never get a real perspective of the situation.

She says she loves me but... doesn't seem like it recently. I used to take her out for a nice meal or a movie or some other activity but for a couple of months now - not really. she is always doing something like she is running a lot to lose weight, even though I told her she does not need to do that but if she feels she needs to then no one is stopping her. She has joined a slim club...spends time there.
its like, we cant be together properly. I tell her...she then starts the drama again.
Again, so sorry for babbling on. I just don't know what to do or where I have gone wrong. I compromise a lot for her because I care and it is the right thing to do I feel. If I don't, then the impression would be that I probably don't care and I don't treat her right.