woody needs help

[woody]

I think I might be in trouble.
Three or so years ago I fell in love with the person I had long waited for. For many years before that I lived alone, fairly closed off from the World out in the woods, half way up a mountain. I enjoyed my time there with my dog, two cats and the garden. Had no running water, fire only to keep warm in the cold months, no internet, TV, so on... It was a struggle sometimes but mostly, I thoroughly enjoyed my solitude.
The person I was engaged to a few years before living in the woods had committed suicide and losing this person was and remains one of the saddest things in my life. So I needed the space. It wasn't fair putting anyone through me so I stayed away from people. I don't think I spoke with anyone aside from grocery folks for months at a time.
Was also celibate for 5 years and I know in hindsight, closing myself off from human touch was not the right thing to do. Yet, getting over what had happened required time and anyone who's been with one who commits suicide knows full well the guilt associated with such a thing.
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About 6 years later, my family, worried, came and got me. By the way, I am female, not male. Guess I skipped that part when signing up here, sorry.
So off I go reluctantly, back to Society. REnt a little place in a Gypsy Park so I could be with my four legged furry friends. I still stayed to myself, still in mourning, still no people.
I grew up truly believing in romance and destiny. I can't tell you how many tears and years I cried. I missed him yet I knew I had to go on.
This wasn't easy.
A few months into living at the Gypsy Park surrounded by beautiful trees, moss covered forest floor I began to smile more; and one fine day a man came and knocked on my door. He had the biggest smile and most sparkly eyes I'd seen and my heart pounded in my chest as he spoke. He looked so familiar though I know I had never seen him before.
He began courting me. It felt like the Universe had sent him to me, it felt like he was to be the ONE. (I know, I know, old school romantic here.) He told me he was an artist and he told me he was also a drinker. (At least he was honest about it I thought). and I never suspected it would be so very much but it was and remains so.
but We began our whirlwind romance none the less and within a year he bought us a little house a few towns over. It was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done.
So now I'm here. Its been three or so years. He hasn't been painting, nor does he work and he drinks and is home every day. He seems happy and perfectly content doing so. He tells me he just needs some rest time and that one day, he'll decrease the drink and start painting again.
Here lies my concerns. I know he bought the house with what was left of his savings and I am thankful. I know that if he sells it, he gets his money back. This place is an investment. I also know that I give him every dime I earn because its not much and we need to pay the bills, the utilities, the food.
I do most of the cleaning and I don't mind this, if only he'd paint again and maybe drink a little less. every day its the same thing... I am just starting to feel like a maid. I love him but I find myself having dark thought like, "gee, he's sitting pretty, invests the rest of his cash to get this place so he doesn't drink it all, gets me here to be his little house wifey and I 'm the only one who brings any money in. I give everything I've got."

If only he'd paint again I think I could handle all of it; but its been years now and he's still playing the same ol tune, drinking every day while listening to the radio. Again though, I do love him and he makes me laugh. We are good together.. I love our home, our garden; but am I blind to any red flags here? Should I be concerned that though he may love me, is he also using me a little? I don't mind contributing but I thought couples go 50/50 on things like bills.
If only he'd paint or do something.
I don't know what I'm asking if anything. For a time now I've been coming to this site offering advice when I can give it. I suppose I'm asking now for your opinion.
I am a hopeless oldschool romantic. I put allot into that. I'd like to spend my life with him but am worried.
Do you think I ought be or am I over thinking things.??
anyway, I figured it was time to share a little about myself.

I do hope your all well. I feel like I'm exposing myself a little here. Anyway, here goes something.

[anya_may21]

I will read completely through your post woody and try to answer right after I put my coffee on.

Just woke up.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm sorry you lost a love through suicide, understandable you needed time alone after that to deal with your feelings.

Do you feel the man you are with now could also harm himself with his drinking? or more worried he isn't motivated enough to be actively living his life?

Does he suffer for depression? Could he teach painting, and that way earn money doing something that gets him back to painting himself, because to teach it he will have to paint also.


I feel your pain in your post because of the amount of love you feel for him and concern you have. Is he your soulmate? You said this " He had the biggest smile and most sparkly eyes I'd seen and my heart pounded in my chest as he spoke. He looked so familiar though I know I had never seen him before." If so, your heart is one with his.

I think he mentioned drinker right off because maybe in his past it was the last straw for others in a relationship with him and he wanted you to know the real whole him, no lies, and have you love who he is. Which you did.

I think he wanted to give you something more than just his love, so he got you both that house and like you said he knows himself well and was safeguarding that money because of his drink issue.

For you would he go talk with a therapist about why he won't work, or paint and why he is content his to drink and do little, does he realise how much it is affecting you now?

I think you might be seeing something deeper with him and it scares you, so yes you should be concerned because you love him and want him to live his best life.

Have a talk with him on all you typed, ask if he'd want to go talk with someone about how things are going. He is relying on you to make everything better and in a couple both should do that for the other, not all the burden on one (you)

Wish you both the best and like buying the house hope he does go to someone else to talk to and make you happier too.

[nico88]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your fiancé, woody. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you.

I think your concerns are legit. Have you two talk about this at all? Or do you for the most part keep these feelings to yourself?

Alcohol abuse is a tricky thing. Sometimes we don't see it as a problem because the person abusing the alcohol is still functioning in a way..but it's still an issue that should be addressed. Especially since it seems to be hindering him from his work and living his life. Has he ever gone to any kind of AA meeting or talk to a therapist or anything like that?

[woody]

Hey you two,

Really appreciating reading such thoughtful words. You got me smiling. I didn't know what to expect. Sort of putting it all out there and i'm glad I got to read from you both.
Anya_May, yes I do believe he is meant for me as I he. Though it took some time to even be open to love after losing my fiance so long ago; that, was tough and took a very long time to move forward from. May he rest.
He was a beautiful man..
But now I have my sweet man with all his problems but you know folks, after writing that out earlier today and having had a chance to reflect more, almost as if sharing it made the concerns, well, not so bad. Yes I do worry but he is a good man and worth any frustration.
Nico, I do speak with him about this from time to time though he is sensitive. The concerns come up now and then, we argue sometimes about it like any couple would.
I suppose guys that I'm just worried to have my heart stomped and feel protective and I don't understand why he does what he does or in his case, what he doesn't do. AA? WEll, he wouldn't do it. He's just not even at the point where he thinks its a problem even though he's been drinking at this rate for many many years, too many.
And how I wish he'd teach an art class; would be great for him to inspire others and himself but at this point I don't believe he'd do it. I do worry about his mental health and yes, of course Anya, the concerns have crossed my mind regarding 'that' but mostly he seems rather content. Yet I didn't see any signs many years ago but no, no, I don't think so. No. That can't happen again.
It's just the daily drinks, standing and listening to the radio, tv every night till late, sleeping till afternoon and then doing it all over again and again and again, this, freaks me out a little. I do worry about his mental and physical health but what does one do when their love refuses to accept help. He says I help him but I am no professional and its getting to me.
I love him, he loves me yet I am seriously concerned that in 5 years he'll be doing the same thing and I will be a broken shell of my former self and well, I just can't allow that to happen.

Maybe one day he'll go to counselling or to a meeting of sorts but I fear a fall out may have tohappen before he does anything like that and frankly, I just don't have it in me. I need rest too, I need a break free of trauma and heartbreak, need it.

Ihave to go. I wish I had more time to go back and re read but I will tomorrow. Anya, Nico, wonderful... thank you. very thoughtful and it helped to share. your great. will write again.
woody

[Exeter19]

i was wondering about the gender thing woody, because i saw you told posters in threads you were female. you know you can just put nothing if you don't want to give away your gender, it's easy to rectify the gender symbol thing in your settings.

i don't think it's good if you feel undervalued by your partner or being used or treated as a maid, he should worry he could push you out the door by his own lack of action and support back to you, monetarily or emotionally, do you guys go out to dinner, movies, dancing anything or does he always hide himself away and only enjoys your company?

if he won't go talk to a therapist you go for your own well being and state of mind. get yourself some more coping tools and maybe better ways to motivate your partner.

if he isn't working how does he buy all his alcohol? if you are buying it for him, cut it back drastically, that might motivate him a bit.

you give really heartfelt advice to others on here, you should want the best happiest life for yourself too, again if he won't talk to a therapist make an appointment and you go, he doesn't need to know about it.

[woody]

Exeter,

I don't know why I get weepy when I read such kind words, all three of you teared me up.
I know I ought to go to counselling even if he does not. Coming here and finally sharing may have been the first step and I appreciate your advice, thank you kindly.
To answer your questions, we go for walks in the woods now and then but in the time I've known him we have gone out for dinner once. Drive through a few times but in an actual restaurant to dine one time. No movies or things like that. Though I have a family member getting married soon so I'll be on that dance floor hopefully with him. WE do dance in the living room now and then. It's lovely.
Credit card, his credit card pays for his beer. I cringe when I add up the amount spent.

Yes I know I need help with this to better understand. There is no magic wand though I so wish there was.
Coming here has helped. I know I enjoy trying to help others as I sit with my cups of tea but have never shared much of myself before and it felt vulnerable but I also know there are many good folks here, so I was hoping. and it seems to have worked.
Yup, I'll get right on that gender symbol thing. oops.

Not too good at finding my way around these sites. Think I originally posted in Off Topic but couldn't find it anywhere so re did it under love advice.
I hope your well Exeter. Yes indeed, you three (anya, nico and you) always have kind insights to offer as well.

happy day and don't worry, i'll be fine. I will be, I am, just worried is all. He's a good man and I'll do what I can to help
woody

[Exeter19]

i see you put female now, are you comfortable with that? if you are okay, but you can just leave it empty too, several have done so on here. to go off on gender topic, my sister said people respected her pov's more when she used a male symbol or no symbol and people seem to reply back or give more thanks, i thought it was an odd pov for her to have because i don't find it any different as to how posters react regarding male or female genders.

back to your issue at hand now.

it's good to post it in two sections you'll get more people replying hopefully and more thoughts to help ya coming in.

has he ever told you why he is happy doing so little? it sounds like you wished you both would do more social things together, hope he steps up for you at that wedding at least, that might be a good starting point to shake him out of his routine, is it in tow or outta town? do you feel you are somehow betraying him if you went to a therapist alone, or went and didn't tell him? if you get anymore unhappy, imagine how further his level of happiest will slump if all he does is depend on you, you'd be doing it for the both of you, imo.

does his family pop around for visits, see him way he can be and not question or offer help to you? people must be able to see how it is stressing you out, even your own friends and family, who is your support system?

least he will get out and do some things with you, and dancing together at home is nice and brings some romance. i don't even like to dance, lmao.

people who have a lot of love give, deserve a lot of love back in return. the drinking, his lack of motivation and his inability to notice the toll it takes on you is going to be bigger and bigger deals and cause bigger and bigger resentments over time if things don't start changing right away, you already feel it happening, and no matter how good of a person you are, you too have your enough point, he has to realize you want and need him to change.

thanks, woody, you too. going over to my parents for dinner now.

[anya_may21]

Hey you two,

Really appreciating reading such thoughtful words. You got me smiling. I didn't know what to expect. Sort of putting it all out there and i'm glad I got to read from you both.
Anya_May, yes I do believe he is meant for me as I he. Though it took some time to even be open to love after losing my fiance so long ago; that, was tough and took a very long time to move forward from. May he rest.
He was a beautiful man..
But now I have my sweet man with all his problems but you know folks, after writing that out earlier today and having had a chance to reflect more, almost as if sharing it made the concerns, well, not so bad. Yes I do worry but he is a good man and worth any frustration.
Nico, I do speak with him about this from time to time though he is sensitive. The concerns come up now and then, we argue sometimes about it like any couple would.
I suppose guys that I'm just worried to have my heart stomped and feel protective and I don't understand why he does what he does or in his case, what he doesn't do. AA? WEll, he wouldn't do it. He's just not even at the point where he thinks its a problem even though he's been drinking at this rate for many many years, too many.
And how I wish he'd teach an art class; would be great for him to inspire others and himself but at this point I don't believe he'd do it. I do worry about his mental health and yes, of course Anya, the concerns have crossed my mind regarding 'that' but mostly he seems rather content. Yet I didn't see any signs many years ago but no, no, I don't think so. No. That can't happen again.
It's just the daily drinks, standing and listening to the radio, tv every night till late, sleeping till afternoon and then doing it all over again and again and again, this, freaks me out a little. I do worry about his mental and physical health but what does one do when their love refuses to accept help. He says I help him but I am no professional and its getting to me.
I love him, he loves me yet I am seriously concerned that in 5 years he'll be doing the same thing and I will be a broken shell of my former self and well, I just can't allow that to happen.

Maybe one day he'll go to counselling or to a meeting of sorts but I fear a fall out may have tohappen before he does anything like that and frankly, I just don't have it in me. I need rest too, I need a break free of trauma and heartbreak, need it.

Ihave to go. I wish I had more time to go back and re read but I will tomorrow. Anya, Nico, wonderful... thank you. very thoughtful and it helped to share. your great. will write again.
woody

How do you feel today about things today, woody?

Do you think you could tell your partner any of this or he'd be upset or maybe hurt?

You should release how you feel about bad things, isn't good to let them build up inside it an affect your own health.

I think the universe wanted you to have a man you felt as much for as you did your lost love and sometimes that can take time, and now you have him again, I know you want things to be happily ever after for you both, I am very romantic too, like you are. I hope for the same things in love.


Do you mind telling us how much he drinks, because that is one of your main concerns? I am assuming he sees no problem for himself with his drinking, do others around you both?

Can you paint, woody? Could ask him on the weekends to teach you, and get the feel of his love for it back and gives you both another thing to do together, in summer there in the USA you can go into your garden and paint, or up on a hill or by a lake.

Hope you won't need to wait five years for him to change, even if a little to please you and help himself.

Best wishes and Cheers!

[CougarHottie]

Listen to your instincts. I have been married to two alcoholics and in my experience, alcoholism is stronger than love, and will always prevail if untreated. If he hasn't sought help in three years, he never will. There's another man out there who will love you without bringing so much baggage.

[hatesthis]

You've already got heaps of wonderful advice and I have been avoiding giving any real love advice to posters on here for awhile since my setback, but wanted to try to give you small amount of support because I have read your posts to others on here since you joined, off and on when I come across them and you are a compassionate, loving caring person and in saying so deserves thoughtful kind words back when asking for help. I made a lil sad face when I read you cried reading your replies, you remind me of my mom, she gives and gives and never thinks twice about it because she is a nuture-er and genuinely enjoys people and wants them happy, and sometimes forgets about her own happiness in the midst of it.
So it is good you are speaking up and out for yourself and your own need to be happy, in your life and with the man you love.

I'm sorry for the lost of your fiance and how you lost him and that you needed to go off alone to heal, but sometimes when we are in pain others just can't understand the level of loss we feel and being alone to grieve is the best for some. You did what was best for you at the time and when ready found love again.

I agree with the posters who said your love sounds like he is depressed, you have very lil energy motivation when depressed, you can only manage to keep a few things that bring you joy around you, I think for him its you, his music and his drink, and one of those 3 is hurting him and you, and your relationship.

Love shouldn't be selfish and if he was told straight off that how he is becoming is hurting you, wouldn't he at least step out of his comfort zone and get some sort of help, even if only talking to another person outside of you about how he is feeling about himself and his life, where he wants or needs changes.

Is he even aware he drinks too much, or thinks he drinks a little and it isn't an issue?

Ask him to do it for you, firstly, he might do it for you, over doing it for himself. *hugs*

[woody]

Thank you everyone. Yup, got me weepy again. Don't worry, i'm okay now. Really appreciate the thoughtful responses. Had a big talk with him last night about it. Went well at first but ended in a all out blow out. We slept in separate rooms, again. To answer some questions, Anya, he drinks between 12 to 20 beers a day, every day. every.

We uh, started amicably last night talking about it. Went through all of it very gently. I thought we had some progress. Brought up his ex ladies and how they drank more around him and became bitter over that, resentful and would blame him and the drink for their consumption. He said he thought they used the 'drinking' as a way to blame him for 'anything'. Every time something went wrong, they'd blame the drinking. He strongly disagreed with this and would become uber defensive.

I told him the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.
That maybe it is the drink. We were doing well discussing things like actual adults. We only got heated when he implied I don't contribute enough. I get defensive when this is implied because I give everything I've got to this place and him. I don't go out, I shop at thrift stores, I cut my own hair and it looks terrible.teeh ee. so.. yes, started good but ended badly, our 'talk'. But, I think we hit some good points all in all. we shall see...

Cougar Hottie, I know i'm on a roller coaster ride here. I know that when he says things like, "after the family wedding i'll stop drinking and smoking so much", it is perhaps a lie he tells from time to time. I know that I come second to alcohol.. Second to a case of beer and I guess I'm stupid because I'm not going anywhere.(without him) He is the love of my life and i must fight for him.
I am going to get some anti depressants/ anti smoking meds.
Exeter, yes, I hope too he does alright at that wedding. He is a shy guy so making sure he's alright will be my priority. It's my sisters wedding so I hope it goes well for both of us.
I have asked him why he's so content with doing so little. He says he needs time. Maybe this is just how he is. Time will tell right.
Anya, yes I paint. Perhaps what I must do is paint more and he'll join in. He's the gifted one though regarding that. I sing and play guitar, that's my skill. But he's a gem of a painter, a true gift.
Hatethis: Very kind. Thanks for coming on. Yeah, he just might be a little blue. He seems so content doing nothing but I know something must be wrong. It's sweet of you to say that for him, one of his joys is me. I know it is. He's my joy too. I just uh, well it's difficult seeing him transition from Jeckle to Hyde so to speak. He is soooo defensive with the beer thing.
I'm going to find a therapist for myself. I need help anyway. Perhaps he'll come with eventually. Meantime, I'll get those anti smoking meds with anti depressant side benefits and see if that does anything. IDK.

Yes, he's aware he drinks too much but enjoys it. I told him I won't let him bring me down with him. He says he'll try to cut back. I believe he has sung that song many time before with his other ladies. We shall see.
His Family knows. He hides it though, when they come over. It is tough to see.

Hey folks, I want to thank each of you, very very kindly. This, has been like therapy in a way.
I will give this some more years and see how he is by then.. If he has tried to get healthier for both of us by then, I will be the happiest. If things remain like they are now however, I will pick up my pieces, move back to the woods and start over again. Yup, again.

okay now, all the best you guys.
woody

[somehelp4me]

Don't lose hope, woody.
My dad was an alcoholic and once he hit "his" rock bottom he got his act together and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 8 years, he still goes to meetings and sponsors others.

[woody]

^I'm glad your Father made it through.. From all I have read regarding this issue, to make it through something like this is no small feat. I would imagine the support and love he got from you and your Family helped him in his process.
This gives me hope.

Hey Folks, I'm going to try closing this thread if I can figure out how to. I thank you all for your kind words and thoughtful considerations.
It was something I needed and I am grateful.

take care and see you on the boards
woody

[anya_may21]

Very glad you talked with him about it, not glad it causes a fight and separate sleeping arrangements.

He should care he is hurting you, nothing you said to him wasn't true, it is his life he knows its true.

He felt you were blaming so he had to reach to find something to blame you, even if an absolute false statement. He wanted you to feel hurt because he felt hurt.

12-20 beers a day is too much and too much money spent just only beer a week. He must buy by the cases? If he can't cut back to 6 a day he should be able to recognize he HAS a problem.

Will you get therapy for you alone then, I hope so. Wishing you the best.

You can ask the webmaster to lock your thread(s) if you want the discussion closed.

[woody]

Thanks Anya, I'm on it. They told me to send the link which i'll do today. I will, with the therapy thing.
hey, thanks again. you guys are pretty great.