I sent a letter to the guy who hurt me and I want to have an idea what he thinks

[chameleon02]

I got really close to a guy in school and we actually became more than friends. However, we had an expiration date. He was a foreign student, was graduating and was bound to go back home to his country. He had a girlfriend back in his country.
It started off with him offering to be my boyfriend for 3 months (before he leaves). I didn’t take it seriously because it seemed like a joke. But later on he said he was not kidding and said he wants to take care of me and be close to me because I am a good person and unlike other girls. I did not approve that because I do not want to have a boyfriend just for the sake of (I haven't had a boyfriend ever). Moreover, he had a girlfriend and it is of course not good and he was leaving anyway. I told him it’s better we just stay good friends. And he was ok with that.

The thing was we got even closer after that. He’d invite me to cook with him every day in his apartment. We’d do groceries together and cook dinner. Later on, he would walk me home every night. He’d also ask me to call and wake him up every day for lunch. Later on we’d also go to the mall/eat out wherever on weekends.. We were together almost 24 hrs every day. I noticed it was getting different and I got uncomfortable so there were times I tried to distance myself from him and declined some of his invitations. But then, he would ask why I decline, and sometimes still pursue that it got to a point I just couldn’t say no to him anymore. Later on, I liked him already and wanted to always be with him. So it seemed that I ate the words I’ve said before.. And I eventually fell for him.

We became more than friends. I slept over in his apartment many times and we always got intimate (but no intercourse). On those nights, he told me what he liked about me—that more than the physical, he likes my personality because I am good and a very hardworking person. He told me how he feels about me.. He said I make him think about his life.. and if he were given a choice he’d choose me. He said he doesn’t want to leave me, stay w/ me.. He was always saying he had real emotions for me and not for sex. He said he loves me.. many times on different occasions.

Things were going ok for us until the last month of his stay. Day by day he didn’t treat and care for me the same way as before. Overall, I felt he was pushing me away. Some moments really hurt me and I’d let him know and he would patch things up with me. But then, he still wanted my company at times (cook/eat out with him, go with him to somewhere) and I was still there for him. So it's like mixed emotions. I was still kind and cared for him I didn’t give a big deal about his coldness but deep inside I was really hurting. There was one time I told him I wanted to hug him as much as I can, then few days after when we had a conversation he asked me why I said that, he asked is it because I love him? I wasn't able to answer and just looked at him.. I asked him what he had for me. He said, "love, maybe not". He said "i love you" has a different meaning when they say it (which really confused me what he meant with that). It really broke my heart but I didn’t express my hurt that time. I told him he was breaking my heart. He said it's not his fault, it's life. I didn't confront or clarify with him about the things he said. Maybe I was afraid and in denial. Even after that conversation, he still wanted my company at times (while still being cold at times) and I was kind, still there for him and cared for him. When he left, I wrote him a letter and told him my heart is breaking, but the message was generally positive and I still thanked him for what we had. He said almost nothing when he left, just said thanks for everything and take care. He didn’t clarify things about us nor feel sorry or show any concern about my heartbreak.

A few days after he arrived at his country, he messaged me online and asked how I was doing but I didn’t reply because I was too heartbroken I didn’t know what to say. A few days later I saw online he met with his real girlfriend and posted a status saying, “Almost half a year, met her again.. time for my love”. My heart sank even more when I saw that phrase “time for my love”. How can he easily say that after having that thing with me?

There are things that I just felt later on. I feel misled, taken for granted and used. I know I have my share of fault here because I let him in and there were actually signs that he wasn't sincere but I just chose to ignore. At the start I knew he seemed he was not looking to get attached. But when we got even closer and started getting intimate and he started saying those beautiful things to me, like he loves me, he’d choose me, stay with me forever, I thought something changed and he actually considered pursuing a true relationship with me.

Maybe I was just used to fill the emotional gap he had with his girlfriend? Or maybe he just wanted to have sex with me? Another issue is we had a lot of foreplay and it seems ok with him (he even said keep that for my future husband), but towards the end he brought up an issue of me not “growing up” because I haven’t had real sex yet. Do you think he just pursued me for sex? But I’m also not sure if he had real feelings for me. Somehow, I felt at some points he really cared for me and he even talked about things like considering a future with me (asked me if I wanted to work in his country because he could get me a job in their company, also talked about having a child with me, etc).

We haven’t conversed for a 1.5 months now since he left, but he keeps on liking my online posts. I don’t think he recognizes that I was deeply hurt. I do not want to continue the thing with him anymore and completely cut off connection with him. But the hurt has been burdening me inside so I decided to just let it out and wrote him a letter. He has read it the same night I sent it ( a few days ago) and hasn't replied. I want to know what impression this has on him?

I carefully worded the letter and the manner is not like an attack.. I expressed my hurt over the way he made me feel special then just treated me coldly and pushed me away, how he showered me with beautiful words then said almost nothing in the end. I expressed my hurt when he took back that he loves me, like everything was a joke as if all along he was just playing with my emotions. I said I acknowledge my part/fault, but I said that his words and actions had consequences. I expressed my hurt over the things he said and done, that he allowed me to feel those feelings and allowed me to believe he felt the same way just because he enjoyed the comfort of keeping me around? when he never intended to love me.

In the end, I said "more than anything, I want to forget how the word 'love' sounded when it came from you. I just wished you have been at least man enough and clarified what everything was. But I guess moving on is the key thing. I don't want to continue feeling this pain.

Goodbye, _______."

_______________________


What is the impression of this move to him? What does his non-reply mean?

Does non-reply mean that what I said in the letter are just true and he's guilty of having played me?
Or does it mean that what I say are not true for him and wouldn't admit to any fault on his part? But if not true, then shouldn't he try to clarify himself and reply? Or he just doesn't see the need to reply because I cut him off already? Or it simply means he just doesn't care at all?


Sorry for this long post. Thank you so much in advance..

[somehelp4me]

IDK what it means to him, I don't know him. But he was having you as a fling while away from this real gf and he even told you he'd be your bf for 3 months, he was upfront about it.
He probably thought you knew how it was to be because you agreed to it, he is probably confused as to why you are acting way you are, or he is uncomfortable and doesn't know what to tell you so he is hiding from you after he read it.

How did he play you, you know you had an expiration date, you told us so, also told us you knew he had a gf.

You sent it so now move on!

[lost_man]

Not having had a boyfriend before will mean that this broken heart will affect you quite deeply. That's normal and ok. Your mind will race to try and "understand" all the "he said/i said" moments to try to find a logical way to avoid the pain. It's best to just cry and let it out and accept that he didn't feel the same way. It doesn't mean anything bad about you, it's just that people are very different from each other mentally and emotionally and things don't always work out. I would suggest you stop prolonging the pain by being in contact with him online, unfriend him on Facebook, and anywhere else, delete photos…etc. It hurts to do it but it's a good first step to moving on.

[chameleon02]

IDK what it means to him, I don't know him. But he was having you as a fling while away from this real gf and he even told you he'd be your bf for 3 months, he was upfront about it.
He probably thought you knew how it was to be because you agreed to it, he is probably confused as to why you are acting way you are, or he is uncomfortable and doesn't know what to tell you so he is hiding from you after he read it.

How did he play you, you know you had an expiration date, you told us so, also told us you knew he had a gf.

You sent it so now move on!

HI, thank your for your post. Yes he was upfront about it.. but what I don't understand is why he had to tell me those serious stuff (he would choose me, he loves me, talk about having a child, etc) if he knew it's just a fling.. And the way he always said (as if assuring me) his emotions for me are real and he's not kidding about us.. He even said one time that he gives more and receives less (referring to things he does for me).. Why would he expect more from me? And when I did gave more, he would ask in the end why have we gone that far? There was also a time when I told him I was getting uncomfortable in our situation, he said, don't worry, they don't understand us.. Some of the things which I think misled me..

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Not having had a boyfriend before will mean that this broken heart will affect you quite deeply. That's normal and ok. Your mind will race to try and "understand" all the "he said/i said" moments to try to find a logical way to avoid the pain. It's best to just cry and let it out and accept that he didn't feel the same way. It doesn't mean anything bad about you, it's just that people are very different from each other mentally and emotionally and things don't always work out. I would suggest you stop prolonging the pain by being in contact with him online, unfriend him on Facebook, and anywhere else, delete photos…etc. It hurts to do it but it's a good first step to moving on.

Hi, thank you for your post. Yes, it's true.. I keep on going back to our conversations, calls, replaying events in my mind trying to piece together everything, trying to understand.. But then maybe I will never get the answers anymore, just have to let go and learn from this experience.. Thank you for your advice..